It’s the Ultimate F Word.
Fear.
That dirty, four-letter word. It’ll try to hold you back from the things you desire and stop you from fully appreciating all that life can teach you.
Guys new to the community are often controlled by fear: their beliefs, their behaviors, their thoughts. Fear is why they don’t open the mixed set, don’t go for the make-out, don’t head to the club alone, don’t call the chick on the phone. So what exactly is fear, and more importantly, how can we take charge of it?
The 3 Fs
In the beginning – and I mean the very beginning – animals on earth were controlled by their limbic brains. If they saw something that could kill them, they responded without thought. Primitive animals didn’t yet have the higher level of problem-solving that man possesses. They weren’t capable of analyzing the entire scenario so as to elucidate the best course of action. The little fuckers simply reacted instinctively, and as a result, they escaped harm.
The limbic brain is there to keep us humans alive as well. If there is a danger in your proximity, over-analysis could lead to death and injury. So you react to perceived dangers very swiftly. If you hear a gun go off near your head, you’re gonna startle and move away from the sound without thought.
Fear is handled by the limbic brain using three responses:
1. Freeze. The first strategy you’ll usually use if faced with danger is to freeze. Since movement attracts the attention of predators, freezing makes us invisible to them. It also gives our higher brain time to come up with a strategy.
If I tell a guy with approach anxiety to go talk to the three-set of 9s, the guy will initially freeze up. His breath will get shallow, he’ll avoid eye contact when he does approach, and if he sits down he’ll lock his feet together under his seat. In effect, he is making himself smaller, less noticeable and ideally invisible, all indicators of the freeze response. Even evasive eye contact is his way of “hiding” in full view.
If one person in the tribe suddenly freezes when he sees a lion, the others will mimic his behavior. This mimicry is in place to help survival of the group; hence, fear is contagious. Going out and trying to be sociable with anxious wings will make you more anxious. A better strategy is to hang out with guys who aren’t as nervous as you.
2. Flight. When freezing won’t assure survival, we flee. In the wild, we would run from a lion that was pursuing us. In the modern world, we can’t literally run from everything that scares us, but we can evade in other ways, called distancing and blocking. The goal: to create space between us and the danger.
Distancing is seen when we turn away from people who are annoying us, lean away from someone confrontational, point our foot away while legs crossed from someone offensive.
Examples of blocking include briefly covering your face with your hand when somebody says something you don’t like, closing your eyes almost as if to make the world momentarily go away, and holding a drink or cell phone up in front of you when a sexy mama walks by.
3. Fight. When freezing and fleeing don’t cut it, we fight. In the wild, we turned fear into rage and fought our predators. In the modern world, we can’t fight physically so we tone it down, and instead we argue. Insults, sarcasm and other verbally aggressive tactics are manifestations of our desire to physically fight. When we feel the urge to fight, our subcommunications tell the story: an aggressive stance, clenched fists, gnashed teeth, hard eye contact, getting up in the other dude’s grill.
Pacifying Behaviors
Your subcoms will vary depending on whether you’re comfortable or uncomfortable. Comfortable people give off a sense of high confidence, well-being and contentment. Those who are uncomfortable appear to have low confidence and seem stressed and possibly afraid.
To assuage ourselves of this discomfort, we employ pacifying behaviors. In kids, these maneuvers are easily apparent, such as thumb-sucking. But as we grow out of these babyisms, the pacifying becomes less recognizable: chewing gum, biting fingernails, munching a pencil. While the child tries to hide from a stranger behind mom’s leg, we as adults use our beer bottle to hide behind. When we don’t have a beer bottle, we touch briefly at our nose or throat. Different behaviors, same drive: to alleviate our discomfort.
Types of Anxiety
Anxiety is a constellation of symptoms including elevated heart rate and breathing, excessive sweating, sometimes chills, a racing mind and oh yeah…all those voices. Our discomfort may not always escalate to the point of anxiety, if, for example, we defuse that fear with self-pacification.
In many cases, the anxiety is so deeply ingrained subconsciously, that it is completely unreasonable. You are incapable of resolving the anxiety by talking yourself out of it. In other cases, the fear is not as deep, driven instead by too much mental noise, which can be voluntarily quieted. See my post, “Clarity,” for further discussion of this.
Social anxiety. This encompasses any fear of interacting with people, and at its extreme can include agoraphobia, the fear of leaving your home. One aspect of agoraphobia is the shame involved in having a debilitating panic attack out in public. Normal kids can have a degree of developmental social anxiety, but when it persists into adulthood and impairs social functioning, there’s a problem. Often, it appears as shyness, stage fright and avoidance of public gatherings.
Approach anxiety. One form of social anxiety is AA, the fear of approaching people. You may do well when introduced to a girl in your group of friends, but the thought of approaching that same girl as a stranger in a bar would trigger anxiety. That fear can affect you simply asking a waitress for a napkin or a checking out at a supermarket. AA is to be distinguished from a mild version which has been called approach reluctance. AA is truly paralyzing, whereas AR is a nagging internal dialogue around which you can still function.
Trigger anxiety. Not much is said about this fear, that of “pulling the trigger.” But fear of escalating is every bit as real as AA. It happens when you’re having a great interaction with a chick, and when that impulse comes to escalate, you don’t do it. You get in your head and in spite of the cues, the set fizzles out. You get angry with yourself, she simply assumes you’re not attracted to her. Getting past TA involves a series of verbal and physical steps, a thorough game plan designed to handle both the escalation and the potential rejection.
Sexual anxiety. You may be able to get a girl into bed, but then blow it because of all the crazy talk in your head. You get flaccid, which makes matters worse, making you feel like less of a man. Huge frustration for all parties involved. Often, the mere anticipation of sex can trip you up, long before the opportunity actually arises. SA is a kind of performance anxiety, but largely is a result of you not being present with the woman (or women) in bed with you. That is, rather than clearing your mind and only acting from your core as a sexual being, your mind is distracted by crap like your cock size.
In my second article on fear management, I’ll discuss methods of getting a handle on your fears.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Being Normal
Sometimes when I’m out with fellas who are acting all fucking weird, I find myself telling them, “dude, be normal!” It got me thinking, how does one transform from weird to normal?
Why be normal?
When any artist starts learning their skill, they must first internalize the fundamentals. Before he or she can venture out into his or her own unique style, that artist should become competent at or master the style of well-established others. For a guy who isn’t good with people, learning the fundamentals – AKA learning how to be normal and fit into society – should precede him developing his own style of behavior.
Girls want to know you CAN be normal. Not to say you should be ordinary or boring, but if the situation calls for it, you can act like a normal man. When you demonstrate this, she feels comfortable and secure.
Nervousness
A big reason why guys act weird is their anxiety. Put em in a familiar situation like a library, and they’re just fine. But pile expectations on their shoulders like having to talk to people, and they crack.
Nervousness is manifested through all kinds of behaviors: talking too fast, stuttering, looking around too much, moving too fast, playing with his cell phone or jewelry, smiling too much, etc etc etc. Not uncommonly, a guy will demonstrate a whole bunch of these behaviors all at once.
Normal people – unless they’re on coke or something – don’t act this over-stimulated when they’re in the usual social situations. Walk into any bar and look at the guys playing pool, or a pack of college kids drinking, and almost always they’re just chilling and having fun. But put these same guys into stressful situations – maybe a final exam at college or a job interview – and now their nervous behaviors emerge.
So it’s ok to become nervous when you need that adrenaline to boost your ability to handle the stress, but it’s not ok to become nervous when all that’s expected of you is to relax and have fun. Do you see why looking nervous in a social gathering may seem weird to others? Ok, well, you need to work on extinguishing these behaviors. And in large part this will mean finding ways to get out of your head, and into your body. Out of the past and future, and into the present. This is some Eckhart Tolle shit. Read it.
Getting out there into the field – even if it just means sitting by yourself in a bar – will be a main way to get these habits under control. You don’t necessarily have to open sets, but you should at very least feel comfortable in your own skin sitting in a bar by yourself, not worrying how others may judge you. So a night out of your house is NEVER a wasted night, even if you’re just sitting there by yourself feeling uncomfortable. With time, that feeling will get better.
Next, focus on body language signals that indicate your anxiety. There are a few good books on the subject. Read them and then always be cognizant of your own nervous behaviors. If you can’t recognize them, have a wing call you out until these habits are broken. It takes a lot of practice for some, and it means being in your head, but in the end it’s worth it.
Dealing with dudes
We get really good at talking to girls, but still many of us suck at interacting with guys. I for one always had more female than male friends, so learning how to interact with other men took work. Plus, I CAN’T STAND talking about sports, cars, or most of the usual “guy” things.
First off, you gotta learn that normal dudes respect other dudes. They don’t touch them in weird ways, they give them plenty of space, they talk in a linear fashion, they make solid eye contact, they shake hands firmly, they project their voice with confidence, and they don’t say shit to belittle the other dude. If you stand with your crotch in some guy’s face, or you grab his thigh while sitting next to him, or make fun of something he’s wearing…even if he doesn’t kick your ass, he’s probably gonna think you’re weird.
And needless to say, normal dudes aren’t afraid of other dudes. That’s one big problem newbs face, the Fear of the Dude. They avoid mixed sets because of some imaginary fight that might erupt. Or maybe that fear isn’t even well-crystallized, he just refuses to open because some guy is standing there. So a lot of PUAs start off in a mindset of intimidation and fear, or feel threatened before a threat is even posed. Again, can you see how this might be considered weird by others?
Guys are there to help you. Make nice with them. Fear not. If you aren’t sure if he’s involved with the girl you’re after, clarify it with her. Problem solved.
Calibration
This encompasses a coupla ideas. First, there is calibrating your energy level. So if you’re in a chill venue and some PUA is doing his magic monkey routine stack bit, spinning and hooting and high-fiving at level 11, that fucker’s acting weird. Always calibrate your energy to the venue and to the set. Like a normal dude.
Second, it’s about calibrating your level of interest. If you come in direct, and you fail to hook, the girls may keep facing each other without showing you much interest. Continuing to show way more interest than they show back is miscalibrated and ultimately creepy. Using push-pull, particularly with your body language, is a good way to offset this.
Both kinds of calibration take mental focus at first to internalize, but with time this becomes your sixth sense. You automatically adjust your energy level and interest level according to environmental cues. In so doing, you become more normal.
Push-Pull
While on the subject, let’s talk more about this tactic. If you stand there and fluff with chicks, you’ll probably wind up going nowhere. Maybe the friend zone, but that’s about it.
And so we employ the concept of pushing girls away, and pulling them in, both physically and verbally. Because it creates attraction.
Here’s the rub. New guys are afraid to push. Why? Because there’s this smokin hot girl talking to him, and if he pushes her too hard, she’s gonna walk away. And being under the influence of scarcity mindset, that would be equivalent to the walls crashing down. The ego would not be happy, and so the newb handles each girl with kid gloves.
But what about pulling? Showing intent? Naw, the new guy is afraid of that too. The thought of walking up to a girl and being direct, stating intent, escalating sexually…this stuff scares a lot of these guys shitless. And so he tempers his intent, again trying to protect his ego.
As a result, he does pull, but it’s an anxious pull. He does push, but it’s an anxious push. Needless to say, his head explodes. Full-on creeper.
Now. I will say that being creepy is perfectly okay as you’re learning the ropes. You need to get comfy with all these new emotions. Incongruence will happen, miscalibration will be the norm. You will seem weird. And that’s ok. Accept that some of the tactics you employ – like push-pull – will not come off smoothly at first. You will look creepy for now, but with practice, all this gets smoothed out and a normal dude emerges. A guy not afraid to push because he has a new-found abundance mindset, and not afraid to pull because he owns his sexuality and isn’t ashamed of telegraphing it.
Assimilation and Entitlement
Whoa! Hold up fucker! What the hell does that shit mean??
Look, if I am among “my peeps,” whatever that means, I will feel normal. I’m an artsy guy, so by hanging around other artists, I feel more normal. If I hang out with jocks, I feel less normal. Assimilation is a big part of feeling normal.
The problem is this: you should feel comfortable in your own skin, regardless of the company around you. And thus arises the sense of entitlement. Meaning, even though I am in a bar full of frat boys, I still FEEL normal, because I’m fucking entitled to be in that bar as much as the frat boys. I may seem out of place, but I will most definitely not appear weird because I am totally at ease with myself.
When you can’t obtain assimilation, entitlement will keep you looking normal.
Agenda and Intent
Intent is good. Agenda is bad.
When I go out every night, my intent is to meet a lovely lady and get her digits. That’s cool if it happens, but when I’m talking to chicks I’m not trying to force this result. I’m not in my head thinking, “ok, should I get the number NOW?? How about…NOW???”
I’m just vibing and enjoying the moment (or not), and then if I like her I go for the number.
Guys who have agendas look weird. If I see a girl sitting at a bar and I walk up to her confidently, I am a man full of intent. But if I linger, stare at her for a couple minutes, walk past her a few times, bump into her as I go for a napkin, but never actually open, then I’ve revealed: a) I have an agenda to get her to notice me, and b) I’m too chicken shit to talk to her. This is a massive fail.
It’s the same for escalation. If I grab a girl and pull her in for a kiss because she’s said something to turn me on, that’s intent. If I do the classic awkward arm-around-the-shoulder in the movie theater, that’s agenda. One’s manly, the other’s weird.
Have intent, not agenda.
Ok, I could go on, but that’s enough for now.
Why be normal?
When any artist starts learning their skill, they must first internalize the fundamentals. Before he or she can venture out into his or her own unique style, that artist should become competent at or master the style of well-established others. For a guy who isn’t good with people, learning the fundamentals – AKA learning how to be normal and fit into society – should precede him developing his own style of behavior.
Girls want to know you CAN be normal. Not to say you should be ordinary or boring, but if the situation calls for it, you can act like a normal man. When you demonstrate this, she feels comfortable and secure.
Nervousness
A big reason why guys act weird is their anxiety. Put em in a familiar situation like a library, and they’re just fine. But pile expectations on their shoulders like having to talk to people, and they crack.
Nervousness is manifested through all kinds of behaviors: talking too fast, stuttering, looking around too much, moving too fast, playing with his cell phone or jewelry, smiling too much, etc etc etc. Not uncommonly, a guy will demonstrate a whole bunch of these behaviors all at once.
Normal people – unless they’re on coke or something – don’t act this over-stimulated when they’re in the usual social situations. Walk into any bar and look at the guys playing pool, or a pack of college kids drinking, and almost always they’re just chilling and having fun. But put these same guys into stressful situations – maybe a final exam at college or a job interview – and now their nervous behaviors emerge.
So it’s ok to become nervous when you need that adrenaline to boost your ability to handle the stress, but it’s not ok to become nervous when all that’s expected of you is to relax and have fun. Do you see why looking nervous in a social gathering may seem weird to others? Ok, well, you need to work on extinguishing these behaviors. And in large part this will mean finding ways to get out of your head, and into your body. Out of the past and future, and into the present. This is some Eckhart Tolle shit. Read it.
Getting out there into the field – even if it just means sitting by yourself in a bar – will be a main way to get these habits under control. You don’t necessarily have to open sets, but you should at very least feel comfortable in your own skin sitting in a bar by yourself, not worrying how others may judge you. So a night out of your house is NEVER a wasted night, even if you’re just sitting there by yourself feeling uncomfortable. With time, that feeling will get better.
Next, focus on body language signals that indicate your anxiety. There are a few good books on the subject. Read them and then always be cognizant of your own nervous behaviors. If you can’t recognize them, have a wing call you out until these habits are broken. It takes a lot of practice for some, and it means being in your head, but in the end it’s worth it.
Dealing with dudes
We get really good at talking to girls, but still many of us suck at interacting with guys. I for one always had more female than male friends, so learning how to interact with other men took work. Plus, I CAN’T STAND talking about sports, cars, or most of the usual “guy” things.
First off, you gotta learn that normal dudes respect other dudes. They don’t touch them in weird ways, they give them plenty of space, they talk in a linear fashion, they make solid eye contact, they shake hands firmly, they project their voice with confidence, and they don’t say shit to belittle the other dude. If you stand with your crotch in some guy’s face, or you grab his thigh while sitting next to him, or make fun of something he’s wearing…even if he doesn’t kick your ass, he’s probably gonna think you’re weird.
And needless to say, normal dudes aren’t afraid of other dudes. That’s one big problem newbs face, the Fear of the Dude. They avoid mixed sets because of some imaginary fight that might erupt. Or maybe that fear isn’t even well-crystallized, he just refuses to open because some guy is standing there. So a lot of PUAs start off in a mindset of intimidation and fear, or feel threatened before a threat is even posed. Again, can you see how this might be considered weird by others?
Guys are there to help you. Make nice with them. Fear not. If you aren’t sure if he’s involved with the girl you’re after, clarify it with her. Problem solved.
Calibration
This encompasses a coupla ideas. First, there is calibrating your energy level. So if you’re in a chill venue and some PUA is doing his magic monkey routine stack bit, spinning and hooting and high-fiving at level 11, that fucker’s acting weird. Always calibrate your energy to the venue and to the set. Like a normal dude.
Second, it’s about calibrating your level of interest. If you come in direct, and you fail to hook, the girls may keep facing each other without showing you much interest. Continuing to show way more interest than they show back is miscalibrated and ultimately creepy. Using push-pull, particularly with your body language, is a good way to offset this.
Both kinds of calibration take mental focus at first to internalize, but with time this becomes your sixth sense. You automatically adjust your energy level and interest level according to environmental cues. In so doing, you become more normal.
Push-Pull
While on the subject, let’s talk more about this tactic. If you stand there and fluff with chicks, you’ll probably wind up going nowhere. Maybe the friend zone, but that’s about it.
And so we employ the concept of pushing girls away, and pulling them in, both physically and verbally. Because it creates attraction.
Here’s the rub. New guys are afraid to push. Why? Because there’s this smokin hot girl talking to him, and if he pushes her too hard, she’s gonna walk away. And being under the influence of scarcity mindset, that would be equivalent to the walls crashing down. The ego would not be happy, and so the newb handles each girl with kid gloves.
But what about pulling? Showing intent? Naw, the new guy is afraid of that too. The thought of walking up to a girl and being direct, stating intent, escalating sexually…this stuff scares a lot of these guys shitless. And so he tempers his intent, again trying to protect his ego.
As a result, he does pull, but it’s an anxious pull. He does push, but it’s an anxious push. Needless to say, his head explodes. Full-on creeper.
Now. I will say that being creepy is perfectly okay as you’re learning the ropes. You need to get comfy with all these new emotions. Incongruence will happen, miscalibration will be the norm. You will seem weird. And that’s ok. Accept that some of the tactics you employ – like push-pull – will not come off smoothly at first. You will look creepy for now, but with practice, all this gets smoothed out and a normal dude emerges. A guy not afraid to push because he has a new-found abundance mindset, and not afraid to pull because he owns his sexuality and isn’t ashamed of telegraphing it.
Assimilation and Entitlement
Whoa! Hold up fucker! What the hell does that shit mean??
Look, if I am among “my peeps,” whatever that means, I will feel normal. I’m an artsy guy, so by hanging around other artists, I feel more normal. If I hang out with jocks, I feel less normal. Assimilation is a big part of feeling normal.
The problem is this: you should feel comfortable in your own skin, regardless of the company around you. And thus arises the sense of entitlement. Meaning, even though I am in a bar full of frat boys, I still FEEL normal, because I’m fucking entitled to be in that bar as much as the frat boys. I may seem out of place, but I will most definitely not appear weird because I am totally at ease with myself.
When you can’t obtain assimilation, entitlement will keep you looking normal.
Agenda and Intent
Intent is good. Agenda is bad.
When I go out every night, my intent is to meet a lovely lady and get her digits. That’s cool if it happens, but when I’m talking to chicks I’m not trying to force this result. I’m not in my head thinking, “ok, should I get the number NOW?? How about…NOW???”
I’m just vibing and enjoying the moment (or not), and then if I like her I go for the number.
Guys who have agendas look weird. If I see a girl sitting at a bar and I walk up to her confidently, I am a man full of intent. But if I linger, stare at her for a couple minutes, walk past her a few times, bump into her as I go for a napkin, but never actually open, then I’ve revealed: a) I have an agenda to get her to notice me, and b) I’m too chicken shit to talk to her. This is a massive fail.
It’s the same for escalation. If I grab a girl and pull her in for a kiss because she’s said something to turn me on, that’s intent. If I do the classic awkward arm-around-the-shoulder in the movie theater, that’s agenda. One’s manly, the other’s weird.
Have intent, not agenda.
Ok, I could go on, but that’s enough for now.
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