Here’s some more pop psychology for ya. I never read self-help books or go to seminars. I just watch people and then meditate for hours on what I think’s happening. But I feel it’s pretty accurate. Strap yourself in, this one’s long.
To get shit done, you need these three ingredients: you must possess drive (aka libido), you gotta focus your drive in the form of intent, and then you have to manifest your intent through assertiveness. Let’s start at the end and work backwards.
Assertiveness
You see something you want and you go after it, whether that’s a job position, a girl or a bartender’s attention. Have intent with no assertiveness, and you wind up with zip. So assertiveness takes your intent and puts it into action. Of course, if you lack intent, you won’t be assertive, so intent is a prerequisite.
Too much and you’re aggressive, too little and you’re passive. The aggressor is the bully, the passivist is the doormat, and the assertive guy is in between.
Aggressive people tend to step over the boundaries of passive people, resulting in abuse and manipulation. Assertive people say what they mean and go after what they want, but not in a way that is harmful to others or disrespectful of others’ boundaries. If an assertive person meets an aggressive person, he will defend his boundaries from aggression.
So in the case of the bartender, a passive guy will stand meekly by waiting for the bartender to notice him while everyone else steps around him and gets waited on. The aggressive guy will push and shove everyone out of the way and yell at the bartender for help. The assertive guy will step up to the bar without pushing anyone aside, will focus on the bartender until they lock eyes, and then will make his voice heard in a way that is commanding.
There is no issue of clarity with the aggressive or the assertive guy. The passive guy, however, seems unclear about his intent (this is the perception of others, even if he is clear in his head). And so he is often ignored and passed by. Men don’t respect him and women aren’t captivated by him. Even if he is full of intent, he doesn’t show it, so he is seen as a pussy, someone who doesn’t feel good about himself, wishy washy, lets people take advantage of him, doesn’t feel free to express himself.
Aggressive people don’t have an issue with expressing their desires, but often the trouble is in controlling their emotions. So they explode unexpectedly, seem impulsive and brash. A little bit of this is exciting, but eventually the assertive guy appears more solid since he is in command of his emotions. Other people feel good interacting with assertive men, but they often wind up feeling used and disrespected by aggressive men.
Let’s take this to your interaction with girlies. Shall we?
Let’s say you have full-on intent. Meaning you see a hot girl and you want to fuck her. Now, rather than be assertive, you sit there and don’t approach. Or in another situation, you want to make out with a girl you’re hitting on, but that voice in your head stops you. Or perhaps she’s being a bitch and you don’t put your foot down, instead buckling and letting her be dominant.
Digging deeper, the cause of not approaching is anxiety. So it is with not pulling the trigger. Perhaps fear of loss stops you from letting girls know when they’ve overstepped your boundaries. Maybe you’re scared that your communication skills are subpar and will inadvertently get you into trouble.
Notice in all these cases the underlying theme is anxiety and fear. If you are truly confident and without fear, you will put your intent into action. Yes there may be repercussions. You may be made a fool of, your ego may get bruised, you may get rejected. But you get back on your feet and reassert yourself, or else realize the goal isn’t worth the effort and then redirect your energies.
Sometimes that fear is masquerading as something else. That’s where excuses come from. Guys who don’t approach often have a list of a dozen reasons to support their behavior. Recognizing this internal dialogue and then disidentifying yourself from it is the first step, and then setting this dialogue aside and doing what you want anyway are the next steps.
So what is neediness? If you like a girl, and you assert your intent, but then she tells you she's busy or sick, and then you STILL push to meet up with her, then you've passed assertiveness and have become aggressive. You are now trying to do what YOU want to do in spite of her feelings.
Intent when pushed aggressively is no longer intent, but agenda. You can come across as callous or needy depending on your frame. But either way, it's clear you have an agenda to do what YOU want to do in spite of her.
To help become more assertive, put your intent into clear and decisive action. Take charge. Lead. Take responsibility and risk. Own your intent.
Intent
Intent is your aim or purpose. In legal terms, it’s the state of your mind when you carry out an action.
If you lack intent, even with strong drive, then you probably aren’t trusting of your decision-making process. Or perhaps you feel yourself unworthy of the goal. You have drive, but you aren’t channeling it for a variety of reasons.
Intent is like light. In terms of meeting broads, the newb starts off with a wide beam of intent similar to a floodlight, and then as he progresses that beam turns into a narrowly focused laser.
If you shine a big floodlight on a girl, she'll get annoyed and give you her number to make you go away. It didn't really penetrate. Examples: never going direct, no flirting, nothing dominant, no qualifying. It’s a wide-open aperture, without focus to the beam, really diffuse. This is the newbie. His intent is usually simply to open 10 sets regardless of his attraction to her, not push to the close, whatever happens happens. Not surprisingly, lotsa flakes result.
At the other extreme is the tightest beam of intent, the laser. This guy demands he not only interact with a girl’s better self, but that he FUCKS her better self. He avoids the frames that don't suit his purposes, he never supplicates, he always self-amuses. He is always internally validated. He is clear about his intent to bang her, even if it's just through his subcoms, though remember that it is his assertiveness which is giving his intent clarity.
In the end, what stops most guys from converting drive into intent is lack of trust in one’s faculties. You may not trust yourself, or you may not be giving yourself permission to act with intent. This could be from social conditioning, your religious up-bringing, over-bearing parents, low self-esteem, et cetera. Something is stopping you from fully embracing your drive, and so you flounder in the intent department, conflicted and unsure.
Naturally there is no quick fix here. You need to do all the soul-searching necessary to own your drive fully and believe you’re the shit, before you can ever hope to assert it with chicks.
Drive/Libido
Too much and you’re a horndog. Too little and your interactions lack sexual charge. Horndogs do get laid, but most high-value women will eventually realize they’re being used for their pussies. Some girls don’t mind this, but most need to feel somewhere along the line that you aren’t PURE libido, that you do care about what’s inside, that you respect her as a human being.
Libido has an organic component. If you’re old like me, you may find your drive diminishing. I have to do little tricks like feeling up a girl while I talk to her, or stare at her tits, to get that surge which once controlled all my thoughts.
Libido also has a psychological basis. If you’re depressed, stressed about finances, over-worked, then your drive suffers. Sometimes you can shut those worries out while you interact with girls, but sometimes they’re too over-whelming.
Let’s face it. Libido is all about procreation. Of course, when we fuck girls, we are hoping NOT to procreate, but on a deep evolutionary level sex is sex because the designer of the system wanted us to do it a whole bunch of times in order to continue our species. You can tell yourself you don’t want kids, and take meticulous and irreversible measures to prevent it from happening, but that is the biological reason behind all this.
So to a degree, we are at the mercy of hormones. Even without intent and assertiveness, you can be raging with drive. The result is a guy who sits at his computer whacking off to porn every night, because he is too confused about his intent or too afraid to go out and bring women into his life.
In the end it’s better to have more than less drive, but drive left unchecked will scare away most girls.
The end goal is to channel your libido with clear intent, and then pursue what you desire assertively, but to also balance this drive with things like charisma, romance and giving value.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Have respect for the process, fucker
I saw this quote online today by jazz legend Charlie Parker:
Master the instrument, master the music, then forget all that shit and play.
Any journey to a level of mastery requires the understanding that there will be often lengthy plateaus where growth is not apparent, followed by unexpected rises in progress. It’s this appreciation of the process – both during times of growth and times of apparent stagnation – that keeps guys moving towards their goal. If you haven’t read it by now, go get Mastery by George Leonard. It’s a quick read and he’ll help explain this crap.
But most of us probably don’t have that kind of stamina and patience. By nature, we want shit to materialize quickly and with the smallest amount of energy expenditure and risk.
Hence the very high turn-over in the community. Few of my wings from a year ago still go out, and almost all my wings now are newbs. And let me clarify that by “go out” I mean push themselves to get better interacting with people, and girls in particular. It’s just too much fucking work for most. The blow-outs, the rejections, the flakes, your inner dialogue constantly talking trash. What looked like a promise for easy pussy turns into an epic search for the elusive Holy Grail.
Where many of the dudes who give up falter is in lacking respect for the process. They see a goal and they pursue it. When that goal doesn’t materialize after a month, half a year, two years, they surrender in frustration. But as Leonard points out, striving towards a goal at the expense of enjoyment of the process is bound to fail.
It isn’t easy to always enjoy a process that is so often harsh and brutal. Look I’ve been there. Long dry spells. Times when NO set hooks (if you even have the balls to approach). Feeling like you aren’t learning anything. It’s tempting to stay home, and many times I have done just that.
A lot of guys go astray when they get invested in their interactions. This seems healthy, since nobody wants to be an unemotional robot. But really in terms of mastery, it’s detrimental. Cold detachment from your sets and keeping a critical analytical mindset, these are the best ways to learn this skill. Literally being a social scientist in his lab running experiments.
What if you were training to box, and every time a fighter hit you, you went crying to mommy because some dude was mean to you. Come on, the dude you’re boxing is trained to hit you hard in the face, just like that bitch in the club has been trained to disrespect you. It’s the nature of the beast. Don’t take it personal.
Emotional investment is ultimately healthy, but where guys fuck up is in rewarding a girl with this investment before she deserves it. Certainly not day 1 or day 2. Maybe a few weeks into a relationship. But even then, it is reasonable to step back as objectively as possible and take notes on what’s working and what isn’t. You still need to be a scientist while in a relationship, so that you can strengthen your relationship skills. In the end, the process NEVER ends, even when you have apparently met your goal.
I know guys who meticulously analyze every site at the end of the night. And I know guys who refuse to do this analysis. The latter group tends to flounder around never progressing, ultimately pussyless and angry at the game. You wanna be the first guy, not the second. Here are some ways to get there:
1. Pick apart your sets. All of em. Word by word, if you can remember them. Think back to how a girl or set responded to something you said or did. Her body language, her words, the way the friends reacted.
2. When something worked, keep that in your toolbox and try it again to see if it was just luck or was something meaningful. Fuck community dogma. I found a while back that failing to escalate on day 1 works better for me when it comes to closing; for me, the surest way to fuck a girl on a date is to not put my hands on her on day 1. So be observant of what is working for you, and nevermind what everyone else says works for them.
3. Where things didn’t work, come up with a reason why. Maybe you weren’t standing right (hands in pockets or gesturing too much), maybe you were standing too far away to escalate, maybe your wing came in too soon with the wrong energy level. Realize that for every girl you meet, there’s probably a player out there who could seduce her. So don’t assume it’s the girl, assume it’s you.
4. Come up with solutions to your sticking points. If it’s an issue of having a SP, work around this by creating a plan for the next time you sense that SP is popping up. And blast away at that SP til it resolves. To do this, you need to be totally egoless and honest with yourself. “My sticking point is I didn’t pull the trigger and so the set fizzled out.” Good, now how are you gonna resolve to fix this the next time it happens?
5. If you said something that blew yourself out, come up with a few alternatives that would probably have worked better. Ask your wings or come here to the forum if you have no idea what could’ve worked. Because someone out there may have experienced your issue and has resolved it. I got great advice last week from Action on handling bitchiness, and sure enough that very night I put it to good use.
6. If you didn’t say something you should’ve, get that handled too. Last night a couple stunners kept their backs to me after the open. I ejected, but a better tactic would’ve been calling them out. “Wow, I’m not used to talking to the backs of girls heads! Am I getting you two in trouble with your boyfriends? Is that it?” Then apply this solution in future sets and see if it floats or sinks.
Always be respectful that there is a process and that you need to put in the work to get the results. Disrespecting the process – that is, having the audacity to think you can go out night after night and make the same errors without introspection or correcting your course – is like stamping a big red FAIL on your forehead. Don’t be a boner.
Master the instrument, master the music, then forget all that shit and play.
Any journey to a level of mastery requires the understanding that there will be often lengthy plateaus where growth is not apparent, followed by unexpected rises in progress. It’s this appreciation of the process – both during times of growth and times of apparent stagnation – that keeps guys moving towards their goal. If you haven’t read it by now, go get Mastery by George Leonard. It’s a quick read and he’ll help explain this crap.
But most of us probably don’t have that kind of stamina and patience. By nature, we want shit to materialize quickly and with the smallest amount of energy expenditure and risk.
Hence the very high turn-over in the community. Few of my wings from a year ago still go out, and almost all my wings now are newbs. And let me clarify that by “go out” I mean push themselves to get better interacting with people, and girls in particular. It’s just too much fucking work for most. The blow-outs, the rejections, the flakes, your inner dialogue constantly talking trash. What looked like a promise for easy pussy turns into an epic search for the elusive Holy Grail.
Where many of the dudes who give up falter is in lacking respect for the process. They see a goal and they pursue it. When that goal doesn’t materialize after a month, half a year, two years, they surrender in frustration. But as Leonard points out, striving towards a goal at the expense of enjoyment of the process is bound to fail.
It isn’t easy to always enjoy a process that is so often harsh and brutal. Look I’ve been there. Long dry spells. Times when NO set hooks (if you even have the balls to approach). Feeling like you aren’t learning anything. It’s tempting to stay home, and many times I have done just that.
A lot of guys go astray when they get invested in their interactions. This seems healthy, since nobody wants to be an unemotional robot. But really in terms of mastery, it’s detrimental. Cold detachment from your sets and keeping a critical analytical mindset, these are the best ways to learn this skill. Literally being a social scientist in his lab running experiments.
What if you were training to box, and every time a fighter hit you, you went crying to mommy because some dude was mean to you. Come on, the dude you’re boxing is trained to hit you hard in the face, just like that bitch in the club has been trained to disrespect you. It’s the nature of the beast. Don’t take it personal.
Emotional investment is ultimately healthy, but where guys fuck up is in rewarding a girl with this investment before she deserves it. Certainly not day 1 or day 2. Maybe a few weeks into a relationship. But even then, it is reasonable to step back as objectively as possible and take notes on what’s working and what isn’t. You still need to be a scientist while in a relationship, so that you can strengthen your relationship skills. In the end, the process NEVER ends, even when you have apparently met your goal.
I know guys who meticulously analyze every site at the end of the night. And I know guys who refuse to do this analysis. The latter group tends to flounder around never progressing, ultimately pussyless and angry at the game. You wanna be the first guy, not the second. Here are some ways to get there:
1. Pick apart your sets. All of em. Word by word, if you can remember them. Think back to how a girl or set responded to something you said or did. Her body language, her words, the way the friends reacted.
2. When something worked, keep that in your toolbox and try it again to see if it was just luck or was something meaningful. Fuck community dogma. I found a while back that failing to escalate on day 1 works better for me when it comes to closing; for me, the surest way to fuck a girl on a date is to not put my hands on her on day 1. So be observant of what is working for you, and nevermind what everyone else says works for them.
3. Where things didn’t work, come up with a reason why. Maybe you weren’t standing right (hands in pockets or gesturing too much), maybe you were standing too far away to escalate, maybe your wing came in too soon with the wrong energy level. Realize that for every girl you meet, there’s probably a player out there who could seduce her. So don’t assume it’s the girl, assume it’s you.
4. Come up with solutions to your sticking points. If it’s an issue of having a SP, work around this by creating a plan for the next time you sense that SP is popping up. And blast away at that SP til it resolves. To do this, you need to be totally egoless and honest with yourself. “My sticking point is I didn’t pull the trigger and so the set fizzled out.” Good, now how are you gonna resolve to fix this the next time it happens?
5. If you said something that blew yourself out, come up with a few alternatives that would probably have worked better. Ask your wings or come here to the forum if you have no idea what could’ve worked. Because someone out there may have experienced your issue and has resolved it. I got great advice last week from Action on handling bitchiness, and sure enough that very night I put it to good use.
6. If you didn’t say something you should’ve, get that handled too. Last night a couple stunners kept their backs to me after the open. I ejected, but a better tactic would’ve been calling them out. “Wow, I’m not used to talking to the backs of girls heads! Am I getting you two in trouble with your boyfriends? Is that it?” Then apply this solution in future sets and see if it floats or sinks.
Always be respectful that there is a process and that you need to put in the work to get the results. Disrespecting the process – that is, having the audacity to think you can go out night after night and make the same errors without introspection or correcting your course – is like stamping a big red FAIL on your forehead. Don’t be a boner.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Focusing Intent
Intent with a woman means essentially, where do you want to go with the interaction? Do you want her as a friend? A sexual option? When your intent is cloudy, confusion sets in. So key always is to have clear intent.
Intent is like light.
1. If you shine a big floodlight on a girl, she'll get annoyed and give you the number to make you go away. It didn't really penetrate. Examples: never going direct, no flirting, nothing dominant, no qualifying.
2. If you instead focus and concentrate your light it might be a pinpoint laser beam, but that sucker will burn a deep hole. Example: state your intent, brush off suggestions of her screening you, be dominant, qualify.
You don't want to have a floodlight. Yes, that will get the #, but it won't leave her with much of a positive impression. You want the laser beam. Strong, undeniable, persistent intent. A drive to close the deal.
Ok, here's a diagram:
A. Wide open aperture, no focus to the beam, really diffuse. This is the newbie. His intent is usually just to open 10 sets regardless of his attraction to her, not push to the close, whatever happens happens. Lotsa flakes.
B. A little tight. Here the guy is saying "I'm only gaming the girls I'm attracted to." His subcoms show he's attracted, as does his verbal game. Problem is, he's still willing to supplicate, be beta, be the dancing monkey, etc, in order to get approval.
C. Tighter beam still. This is the guy who not only talks to girls he's interested in, but demands he interacts with her better self. This guy disqualifies to show he's willing to walk away. He qualifies to show he has standards. He's pretty persistent.
D. Tightest. This guy demands he not only interact with her better self, but that he FUCKS her better self. He avoids the frames that don't suit his purposes, he never supplicates, he always self-amuses. He is always internally validated. He is clear about his intent to bang her, even if it's just through his subcoms or implicit verbals.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Being Normal
Sometimes when I’m out with fellas who are acting all fucking weird, I find myself telling them, “dude, be normal!” It got me thinking, how does one transform from weird to normal?
Why be normal?
When any artist starts learning their skill, they must first internalize the fundamentals. Before he or she can venture out into his or her own unique style, that artist should become competent at or master the style of well-established others. For a guy who isn’t good with people, learning the fundamentals – AKA learning how to be normal and fit into society – should precede him developing his own style of behavior.
Girls want to know you CAN be normal. Not to say you should be ordinary or boring, but if the situation calls for it, you can act like a normal man. When you demonstrate this, she feels comfortable and secure.
Nervousness
A big reason why guys act weird is their anxiety. Put em in a familiar situation like a library, and they’re just fine. But pile expectations on their shoulders like having to talk to people, and they crack.
Nervousness is manifested through all kinds of behaviors: talking too fast, stuttering, looking around too much, moving too fast, playing with his cell phone or jewelry, smiling too much, etc etc etc. Not uncommonly, a guy will demonstrate a whole bunch of these behaviors all at once.
Normal people – unless they’re on coke or something – don’t act this over-stimulated when they’re in the usual social situations. Walk into any bar and look at the guys playing pool, or a pack of college kids drinking, and almost always they’re just chilling and having fun. But put these same guys into stressful situations – maybe a final exam at college or a job interview – and now their nervous behaviors emerge.
So it’s ok to become nervous when you need that adrenaline to boost your ability to handle the stress, but it’s not ok to become nervous when all that’s expected of you is to relax and have fun. Do you see why looking nervous in a social gathering may seem weird to others? Ok, well, you need to work on extinguishing these behaviors. And in large part this will mean finding ways to get out of your head, and into your body. Out of the past and future, and into the present. This is some Eckhart Tolle shit. Read it.
Getting out there into the field – even if it just means sitting by yourself in a bar – will be a main way to get these habits under control. You don’t necessarily have to open sets, but you should at very least feel comfortable in your own skin sitting in a bar by yourself, not worrying how others may judge you. So a night out of your house is NEVER a wasted night, even if you’re just sitting there by yourself feeling uncomfortable. With time, that feeling will get better.
Next, focus on body language signals that indicate your anxiety. There are a few good books on the subject. Read them and then always be cognizant of your own nervous behaviors. If you can’t recognize them, have a wing call you out until these habits are broken. It takes a lot of practice for some, and it means being in your head, but in the end it’s worth it.
Dealing with dudes
We get really good at talking to girls, but still many of us suck at interacting with guys. I for one always had more female than male friends, so learning how to interact with other men took work. Plus, I CAN’T STAND talking about sports, cars, or most of the usual “guy” things.
First off, you gotta learn that normal dudes respect other dudes. They don’t touch them in weird ways, they give them plenty of space, they talk in a linear fashion, they make solid eye contact, they shake hands firmly, they project their voice with confidence, and they don’t say shit to belittle the other dude. If you stand with your crotch in some guy’s face, or you grab his thigh while sitting next to him, or make fun of something he’s wearing…even if he doesn’t kick your ass, he’s probably gonna think you’re weird.
And needless to say, normal dudes aren’t afraid of other dudes. That’s one big problem newbs face, the Fear of the Dude. They avoid mixed sets because of some imaginary fight that might erupt. Or maybe that fear isn’t even well-crystallized, he just refuses to open because some guy is standing there. So a lot of PUAs start off in a mindset of intimidation and fear, or feel threatened before a threat is even posed. Again, can you see how this might be considered weird by others?
Guys are there to help you. Make nice with them. Fear not. If you aren’t sure if he’s involved with the girl you’re after, clarify it with her. Problem solved.
Calibration
This encompasses a coupla ideas. First, there is calibrating your energy level. So if you’re in a chill venue and some PUA is doing his magic monkey routine stack bit, spinning and hooting and high-fiving at level 11, that fucker’s acting weird. Always calibrate your energy to the venue and to the set. Like a normal dude.
Second, it’s about calibrating your level of interest. If you come in direct, and you fail to hook, the girls may keep facing each other without showing you much interest. Continuing to show way more interest than they show back is miscalibrated and ultimately creepy. Using push-pull, particularly with your body language, is a good way to offset this.
Both kinds of calibration take mental focus at first to internalize, but with time this becomes your sixth sense. You automatically adjust your energy level and interest level according to environmental cues. In so doing, you become more normal.
Push-Pull
While on the subject, let’s talk more about this tactic. If you stand there and fluff with chicks, you’ll probably wind up going nowhere. Maybe the friend zone, but that’s about it.
And so we employ the concept of pushing girls away, and pulling them in, both physically and verbally. Because it creates attraction.
Here’s the rub. New guys are afraid to push. Why? Because there’s this smokin hot girl talking to him, and if he pushes her too hard, she’s gonna walk away. And being under the influence of scarcity mindset, that would be equivalent to the walls crashing down. The ego would not be happy, and so the newb handles each girl with kid gloves.
But what about pulling? Showing intent? Naw, the new guy is afraid of that too. The thought of walking up to a girl and being direct, stating intent, escalating sexually…this stuff scares a lot of these guys shitless. And so he tempers his intent, again trying to protect his ego.
As a result, he does pull, but it’s an anxious pull. He does push, but it’s an anxious push. Needless to say, his head explodes. Full-on creeper.
Now. I will say that being creepy is perfectly okay as you’re learning the ropes. You need to get comfy with all these new emotions. Incongruence will happen, miscalibration will be the norm. You will seem weird. And that’s ok. Accept that some of the tactics you employ – like push-pull – will not come off smoothly at first. You will look creepy for now, but with practice, all this gets smoothed out and a normal dude emerges. A guy not afraid to push because he has a new-found abundance mindset, and not afraid to pull because he owns his sexuality and isn’t ashamed of telegraphing it.
Assimilation and Entitlement
Whoa! Hold up fucker! What the hell does that shit mean??
Look, if I am among “my peeps,” whatever that means, I will feel normal. I’m an artsy guy, so by hanging around other artists, I feel more normal. If I hang out with jocks, I feel less normal. Assimilation is a big part of feeling normal.
The problem is this: you should feel comfortable in your own skin, regardless of the company around you. And thus arises the sense of entitlement. Meaning, even though I am in a bar full of frat boys, I still FEEL normal, because I’m fucking entitled to be in that bar as much as the frat boys. I may seem out of place, but I will most definitely not appear weird because I am totally at ease with myself.
When you can’t obtain assimilation, entitlement will keep you looking normal.
Agenda and Intent
Intent is good. Agenda is bad.
When I go out every night, my intent is to meet a lovely lady and get her digits. That’s cool if it happens, but when I’m talking to chicks I’m not trying to force this result. I’m not in my head thinking, “ok, should I get the number NOW?? How about…NOW???”
I’m just vibing and enjoying the moment (or not), and then if I like her I go for the number.
Guys who have agendas look weird. If I see a girl sitting at a bar and I walk up to her confidently, I am a man full of intent. But if I linger, stare at her for a couple minutes, walk past her a few times, bump into her as I go for a napkin, but never actually open, then I’ve revealed: a) I have an agenda to get her to notice me, and b) I’m too chicken shit to talk to her. This is a massive fail.
It’s the same for escalation. If I grab a girl and pull her in for a kiss because she’s said something to turn me on, that’s intent. If I do the classic awkward arm-around-the-shoulder in the movie theater, that’s agenda. One’s manly, the other’s weird.
Have intent, not agenda.
Ok, I could go on, but that’s enough for now.
Why be normal?
When any artist starts learning their skill, they must first internalize the fundamentals. Before he or she can venture out into his or her own unique style, that artist should become competent at or master the style of well-established others. For a guy who isn’t good with people, learning the fundamentals – AKA learning how to be normal and fit into society – should precede him developing his own style of behavior.
Girls want to know you CAN be normal. Not to say you should be ordinary or boring, but if the situation calls for it, you can act like a normal man. When you demonstrate this, she feels comfortable and secure.
Nervousness
A big reason why guys act weird is their anxiety. Put em in a familiar situation like a library, and they’re just fine. But pile expectations on their shoulders like having to talk to people, and they crack.
Nervousness is manifested through all kinds of behaviors: talking too fast, stuttering, looking around too much, moving too fast, playing with his cell phone or jewelry, smiling too much, etc etc etc. Not uncommonly, a guy will demonstrate a whole bunch of these behaviors all at once.
Normal people – unless they’re on coke or something – don’t act this over-stimulated when they’re in the usual social situations. Walk into any bar and look at the guys playing pool, or a pack of college kids drinking, and almost always they’re just chilling and having fun. But put these same guys into stressful situations – maybe a final exam at college or a job interview – and now their nervous behaviors emerge.
So it’s ok to become nervous when you need that adrenaline to boost your ability to handle the stress, but it’s not ok to become nervous when all that’s expected of you is to relax and have fun. Do you see why looking nervous in a social gathering may seem weird to others? Ok, well, you need to work on extinguishing these behaviors. And in large part this will mean finding ways to get out of your head, and into your body. Out of the past and future, and into the present. This is some Eckhart Tolle shit. Read it.
Getting out there into the field – even if it just means sitting by yourself in a bar – will be a main way to get these habits under control. You don’t necessarily have to open sets, but you should at very least feel comfortable in your own skin sitting in a bar by yourself, not worrying how others may judge you. So a night out of your house is NEVER a wasted night, even if you’re just sitting there by yourself feeling uncomfortable. With time, that feeling will get better.
Next, focus on body language signals that indicate your anxiety. There are a few good books on the subject. Read them and then always be cognizant of your own nervous behaviors. If you can’t recognize them, have a wing call you out until these habits are broken. It takes a lot of practice for some, and it means being in your head, but in the end it’s worth it.
Dealing with dudes
We get really good at talking to girls, but still many of us suck at interacting with guys. I for one always had more female than male friends, so learning how to interact with other men took work. Plus, I CAN’T STAND talking about sports, cars, or most of the usual “guy” things.
First off, you gotta learn that normal dudes respect other dudes. They don’t touch them in weird ways, they give them plenty of space, they talk in a linear fashion, they make solid eye contact, they shake hands firmly, they project their voice with confidence, and they don’t say shit to belittle the other dude. If you stand with your crotch in some guy’s face, or you grab his thigh while sitting next to him, or make fun of something he’s wearing…even if he doesn’t kick your ass, he’s probably gonna think you’re weird.
And needless to say, normal dudes aren’t afraid of other dudes. That’s one big problem newbs face, the Fear of the Dude. They avoid mixed sets because of some imaginary fight that might erupt. Or maybe that fear isn’t even well-crystallized, he just refuses to open because some guy is standing there. So a lot of PUAs start off in a mindset of intimidation and fear, or feel threatened before a threat is even posed. Again, can you see how this might be considered weird by others?
Guys are there to help you. Make nice with them. Fear not. If you aren’t sure if he’s involved with the girl you’re after, clarify it with her. Problem solved.
Calibration
This encompasses a coupla ideas. First, there is calibrating your energy level. So if you’re in a chill venue and some PUA is doing his magic monkey routine stack bit, spinning and hooting and high-fiving at level 11, that fucker’s acting weird. Always calibrate your energy to the venue and to the set. Like a normal dude.
Second, it’s about calibrating your level of interest. If you come in direct, and you fail to hook, the girls may keep facing each other without showing you much interest. Continuing to show way more interest than they show back is miscalibrated and ultimately creepy. Using push-pull, particularly with your body language, is a good way to offset this.
Both kinds of calibration take mental focus at first to internalize, but with time this becomes your sixth sense. You automatically adjust your energy level and interest level according to environmental cues. In so doing, you become more normal.
Push-Pull
While on the subject, let’s talk more about this tactic. If you stand there and fluff with chicks, you’ll probably wind up going nowhere. Maybe the friend zone, but that’s about it.
And so we employ the concept of pushing girls away, and pulling them in, both physically and verbally. Because it creates attraction.
Here’s the rub. New guys are afraid to push. Why? Because there’s this smokin hot girl talking to him, and if he pushes her too hard, she’s gonna walk away. And being under the influence of scarcity mindset, that would be equivalent to the walls crashing down. The ego would not be happy, and so the newb handles each girl with kid gloves.
But what about pulling? Showing intent? Naw, the new guy is afraid of that too. The thought of walking up to a girl and being direct, stating intent, escalating sexually…this stuff scares a lot of these guys shitless. And so he tempers his intent, again trying to protect his ego.
As a result, he does pull, but it’s an anxious pull. He does push, but it’s an anxious push. Needless to say, his head explodes. Full-on creeper.
Now. I will say that being creepy is perfectly okay as you’re learning the ropes. You need to get comfy with all these new emotions. Incongruence will happen, miscalibration will be the norm. You will seem weird. And that’s ok. Accept that some of the tactics you employ – like push-pull – will not come off smoothly at first. You will look creepy for now, but with practice, all this gets smoothed out and a normal dude emerges. A guy not afraid to push because he has a new-found abundance mindset, and not afraid to pull because he owns his sexuality and isn’t ashamed of telegraphing it.
Assimilation and Entitlement
Whoa! Hold up fucker! What the hell does that shit mean??
Look, if I am among “my peeps,” whatever that means, I will feel normal. I’m an artsy guy, so by hanging around other artists, I feel more normal. If I hang out with jocks, I feel less normal. Assimilation is a big part of feeling normal.
The problem is this: you should feel comfortable in your own skin, regardless of the company around you. And thus arises the sense of entitlement. Meaning, even though I am in a bar full of frat boys, I still FEEL normal, because I’m fucking entitled to be in that bar as much as the frat boys. I may seem out of place, but I will most definitely not appear weird because I am totally at ease with myself.
When you can’t obtain assimilation, entitlement will keep you looking normal.
Agenda and Intent
Intent is good. Agenda is bad.
When I go out every night, my intent is to meet a lovely lady and get her digits. That’s cool if it happens, but when I’m talking to chicks I’m not trying to force this result. I’m not in my head thinking, “ok, should I get the number NOW?? How about…NOW???”
I’m just vibing and enjoying the moment (or not), and then if I like her I go for the number.
Guys who have agendas look weird. If I see a girl sitting at a bar and I walk up to her confidently, I am a man full of intent. But if I linger, stare at her for a couple minutes, walk past her a few times, bump into her as I go for a napkin, but never actually open, then I’ve revealed: a) I have an agenda to get her to notice me, and b) I’m too chicken shit to talk to her. This is a massive fail.
It’s the same for escalation. If I grab a girl and pull her in for a kiss because she’s said something to turn me on, that’s intent. If I do the classic awkward arm-around-the-shoulder in the movie theater, that’s agenda. One’s manly, the other’s weird.
Have intent, not agenda.
Ok, I could go on, but that’s enough for now.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Crazy Mommy, Invisible Daddy
This phenomenon is rampant in the pick-up community, and probably among the general population of men. I know it applied heavily to my life, and talking to one of my local wings last night, I was reminded that so many dudes suffer from this.
The American family unit has disintegrated. Marriages fail half the time, and in the other half you probably have a large percentage that is dysfunctional. Tons of single moms raising boys on their own. Tons of boys who have no clue how to be men, so take their cues from TV and movies.
This is a set-up for badness when it comes to passing down manhood to one’s son. As a result, we have decades of boys being raised by crazy moms, and by dads who aren’t there.
Invisible Daddy
This is the guy who was supposed to be there telling you to go approach that two-set. The guy correcting your tonality and body language. The guy telling you to hit the gym 5 days a week and start dressing in more stylish clothes because hot girls care about this stuff. Instead, he wasn’t there, and so now here you are in the community trying to get this knowledge. Better late than never.
Where was daddy?
Maybe he bailed out of his relationship with mom. Maybe she booted him out. Maybe he was physically there, but not present emotionally or in spirit. Maybe he meant well but never really stepped up as a Man to show you how it was done, because maybe he himself had no clue. Maybe he was drunk all the time or out chasing skirts.
And so, you had a father who essentially was not there. Cobain summed it up well (as usual) in “Serve the Servants”:
“I tried hard to have a father but instead I had a dad.”
So when you don’t have a real male role model to guide you, you turn to the next option, your mom.
Crazy Mommy
Invisible dad may be around, but he doesn’t wear the pants. That role goes to mom. Mommy is stepping up and trying to raise her son the best she can. When dad fucks up, there’s mom assuming the masculine role putting dad in his submissive place. How’s that for fucked up?
In community jargon, dad tries to assert himself, then mom shit tests him as is her nature, and then dad buckles, and then mom is disappointed and forced to be the dad.
So you learn how to be a man from mom. And women, as we all know by now, are not generally very good at being men. They like to test their men, but at the end of the day, they would prefer relaxing into their femininity and letting the man step up and do his job.
Over time, mommy does what she can to raise us. She gives us information about life and love. The problem is, it’s largely wrong. We don’t realize it at the time, and hence we deeply internalize this advice. We take it to the extreme and cling to it for decades, permitting it to shape our world view.
Like when I was a kid, I always heard “never talk to strangers.” As an adult, I held onto that warning, and never talked to strangers. Nevermind that the advice was meant to prevent kidnapping, and didn’t mean I shouldn’t talk to a girl sitting next to me. I had to force that mindset out of my head, and give myself permission to talk to strangers. Sounds ridiculous, but this is the kind of bullshit advice that has stuck with tons of dudes all their lives, much of it implanted by mom.
Another one I got was “you’re gonna be 8 this year! When are you gonna start acting like it?!” As if a seven-year-old needs that kind of pressure to grow up. What did I know? So I thought, “ok, I guess my childhood is over…better start acting serious.” When I tell her about this, she denies ever having made these comments. Moms often will.
The epiphany for me was that mommy didn’t mean to be crazy. She was doing what she could and had to do, and since daddy wasn’t present to counter her nutty advice, we had no choice but to believe it.
This came from a place of love, not indignation or ill-will.
And so, recognizing what mommy was up against, and trying to do the right thing, as adults we need to forgive her. Like truly deep down appreciate all her stupid advice, and stop blaming her for the way we turned out. Starting right now.
The American family unit has disintegrated. Marriages fail half the time, and in the other half you probably have a large percentage that is dysfunctional. Tons of single moms raising boys on their own. Tons of boys who have no clue how to be men, so take their cues from TV and movies.
This is a set-up for badness when it comes to passing down manhood to one’s son. As a result, we have decades of boys being raised by crazy moms, and by dads who aren’t there.
Invisible Daddy
This is the guy who was supposed to be there telling you to go approach that two-set. The guy correcting your tonality and body language. The guy telling you to hit the gym 5 days a week and start dressing in more stylish clothes because hot girls care about this stuff. Instead, he wasn’t there, and so now here you are in the community trying to get this knowledge. Better late than never.
Where was daddy?
Maybe he bailed out of his relationship with mom. Maybe she booted him out. Maybe he was physically there, but not present emotionally or in spirit. Maybe he meant well but never really stepped up as a Man to show you how it was done, because maybe he himself had no clue. Maybe he was drunk all the time or out chasing skirts.
And so, you had a father who essentially was not there. Cobain summed it up well (as usual) in “Serve the Servants”:
“I tried hard to have a father but instead I had a dad.”
So when you don’t have a real male role model to guide you, you turn to the next option, your mom.
Crazy Mommy
Invisible dad may be around, but he doesn’t wear the pants. That role goes to mom. Mommy is stepping up and trying to raise her son the best she can. When dad fucks up, there’s mom assuming the masculine role putting dad in his submissive place. How’s that for fucked up?
In community jargon, dad tries to assert himself, then mom shit tests him as is her nature, and then dad buckles, and then mom is disappointed and forced to be the dad.
So you learn how to be a man from mom. And women, as we all know by now, are not generally very good at being men. They like to test their men, but at the end of the day, they would prefer relaxing into their femininity and letting the man step up and do his job.
Over time, mommy does what she can to raise us. She gives us information about life and love. The problem is, it’s largely wrong. We don’t realize it at the time, and hence we deeply internalize this advice. We take it to the extreme and cling to it for decades, permitting it to shape our world view.
Like when I was a kid, I always heard “never talk to strangers.” As an adult, I held onto that warning, and never talked to strangers. Nevermind that the advice was meant to prevent kidnapping, and didn’t mean I shouldn’t talk to a girl sitting next to me. I had to force that mindset out of my head, and give myself permission to talk to strangers. Sounds ridiculous, but this is the kind of bullshit advice that has stuck with tons of dudes all their lives, much of it implanted by mom.
Another one I got was “you’re gonna be 8 this year! When are you gonna start acting like it?!” As if a seven-year-old needs that kind of pressure to grow up. What did I know? So I thought, “ok, I guess my childhood is over…better start acting serious.” When I tell her about this, she denies ever having made these comments. Moms often will.
The epiphany for me was that mommy didn’t mean to be crazy. She was doing what she could and had to do, and since daddy wasn’t present to counter her nutty advice, we had no choice but to believe it.
This came from a place of love, not indignation or ill-will.
And so, recognizing what mommy was up against, and trying to do the right thing, as adults we need to forgive her. Like truly deep down appreciate all her stupid advice, and stop blaming her for the way we turned out. Starting right now.
Your Facebook Make-Over
As part of my text game coaching service (puafieldguide.com), I help guys do a make-over of their FB profile. Some of em just need a little tweaking, some need a major over-haul. Here are a few tips for you fuckers…
These are the tools you have to work with:
1. Your friends.
Do you have 10 or do you have 300? Are they all dudes, an equal mix, or mostly hotties? If you don’t have 100-200 friends, you need to go out and start making them. Adding peeps is super-easy, especially chicks in bars. I went and made friends with Zach Galifianakis and post on his updates on occasion. It’s fine to name-drop. I’d stay clear of most PUA gurus or if they have “PUA” in their name.
2. Your wall.
Here is where you can post status updates, and where friends post shit to you. If you comment on friends’ statuses, it’ll show here. If you add a pic or video, or a link to a youtube vid, or a new friend, those things get posted here.
So there should always be a ton of activity. Not peak socializing hours like Friday night, but you know, during Monday afternoon. Browse around your friends’ profiles and start commenting on their pics, updates, etc. Make insightful and fun comments about your day…something you saw on the street, some stuff a chick said to you, whatevs.
Note: BE NICE TO YOUR WINGS! Don’t post anything that would make them look lame. If a wing does that to you, just delete his post and let him know. We’re here to prop each other up.
Don’t be super-serious unless it makes sense (like don’t give a big irritated spiel on what a womanizing scumbag Tiger Woods is, but do say something sympathetic about a recent natural disaster). Mix it up: a few funny posts, a few more serious insights, a quote, a video you found, a political commentary.
Ideally, you want chicks (even if they ain’t hot) posting a lot on your updates. You can help get this by posting your own updates that grab attention about 5-6 times a week, and by posting something nifty on your girls’ profiles. The best example of this I’ve seen is Jordan Harbinger of Art of Charm; greatest damn posts I’ve read. Go make friends with him right now. I’ll wait.
Just a word of caution: I’ve annoyed girls by posting on their wall before getting to know them. If you just met a chick, you can add value to her wall, but be aware that you can easily get unfriended if you cross the line (too weird, too much, too personal, etc).
3. Left column.
Here’s your profile pic, a quote, relationship status, birthday, list of friends, photos, videos, links and notes.
Key is to have a great primary profile pic. You should be CLEARLY visible, having a fun time. I don’t recommend dark sunglasses or anything that obscures your face. Be cautious with group pics. I’ve seen profiles where EVERY pic is a group pic, and I have no idea which of the dudes owns the profile. Your profile pic should be warm and inviting, charismatic, or anything that makes girls feel like getting to know you better. They should not feel afraid when they see a pic of you.
Pick a quote…find a book of quotes, use a movie quote, etc. Keep it fun. Relationship status…single. Birthday…personally I don’t put the year, just the day and month. Intrigue.
4. Info.
Meh, I don’t put that much here. I’m single, interested in women. I got my home town listed. My religion is listed as “food.” A few more things under interests, activities, music. Nothing too detailed. I don’t want to give everything away on my FB page, just get a little intrigue. I’ll fill in the rest in person. Guys who are super busy don’t have the time to post every single song they like or book they’ve read.
You can add groups and pages, but again be careful not to add a bunch of weird or PUA-related things. Like if everything has to do with Neil Strauss and Mystery, you need to drop that crap and go find some more amusing pages and meaningful organizations.
5. Photos.
Peeps will tag you on their own profiles. If the pic is unflattering, untag yourself without hesitation. You passed out drunk on the sidewalk…untag. You peacocked at a PUA summit…untag. Obviously, you know where I stand on having a bunch of PUA shit on your fb page. If they’re cool dudes who don’t look or sound like PUAs, go for it. If everything about them screams of PUA…untag.
Under the main photos section you have albums. These include your profile and wall pics albums. Divide them up into groups that’re easy to understand. I have one folder for my dog and my house. I have one for my homies and girls. I have one for my birfday. And so on.
If you don’t have pics of you with hot girls, what are you waiting for? Loading your fb page with these pics is about the easiest thing you’ll ever do. Get a camera, go to a club, and start taking pics. You by yourself, you with girls, you with wings. Have fun. Pick the best ones. Post em.
Have pics that reflect other things you love to do. Rock-climbing, playing music, whatevs. Let your personality shine here. Don’t keep showing your mean mug. Fucking smile!
6. Other stuff.
Videos of my dog playing piano. My song lyrics and downloads. Top ten albums of all times. Favorite movie quotes. Anything you wanna post, put it up. This is icing.
Just beware of a few things. You DON’T want to scare girls. So if you want to make a political or religious statement, go easy and keep it witty and fun, not mean and angry. No pics of you flipping off Bush. No pics of you looking like a gangsta or terrorist. Girls are very skittish. Don’t give them another reason to ignore you.
These are the tools you have to work with:
1. Your friends.
Do you have 10 or do you have 300? Are they all dudes, an equal mix, or mostly hotties? If you don’t have 100-200 friends, you need to go out and start making them. Adding peeps is super-easy, especially chicks in bars. I went and made friends with Zach Galifianakis and post on his updates on occasion. It’s fine to name-drop. I’d stay clear of most PUA gurus or if they have “PUA” in their name.
2. Your wall.
Here is where you can post status updates, and where friends post shit to you. If you comment on friends’ statuses, it’ll show here. If you add a pic or video, or a link to a youtube vid, or a new friend, those things get posted here.
So there should always be a ton of activity. Not peak socializing hours like Friday night, but you know, during Monday afternoon. Browse around your friends’ profiles and start commenting on their pics, updates, etc. Make insightful and fun comments about your day…something you saw on the street, some stuff a chick said to you, whatevs.
Note: BE NICE TO YOUR WINGS! Don’t post anything that would make them look lame. If a wing does that to you, just delete his post and let him know. We’re here to prop each other up.
Don’t be super-serious unless it makes sense (like don’t give a big irritated spiel on what a womanizing scumbag Tiger Woods is, but do say something sympathetic about a recent natural disaster). Mix it up: a few funny posts, a few more serious insights, a quote, a video you found, a political commentary.
Ideally, you want chicks (even if they ain’t hot) posting a lot on your updates. You can help get this by posting your own updates that grab attention about 5-6 times a week, and by posting something nifty on your girls’ profiles. The best example of this I’ve seen is Jordan Harbinger of Art of Charm; greatest damn posts I’ve read. Go make friends with him right now. I’ll wait.
Just a word of caution: I’ve annoyed girls by posting on their wall before getting to know them. If you just met a chick, you can add value to her wall, but be aware that you can easily get unfriended if you cross the line (too weird, too much, too personal, etc).
3. Left column.
Here’s your profile pic, a quote, relationship status, birthday, list of friends, photos, videos, links and notes.
Key is to have a great primary profile pic. You should be CLEARLY visible, having a fun time. I don’t recommend dark sunglasses or anything that obscures your face. Be cautious with group pics. I’ve seen profiles where EVERY pic is a group pic, and I have no idea which of the dudes owns the profile. Your profile pic should be warm and inviting, charismatic, or anything that makes girls feel like getting to know you better. They should not feel afraid when they see a pic of you.
Pick a quote…find a book of quotes, use a movie quote, etc. Keep it fun. Relationship status…single. Birthday…personally I don’t put the year, just the day and month. Intrigue.
4. Info.
Meh, I don’t put that much here. I’m single, interested in women. I got my home town listed. My religion is listed as “food.” A few more things under interests, activities, music. Nothing too detailed. I don’t want to give everything away on my FB page, just get a little intrigue. I’ll fill in the rest in person. Guys who are super busy don’t have the time to post every single song they like or book they’ve read.
You can add groups and pages, but again be careful not to add a bunch of weird or PUA-related things. Like if everything has to do with Neil Strauss and Mystery, you need to drop that crap and go find some more amusing pages and meaningful organizations.
5. Photos.
Peeps will tag you on their own profiles. If the pic is unflattering, untag yourself without hesitation. You passed out drunk on the sidewalk…untag. You peacocked at a PUA summit…untag. Obviously, you know where I stand on having a bunch of PUA shit on your fb page. If they’re cool dudes who don’t look or sound like PUAs, go for it. If everything about them screams of PUA…untag.
Under the main photos section you have albums. These include your profile and wall pics albums. Divide them up into groups that’re easy to understand. I have one folder for my dog and my house. I have one for my homies and girls. I have one for my birfday. And so on.
If you don’t have pics of you with hot girls, what are you waiting for? Loading your fb page with these pics is about the easiest thing you’ll ever do. Get a camera, go to a club, and start taking pics. You by yourself, you with girls, you with wings. Have fun. Pick the best ones. Post em.
Have pics that reflect other things you love to do. Rock-climbing, playing music, whatevs. Let your personality shine here. Don’t keep showing your mean mug. Fucking smile!
6. Other stuff.
Videos of my dog playing piano. My song lyrics and downloads. Top ten albums of all times. Favorite movie quotes. Anything you wanna post, put it up. This is icing.
Just beware of a few things. You DON’T want to scare girls. So if you want to make a political or religious statement, go easy and keep it witty and fun, not mean and angry. No pics of you flipping off Bush. No pics of you looking like a gangsta or terrorist. Girls are very skittish. Don’t give them another reason to ignore you.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Shit I do to get make outs
We were doing the Chodefest thing last night. Me, Troublesome and that Jayku mother fucker. I had just moved a cute girl to the smoking area of 7 Grand to make out.
I left her set for a bit and saw Jayku talking to this blond chick. She was totally into him, so I thought the pull was in the bag, but a few minutes later he came walking back up to us with a sad puss. A half hour later she was hanging onto some other dude in a dark corner. Jayku had not gone for the make out, and so most likely she lost interest.
We bounced to the Standard, and I sat down with him to go over the stuff I do to get make outs. And no, I don’t mean grabbing girls by the face and forcing the kiss, or dealing with sloppy drunk club chicks. I mean, when you’re talking to a sober or slightly buzzed girl, and you get her into the state of wanting to reciprocate the kiss. Be that same night or on a date.
When I started, I had a huge problem with this. Not just from an inner game aspect, but because I also always got her cheek. Dames never wanted to make out. Here are some barriers I’ve dealt with and 10 tips that I’ve used to get around them while in the venue.
1. Inner game. Trigger anxiety is something they don’t talk a lot about, but for me it was as real as approach anxiety. Even if all the signs were Go, I couldn’t nut up and pull the trigger. I knew everything got much less awkward on a date once this waypoint had been reached, and yet I kept stopping myself. On top of this, I was always a germophobe.
Just like the approach, I needed some kind of stack to help. First, I had a verbal reason to pull her in, like “come here, you’re adorable.” Or sniffing her neck while saying her hair smelled good. Any lame excuse to get my face close to her neck or face. Next, I didn’t go right for the kiss, but would kiss her forehead, cheek or neck. Then if she was still standing there, I’d pull the trigger. Rinse and repeat until that fear goes away, and you can just pull her in for the kiss without the other shenanigans.
2. Downshifting your energy. It’s helpful if she’s attracted to you before going for the kiss, but attraction was never a problem of mine. If my personality wasn’t winning a girl over, then my routines would always do it. But that wasn’t serving me well when I tried to get a kiss.
Instead, it’s important once you have attraction to lower your pitch, speed and volume. We call this bedroom voice. It should be rather seductive, often talking into each other’s ears, even if the venue isn’t that loud. You likewise would remain very still and centered with your body language. You can do some high energy shit with your hands to hook a set, but before the kiss, you need to look more like a tree.
3. Sensual touching. Ok, so there are many ways to touch a person. If she’s sickly, you can provide a comforting touch. If you’re trying to spike her buying temp, you can high five. If you’re trying to fuck her, your touch would be sexual (fingering, heavy kissing, etc).
But right before the first kiss, your touch should be sensual. That includes stroking her forearm, holding her hand, gliding your fingers through her hair, gently massaging her neck while you talk into her ear. I often use a palmistry routine, which is pretty lame, but it introduces some sensual touch while cold reading, spiking BT and getting sexual. Besides that, when I was talking to the chick last night, I had my hand on her knee and thigh (she was sitting on a barstool and I was standing next to her). Sensual touching warms girls up, and you should start doing it as soon as you’ve truly hooked (she’s facing you, making flirty eye contact, smiling, moving in to talk to you).
4. Make intent clear. Verbally throw out comments that let her know you like her. Even if they’re playful, like my elbow bit. Last night I said stuff like, “You can’t fly back home tomorrow…we haven’t fallen in love yet!” (credit Rob Judge) and “Oh good, you’re single? Let’s get outta here!” These things caused her to laugh because they were absurdly direct, and it’s ok to laugh when needed to break the tension, but don’t laugh nervously or saying “just kidding” as a way to relieve your own anxiety. Let the tension sit, see how she reacts, then break it with her so she isn’t uncomfortable.
If you find yourself doing a lot of chodespeak (interview questions, lame stuff about politics or sports), then take a step back. You can say “wtf? How’d we get onto religion?? This is a bar!” Last night she started giving me some long spiel about what she does, and I cut her off with a “whatever” and stacked into some other more exciting topic (it sounds rude, but it works). Likewise, if you find you haven’t made your intent clear, it’s ok to randomly stop the convo and drop it in. Like if she’s going on about her work, tell her how sexy it is (this is especially effective if it’s a non-sexy job like math teacher). Role play and cold read about the naughty aspects of her job.
There’s no real need to go overtly sexual. Meaning, you CAN ask her about giving head and stuff, but that won’t necessarily make her more willing to kiss you, and can backfire. So just get your intent on the table, playfully and/or seductively, and move on.
5. Kiss another place. I usually tell girls I like their elbows, and often I’ll kiss em there. Girls pretty much have never had a dude in a bar kiss their elbow, so this catches them off guard and spikes BT. If not that, you can kiss her neck, hand, cheek, forehead or shoulder. Or if she shows you her tattoo, you can give it a kiss. If she’s ok with that, it is a stepping stone to the real deal.
6. Isolation. I always mini-isolate, but anytime I want to go for a makeout, I want the girl and I to be in true isolation away from her friends. Preferably in some dark corner. This isn’t always necessary of course (lots of girls like making out in front of their friends, just like us dudes), but if you sense she’s willing to kiss but worried what her friends might say, then go for isolation.
I have a secret clubhouse at 7 Grand. It’s the far end of the smoking area where nobody hangs out. I oversell it, grab her hand, and lead her there into isolation. But you can improvise in any venue. Say it’s too dark to read her palm, or too loud to talk, or you want to sit because your feet hurt, or you want to go to the bar. Whatever, just have some excuse, spike her BT, and then lead her there with authority.
7. Routines. I think routines are uberlame. Anytime you logically engage a girl’s mind to tell her you’re about escalate, it’s a lose. You want to disengage her logical mind and spike her emotions, then escalate. So Mystery’s gambit isn’t something I would use, for that reason and because it feels beta to ask chicks if they want me to kiss them. Style’s phase shift thingy is overly complicated, but does incorporate some of the above like kissing other areas and sensual touch. If you need a routine to get you past your trigger anxiety, try it out, but in the long run I don’t find it’s anything more than another crutch.
8. Watch for the window. There are times when a girl wants you to kiss her and times when she’s not feeling it. Pull the trigger when that window is open. Sometimes once it closes and you haven’t made your move, it’ll never open again.
9. Rough play. I have a wall in my little 7 Grand clubhouse that I tell girls is my “favorite wall.” I say “I love this wall!” Then I slam her against it and kiss her. Any kind of dominant behavior if done right will spike her emotions and make her more willing to kiss. It’s always fun to manhandle broads, and once attracted they usually like it (even as they’re voicing objection to it).
10. Good oral hygiene. Naturally, if girls are gonna wanna kiss you, it helps if you don’t smell like a sewer. I had bad breath for ages, but I investigated treatments and overcame it (as far as I can tell). Here’s my formula:
a) Brush before you go out, with a powered toothbrush. This includes your tongue and roof of mouth. Wash all the residue out thoroughly, maybe five times.
b) Use Listerine twice a day. Use enough to get it back to all the regions of your mouth, and even swallow a little to hit the back of you tongue.
c) Scrape your tongue in the mornings.
d) Don’t eat smelly food before going out.
e) Floss at night before bed.
f) Keep minty gum on you and chew a lot of it in the venue.
g) I had acid reflux. So does my dog. We’re both on Prilosec, and now our breaths are much better. If this is something that might be a problem, go see your doctor or try over-the-counter Prilosec for a week or two.
And that should do it. Happy snargings, fuckers.
I left her set for a bit and saw Jayku talking to this blond chick. She was totally into him, so I thought the pull was in the bag, but a few minutes later he came walking back up to us with a sad puss. A half hour later she was hanging onto some other dude in a dark corner. Jayku had not gone for the make out, and so most likely she lost interest.
We bounced to the Standard, and I sat down with him to go over the stuff I do to get make outs. And no, I don’t mean grabbing girls by the face and forcing the kiss, or dealing with sloppy drunk club chicks. I mean, when you’re talking to a sober or slightly buzzed girl, and you get her into the state of wanting to reciprocate the kiss. Be that same night or on a date.
When I started, I had a huge problem with this. Not just from an inner game aspect, but because I also always got her cheek. Dames never wanted to make out. Here are some barriers I’ve dealt with and 10 tips that I’ve used to get around them while in the venue.
1. Inner game. Trigger anxiety is something they don’t talk a lot about, but for me it was as real as approach anxiety. Even if all the signs were Go, I couldn’t nut up and pull the trigger. I knew everything got much less awkward on a date once this waypoint had been reached, and yet I kept stopping myself. On top of this, I was always a germophobe.
Just like the approach, I needed some kind of stack to help. First, I had a verbal reason to pull her in, like “come here, you’re adorable.” Or sniffing her neck while saying her hair smelled good. Any lame excuse to get my face close to her neck or face. Next, I didn’t go right for the kiss, but would kiss her forehead, cheek or neck. Then if she was still standing there, I’d pull the trigger. Rinse and repeat until that fear goes away, and you can just pull her in for the kiss without the other shenanigans.
2. Downshifting your energy. It’s helpful if she’s attracted to you before going for the kiss, but attraction was never a problem of mine. If my personality wasn’t winning a girl over, then my routines would always do it. But that wasn’t serving me well when I tried to get a kiss.
Instead, it’s important once you have attraction to lower your pitch, speed and volume. We call this bedroom voice. It should be rather seductive, often talking into each other’s ears, even if the venue isn’t that loud. You likewise would remain very still and centered with your body language. You can do some high energy shit with your hands to hook a set, but before the kiss, you need to look more like a tree.
3. Sensual touching. Ok, so there are many ways to touch a person. If she’s sickly, you can provide a comforting touch. If you’re trying to spike her buying temp, you can high five. If you’re trying to fuck her, your touch would be sexual (fingering, heavy kissing, etc).
But right before the first kiss, your touch should be sensual. That includes stroking her forearm, holding her hand, gliding your fingers through her hair, gently massaging her neck while you talk into her ear. I often use a palmistry routine, which is pretty lame, but it introduces some sensual touch while cold reading, spiking BT and getting sexual. Besides that, when I was talking to the chick last night, I had my hand on her knee and thigh (she was sitting on a barstool and I was standing next to her). Sensual touching warms girls up, and you should start doing it as soon as you’ve truly hooked (she’s facing you, making flirty eye contact, smiling, moving in to talk to you).
4. Make intent clear. Verbally throw out comments that let her know you like her. Even if they’re playful, like my elbow bit. Last night I said stuff like, “You can’t fly back home tomorrow…we haven’t fallen in love yet!” (credit Rob Judge) and “Oh good, you’re single? Let’s get outta here!” These things caused her to laugh because they were absurdly direct, and it’s ok to laugh when needed to break the tension, but don’t laugh nervously or saying “just kidding” as a way to relieve your own anxiety. Let the tension sit, see how she reacts, then break it with her so she isn’t uncomfortable.
If you find yourself doing a lot of chodespeak (interview questions, lame stuff about politics or sports), then take a step back. You can say “wtf? How’d we get onto religion?? This is a bar!” Last night she started giving me some long spiel about what she does, and I cut her off with a “whatever” and stacked into some other more exciting topic (it sounds rude, but it works). Likewise, if you find you haven’t made your intent clear, it’s ok to randomly stop the convo and drop it in. Like if she’s going on about her work, tell her how sexy it is (this is especially effective if it’s a non-sexy job like math teacher). Role play and cold read about the naughty aspects of her job.
There’s no real need to go overtly sexual. Meaning, you CAN ask her about giving head and stuff, but that won’t necessarily make her more willing to kiss you, and can backfire. So just get your intent on the table, playfully and/or seductively, and move on.
5. Kiss another place. I usually tell girls I like their elbows, and often I’ll kiss em there. Girls pretty much have never had a dude in a bar kiss their elbow, so this catches them off guard and spikes BT. If not that, you can kiss her neck, hand, cheek, forehead or shoulder. Or if she shows you her tattoo, you can give it a kiss. If she’s ok with that, it is a stepping stone to the real deal.
6. Isolation. I always mini-isolate, but anytime I want to go for a makeout, I want the girl and I to be in true isolation away from her friends. Preferably in some dark corner. This isn’t always necessary of course (lots of girls like making out in front of their friends, just like us dudes), but if you sense she’s willing to kiss but worried what her friends might say, then go for isolation.
I have a secret clubhouse at 7 Grand. It’s the far end of the smoking area where nobody hangs out. I oversell it, grab her hand, and lead her there into isolation. But you can improvise in any venue. Say it’s too dark to read her palm, or too loud to talk, or you want to sit because your feet hurt, or you want to go to the bar. Whatever, just have some excuse, spike her BT, and then lead her there with authority.
7. Routines. I think routines are uberlame. Anytime you logically engage a girl’s mind to tell her you’re about escalate, it’s a lose. You want to disengage her logical mind and spike her emotions, then escalate. So Mystery’s gambit isn’t something I would use, for that reason and because it feels beta to ask chicks if they want me to kiss them. Style’s phase shift thingy is overly complicated, but does incorporate some of the above like kissing other areas and sensual touch. If you need a routine to get you past your trigger anxiety, try it out, but in the long run I don’t find it’s anything more than another crutch.
8. Watch for the window. There are times when a girl wants you to kiss her and times when she’s not feeling it. Pull the trigger when that window is open. Sometimes once it closes and you haven’t made your move, it’ll never open again.
9. Rough play. I have a wall in my little 7 Grand clubhouse that I tell girls is my “favorite wall.” I say “I love this wall!” Then I slam her against it and kiss her. Any kind of dominant behavior if done right will spike her emotions and make her more willing to kiss. It’s always fun to manhandle broads, and once attracted they usually like it (even as they’re voicing objection to it).
10. Good oral hygiene. Naturally, if girls are gonna wanna kiss you, it helps if you don’t smell like a sewer. I had bad breath for ages, but I investigated treatments and overcame it (as far as I can tell). Here’s my formula:
a) Brush before you go out, with a powered toothbrush. This includes your tongue and roof of mouth. Wash all the residue out thoroughly, maybe five times.
b) Use Listerine twice a day. Use enough to get it back to all the regions of your mouth, and even swallow a little to hit the back of you tongue.
c) Scrape your tongue in the mornings.
d) Don’t eat smelly food before going out.
e) Floss at night before bed.
f) Keep minty gum on you and chew a lot of it in the venue.
g) I had acid reflux. So does my dog. We’re both on Prilosec, and now our breaths are much better. If this is something that might be a problem, go see your doctor or try over-the-counter Prilosec for a week or two.
And that should do it. Happy snargings, fuckers.
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