Focusing Intent

Intent with a woman means essentially, where do you want to go with the interaction? Do you want her as a friend? A sexual option? When your intent is cloudy, confusion sets in. So key always is to have clear intent.

Intent is like light.

1. If you shine a big floodlight on a girl, she'll get annoyed and give you the number to make you go away. It didn't really penetrate. Examples: never going direct, no flirting, nothing dominant, no qualifying.

2. If you instead focus and concentrate your light it might be a pinpoint laser beam, but that sucker will burn a deep hole. Example: state your intent, brush off suggestions of her screening you, be dominant, qualify.

You don't want to have a floodlight. Yes, that will get the #, but it won't leave her with much of a positive impression. You want the laser beam. Strong, undeniable, persistent intent. A drive to close the deal.

Ok, here's a diagram:

A. Wide open aperture, no focus to the beam, really diffuse. This is the newbie. His intent is usually just to open 10 sets regardless of his attraction to her, not push to the close, whatever happens happens. Lotsa flakes.

B. A little tight. Here the guy is saying "I'm only gaming the girls I'm attracted to." His subcoms show he's attracted, as does his verbal game. Problem is, he's still willing to supplicate, be beta, be the dancing monkey, etc, in order to get approval.

C. Tighter beam still. This is the guy who not only talks to girls he's interested in, but demands he interacts with her better self. This guy disqualifies to show he's willing to walk away. He qualifies to show he has standards. He's pretty persistent.

D. Tightest. This guy demands he not only interact with her better self, but that he FUCKS her better self. He avoids the frames that don't suit his purposes, he never supplicates, he always self-amuses. He is always internally validated. He is clear about his intent to bang her, even if it's just through his subcoms or implicit verbals.

Being Normal

Sometimes when I’m out with fellas who are acting all fucking weird, I find myself telling them, “dude, be normal!” It got me thinking, how does one transform from weird to normal?

Why be normal?
When any artist starts learning their skill, they must first internalize the fundamentals. Before he or she can venture out into his or her own unique style, that artist should become competent at or master the style of well-established others. For a guy who isn’t good with people, learning the fundamentals – AKA learning how to be normal and fit into society – should precede him developing his own style of behavior.

Girls want to know you CAN be normal. Not to say you should be ordinary or boring, but if the situation calls for it, you can act like a normal man. When you demonstrate this, she feels comfortable and secure.

Nervousness
A big reason why guys act weird is their anxiety. Put em in a familiar situation like a library, and they’re just fine. But pile expectations on their shoulders like having to talk to people, and they crack.

Nervousness is manifested through all kinds of behaviors: talking too fast, stuttering, looking around too much, moving too fast, playing with his cell phone or jewelry, smiling too much, etc etc etc. Not uncommonly, a guy will demonstrate a whole bunch of these behaviors all at once.

Normal people – unless they’re on coke or something – don’t act this over-stimulated when they’re in the usual social situations. Walk into any bar and look at the guys playing pool, or a pack of college kids drinking, and almost always they’re just chilling and having fun. But put these same guys into stressful situations – maybe a final exam at college or a job interview – and now their nervous behaviors emerge.

So it’s ok to become nervous when you need that adrenaline to boost your ability to handle the stress, but it’s not ok to become nervous when all that’s expected of you is to relax and have fun. Do you see why looking nervous in a social gathering may seem weird to others? Ok, well, you need to work on extinguishing these behaviors. And in large part this will mean finding ways to get out of your head, and into your body. Out of the past and future, and into the present. This is some Eckhart Tolle shit. Read it.

Getting out there into the field – even if it just means sitting by yourself in a bar – will be a main way to get these habits under control. You don’t necessarily have to open sets, but you should at very least feel comfortable in your own skin sitting in a bar by yourself, not worrying how others may judge you. So a night out of your house is NEVER a wasted night, even if you’re just sitting there by yourself feeling uncomfortable. With time, that feeling will get better.

Next, focus on body language signals that indicate your anxiety. There are a few good books on the subject. Read them and then always be cognizant of your own nervous behaviors. If you can’t recognize them, have a wing call you out until these habits are broken. It takes a lot of practice for some, and it means being in your head, but in the end it’s worth it.

Dealing with dudes
We get really good at talking to girls, but still many of us suck at interacting with guys. I for one always had more female than male friends, so learning how to interact with other men took work. Plus, I CAN’T STAND talking about sports, cars, or most of the usual “guy” things.

First off, you gotta learn that normal dudes respect other dudes. They don’t touch them in weird ways, they give them plenty of space, they talk in a linear fashion, they make solid eye contact, they shake hands firmly, they project their voice with confidence, and they don’t say shit to belittle the other dude. If you stand with your crotch in some guy’s face, or you grab his thigh while sitting next to him, or make fun of something he’s wearing…even if he doesn’t kick your ass, he’s probably gonna think you’re weird.

And needless to say, normal dudes aren’t afraid of other dudes. That’s one big problem newbs face, the Fear of the Dude. They avoid mixed sets because of some imaginary fight that might erupt. Or maybe that fear isn’t even well-crystallized, he just refuses to open because some guy is standing there. So a lot of PUAs start off in a mindset of intimidation and fear, or feel threatened before a threat is even posed. Again, can you see how this might be considered weird by others?

Guys are there to help you. Make nice with them. Fear not. If you aren’t sure if he’s involved with the girl you’re after, clarify it with her. Problem solved.

Calibration
This encompasses a coupla ideas. First, there is calibrating your energy level. So if you’re in a chill venue and some PUA is doing his magic monkey routine stack bit, spinning and hooting and high-fiving at level 11, that fucker’s acting weird. Always calibrate your energy to the venue and to the set. Like a normal dude.

Second, it’s about calibrating your level of interest. If you come in direct, and you fail to hook, the girls may keep facing each other without showing you much interest. Continuing to show way more interest than they show back is miscalibrated and ultimately creepy. Using push-pull, particularly with your body language, is a good way to offset this.

Both kinds of calibration take mental focus at first to internalize, but with time this becomes your sixth sense. You automatically adjust your energy level and interest level according to environmental cues. In so doing, you become more normal.

Push-Pull
While on the subject, let’s talk more about this tactic. If you stand there and fluff with chicks, you’ll probably wind up going nowhere. Maybe the friend zone, but that’s about it.

And so we employ the concept of pushing girls away, and pulling them in, both physically and verbally. Because it creates attraction.

Here’s the rub. New guys are afraid to push. Why? Because there’s this smokin hot girl talking to him, and if he pushes her too hard, she’s gonna walk away. And being under the influence of scarcity mindset, that would be equivalent to the walls crashing down. The ego would not be happy, and so the newb handles each girl with kid gloves.

But what about pulling? Showing intent? Naw, the new guy is afraid of that too. The thought of walking up to a girl and being direct, stating intent, escalating sexually…this stuff scares a lot of these guys shitless. And so he tempers his intent, again trying to protect his ego.

As a result, he does pull, but it’s an anxious pull. He does push, but it’s an anxious push. Needless to say, his head explodes. Full-on creeper.

Now. I will say that being creepy is perfectly okay as you’re learning the ropes. You need to get comfy with all these new emotions. Incongruence will happen, miscalibration will be the norm. You will seem weird. And that’s ok. Accept that some of the tactics you employ – like push-pull – will not come off smoothly at first. You will look creepy for now, but with practice, all this gets smoothed out and a normal dude emerges. A guy not afraid to push because he has a new-found abundance mindset, and not afraid to pull because he owns his sexuality and isn’t ashamed of telegraphing it.

Assimilation and Entitlement
Whoa! Hold up fucker! What the hell does that shit mean??

Look, if I am among “my peeps,” whatever that means, I will feel normal. I’m an artsy guy, so by hanging around other artists, I feel more normal. If I hang out with jocks, I feel less normal. Assimilation is a big part of feeling normal.

The problem is this: you should feel comfortable in your own skin, regardless of the company around you. And thus arises the sense of entitlement. Meaning, even though I am in a bar full of frat boys, I still FEEL normal, because I’m fucking entitled to be in that bar as much as the frat boys. I may seem out of place, but I will most definitely not appear weird because I am totally at ease with myself.

When you can’t obtain assimilation, entitlement will keep you looking normal.

Agenda and Intent
Intent is good. Agenda is bad.

When I go out every night, my intent is to meet a lovely lady and get her digits. That’s cool if it happens, but when I’m talking to chicks I’m not trying to force this result. I’m not in my head thinking, “ok, should I get the number NOW?? How about…NOW???”

I’m just vibing and enjoying the moment (or not), and then if I like her I go for the number.

Guys who have agendas look weird. If I see a girl sitting at a bar and I walk up to her confidently, I am a man full of intent. But if I linger, stare at her for a couple minutes, walk past her a few times, bump into her as I go for a napkin, but never actually open, then I’ve revealed: a) I have an agenda to get her to notice me, and b) I’m too chicken shit to talk to her. This is a massive fail.

It’s the same for escalation. If I grab a girl and pull her in for a kiss because she’s said something to turn me on, that’s intent. If I do the classic awkward arm-around-the-shoulder in the movie theater, that’s agenda. One’s manly, the other’s weird.

Have intent, not agenda.

Ok, I could go on, but that’s enough for now.

Crazy Mommy, Invisible Daddy

This phenomenon is rampant in the pick-up community, and probably among the general population of men. I know it applied heavily to my life, and talking to one of my local wings last night, I was reminded that so many dudes suffer from this.

The American family unit has disintegrated. Marriages fail half the time, and in the other half you probably have a large percentage that is dysfunctional. Tons of single moms raising boys on their own. Tons of boys who have no clue how to be men, so take their cues from TV and movies.

This is a set-up for badness when it comes to passing down manhood to one’s son. As a result, we have decades of boys being raised by crazy moms, and by dads who aren’t there.

Invisible Daddy
This is the guy who was supposed to be there telling you to go approach that two-set. The guy correcting your tonality and body language. The guy telling you to hit the gym 5 days a week and start dressing in more stylish clothes because hot girls care about this stuff. Instead, he wasn’t there, and so now here you are in the community trying to get this knowledge. Better late than never.

Where was daddy?

Maybe he bailed out of his relationship with mom. Maybe she booted him out. Maybe he was physically there, but not present emotionally or in spirit. Maybe he meant well but never really stepped up as a Man to show you how it was done, because maybe he himself had no clue. Maybe he was drunk all the time or out chasing skirts.

And so, you had a father who essentially was not there. Cobain summed it up well (as usual) in “Serve the Servants”:

“I tried hard to have a father but instead I had a dad.”

So when you don’t have a real male role model to guide you, you turn to the next option, your mom.

Crazy Mommy
Invisible dad may be around, but he doesn’t wear the pants. That role goes to mom. Mommy is stepping up and trying to raise her son the best she can. When dad fucks up, there’s mom assuming the masculine role putting dad in his submissive place. How’s that for fucked up?

In community jargon, dad tries to assert himself, then mom shit tests him as is her nature, and then dad buckles, and then mom is disappointed and forced to be the dad.

So you learn how to be a man from mom. And women, as we all know by now, are not generally very good at being men. They like to test their men, but at the end of the day, they would prefer relaxing into their femininity and letting the man step up and do his job.

Over time, mommy does what she can to raise us. She gives us information about life and love. The problem is, it’s largely wrong. We don’t realize it at the time, and hence we deeply internalize this advice. We take it to the extreme and cling to it for decades, permitting it to shape our world view.

Like when I was a kid, I always heard “never talk to strangers.” As an adult, I held onto that warning, and never talked to strangers. Nevermind that the advice was meant to prevent kidnapping, and didn’t mean I shouldn’t talk to a girl sitting next to me. I had to force that mindset out of my head, and give myself permission to talk to strangers. Sounds ridiculous, but this is the kind of bullshit advice that has stuck with tons of dudes all their lives, much of it implanted by mom.

Another one I got was “you’re gonna be 8 this year! When are you gonna start acting like it?!” As if a seven-year-old needs that kind of pressure to grow up. What did I know? So I thought, “ok, I guess my childhood is over…better start acting serious.” When I tell her about this, she denies ever having made these comments. Moms often will.

The epiphany for me was that mommy didn’t mean to be crazy. She was doing what she could and had to do, and since daddy wasn’t present to counter her nutty advice, we had no choice but to believe it.

This came from a place of love, not indignation or ill-will.

And so, recognizing what mommy was up against, and trying to do the right thing, as adults we need to forgive her. Like truly deep down appreciate all her stupid advice, and stop blaming her for the way we turned out. Starting right now.

Your Facebook Make-Over

As part of my text game coaching service (puafieldguide.com), I help guys do a make-over of their FB profile. Some of em just need a little tweaking, some need a major over-haul. Here are a few tips for you fuckers…

These are the tools you have to work with:

1. Your friends.
Do you have 10 or do you have 300? Are they all dudes, an equal mix, or mostly hotties? If you don’t have 100-200 friends, you need to go out and start making them. Adding peeps is super-easy, especially chicks in bars. I went and made friends with Zach Galifianakis and post on his updates on occasion. It’s fine to name-drop. I’d stay clear of most PUA gurus or if they have “PUA” in their name.

2. Your wall.
Here is where you can post status updates, and where friends post shit to you. If you comment on friends’ statuses, it’ll show here. If you add a pic or video, or a link to a youtube vid, or a new friend, those things get posted here.
So there should always be a ton of activity. Not peak socializing hours like Friday night, but you know, during Monday afternoon. Browse around your friends’ profiles and start commenting on their pics, updates, etc. Make insightful and fun comments about your day…something you saw on the street, some stuff a chick said to you, whatevs.
Note: BE NICE TO YOUR WINGS! Don’t post anything that would make them look lame. If a wing does that to you, just delete his post and let him know. We’re here to prop each other up.
Don’t be super-serious unless it makes sense (like don’t give a big irritated spiel on what a womanizing scumbag Tiger Woods is, but do say something sympathetic about a recent natural disaster). Mix it up: a few funny posts, a few more serious insights, a quote, a video you found, a political commentary.
Ideally, you want chicks (even if they ain’t hot) posting a lot on your updates. You can help get this by posting your own updates that grab attention about 5-6 times a week, and by posting something nifty on your girls’ profiles. The best example of this I’ve seen is Jordan Harbinger of Art of Charm; greatest damn posts I’ve read. Go make friends with him right now. I’ll wait.
Just a word of caution: I’ve annoyed girls by posting on their wall before getting to know them. If you just met a chick, you can add value to her wall, but be aware that you can easily get unfriended if you cross the line (too weird, too much, too personal, etc).

3. Left column.
Here’s your profile pic, a quote, relationship status, birthday, list of friends, photos, videos, links and notes.
Key is to have a great primary profile pic. You should be CLEARLY visible, having a fun time. I don’t recommend dark sunglasses or anything that obscures your face. Be cautious with group pics. I’ve seen profiles where EVERY pic is a group pic, and I have no idea which of the dudes owns the profile. Your profile pic should be warm and inviting, charismatic, or anything that makes girls feel like getting to know you better. They should not feel afraid when they see a pic of you.
Pick a quote…find a book of quotes, use a movie quote, etc. Keep it fun. Relationship status…single. Birthday…personally I don’t put the year, just the day and month. Intrigue.

4. Info.
Meh, I don’t put that much here. I’m single, interested in women. I got my home town listed. My religion is listed as “food.” A few more things under interests, activities, music. Nothing too detailed. I don’t want to give everything away on my FB page, just get a little intrigue. I’ll fill in the rest in person. Guys who are super busy don’t have the time to post every single song they like or book they’ve read.
You can add groups and pages, but again be careful not to add a bunch of weird or PUA-related things. Like if everything has to do with Neil Strauss and Mystery, you need to drop that crap and go find some more amusing pages and meaningful organizations.

5. Photos.
Peeps will tag you on their own profiles. If the pic is unflattering, untag yourself without hesitation. You passed out drunk on the sidewalk…untag. You peacocked at a PUA summit…untag. Obviously, you know where I stand on having a bunch of PUA shit on your fb page. If they’re cool dudes who don’t look or sound like PUAs, go for it. If everything about them screams of PUA…untag.
Under the main photos section you have albums. These include your profile and wall pics albums. Divide them up into groups that’re easy to understand. I have one folder for my dog and my house. I have one for my homies and girls. I have one for my birfday. And so on.
If you don’t have pics of you with hot girls, what are you waiting for? Loading your fb page with these pics is about the easiest thing you’ll ever do. Get a camera, go to a club, and start taking pics. You by yourself, you with girls, you with wings. Have fun. Pick the best ones. Post em.
Have pics that reflect other things you love to do. Rock-climbing, playing music, whatevs. Let your personality shine here. Don’t keep showing your mean mug. Fucking smile!

6. Other stuff.
Videos of my dog playing piano. My song lyrics and downloads. Top ten albums of all times. Favorite movie quotes. Anything you wanna post, put it up. This is icing.
Just beware of a few things. You DON’T want to scare girls. So if you want to make a political or religious statement, go easy and keep it witty and fun, not mean and angry. No pics of you flipping off Bush. No pics of you looking like a gangsta or terrorist. Girls are very skittish. Don’t give them another reason to ignore you.

Shit I do to get make outs

We were doing the Chodefest thing last night. Me, Troublesome and that Jayku mother fucker. I had just moved a cute girl to the smoking area of 7 Grand to make out.

I left her set for a bit and saw Jayku talking to this blond chick. She was totally into him, so I thought the pull was in the bag, but a few minutes later he came walking back up to us with a sad puss. A half hour later she was hanging onto some other dude in a dark corner. Jayku had not gone for the make out, and so most likely she lost interest.

We bounced to the Standard, and I sat down with him to go over the stuff I do to get make outs. And no, I don’t mean grabbing girls by the face and forcing the kiss, or dealing with sloppy drunk club chicks. I mean, when you’re talking to a sober or slightly buzzed girl, and you get her into the state of wanting to reciprocate the kiss. Be that same night or on a date.

When I started, I had a huge problem with this. Not just from an inner game aspect, but because I also always got her cheek. Dames never wanted to make out. Here are some barriers I’ve dealt with and 10 tips that I’ve used to get around them while in the venue.

1. Inner game. Trigger anxiety is something they don’t talk a lot about, but for me it was as real as approach anxiety. Even if all the signs were Go, I couldn’t nut up and pull the trigger. I knew everything got much less awkward on a date once this waypoint had been reached, and yet I kept stopping myself. On top of this, I was always a germophobe.
Just like the approach, I needed some kind of stack to help. First, I had a verbal reason to pull her in, like “come here, you’re adorable.” Or sniffing her neck while saying her hair smelled good. Any lame excuse to get my face close to her neck or face. Next, I didn’t go right for the kiss, but would kiss her forehead, cheek or neck. Then if she was still standing there, I’d pull the trigger. Rinse and repeat until that fear goes away, and you can just pull her in for the kiss without the other shenanigans.

2. Downshifting your energy. It’s helpful if she’s attracted to you before going for the kiss, but attraction was never a problem of mine. If my personality wasn’t winning a girl over, then my routines would always do it. But that wasn’t serving me well when I tried to get a kiss.
Instead, it’s important once you have attraction to lower your pitch, speed and volume. We call this bedroom voice. It should be rather seductive, often talking into each other’s ears, even if the venue isn’t that loud. You likewise would remain very still and centered with your body language. You can do some high energy shit with your hands to hook a set, but before the kiss, you need to look more like a tree.

3. Sensual touching. Ok, so there are many ways to touch a person. If she’s sickly, you can provide a comforting touch. If you’re trying to spike her buying temp, you can high five. If you’re trying to fuck her, your touch would be sexual (fingering, heavy kissing, etc).
But right before the first kiss, your touch should be sensual. That includes stroking her forearm, holding her hand, gliding your fingers through her hair, gently massaging her neck while you talk into her ear. I often use a palmistry routine, which is pretty lame, but it introduces some sensual touch while cold reading, spiking BT and getting sexual. Besides that, when I was talking to the chick last night, I had my hand on her knee and thigh (she was sitting on a barstool and I was standing next to her). Sensual touching warms girls up, and you should start doing it as soon as you’ve truly hooked (she’s facing you, making flirty eye contact, smiling, moving in to talk to you).

4. Make intent clear. Verbally throw out comments that let her know you like her. Even if they’re playful, like my elbow bit. Last night I said stuff like, “You can’t fly back home tomorrow…we haven’t fallen in love yet!” (credit Rob Judge) and “Oh good, you’re single? Let’s get outta here!” These things caused her to laugh because they were absurdly direct, and it’s ok to laugh when needed to break the tension, but don’t laugh nervously or saying “just kidding” as a way to relieve your own anxiety. Let the tension sit, see how she reacts, then break it with her so she isn’t uncomfortable.
If you find yourself doing a lot of chodespeak (interview questions, lame stuff about politics or sports), then take a step back. You can say “wtf? How’d we get onto religion?? This is a bar!” Last night she started giving me some long spiel about what she does, and I cut her off with a “whatever” and stacked into some other more exciting topic (it sounds rude, but it works). Likewise, if you find you haven’t made your intent clear, it’s ok to randomly stop the convo and drop it in. Like if she’s going on about her work, tell her how sexy it is (this is especially effective if it’s a non-sexy job like math teacher). Role play and cold read about the naughty aspects of her job.
There’s no real need to go overtly sexual. Meaning, you CAN ask her about giving head and stuff, but that won’t necessarily make her more willing to kiss you, and can backfire. So just get your intent on the table, playfully and/or seductively, and move on.

5. Kiss another place. I usually tell girls I like their elbows, and often I’ll kiss em there. Girls pretty much have never had a dude in a bar kiss their elbow, so this catches them off guard and spikes BT. If not that, you can kiss her neck, hand, cheek, forehead or shoulder. Or if she shows you her tattoo, you can give it a kiss. If she’s ok with that, it is a stepping stone to the real deal.

6. Isolation. I always mini-isolate, but anytime I want to go for a makeout, I want the girl and I to be in true isolation away from her friends. Preferably in some dark corner. This isn’t always necessary of course (lots of girls like making out in front of their friends, just like us dudes), but if you sense she’s willing to kiss but worried what her friends might say, then go for isolation.
I have a secret clubhouse at 7 Grand. It’s the far end of the smoking area where nobody hangs out. I oversell it, grab her hand, and lead her there into isolation. But you can improvise in any venue. Say it’s too dark to read her palm, or too loud to talk, or you want to sit because your feet hurt, or you want to go to the bar. Whatever, just have some excuse, spike her BT, and then lead her there with authority.

7. Routines. I think routines are uberlame. Anytime you logically engage a girl’s mind to tell her you’re about escalate, it’s a lose. You want to disengage her logical mind and spike her emotions, then escalate. So Mystery’s gambit isn’t something I would use, for that reason and because it feels beta to ask chicks if they want me to kiss them. Style’s phase shift thingy is overly complicated, but does incorporate some of the above like kissing other areas and sensual touch. If you need a routine to get you past your trigger anxiety, try it out, but in the long run I don’t find it’s anything more than another crutch.

8. Watch for the window. There are times when a girl wants you to kiss her and times when she’s not feeling it. Pull the trigger when that window is open. Sometimes once it closes and you haven’t made your move, it’ll never open again.

9. Rough play. I have a wall in my little 7 Grand clubhouse that I tell girls is my “favorite wall.” I say “I love this wall!” Then I slam her against it and kiss her. Any kind of dominant behavior if done right will spike her emotions and make her more willing to kiss. It’s always fun to manhandle broads, and once attracted they usually like it (even as they’re voicing objection to it).

10. Good oral hygiene. Naturally, if girls are gonna wanna kiss you, it helps if you don’t smell like a sewer. I had bad breath for ages, but I investigated treatments and overcame it (as far as I can tell). Here’s my formula:
a) Brush before you go out, with a powered toothbrush. This includes your tongue and roof of mouth. Wash all the residue out thoroughly, maybe five times.
b) Use Listerine twice a day. Use enough to get it back to all the regions of your mouth, and even swallow a little to hit the back of you tongue.
c) Scrape your tongue in the mornings.
d) Don’t eat smelly food before going out.
e) Floss at night before bed.
f) Keep minty gum on you and chew a lot of it in the venue.
g) I had acid reflux. So does my dog. We’re both on Prilosec, and now our breaths are much better. If this is something that might be a problem, go see your doctor or try over-the-counter Prilosec for a week or two.

And that should do it. Happy snargings, fuckers.

Romance, Part Three

I’m gonna wrap up this series of posts now, but I’m sure as my research continues, more will be uncovered. This should get you on track for the time being.

Pampering
Obviously, most people like it when you do shit for them. I like my feet rubbed after a long day. But me asking to be pampered isn’t a romantic gesture on my part. Me offering to pamper a woman is.

It needs to be clear that you enjoy taking care of her, that attending to her desires means a lot to you. Going along with it grudgingly is unromantic.

Dedicate yourself to things that make her feel good, and personalize this. Offer foot rubs, make dinner, all that stuff. Whatever it is she appreciates. Don’t do it with any expected reciprocation in mind. Do it simply because you like making her feel good. And as usual, keep in mind the element of surprise, which will amplify the romance of these moments.

Compromise and sacrifice
Girls appreciate when you sacrifice your time and energy for them. Don’t do it all the time, but when the mood strikes you and when it doesn’t impinge on your mission or beliefs. Seeing some awful chick flick that she’s dying to watch - that is a romantic gesture.

Be there for her, do nice things for her, but don’t overdo it. Don’t be a guy who will drop everything at a moment’s notice, or inconvenience himself tremendously, for her every whim. Once in a while this can be romantic, but if done too often you’ll look weak.

Have a life and a mission. If what she desires compromises your mission, sometimes you must say no. Do this from a place of love. That’s where displaying your power as a man will come in. Being powerful means holding your ground, sticking to what you believe in, while still projecting love for her. Be cautious not to turn down her request from a place of anger.

On the flip side, when you do make sacrifice, say yes to her without resentment. Surrender yourself to the sacrifice once you decide to make it, and don’t hold any dissatisfaction towards her. That will kill the romance of your sacrifice.

Chivalry
A subset of sacrifice is chivalry, being of service to women. Chivalry may sound old-fashioned or antiquated, but girls find it super attractive.

What does it mean to be chivalrous? Strictly speaking, the word comes from chevalier, French for one who rides a horse. This implies a knight, who is thought of as chivalrous.

Chivalry is a component of courtly love, which includes being appreciative of women, providing rescue and defense. In fact, knights were attentive even when there was nobody around to recognize it, since an end goal of these behaviors was spiritual salvation.

The qualities idealized by knighthood include bravery, courtesy, honor and gallantry toward women. According to a modern chivalry movement, Chivalry-Now, chivalry encompasses many higher ideals: honesty, loyalty, courtesy, justice and commitment. As stated on their website:

The virtues of chivalry offer more than pleasantries and politeness. They give purpose and meaning to male strength, and therefore support the overall workings of society.

Some examples of being at a woman’s service:
Getting up on the bus and offering your seat to her
Holding a door open for her
Pulling her seat out at the dinner table
Rescuing her, such as when you show up at her work and kidnap her for the day

The Awwww factor
Things that make a girl go, “awwww.” Leaving rose petals on her pillow, teddy bears, fluffy puppy dogs. Many of the things that make men vomit.

Items that provoke awwww are not practical. Microwaves and blenders are unromantic. Men gravitate towards things that fit a function, and so may have a hard time understanding the value of anything impractical.

Many times simple gestures provoke an awwww response, particularly when it involves sacrifice; don’t forget, with romance less is often more.

One night chicky came over and I gave to her a dozen roses. Now normally, this clichéd gift is predictable and not all that romantic, and so I don’t recommend it. The thing is, prior to this moment, we had discussed me being unromantic. I told her I didn’t know how to be romantic, and that I was gonna get her a dozen roses as an attempt. So when I stood there with the roses, genuinely trying my best to be romantic without having much of a clue how to be, that sweet gesture provoked an awwww.

Affection without expectation
Of course, affection at the right moments is romantic. What makes this even more meaningful is to be affectionate with no expectation of the reward of sex. You may find it can be more romantic in some cases to say no to sex even though it’s available. This would demonstrate that you are setting aside your own sexual gratification so as to create a romantic moment for her.

When a woman feels you’re being affectionate for the sake of how that makes her feel, she appreciates it. When it becomes clear you’re being affectionate just to get her in the mood for sex, that is unromantic.

Kissing is a key ingredient to affection. There are few things women despise more than a lousy, unromantic kisser. She should feel like you are kissing not just for yourself, but for her as well. This means being present with her and reading her feelings, building from slow and light kissing to deep, passionate kissing. In addition to kissing, caress her face and hair, make eye contact at times, take breaks such as to comment on how hot she looks. Reserve the tongue until she’s ready.

But again, realize that often women are perfectly ok making out without having sex, and from a romantic stand-point, you get more points reading her mood correctly and going for sex only when and if she’s ready. Going through the moves of foreplay just to get your dick wet might work, but it rates low on the romance scale.

Under this heading I would put push-pull, withholding and anticipation. The thing women expect of a man is he will usually make a linear attack to get into her panties. When he gives her a little affection and then withholds it, making her wait in anticipation for more, the tension he creates can be romantic.

No pride
As Billy Joel once wrote in “Shameless”:

Well I'm shameless when it comes to loving you
I'd do anything you want me to
I'd do anything at all

And I'm standing here for all the world to see
There ain't that much left of me
That has very far to fall

You know I'm not a man who has ever been
Insecure about the world I've been living in
I don't break easy, I have my pride
But if you need to be satisfied

I'm shameless, baby I don't have a prayer
Anytime I see you standing there
I go down upon my knees

When love moves you to set aside your pride, women find this romantic. I’m thinking again about Cusack holding his stereo over his head in Say Anything… As retarded as he appeared, he didn’t care; he was a man on a mission. There are countless other film examples. Here again, like obsession, being shameless can easily backfire.

Just because
Do things for her “just because.” You appreciate her; that’s the reason why you’re doing it. Let her know you’re glad she’s present in your life, and that is enough of a motivator for you.

Romance, Part Two

In Part One, I uncovered some of the things that go into being romantic. These include utilizing romantic settings, being attentive to details and using emotionally charged words.

Continuing on my quest for enlightenment, I have found yet more ingredients.

Pragmatic Idealism
It’s easy as a man to read a girl’s description of what romance means, and then brush it off as sickening. But take a moment and look at the concepts behind the words and try to determine why these images and traits trigger a sense of romance.

I found this description of romance written by Christine Coppa online. Try not to puke:

What is romance?

Romance is a fancy steak dinner for two in a room lit purely by candles. It's flowers on a random day and falling asleep in your lover's T-shirt that smells like his cologne. It's a date to a famous children's bookstore and a shared slice of cherry pie—a stroll through a crowded museum that doesn't feel crowded at all. It's making toast for someone in the morning and drawing a heart in the butter, then watching it soak into the bread like it was never there at all, but you know it was. It's handing him a towel for the shower and sopping up the water on the floor, not nagging him about it. It's kissing in the rain, in the snow, in the sunshine, on a street corner after you just met. It's wine and mouths that taste like wine. It's being mistaken as a couple when you're not. A plane ticket to nowhere special, just somewhere together. Romance On A Budget.

It's waking up next to someone and smelling their skin and liking that smell—now familiar—even if it's only been a few days. It's a warm body pressed against yours that fits like a puzzle piece. It's talking about nothing for an hour and feeling like you've solved a murder mystery together. It's a toothbrush in a cup next to yours. It's his tie flung over your desk chair. It's holding on to him on the subway when the car jerks. It's knowing he is always there for these simple moments. He will not let you fall. You really believe this.

As a man, I’m sure more than a couple lines in this made you cringe. The flip side of this idealism is perseverance through the hard times. In short, being realistic. Coppa redeems herself when she concludes:

But romance is also dealing with situations as they come along. It's not walking away. It's not breaking up over the phone: Just throw my stuff out; I'm not coming to get it. Romance is a second chance: Meet me for dinner. C'mon, let's talk this out.
It's a hand in yours; it's a shoulder for your heavy head. It's showing up when you say you will, not shutting your phone off, changing your number, your address. It's tender understanding, fragile but strong. It's honest. It's patient and sweet and it's picking the other person up when they can't stay above water because they're scared, so scared they're breathless. Romance is giving of yourself, working through whatever comes up.

Men tend to be practical, so this aspect of romance is something they can wrap their heads around. You as the man are expected to bring stability, solutions and reassurance. Being able to project to a woman that you can balance both this pragmatic realism as well as the sappy mushy idealism…that’s where the art lies.

Bonnie and Clyde: Us against the world
You and she form a union, and no matter what the world may throw at you, that bond is unbreakable. Along these lines is the concept of conspiracy: scheming up a plan where you two are doing some playful misbehavior as a pair. This may come in the form of future projection (telling her how you two will rob a bank and then flee the country and live in the Bahamas drinking umbrella drinks).

People-watching and then laughing at the expense of those around you works through this technique. I was sitting in a restaurant with chicky and there was a little girl eating dinner with her family. I told my girl, “That’s the ugliest boy I’ve seen. I can’t even eat my dinner anymore. DAMN he’s ugly.” We snickered about this for an hour. Our little inside joke, solidifying our bond.

The Bubble
Similar to Bonnie and Clyde is the bubble. It is the sense that when you are with her, everything else in the world melts away. There is nothing more important than you and her in that moment. One way to build this feeling is to whisper into her ear randomly, such as a compliment. Eye contact is also powerful in creating this connection.

The Element of Surprise
This one is huge. I hear it anytime I ask women about romance, and I see it in every description.

Give her gifts unexpectedly. But do it infrequently. If done too often or predictably, you will lose the element of surprise or she'll become bored. Gifts don’t need to be expensive, just thoughtful. Likewise, random texts showing you’re thinking about her will work.

Drop by her work to take her to lunch unexpectedly, or for any other purpose, but not just to say hi. She wants you to have a life. If you’re stopping by just because you’re bored, that’s unromantic.

One of the most effective ways to be romantic is to leave a hidden note for her somewhere to find when you’re not around. The note doesn’t need to be more than a sentence, such as telling her your feelings for her or your appreciation that she’s in your life. Women have been known to burst into tears when discovering this note.
Pulling a girl in for a kiss when she doesn’t expect it, or sneaking up behind her to grab her butt, are ways to make affection surprising. We’ll get to affection later.

Connect emotionally
A prevailing wisdom is that men should appear unemotional. But emotions can lead to romance when they are appropriate. She doesn’t want you to fly off the handle like a little girl, but she doesn’t want you to be a cold robot.

Connect deeply. It shows you trust your own emotions, and more importantly trust her to feel them with you. This includes the emotions involved in strong sexual chemistry. You can be sexual and still romantic.

Security
She knows you will be there to take care of her, to hold her and protect her. Even if you can’t be there, she needs to have the feeling that this is your desire and intent.
She expects you to be emotionally strong, to balance her sometimes erratic mood swings, and to be a grounding force. When you’re a man, she can fully express herself as a woman.