Being Normal

Sometimes when I’m out with fellas who are acting all fucking weird, I find myself telling them, “dude, be normal!” It got me thinking, how does one transform from weird to normal?

Why be normal?
When any artist starts learning their skill, they must first internalize the fundamentals. Before he or she can venture out into his or her own unique style, that artist should become competent at or master the style of well-established others. For a guy who isn’t good with people, learning the fundamentals – AKA learning how to be normal and fit into society – should precede him developing his own style of behavior.

Girls want to know you CAN be normal. Not to say you should be ordinary or boring, but if the situation calls for it, you can act like a normal man. When you demonstrate this, she feels comfortable and secure.

Nervousness
A big reason why guys act weird is their anxiety. Put em in a familiar situation like a library, and they’re just fine. But pile expectations on their shoulders like having to talk to people, and they crack.

Nervousness is manifested through all kinds of behaviors: talking too fast, stuttering, looking around too much, moving too fast, playing with his cell phone or jewelry, smiling too much, etc etc etc. Not uncommonly, a guy will demonstrate a whole bunch of these behaviors all at once.

Normal people – unless they’re on coke or something – don’t act this over-stimulated when they’re in the usual social situations. Walk into any bar and look at the guys playing pool, or a pack of college kids drinking, and almost always they’re just chilling and having fun. But put these same guys into stressful situations – maybe a final exam at college or a job interview – and now their nervous behaviors emerge.

So it’s ok to become nervous when you need that adrenaline to boost your ability to handle the stress, but it’s not ok to become nervous when all that’s expected of you is to relax and have fun. Do you see why looking nervous in a social gathering may seem weird to others? Ok, well, you need to work on extinguishing these behaviors. And in large part this will mean finding ways to get out of your head, and into your body. Out of the past and future, and into the present. This is some Eckhart Tolle shit. Read it.

Getting out there into the field – even if it just means sitting by yourself in a bar – will be a main way to get these habits under control. You don’t necessarily have to open sets, but you should at very least feel comfortable in your own skin sitting in a bar by yourself, not worrying how others may judge you. So a night out of your house is NEVER a wasted night, even if you’re just sitting there by yourself feeling uncomfortable. With time, that feeling will get better.

Next, focus on body language signals that indicate your anxiety. There are a few good books on the subject. Read them and then always be cognizant of your own nervous behaviors. If you can’t recognize them, have a wing call you out until these habits are broken. It takes a lot of practice for some, and it means being in your head, but in the end it’s worth it.

Dealing with dudes
We get really good at talking to girls, but still many of us suck at interacting with guys. I for one always had more female than male friends, so learning how to interact with other men took work. Plus, I CAN’T STAND talking about sports, cars, or most of the usual “guy” things.

First off, you gotta learn that normal dudes respect other dudes. They don’t touch them in weird ways, they give them plenty of space, they talk in a linear fashion, they make solid eye contact, they shake hands firmly, they project their voice with confidence, and they don’t say shit to belittle the other dude. If you stand with your crotch in some guy’s face, or you grab his thigh while sitting next to him, or make fun of something he’s wearing…even if he doesn’t kick your ass, he’s probably gonna think you’re weird.

And needless to say, normal dudes aren’t afraid of other dudes. That’s one big problem newbs face, the Fear of the Dude. They avoid mixed sets because of some imaginary fight that might erupt. Or maybe that fear isn’t even well-crystallized, he just refuses to open because some guy is standing there. So a lot of PUAs start off in a mindset of intimidation and fear, or feel threatened before a threat is even posed. Again, can you see how this might be considered weird by others?

Guys are there to help you. Make nice with them. Fear not. If you aren’t sure if he’s involved with the girl you’re after, clarify it with her. Problem solved.

Calibration
This encompasses a coupla ideas. First, there is calibrating your energy level. So if you’re in a chill venue and some PUA is doing his magic monkey routine stack bit, spinning and hooting and high-fiving at level 11, that fucker’s acting weird. Always calibrate your energy to the venue and to the set. Like a normal dude.

Second, it’s about calibrating your level of interest. If you come in direct, and you fail to hook, the girls may keep facing each other without showing you much interest. Continuing to show way more interest than they show back is miscalibrated and ultimately creepy. Using push-pull, particularly with your body language, is a good way to offset this.

Both kinds of calibration take mental focus at first to internalize, but with time this becomes your sixth sense. You automatically adjust your energy level and interest level according to environmental cues. In so doing, you become more normal.

Push-Pull
While on the subject, let’s talk more about this tactic. If you stand there and fluff with chicks, you’ll probably wind up going nowhere. Maybe the friend zone, but that’s about it.

And so we employ the concept of pushing girls away, and pulling them in, both physically and verbally. Because it creates attraction.

Here’s the rub. New guys are afraid to push. Why? Because there’s this smokin hot girl talking to him, and if he pushes her too hard, she’s gonna walk away. And being under the influence of scarcity mindset, that would be equivalent to the walls crashing down. The ego would not be happy, and so the newb handles each girl with kid gloves.

But what about pulling? Showing intent? Naw, the new guy is afraid of that too. The thought of walking up to a girl and being direct, stating intent, escalating sexually…this stuff scares a lot of these guys shitless. And so he tempers his intent, again trying to protect his ego.

As a result, he does pull, but it’s an anxious pull. He does push, but it’s an anxious push. Needless to say, his head explodes. Full-on creeper.

Now. I will say that being creepy is perfectly okay as you’re learning the ropes. You need to get comfy with all these new emotions. Incongruence will happen, miscalibration will be the norm. You will seem weird. And that’s ok. Accept that some of the tactics you employ – like push-pull – will not come off smoothly at first. You will look creepy for now, but with practice, all this gets smoothed out and a normal dude emerges. A guy not afraid to push because he has a new-found abundance mindset, and not afraid to pull because he owns his sexuality and isn’t ashamed of telegraphing it.

Assimilation and Entitlement
Whoa! Hold up fucker! What the hell does that shit mean??

Look, if I am among “my peeps,” whatever that means, I will feel normal. I’m an artsy guy, so by hanging around other artists, I feel more normal. If I hang out with jocks, I feel less normal. Assimilation is a big part of feeling normal.

The problem is this: you should feel comfortable in your own skin, regardless of the company around you. And thus arises the sense of entitlement. Meaning, even though I am in a bar full of frat boys, I still FEEL normal, because I’m fucking entitled to be in that bar as much as the frat boys. I may seem out of place, but I will most definitely not appear weird because I am totally at ease with myself.

When you can’t obtain assimilation, entitlement will keep you looking normal.

Agenda and Intent
Intent is good. Agenda is bad.

When I go out every night, my intent is to meet a lovely lady and get her digits. That’s cool if it happens, but when I’m talking to chicks I’m not trying to force this result. I’m not in my head thinking, “ok, should I get the number NOW?? How about…NOW???”

I’m just vibing and enjoying the moment (or not), and then if I like her I go for the number.

Guys who have agendas look weird. If I see a girl sitting at a bar and I walk up to her confidently, I am a man full of intent. But if I linger, stare at her for a couple minutes, walk past her a few times, bump into her as I go for a napkin, but never actually open, then I’ve revealed: a) I have an agenda to get her to notice me, and b) I’m too chicken shit to talk to her. This is a massive fail.

It’s the same for escalation. If I grab a girl and pull her in for a kiss because she’s said something to turn me on, that’s intent. If I do the classic awkward arm-around-the-shoulder in the movie theater, that’s agenda. One’s manly, the other’s weird.

Have intent, not agenda.

Ok, I could go on, but that’s enough for now.