I’m gonna wrap up this series of posts now, but I’m sure as my research continues, more will be uncovered. This should get you on track for the time being.
Pampering
Obviously, most people like it when you do shit for them. I like my feet rubbed after a long day. But me asking to be pampered isn’t a romantic gesture on my part. Me offering to pamper a woman is.
It needs to be clear that you enjoy taking care of her, that attending to her desires means a lot to you. Going along with it grudgingly is unromantic.
Dedicate yourself to things that make her feel good, and personalize this. Offer foot rubs, make dinner, all that stuff. Whatever it is she appreciates. Don’t do it with any expected reciprocation in mind. Do it simply because you like making her feel good. And as usual, keep in mind the element of surprise, which will amplify the romance of these moments.
Compromise and sacrifice
Girls appreciate when you sacrifice your time and energy for them. Don’t do it all the time, but when the mood strikes you and when it doesn’t impinge on your mission or beliefs. Seeing some awful chick flick that she’s dying to watch - that is a romantic gesture.
Be there for her, do nice things for her, but don’t overdo it. Don’t be a guy who will drop everything at a moment’s notice, or inconvenience himself tremendously, for her every whim. Once in a while this can be romantic, but if done too often you’ll look weak.
Have a life and a mission. If what she desires compromises your mission, sometimes you must say no. Do this from a place of love. That’s where displaying your power as a man will come in. Being powerful means holding your ground, sticking to what you believe in, while still projecting love for her. Be cautious not to turn down her request from a place of anger.
On the flip side, when you do make sacrifice, say yes to her without resentment. Surrender yourself to the sacrifice once you decide to make it, and don’t hold any dissatisfaction towards her. That will kill the romance of your sacrifice.
Chivalry
A subset of sacrifice is chivalry, being of service to women. Chivalry may sound old-fashioned or antiquated, but girls find it super attractive.
What does it mean to be chivalrous? Strictly speaking, the word comes from chevalier, French for one who rides a horse. This implies a knight, who is thought of as chivalrous.
Chivalry is a component of courtly love, which includes being appreciative of women, providing rescue and defense. In fact, knights were attentive even when there was nobody around to recognize it, since an end goal of these behaviors was spiritual salvation.
The qualities idealized by knighthood include bravery, courtesy, honor and gallantry toward women. According to a modern chivalry movement, Chivalry-Now, chivalry encompasses many higher ideals: honesty, loyalty, courtesy, justice and commitment. As stated on their website:
The virtues of chivalry offer more than pleasantries and politeness. They give purpose and meaning to male strength, and therefore support the overall workings of society.
Some examples of being at a woman’s service:
Getting up on the bus and offering your seat to her
Holding a door open for her
Pulling her seat out at the dinner table
Rescuing her, such as when you show up at her work and kidnap her for the day
The Awwww factor
Things that make a girl go, “awwww.” Leaving rose petals on her pillow, teddy bears, fluffy puppy dogs. Many of the things that make men vomit.
Items that provoke awwww are not practical. Microwaves and blenders are unromantic. Men gravitate towards things that fit a function, and so may have a hard time understanding the value of anything impractical.
Many times simple gestures provoke an awwww response, particularly when it involves sacrifice; don’t forget, with romance less is often more.
One night chicky came over and I gave to her a dozen roses. Now normally, this clichéd gift is predictable and not all that romantic, and so I don’t recommend it. The thing is, prior to this moment, we had discussed me being unromantic. I told her I didn’t know how to be romantic, and that I was gonna get her a dozen roses as an attempt. So when I stood there with the roses, genuinely trying my best to be romantic without having much of a clue how to be, that sweet gesture provoked an awwww.
Affection without expectation
Of course, affection at the right moments is romantic. What makes this even more meaningful is to be affectionate with no expectation of the reward of sex. You may find it can be more romantic in some cases to say no to sex even though it’s available. This would demonstrate that you are setting aside your own sexual gratification so as to create a romantic moment for her.
When a woman feels you’re being affectionate for the sake of how that makes her feel, she appreciates it. When it becomes clear you’re being affectionate just to get her in the mood for sex, that is unromantic.
Kissing is a key ingredient to affection. There are few things women despise more than a lousy, unromantic kisser. She should feel like you are kissing not just for yourself, but for her as well. This means being present with her and reading her feelings, building from slow and light kissing to deep, passionate kissing. In addition to kissing, caress her face and hair, make eye contact at times, take breaks such as to comment on how hot she looks. Reserve the tongue until she’s ready.
But again, realize that often women are perfectly ok making out without having sex, and from a romantic stand-point, you get more points reading her mood correctly and going for sex only when and if she’s ready. Going through the moves of foreplay just to get your dick wet might work, but it rates low on the romance scale.
Under this heading I would put push-pull, withholding and anticipation. The thing women expect of a man is he will usually make a linear attack to get into her panties. When he gives her a little affection and then withholds it, making her wait in anticipation for more, the tension he creates can be romantic.
No pride
As Billy Joel once wrote in “Shameless”:
Well I'm shameless when it comes to loving you
I'd do anything you want me to
I'd do anything at all
And I'm standing here for all the world to see
There ain't that much left of me
That has very far to fall
You know I'm not a man who has ever been
Insecure about the world I've been living in
I don't break easy, I have my pride
But if you need to be satisfied
I'm shameless, baby I don't have a prayer
Anytime I see you standing there
I go down upon my knees
When love moves you to set aside your pride, women find this romantic. I’m thinking again about Cusack holding his stereo over his head in Say Anything… As retarded as he appeared, he didn’t care; he was a man on a mission. There are countless other film examples. Here again, like obsession, being shameless can easily backfire.
Just because
Do things for her “just because.” You appreciate her; that’s the reason why you’re doing it. Let her know you’re glad she’s present in your life, and that is enough of a motivator for you.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Romance, Part Two
In Part One, I uncovered some of the things that go into being romantic. These include utilizing romantic settings, being attentive to details and using emotionally charged words.
Continuing on my quest for enlightenment, I have found yet more ingredients.
Pragmatic Idealism
It’s easy as a man to read a girl’s description of what romance means, and then brush it off as sickening. But take a moment and look at the concepts behind the words and try to determine why these images and traits trigger a sense of romance.
I found this description of romance written by Christine Coppa online. Try not to puke:
What is romance?
Romance is a fancy steak dinner for two in a room lit purely by candles. It's flowers on a random day and falling asleep in your lover's T-shirt that smells like his cologne. It's a date to a famous children's bookstore and a shared slice of cherry pie—a stroll through a crowded museum that doesn't feel crowded at all. It's making toast for someone in the morning and drawing a heart in the butter, then watching it soak into the bread like it was never there at all, but you know it was. It's handing him a towel for the shower and sopping up the water on the floor, not nagging him about it. It's kissing in the rain, in the snow, in the sunshine, on a street corner after you just met. It's wine and mouths that taste like wine. It's being mistaken as a couple when you're not. A plane ticket to nowhere special, just somewhere together. Romance On A Budget.
It's waking up next to someone and smelling their skin and liking that smell—now familiar—even if it's only been a few days. It's a warm body pressed against yours that fits like a puzzle piece. It's talking about nothing for an hour and feeling like you've solved a murder mystery together. It's a toothbrush in a cup next to yours. It's his tie flung over your desk chair. It's holding on to him on the subway when the car jerks. It's knowing he is always there for these simple moments. He will not let you fall. You really believe this.
As a man, I’m sure more than a couple lines in this made you cringe. The flip side of this idealism is perseverance through the hard times. In short, being realistic. Coppa redeems herself when she concludes:
But romance is also dealing with situations as they come along. It's not walking away. It's not breaking up over the phone: Just throw my stuff out; I'm not coming to get it. Romance is a second chance: Meet me for dinner. C'mon, let's talk this out.
It's a hand in yours; it's a shoulder for your heavy head. It's showing up when you say you will, not shutting your phone off, changing your number, your address. It's tender understanding, fragile but strong. It's honest. It's patient and sweet and it's picking the other person up when they can't stay above water because they're scared, so scared they're breathless. Romance is giving of yourself, working through whatever comes up.
Men tend to be practical, so this aspect of romance is something they can wrap their heads around. You as the man are expected to bring stability, solutions and reassurance. Being able to project to a woman that you can balance both this pragmatic realism as well as the sappy mushy idealism…that’s where the art lies.
Bonnie and Clyde: Us against the world
You and she form a union, and no matter what the world may throw at you, that bond is unbreakable. Along these lines is the concept of conspiracy: scheming up a plan where you two are doing some playful misbehavior as a pair. This may come in the form of future projection (telling her how you two will rob a bank and then flee the country and live in the Bahamas drinking umbrella drinks).
People-watching and then laughing at the expense of those around you works through this technique. I was sitting in a restaurant with chicky and there was a little girl eating dinner with her family. I told my girl, “That’s the ugliest boy I’ve seen. I can’t even eat my dinner anymore. DAMN he’s ugly.” We snickered about this for an hour. Our little inside joke, solidifying our bond.
The Bubble
Similar to Bonnie and Clyde is the bubble. It is the sense that when you are with her, everything else in the world melts away. There is nothing more important than you and her in that moment. One way to build this feeling is to whisper into her ear randomly, such as a compliment. Eye contact is also powerful in creating this connection.
The Element of Surprise
This one is huge. I hear it anytime I ask women about romance, and I see it in every description.
Give her gifts unexpectedly. But do it infrequently. If done too often or predictably, you will lose the element of surprise or she'll become bored. Gifts don’t need to be expensive, just thoughtful. Likewise, random texts showing you’re thinking about her will work.
Drop by her work to take her to lunch unexpectedly, or for any other purpose, but not just to say hi. She wants you to have a life. If you’re stopping by just because you’re bored, that’s unromantic.
One of the most effective ways to be romantic is to leave a hidden note for her somewhere to find when you’re not around. The note doesn’t need to be more than a sentence, such as telling her your feelings for her or your appreciation that she’s in your life. Women have been known to burst into tears when discovering this note.
Pulling a girl in for a kiss when she doesn’t expect it, or sneaking up behind her to grab her butt, are ways to make affection surprising. We’ll get to affection later.
Connect emotionally
A prevailing wisdom is that men should appear unemotional. But emotions can lead to romance when they are appropriate. She doesn’t want you to fly off the handle like a little girl, but she doesn’t want you to be a cold robot.
Connect deeply. It shows you trust your own emotions, and more importantly trust her to feel them with you. This includes the emotions involved in strong sexual chemistry. You can be sexual and still romantic.
Security
She knows you will be there to take care of her, to hold her and protect her. Even if you can’t be there, she needs to have the feeling that this is your desire and intent.
She expects you to be emotionally strong, to balance her sometimes erratic mood swings, and to be a grounding force. When you’re a man, she can fully express herself as a woman.
Continuing on my quest for enlightenment, I have found yet more ingredients.
Pragmatic Idealism
It’s easy as a man to read a girl’s description of what romance means, and then brush it off as sickening. But take a moment and look at the concepts behind the words and try to determine why these images and traits trigger a sense of romance.
I found this description of romance written by Christine Coppa online. Try not to puke:
What is romance?
Romance is a fancy steak dinner for two in a room lit purely by candles. It's flowers on a random day and falling asleep in your lover's T-shirt that smells like his cologne. It's a date to a famous children's bookstore and a shared slice of cherry pie—a stroll through a crowded museum that doesn't feel crowded at all. It's making toast for someone in the morning and drawing a heart in the butter, then watching it soak into the bread like it was never there at all, but you know it was. It's handing him a towel for the shower and sopping up the water on the floor, not nagging him about it. It's kissing in the rain, in the snow, in the sunshine, on a street corner after you just met. It's wine and mouths that taste like wine. It's being mistaken as a couple when you're not. A plane ticket to nowhere special, just somewhere together. Romance On A Budget.
It's waking up next to someone and smelling their skin and liking that smell—now familiar—even if it's only been a few days. It's a warm body pressed against yours that fits like a puzzle piece. It's talking about nothing for an hour and feeling like you've solved a murder mystery together. It's a toothbrush in a cup next to yours. It's his tie flung over your desk chair. It's holding on to him on the subway when the car jerks. It's knowing he is always there for these simple moments. He will not let you fall. You really believe this.
As a man, I’m sure more than a couple lines in this made you cringe. The flip side of this idealism is perseverance through the hard times. In short, being realistic. Coppa redeems herself when she concludes:
But romance is also dealing with situations as they come along. It's not walking away. It's not breaking up over the phone: Just throw my stuff out; I'm not coming to get it. Romance is a second chance: Meet me for dinner. C'mon, let's talk this out.
It's a hand in yours; it's a shoulder for your heavy head. It's showing up when you say you will, not shutting your phone off, changing your number, your address. It's tender understanding, fragile but strong. It's honest. It's patient and sweet and it's picking the other person up when they can't stay above water because they're scared, so scared they're breathless. Romance is giving of yourself, working through whatever comes up.
Men tend to be practical, so this aspect of romance is something they can wrap their heads around. You as the man are expected to bring stability, solutions and reassurance. Being able to project to a woman that you can balance both this pragmatic realism as well as the sappy mushy idealism…that’s where the art lies.
Bonnie and Clyde: Us against the world
You and she form a union, and no matter what the world may throw at you, that bond is unbreakable. Along these lines is the concept of conspiracy: scheming up a plan where you two are doing some playful misbehavior as a pair. This may come in the form of future projection (telling her how you two will rob a bank and then flee the country and live in the Bahamas drinking umbrella drinks).
People-watching and then laughing at the expense of those around you works through this technique. I was sitting in a restaurant with chicky and there was a little girl eating dinner with her family. I told my girl, “That’s the ugliest boy I’ve seen. I can’t even eat my dinner anymore. DAMN he’s ugly.” We snickered about this for an hour. Our little inside joke, solidifying our bond.
The Bubble
Similar to Bonnie and Clyde is the bubble. It is the sense that when you are with her, everything else in the world melts away. There is nothing more important than you and her in that moment. One way to build this feeling is to whisper into her ear randomly, such as a compliment. Eye contact is also powerful in creating this connection.
The Element of Surprise
This one is huge. I hear it anytime I ask women about romance, and I see it in every description.
Give her gifts unexpectedly. But do it infrequently. If done too often or predictably, you will lose the element of surprise or she'll become bored. Gifts don’t need to be expensive, just thoughtful. Likewise, random texts showing you’re thinking about her will work.
Drop by her work to take her to lunch unexpectedly, or for any other purpose, but not just to say hi. She wants you to have a life. If you’re stopping by just because you’re bored, that’s unromantic.
One of the most effective ways to be romantic is to leave a hidden note for her somewhere to find when you’re not around. The note doesn’t need to be more than a sentence, such as telling her your feelings for her or your appreciation that she’s in your life. Women have been known to burst into tears when discovering this note.
Pulling a girl in for a kiss when she doesn’t expect it, or sneaking up behind her to grab her butt, are ways to make affection surprising. We’ll get to affection later.
Connect emotionally
A prevailing wisdom is that men should appear unemotional. But emotions can lead to romance when they are appropriate. She doesn’t want you to fly off the handle like a little girl, but she doesn’t want you to be a cold robot.
Connect deeply. It shows you trust your own emotions, and more importantly trust her to feel them with you. This includes the emotions involved in strong sexual chemistry. You can be sexual and still romantic.
Security
She knows you will be there to take care of her, to hold her and protect her. Even if you can’t be there, she needs to have the feeling that this is your desire and intent.
She expects you to be emotionally strong, to balance her sometimes erratic mood swings, and to be a grounding force. When you’re a man, she can fully express herself as a woman.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Romance, Part One
I was sitting in a Cuban restaurant with chicky one night, when she informed me I wasn’t romantic enough.
This didn’t surprise me. For one thing, I have a long history of being overly romantic at the expense of not being sexual enough. As a result, I was always viewed as a boyfriend first, lover distant second. When I entered the community I made an effort to cast myself as a lover with boyfriend potential.
So I’ve been deliberately withholding romance in many of my interactions. I don’t want girls to get too attached, and I don’t want to be thought of as a boyfriend. I’ve become so effective at this, that when I do develop love for a woman, she is extremely skeptical.
“Sooo…” she suggests, “telling me you want to fuck me…that’s not romantic.”
“Really? Ok, what should I say? Bang?”
“No…I don’t know…have sex?”
“That’s REALLY unromantic! Might as well say ‘have intercourse.’”
“Uhhh…make love…”
“Some girls don’t like when I say that. But yeah, I see your point. So no more ‘fucking.’”
“Not unless we’re in the bedroom.”
I later tell her I wanted to see her one night so much, I would’ve driven an hour to her home.
“See, that’s romantic! And you didn’t need to say ‘fuck.’”
I thought about this the next day. So driving an hour is romantic. But what about that specifically is romantic? It’s the sacrifice, I assume. Ok, then sacrifice is romantic, particularly the sacrifice of one’s time.
Hmmm, what other aspects of romance are there? How little do I know about romance? How would I even define it?
For all that the community has to offer about being alpha, good at perceiving subcommunications, on and on, there is scant written about romance. If I ask any woman what that word means to her, she will go off for 15 minutes easily, listing in minute detail all the various ways a man can be romantic. Whenever I ask most guys this same question, there is half a minute of silence, until they finally dig up some awkward definition, many times caked in disgust.
All those romance novels, all those chick flicks…what exactly makes them appealing to women and not to men? It’s something hard-wired or biochemical for sure, but what exactly?
I needed to find out.
And on a practical note, I needed to know how to implement romance in such a way that women viewed me as Prince Charming, not some sniveling, supplicating chode who stalks her at work and sends her 50 texts a day about his undying love. It’s not enough to feel desire and express that to a woman, you gotta do it in a way that’s alluring to her.
Power and love. Sex-worthy and romantic. You can certainly have one trait without the other, but why not try to possess both in balance? I think it’s the fear of looking like a pussy, of seeming less than powerful, that inhibits a lot of guys from fully embracing romance.
Let’s see what the dictionary has to say about this word:
a. A love affair.
b. Ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people; love.
c. A strong, sometimes short-lived attachment, fascination, or enthusiasm for something.
d. A mysterious or fascinating quality or appeal, as of something adventurous, heroic, or strangely beautiful.
One of my girl friends was insane about romance novels, read em all, and so I asked her for recommendations. I picked up a couple and started to explore. Authors like Julie Garwood and Lisa Kleypas. This wasn’t easy. In addition to being perplexing to men, romance is oftentimes nauseating. But if I were to find the answer, I needed to do the research.
I interviewed all the women I came into contact with. People at my work. My hairdresser. Friends. When I told women I was doing research to learn how to become more romantic, their eyes always lit up. Seems like as much as women want romance in their lives, it is sorely lacking.
Here now is my attempt to categorize the basic principles of romance as I see them. Hopefully this will help guys understand what it means and know how to apply it in their relationships.
Obsession
Obsessive behavior is considered decidedly unromantic by most people I’ve talked to. And yet, this behavior is pervasive in romantic films and books, indicating there must be something to it. Bottom line, take this for what it’s worth, realizing if miscalibrated it can be seen as extremely weird.
One thing you’ll see over and over in films is a guy stalking a woman, and her finding this romantic. Or he’s totally infatuated with everything about her. It’s John Cusack standing outside her window with the boom box in Say Anything... It’s Nick Cage sneaking back into the house party and waiting in the shower in Valley Girl. It’s Spartacus telling his woman…
“I want to know all about you. Every line. Every curve. I want to know every part of you. Every beat of your heart.”
In tiny measured amounts at the right time, this can come across as alluring to women. Mystery calls this the “hijacked my brain” campaign, which he uses to avoid LMR. It means that something has come over you – against your better judgment – that is inexplicably compelling you towards this girl.
But beware: Hollywood movies are stylized and rely on the character developing over a couple hours to get to the point where obsessive behavior is appealing. If Cusack were holding that stereo at the beginning of the movie, that would just be plain creeperville. So use with great caution or you may find yourself with a restraining order on your ass.
Needless to say, the girl needs to be into the guy for this to work. If she doesn’t have those same feelings, the result is icky.
Emotionally Charged Words
Telling a girl you’re gonna fuck her isn’t romantic, though at the right moment it can be powerful. You have to describe the details of the event, your emotions, her emotions. You can still be steamy and hot in your language without being utterly explicit. Here’s an excerpt of a love scene from the novel Slow Burn by Garwood:
Her nails gently scored his shoulder blades as she arched up against him.
The pleasure she gave him intensified. He slowly withdrew and then thrust inside her again. She increased the pace, demanding more and more of him until they were both mindless to the world around them. Only the two of them existed, and for that short time, there were no problems, no fears, no insecurities.
She reached a shuddering heart-stopping orgasm before he did. She cried out and squeezed him, forcing his own climax.
As an exercise, try to avoid use of any explicit words, and instead use some of the above when speaking to a woman. Other examples:
I want to ravish you. I will show you that you’re mine. I will take you.
Be attentive to details
Remember and notice things that are important to her. Listen closely to her. Even when it seems she doesn’t care about something, she could care very much. Make mental notes of anything she comments on, and use this to show you’ve been attentive.
Compliment her on things she’s proud of, not necessarily something that others would recognize. By personalizing the compliment, it becomes far more meaningful.
Settings
Sunsets on the beach, a view from a mountaintop, a candle-lit dinner table. Some settings lend themselves to romance. However be aware that for many women the setting is secondary to the gesture. A romantic offering works, even if on a busy city street. Don’t rely too heavily on the setting to do your work for you.
Gestures
Often if you simply state to a woman what your intention or desire is, that gesture suffices as romantic. For example if she is in need of something but you can’t be there to help, telling her you wish you could help is many times enough.
Opening a door, likewise, is an effortless task which may not take much work, but that gesture implies your desire to serve her. Always be mindful of these gestures since they can speak volumes to women.
This didn’t surprise me. For one thing, I have a long history of being overly romantic at the expense of not being sexual enough. As a result, I was always viewed as a boyfriend first, lover distant second. When I entered the community I made an effort to cast myself as a lover with boyfriend potential.
So I’ve been deliberately withholding romance in many of my interactions. I don’t want girls to get too attached, and I don’t want to be thought of as a boyfriend. I’ve become so effective at this, that when I do develop love for a woman, she is extremely skeptical.
“Sooo…” she suggests, “telling me you want to fuck me…that’s not romantic.”
“Really? Ok, what should I say? Bang?”
“No…I don’t know…have sex?”
“That’s REALLY unromantic! Might as well say ‘have intercourse.’”
“Uhhh…make love…”
“Some girls don’t like when I say that. But yeah, I see your point. So no more ‘fucking.’”
“Not unless we’re in the bedroom.”
I later tell her I wanted to see her one night so much, I would’ve driven an hour to her home.
“See, that’s romantic! And you didn’t need to say ‘fuck.’”
I thought about this the next day. So driving an hour is romantic. But what about that specifically is romantic? It’s the sacrifice, I assume. Ok, then sacrifice is romantic, particularly the sacrifice of one’s time.
Hmmm, what other aspects of romance are there? How little do I know about romance? How would I even define it?
For all that the community has to offer about being alpha, good at perceiving subcommunications, on and on, there is scant written about romance. If I ask any woman what that word means to her, she will go off for 15 minutes easily, listing in minute detail all the various ways a man can be romantic. Whenever I ask most guys this same question, there is half a minute of silence, until they finally dig up some awkward definition, many times caked in disgust.
All those romance novels, all those chick flicks…what exactly makes them appealing to women and not to men? It’s something hard-wired or biochemical for sure, but what exactly?
I needed to find out.
And on a practical note, I needed to know how to implement romance in such a way that women viewed me as Prince Charming, not some sniveling, supplicating chode who stalks her at work and sends her 50 texts a day about his undying love. It’s not enough to feel desire and express that to a woman, you gotta do it in a way that’s alluring to her.
Power and love. Sex-worthy and romantic. You can certainly have one trait without the other, but why not try to possess both in balance? I think it’s the fear of looking like a pussy, of seeming less than powerful, that inhibits a lot of guys from fully embracing romance.
Let’s see what the dictionary has to say about this word:
a. A love affair.
b. Ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people; love.
c. A strong, sometimes short-lived attachment, fascination, or enthusiasm for something.
d. A mysterious or fascinating quality or appeal, as of something adventurous, heroic, or strangely beautiful.
One of my girl friends was insane about romance novels, read em all, and so I asked her for recommendations. I picked up a couple and started to explore. Authors like Julie Garwood and Lisa Kleypas. This wasn’t easy. In addition to being perplexing to men, romance is oftentimes nauseating. But if I were to find the answer, I needed to do the research.
I interviewed all the women I came into contact with. People at my work. My hairdresser. Friends. When I told women I was doing research to learn how to become more romantic, their eyes always lit up. Seems like as much as women want romance in their lives, it is sorely lacking.
Here now is my attempt to categorize the basic principles of romance as I see them. Hopefully this will help guys understand what it means and know how to apply it in their relationships.
Obsession
Obsessive behavior is considered decidedly unromantic by most people I’ve talked to. And yet, this behavior is pervasive in romantic films and books, indicating there must be something to it. Bottom line, take this for what it’s worth, realizing if miscalibrated it can be seen as extremely weird.
One thing you’ll see over and over in films is a guy stalking a woman, and her finding this romantic. Or he’s totally infatuated with everything about her. It’s John Cusack standing outside her window with the boom box in Say Anything... It’s Nick Cage sneaking back into the house party and waiting in the shower in Valley Girl. It’s Spartacus telling his woman…
“I want to know all about you. Every line. Every curve. I want to know every part of you. Every beat of your heart.”
In tiny measured amounts at the right time, this can come across as alluring to women. Mystery calls this the “hijacked my brain” campaign, which he uses to avoid LMR. It means that something has come over you – against your better judgment – that is inexplicably compelling you towards this girl.
But beware: Hollywood movies are stylized and rely on the character developing over a couple hours to get to the point where obsessive behavior is appealing. If Cusack were holding that stereo at the beginning of the movie, that would just be plain creeperville. So use with great caution or you may find yourself with a restraining order on your ass.
Needless to say, the girl needs to be into the guy for this to work. If she doesn’t have those same feelings, the result is icky.
Emotionally Charged Words
Telling a girl you’re gonna fuck her isn’t romantic, though at the right moment it can be powerful. You have to describe the details of the event, your emotions, her emotions. You can still be steamy and hot in your language without being utterly explicit. Here’s an excerpt of a love scene from the novel Slow Burn by Garwood:
Her nails gently scored his shoulder blades as she arched up against him.
The pleasure she gave him intensified. He slowly withdrew and then thrust inside her again. She increased the pace, demanding more and more of him until they were both mindless to the world around them. Only the two of them existed, and for that short time, there were no problems, no fears, no insecurities.
She reached a shuddering heart-stopping orgasm before he did. She cried out and squeezed him, forcing his own climax.
As an exercise, try to avoid use of any explicit words, and instead use some of the above when speaking to a woman. Other examples:
I want to ravish you. I will show you that you’re mine. I will take you.
Be attentive to details
Remember and notice things that are important to her. Listen closely to her. Even when it seems she doesn’t care about something, she could care very much. Make mental notes of anything she comments on, and use this to show you’ve been attentive.
Compliment her on things she’s proud of, not necessarily something that others would recognize. By personalizing the compliment, it becomes far more meaningful.
Settings
Sunsets on the beach, a view from a mountaintop, a candle-lit dinner table. Some settings lend themselves to romance. However be aware that for many women the setting is secondary to the gesture. A romantic offering works, even if on a busy city street. Don’t rely too heavily on the setting to do your work for you.
Gestures
Often if you simply state to a woman what your intention or desire is, that gesture suffices as romantic. For example if she is in need of something but you can’t be there to help, telling her you wish you could help is many times enough.
Opening a door, likewise, is an effortless task which may not take much work, but that gesture implies your desire to serve her. Always be mindful of these gestures since they can speak volumes to women.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Midgame
Yo check it. Done some cognizating recently about pickup, seduction and beyond. The thing I’ve found funny is that most pickup companies, in-field videos and material focus on the approach. We call this the initial game: the approach through getting the number. As you will see, initial game comprises a very small part of the overall interaction, but that’s the place most students end up dwelling.
The problem is that while this early phase is tough for the majority of guys, the real heavy work is usually gonna be done in midgame, all that shit required to get a girl out and eventually sans panties. Endgame - getting it on - is the easiest of the three phases, although even this stage can be fraught with hardships and heartaches.
So what the PU companies and books should be primarily dissecting is midgame. Stuff like texting and calling, how to set up the date in your favor logistically, how to escalate so she’s horny. Yet how many in-field videos follow the PUA on his day 2? I haven’t seen one. How many PU coaches spend their bootcamps analyzing your text exchanges? Absurd. Despite this, midgame is the meat and potatoes of most sets (SNLs excluded).
This is how I would categorize the stages of a relationship arc, in order:
1. Initial game. This is a toughy, but not as difficult as midgame. In initial game, you must overcome your AA, learn how to hook, vibe, build attraction. Comfort is optional. The end point is obtaining some form of contact information, whether that be a phone number or Facebook info.
2. Midgame. This is the hardest aspect on your journey to sex, in which you first convince a girl to meet up and then upon rendezvous, begin the in-person process of seduction. Mystery said “the game is played in comfort.” In truth, the game is played in midgame, whether you choose to make that attraction, comfort or seduction. More realistically it will be a calibrated combination of all three.
3. Endgame. You’ve got her hot and wet, and now you must overcome the final shit tests, LMR and logistical hurdles to achieve intercourse.
4. Repeat offender. Hooking up once is fun, but maybe you want to see the girl again. In this stage, you’ve managed to see the girl repeatedly for sex.
5. Conversion to LTR. After about 5 or so sexual encounters, you have achieved an LTR. You may call her a girlfriend or fuck buddy depending on your preferences. Romance is optional.
It is helpful to break down the relationship arc into these stages because then you can understand where your deficiencies lie. Here are some reasons why you fail to progress to the next stage:
1. Initial game. You have too much AA. You are unable to vibe without being in your head. You fail to get attraction. You choose girls or venues which are unlikely to result in dates (you know, like stupidly drunk crack whores at a rave).
2. Midgame. Your text game is sub par. You don’t consider logistical issues in advance to prevent obstacles. You fail to escalate.
3. Endgame. You haven’t turned her on sexually. You haven’t gained her trust. You fail to plow past token objections. You have no place to fuck. You aren’t carrying a rubber.
4. Repeat offender. The initial sex was poor. You came across like an uncaring player. Your follow-up text game was weak. You look like a troll naked.
5. Conversion to LTR. Sex continues to be poor. It is too logistically difficult to sustain. She has other better sexual options. You are telegraphing an agenda or seem needy/desperate. You post a LR and she finds it.
Let us now examine midgame in greater detail, and specifically what things I think make up a “solid” number. I’m only gonna talk about text game, since that’s all I run leading up to the meet. Let’s say you get a number and send out an initial text. These are the levels of investment a girl may demonstrate through text game, in increasing order:
Level 1. No response. Not only was your day 1 interaction piss poor, but your text game sucks. Or possibly she failed to mention a boyfriend or husband. The number is wood.
Level 2. She responds to your texts, but the responses are brief, without much thought, and after lengthy delay. She ignores many of your texts. You get a lot of one-word answers like “Cool”, “Awesome” and “No.”
Level 3. She begins responding consistently, and after little delay. Her responses reflect she is putting some thought into them and enjoys your texts. When you suggest a meet-up however you may find she goes dead air, or at best gives a token ok that she will eventually reverse.
Level 4. She has become emotionally invested, albeit superficially. She is sharing various personal aspects of her life. She qualifies herself. She appears to be emotionally affected by certain comments you make. At this point, she may be willing to see you, but there is still a high chance of flaking. In fact, she could seem genuinely excited to agree to a meet, but don’t be surprised when she goes dead air or cancels at the last minute when that time arrives.
Level 5. She is more deeply invested. She suggests the meet up, often giving suggestions. In this stage, flaking is much less likely.
I will invite girls out when they are in level 3 or 4, but this many times results in a flake. Still, after a flake I like to call her out to demonstrate that this behavior is inappropriate and bizarre in my world. I also take this to mean I need to move to level 5 before asking her out again. This can take about a week, sometimes two, of solid text game, a few days a week. A flake almost always happens at some point in each set, so I’ve come to believe these often represent shit tests. How you handle it can help build or destroy attraction. So I welcome the flake, like I welcome most shit tests, as a sign of attraction.
If you can’t convert numbers to dates, then you have no way of improving your day 2 skills. YOU MUST GET A LOT OF DAY 2s TO GET GOOD AT MIDGAME. I mean, one day 2 a week is ideal. Rack up 20 day 2s a year and that’s a pretty decent sample size to be strengthening your midgame. If you’re like me, the bottleneck here is your text game. Once I got a handle on text game, I had little problem converting numbers to dates.
Here are a few ways I move into the higher levels of investment, via text:
She willingly qualifies herself. Whatever ways you do this in person, you can try during text exchange. Common statements of mine are, “So you’re hot and smart…what’s the catch? There must be a catch...”
She permits sexual innuendo. Often, this leads to dead air because of ASD. But even after sex talk backfires, you may find the interaction is even more solid. It’s as if she takes the time to mull over your suggestions of sex, and she makes peace with them, resulting in curiosity.
You demonstrate power and dominance. You dismiss her like a bothersome little sister. Disqualification is potent stuff.
You make your intent clear, by calling her cute or sexy. A statement I may drop even if unprovoked is, “Stop being so cute! There’s only so much I can take woman”
Ok, so you ran tight-ass text game. You got her out. Now what do you do?
I recently posted “Relationships and nasty shit” in which I explain that women are sizing you up sexually from the get-go. Women really really really like sex. In my opinion, sex is pretty much what’s gonna get you conversion to LTR status. Naturally, then, if your day 2 isn’t exhibiting your ability to bring it sexually, you are moving backwards into the friend zone and eventual oblivion.
You don’t necessarily need to pull your willy out on the date and start slapping her ass with it. But you do need to hit a few items on your checklist:
1. Show dominance. Manhandle her, grab her cell, have rapport-breaking tonality, lift her up and carry her. There are a ton of ways to do this, and collectively they’ll get her juices flowing.
2. Try to make out with her. She may not be receptive at first, but if you don’t at least try, chances are good she’ll write you off. To get a make-out, I make sure I’m in a venue that will facilitate this (dark, kinda loud, and full of people and booze). Anything else is an uphill battle. Specifically what I’ve been doing lately is buy a round of drinks and then when it comes time for the second round, I tell her, “I’ll get you another drink but I have a rule. You have to kiss me first. Sorry, it’s the rule.” If she says no, the date is essentially over. Why are you wasting time with a girl who won’t at least kiss you? This is assuming you’ve gotten a bit cozy with her first, preferably with some manual escalation and certainly with proximity. The make-out is pretty much your turning point; once you get it, that weird first-date awkwardness usually will disappear.
3. Sexualize. Not just bring up all things sexual (which you should’ve already been doing through your text game), but set the sexual frame. Meaning, reward her for being impulsive, affectionate, open-minded and so on. I believe this is called sexual framing, but I’ve always called it sexualization.
4. Keep her BT up. It’s possible to make out with a girl running cold, dry comfort, but I’d save that shit for after the make-out. Leading up to it, keep the vibe fun and exciting. Plenty of humor, teasing, banter.
Sex may happen on the first date, or it may not. It’s up to you if you want to pursue that girl if she isn’t putting out on the second or third date. My belief is that if all lights are green and she just needs more time, I give her the benefit of the doubt and keep things smoldering. It’s a balancing act between pushing and leading: if you push her too hard it may backfire as you’ll appear needy; if you lead she may not follow. So find that balance each girl requires, and guide things towards the endgame.
The problem is that while this early phase is tough for the majority of guys, the real heavy work is usually gonna be done in midgame, all that shit required to get a girl out and eventually sans panties. Endgame - getting it on - is the easiest of the three phases, although even this stage can be fraught with hardships and heartaches.
So what the PU companies and books should be primarily dissecting is midgame. Stuff like texting and calling, how to set up the date in your favor logistically, how to escalate so she’s horny. Yet how many in-field videos follow the PUA on his day 2? I haven’t seen one. How many PU coaches spend their bootcamps analyzing your text exchanges? Absurd. Despite this, midgame is the meat and potatoes of most sets (SNLs excluded).
This is how I would categorize the stages of a relationship arc, in order:
1. Initial game. This is a toughy, but not as difficult as midgame. In initial game, you must overcome your AA, learn how to hook, vibe, build attraction. Comfort is optional. The end point is obtaining some form of contact information, whether that be a phone number or Facebook info.
2. Midgame. This is the hardest aspect on your journey to sex, in which you first convince a girl to meet up and then upon rendezvous, begin the in-person process of seduction. Mystery said “the game is played in comfort.” In truth, the game is played in midgame, whether you choose to make that attraction, comfort or seduction. More realistically it will be a calibrated combination of all three.
3. Endgame. You’ve got her hot and wet, and now you must overcome the final shit tests, LMR and logistical hurdles to achieve intercourse.
4. Repeat offender. Hooking up once is fun, but maybe you want to see the girl again. In this stage, you’ve managed to see the girl repeatedly for sex.
5. Conversion to LTR. After about 5 or so sexual encounters, you have achieved an LTR. You may call her a girlfriend or fuck buddy depending on your preferences. Romance is optional.
It is helpful to break down the relationship arc into these stages because then you can understand where your deficiencies lie. Here are some reasons why you fail to progress to the next stage:
1. Initial game. You have too much AA. You are unable to vibe without being in your head. You fail to get attraction. You choose girls or venues which are unlikely to result in dates (you know, like stupidly drunk crack whores at a rave).
2. Midgame. Your text game is sub par. You don’t consider logistical issues in advance to prevent obstacles. You fail to escalate.
3. Endgame. You haven’t turned her on sexually. You haven’t gained her trust. You fail to plow past token objections. You have no place to fuck. You aren’t carrying a rubber.
4. Repeat offender. The initial sex was poor. You came across like an uncaring player. Your follow-up text game was weak. You look like a troll naked.
5. Conversion to LTR. Sex continues to be poor. It is too logistically difficult to sustain. She has other better sexual options. You are telegraphing an agenda or seem needy/desperate. You post a LR and she finds it.
Let us now examine midgame in greater detail, and specifically what things I think make up a “solid” number. I’m only gonna talk about text game, since that’s all I run leading up to the meet. Let’s say you get a number and send out an initial text. These are the levels of investment a girl may demonstrate through text game, in increasing order:
Level 1. No response. Not only was your day 1 interaction piss poor, but your text game sucks. Or possibly she failed to mention a boyfriend or husband. The number is wood.
Level 2. She responds to your texts, but the responses are brief, without much thought, and after lengthy delay. She ignores many of your texts. You get a lot of one-word answers like “Cool”, “Awesome” and “No.”
Level 3. She begins responding consistently, and after little delay. Her responses reflect she is putting some thought into them and enjoys your texts. When you suggest a meet-up however you may find she goes dead air, or at best gives a token ok that she will eventually reverse.
Level 4. She has become emotionally invested, albeit superficially. She is sharing various personal aspects of her life. She qualifies herself. She appears to be emotionally affected by certain comments you make. At this point, she may be willing to see you, but there is still a high chance of flaking. In fact, she could seem genuinely excited to agree to a meet, but don’t be surprised when she goes dead air or cancels at the last minute when that time arrives.
Level 5. She is more deeply invested. She suggests the meet up, often giving suggestions. In this stage, flaking is much less likely.
I will invite girls out when they are in level 3 or 4, but this many times results in a flake. Still, after a flake I like to call her out to demonstrate that this behavior is inappropriate and bizarre in my world. I also take this to mean I need to move to level 5 before asking her out again. This can take about a week, sometimes two, of solid text game, a few days a week. A flake almost always happens at some point in each set, so I’ve come to believe these often represent shit tests. How you handle it can help build or destroy attraction. So I welcome the flake, like I welcome most shit tests, as a sign of attraction.
If you can’t convert numbers to dates, then you have no way of improving your day 2 skills. YOU MUST GET A LOT OF DAY 2s TO GET GOOD AT MIDGAME. I mean, one day 2 a week is ideal. Rack up 20 day 2s a year and that’s a pretty decent sample size to be strengthening your midgame. If you’re like me, the bottleneck here is your text game. Once I got a handle on text game, I had little problem converting numbers to dates.
Here are a few ways I move into the higher levels of investment, via text:
She willingly qualifies herself. Whatever ways you do this in person, you can try during text exchange. Common statements of mine are, “So you’re hot and smart…what’s the catch? There must be a catch...”
She permits sexual innuendo. Often, this leads to dead air because of ASD. But even after sex talk backfires, you may find the interaction is even more solid. It’s as if she takes the time to mull over your suggestions of sex, and she makes peace with them, resulting in curiosity.
You demonstrate power and dominance. You dismiss her like a bothersome little sister. Disqualification is potent stuff.
You make your intent clear, by calling her cute or sexy. A statement I may drop even if unprovoked is, “Stop being so cute! There’s only so much I can take woman”
Ok, so you ran tight-ass text game. You got her out. Now what do you do?
I recently posted “Relationships and nasty shit” in which I explain that women are sizing you up sexually from the get-go. Women really really really like sex. In my opinion, sex is pretty much what’s gonna get you conversion to LTR status. Naturally, then, if your day 2 isn’t exhibiting your ability to bring it sexually, you are moving backwards into the friend zone and eventual oblivion.
You don’t necessarily need to pull your willy out on the date and start slapping her ass with it. But you do need to hit a few items on your checklist:
1. Show dominance. Manhandle her, grab her cell, have rapport-breaking tonality, lift her up and carry her. There are a ton of ways to do this, and collectively they’ll get her juices flowing.
2. Try to make out with her. She may not be receptive at first, but if you don’t at least try, chances are good she’ll write you off. To get a make-out, I make sure I’m in a venue that will facilitate this (dark, kinda loud, and full of people and booze). Anything else is an uphill battle. Specifically what I’ve been doing lately is buy a round of drinks and then when it comes time for the second round, I tell her, “I’ll get you another drink but I have a rule. You have to kiss me first. Sorry, it’s the rule.” If she says no, the date is essentially over. Why are you wasting time with a girl who won’t at least kiss you? This is assuming you’ve gotten a bit cozy with her first, preferably with some manual escalation and certainly with proximity. The make-out is pretty much your turning point; once you get it, that weird first-date awkwardness usually will disappear.
3. Sexualize. Not just bring up all things sexual (which you should’ve already been doing through your text game), but set the sexual frame. Meaning, reward her for being impulsive, affectionate, open-minded and so on. I believe this is called sexual framing, but I’ve always called it sexualization.
4. Keep her BT up. It’s possible to make out with a girl running cold, dry comfort, but I’d save that shit for after the make-out. Leading up to it, keep the vibe fun and exciting. Plenty of humor, teasing, banter.
Sex may happen on the first date, or it may not. It’s up to you if you want to pursue that girl if she isn’t putting out on the second or third date. My belief is that if all lights are green and she just needs more time, I give her the benefit of the doubt and keep things smoldering. It’s a balancing act between pushing and leading: if you push her too hard it may backfire as you’ll appear needy; if you lead she may not follow. So find that balance each girl requires, and guide things towards the endgame.
Relationships and nasty shit
I've been reading an excellent book on sex currently called Sex God Method by Dan Rose. There's just not enough material on sex in the PU literature for some reason, and this one covers everything from when to change sexual positions to how to create mLTRs.
I posted something on paradigms a week ago. Before I got into the community, my paradigm was that most girls want exclusivity, and that what draws them into this revolves around what a great guy you are. You know the shit: he treats her like a gentleman, his family likes her, he takes her on fun vacations, he spends a ton of cash on her.
Since being in the community, I've shifted into a new paradigm. Girls mostly DON'T want exclusivity right off the bat. Maybe a few months in, but for the most part, nearly all girls have been very clear that they aren't looking for anything heavy or too involved. Many are in fact receptive to and encouraging of polygamy. The less you rely on a girl emotionally, the less obligation to you she feels, at least early on. That was the first thing to surprise me.
Second, it isn't your credit card or your magic tricks or your job which are usually gonna get a girl interested in a LTR with you, nor sustain it once you get it. It boils down to one main ingredient:
Being really good at fucking.
You can be the best boyfriend on every other level, but if you suck in bed, she’ll be miserable. Sometimes you can skate by in a dysfunctional relationship if she’s getting enough emotional nourishment from drama and whatnot. But in a healthy LTR, you want the sex to be really good for her. Sex will be the most reliable and potent currency you’ll possess to obtain and maintain LTRs.
Rose talks about 4 pillars: dominance, emotion, variety and immersion. To this I’d add that when I’m talking sexual to a girl or having sex, she gets that most of what I’m doing is trying to give her the best sex she’s had. So having a value-giving mindset is the foundation to all of this. Being in it solely for your ego or for self-gratification will typically result in shitty sex in the long run.
Let me break it down.
Dominance may not come naturally to some (it didn’t for me at first), but it’s essential. David Deida doesn’t say 100% of women want to be dominated, but the number is high enough that you should assume every girl you interact with wants to be with a dominant man. Evolution has selected this desire. How to be dominant is something you can try to fake until it’s internalized, and may include grabbing her and her possessions, giving her commands, and using sexually charged language.
Women are emotional beings. Understanding how a woman’s mind works is key to seducing her. If you want girls to have great sex, being a good technician in bed is far less important than arousing her emotions. But beyond that, if you want women to fall in love with you, you need to embrace and express your own emotions. If you stifle them, the sex will suffer.
Variety means switching things up. Be dominant one moment, tender another, change sexual positions, go down on her in the middle of sex, pull out unexpectedly, etc. Doing the same routine every night leads to a bad sex life.
Immersion involves being totally present with a woman. Shut out negative self-talk, stop planning out what to do next, don’t fantasize about other things, don’t think about things you need to do tomorrow. Women can sense when you are not completely there in bed with them, and they lose arousal. Conversely, when you’re totally immersed in the experience, she will be too, and the sex will be at its best.
So here’s the problem. If you suck in bed, you’ll try to make up for it in other ways. You’ll be the guy who buys her shit, or always supplicates to her, or goes out of his way for even a drop of affection. This behavior makes her question your abilities. If you make a girl work for sex, she will realize you’re worth the effort because you’ve got skills; the Latina MILF I see now drives sometimes 2 hours to see me - once or twice a week - because I take care of her needs.
Getting to that point is partly inner game and partly your abilities. Inner game issues include you think yourself unworthy of fucking hot girls. Or maybe you’re worried about dick size, or your physique, or whatever. Even without saying anything, your feelings of inferiority and intimidation will turn her off. And before you know it, you’re chasing her for sex and not vice versa.
If it’s your abilities that are deficient, then work on this aspect. I personally had crappy knowledge of female anatomy and orgasm. Most guys muddle their way through relationships without getting honest feedback from their women, and then fill in the gaps by watching porn.
Even being in my late 30s and having what I thought was a solid education on the subject, I realized I knew very little. Therefore, I sought out reliable sources on how to please women, and I made myself into a sex machine. By acquiring an understanding, I improved my competence at sex, and hence my confidence went through the roof. So go out and read up on anything and everything you can. Basic techniques, how to talk dirty, different kinds of female orgasms, fetishes, all that. Demonstrate to women (without bragging, of course), that you not only know your shit and can prove it, but that you’re open-minded and non-judgmental.
It’s important to set the seductive frame early when you meet a girl: you’re there to fuck her, not to make nice or to entertain her. Along these lines, tailor your day 2 to give her this information as quickly and powerfully as you can. Whenever I have a dinner date or take a chick to a movie as a day 2, she almost always loses interest and there’s never a day 3. Instead, if I take her to a bar and try to fuck her that night, even if unsuccessful, there will always be interest in another date. Don’t push her if she’s not ready, but let her feel that you are there for sex, and you’re ready and willing to deliver when the time is right.
I posted something on paradigms a week ago. Before I got into the community, my paradigm was that most girls want exclusivity, and that what draws them into this revolves around what a great guy you are. You know the shit: he treats her like a gentleman, his family likes her, he takes her on fun vacations, he spends a ton of cash on her.
Since being in the community, I've shifted into a new paradigm. Girls mostly DON'T want exclusivity right off the bat. Maybe a few months in, but for the most part, nearly all girls have been very clear that they aren't looking for anything heavy or too involved. Many are in fact receptive to and encouraging of polygamy. The less you rely on a girl emotionally, the less obligation to you she feels, at least early on. That was the first thing to surprise me.
Second, it isn't your credit card or your magic tricks or your job which are usually gonna get a girl interested in a LTR with you, nor sustain it once you get it. It boils down to one main ingredient:
Being really good at fucking.
You can be the best boyfriend on every other level, but if you suck in bed, she’ll be miserable. Sometimes you can skate by in a dysfunctional relationship if she’s getting enough emotional nourishment from drama and whatnot. But in a healthy LTR, you want the sex to be really good for her. Sex will be the most reliable and potent currency you’ll possess to obtain and maintain LTRs.
Rose talks about 4 pillars: dominance, emotion, variety and immersion. To this I’d add that when I’m talking sexual to a girl or having sex, she gets that most of what I’m doing is trying to give her the best sex she’s had. So having a value-giving mindset is the foundation to all of this. Being in it solely for your ego or for self-gratification will typically result in shitty sex in the long run.
Let me break it down.
Dominance may not come naturally to some (it didn’t for me at first), but it’s essential. David Deida doesn’t say 100% of women want to be dominated, but the number is high enough that you should assume every girl you interact with wants to be with a dominant man. Evolution has selected this desire. How to be dominant is something you can try to fake until it’s internalized, and may include grabbing her and her possessions, giving her commands, and using sexually charged language.
Women are emotional beings. Understanding how a woman’s mind works is key to seducing her. If you want girls to have great sex, being a good technician in bed is far less important than arousing her emotions. But beyond that, if you want women to fall in love with you, you need to embrace and express your own emotions. If you stifle them, the sex will suffer.
Variety means switching things up. Be dominant one moment, tender another, change sexual positions, go down on her in the middle of sex, pull out unexpectedly, etc. Doing the same routine every night leads to a bad sex life.
Immersion involves being totally present with a woman. Shut out negative self-talk, stop planning out what to do next, don’t fantasize about other things, don’t think about things you need to do tomorrow. Women can sense when you are not completely there in bed with them, and they lose arousal. Conversely, when you’re totally immersed in the experience, she will be too, and the sex will be at its best.
So here’s the problem. If you suck in bed, you’ll try to make up for it in other ways. You’ll be the guy who buys her shit, or always supplicates to her, or goes out of his way for even a drop of affection. This behavior makes her question your abilities. If you make a girl work for sex, she will realize you’re worth the effort because you’ve got skills; the Latina MILF I see now drives sometimes 2 hours to see me - once or twice a week - because I take care of her needs.
Getting to that point is partly inner game and partly your abilities. Inner game issues include you think yourself unworthy of fucking hot girls. Or maybe you’re worried about dick size, or your physique, or whatever. Even without saying anything, your feelings of inferiority and intimidation will turn her off. And before you know it, you’re chasing her for sex and not vice versa.
If it’s your abilities that are deficient, then work on this aspect. I personally had crappy knowledge of female anatomy and orgasm. Most guys muddle their way through relationships without getting honest feedback from their women, and then fill in the gaps by watching porn.
Even being in my late 30s and having what I thought was a solid education on the subject, I realized I knew very little. Therefore, I sought out reliable sources on how to please women, and I made myself into a sex machine. By acquiring an understanding, I improved my competence at sex, and hence my confidence went through the roof. So go out and read up on anything and everything you can. Basic techniques, how to talk dirty, different kinds of female orgasms, fetishes, all that. Demonstrate to women (without bragging, of course), that you not only know your shit and can prove it, but that you’re open-minded and non-judgmental.
It’s important to set the seductive frame early when you meet a girl: you’re there to fuck her, not to make nice or to entertain her. Along these lines, tailor your day 2 to give her this information as quickly and powerfully as you can. Whenever I have a dinner date or take a chick to a movie as a day 2, she almost always loses interest and there’s never a day 3. Instead, if I take her to a bar and try to fuck her that night, even if unsuccessful, there will always be interest in another date. Don’t push her if she’s not ready, but let her feel that you are there for sex, and you’re ready and willing to deliver when the time is right.
Paradigms
A paradigm is defined as a set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality. I was talking to an Indian chick last week, and she thought it was absolutely unacceptable that some strange guy in a bar was talking to her. In her paradigm, talking to strangers in bars is out of the question. Pure explained to me that like other Asians, there is a cultural reason behind this paradigm.
In the community, we talk about limiting beliefs. Let’s say I believe that tall guys get more and better-looking tail than short guys. This, some would say, is a limiting belief, because it is an internal dialogue that might stop me from going after hot girls. On the contrary, when I put on shoe lifts and my success goes up, that belief becomes an enabling one. So because this same belief can be interpreted as limiting or enabling, let’s side-step this judgment call. In either case, we can agree I have a paradigm that includes a belief about height.
Some girls you game will have deeply entrenched paradigms. A woman who is happily married may find it unacceptable to date other men. This is her firmly held paradigm. Then it’s up to you the player to decide if you want to try to work within and against her paradigm, or move on.
Of course, that’s an extreme case. Other paradigms include the belief that the man should pay for everything, or that the man should always lead in the interaction, or that you shouldn’t have sex on the first date, or that you shouldn’t date outside your race.
You may choose to accept a woman’s paradigm, or you may try to challenge it. I believe that a man should always lead, and I’m ok with women who maintain a similar paradigm. I am not, however, okay with the paradigm that sex on the first date is wrong; whenever a girl demonstrates this paradigm, I will always try to challenge it.
This brings us to paradigm shifts. Before Einstein introduced his concepts, there was a belief in physics that we had learned all we would ever learn. With Einstein came a huge shift in thinking. The opposite is paradigm paralysis, where you are unable to make a shift in your beliefs and so you get stuck in the same thought process. Which leads us back to limiting beliefs; a lot of new guys in the community suffer from paradigm paralysis. “I’m not good-looking enough,” “I’m too old,” “I don’t have enough money.”
And yes, we sometimes forget that girls also have limiting beliefs and suffer from paradigm paralysis. Probably the most notable case is ASD, her set of beliefs that if she acts too aggressively, society will deem her a slut. And so she doesn’t pursue what she wants sexually out of fear of being stigmatized. If you’ve gamed cougars you may find that these women often have undergone a shift, and no longer suffer from paralysis. We’ll get back to cougars in a sec.
Some girls may subscribe to a given paradigm, but underneath that is a latent paradigm. When you cause a shift in her beliefs, you cause that latent paradigm to rise to the surface. Many times that initial set of beliefs is what’s called the dominant paradigm, which is a set of beliefs commonly held by a particular group. An example may be when a group of girls rolls into a club, they have an unspoken contract that they’ll all leave together. The dominant paradigm in that group is that going home with a strange guy is unacceptable.
Alright, so what does all this mean? When you meet a girl who holds a paradigm that is not in alignment with your own, you will make the determination as to whether you want to induce a shift or bring to the surface a latent paradigm.
In many cases, trying to induce a shift is simply not worth it. The girl has such paralysis that a shift will be nearly impossible, or you may have to compromise your integrity in order to get there.
In other cases, that paradigm is very superficial, and the latent views are simmering just below the surface. In these cases, with the right game (and your own positive assumptions), you can induce a shift. An example includes shit tests, such as the classic, “You can come in, but we’re not having sex tonight.” To the trained ear, the latent paradigms can be recognized and elicited.
So let’s go back to the cougar. What has caused her shift? She now goes out, meets a guy she wants to bang, and aggressively pursues him. She may open him, do much of the escalation, drop plenty of explicit suggestions, and contact him the next day.
In my opinion, the cause of the shift has to do with relative value. Most women begin to lose value after around age 30. Her appearances start to diminish and she notices she gets hit on less. On top of this, her sex drive starts to peak during her mid-30s. So the only way she can satiate her desires is to step up her game. She must undergo a paradigm shift to get what she wants out of the sexual market.
Value can be measured in many ways: money, status, looks, preselection, humor. As you make yourself more valuable to women, you will become better able to induce paradigm shifts. What constitutes a valuable man is something we can hotly debate, but in my opinion, it mostly involves a combination of his physical attractiveness and his ability to work with her emotional states. There are other esoteric factors like pheromones and game.
In the end, all you can do is make yourself as valuable as possible. We can run through the list: social intelligence, calibration, your subcoms, height, build, escalation, charisma, so on. There is some potential for creating a value gradient by trying to lower the girl’s (e.g. negs), but this is less reliable. Hot women who get hit on a ton typically aren’t too phased by your negs; this may be good gravy, but the real meat is your own intrinsic value as a man. Plus, if you become too concerned about relative value, you find yourself in a reactive mindset. You are constantly analyzing her value and then trying to calculate your own value relative to hers.
Aside from becoming a valuable man, this has much to do with your ability to telegraph your value effectively to women. Handing a girl your resume will not suffice. She needs to feel that you are of high value. Which is why we keep getting back to the importance of making an emotional connection with women. That connection will serve as the conduit through which you will use your value to leverage her paradigm shift.
In the community, we talk about limiting beliefs. Let’s say I believe that tall guys get more and better-looking tail than short guys. This, some would say, is a limiting belief, because it is an internal dialogue that might stop me from going after hot girls. On the contrary, when I put on shoe lifts and my success goes up, that belief becomes an enabling one. So because this same belief can be interpreted as limiting or enabling, let’s side-step this judgment call. In either case, we can agree I have a paradigm that includes a belief about height.
Some girls you game will have deeply entrenched paradigms. A woman who is happily married may find it unacceptable to date other men. This is her firmly held paradigm. Then it’s up to you the player to decide if you want to try to work within and against her paradigm, or move on.
Of course, that’s an extreme case. Other paradigms include the belief that the man should pay for everything, or that the man should always lead in the interaction, or that you shouldn’t have sex on the first date, or that you shouldn’t date outside your race.
You may choose to accept a woman’s paradigm, or you may try to challenge it. I believe that a man should always lead, and I’m ok with women who maintain a similar paradigm. I am not, however, okay with the paradigm that sex on the first date is wrong; whenever a girl demonstrates this paradigm, I will always try to challenge it.
This brings us to paradigm shifts. Before Einstein introduced his concepts, there was a belief in physics that we had learned all we would ever learn. With Einstein came a huge shift in thinking. The opposite is paradigm paralysis, where you are unable to make a shift in your beliefs and so you get stuck in the same thought process. Which leads us back to limiting beliefs; a lot of new guys in the community suffer from paradigm paralysis. “I’m not good-looking enough,” “I’m too old,” “I don’t have enough money.”
And yes, we sometimes forget that girls also have limiting beliefs and suffer from paradigm paralysis. Probably the most notable case is ASD, her set of beliefs that if she acts too aggressively, society will deem her a slut. And so she doesn’t pursue what she wants sexually out of fear of being stigmatized. If you’ve gamed cougars you may find that these women often have undergone a shift, and no longer suffer from paralysis. We’ll get back to cougars in a sec.
Some girls may subscribe to a given paradigm, but underneath that is a latent paradigm. When you cause a shift in her beliefs, you cause that latent paradigm to rise to the surface. Many times that initial set of beliefs is what’s called the dominant paradigm, which is a set of beliefs commonly held by a particular group. An example may be when a group of girls rolls into a club, they have an unspoken contract that they’ll all leave together. The dominant paradigm in that group is that going home with a strange guy is unacceptable.
Alright, so what does all this mean? When you meet a girl who holds a paradigm that is not in alignment with your own, you will make the determination as to whether you want to induce a shift or bring to the surface a latent paradigm.
In many cases, trying to induce a shift is simply not worth it. The girl has such paralysis that a shift will be nearly impossible, or you may have to compromise your integrity in order to get there.
In other cases, that paradigm is very superficial, and the latent views are simmering just below the surface. In these cases, with the right game (and your own positive assumptions), you can induce a shift. An example includes shit tests, such as the classic, “You can come in, but we’re not having sex tonight.” To the trained ear, the latent paradigms can be recognized and elicited.
So let’s go back to the cougar. What has caused her shift? She now goes out, meets a guy she wants to bang, and aggressively pursues him. She may open him, do much of the escalation, drop plenty of explicit suggestions, and contact him the next day.
In my opinion, the cause of the shift has to do with relative value. Most women begin to lose value after around age 30. Her appearances start to diminish and she notices she gets hit on less. On top of this, her sex drive starts to peak during her mid-30s. So the only way she can satiate her desires is to step up her game. She must undergo a paradigm shift to get what she wants out of the sexual market.
Value can be measured in many ways: money, status, looks, preselection, humor. As you make yourself more valuable to women, you will become better able to induce paradigm shifts. What constitutes a valuable man is something we can hotly debate, but in my opinion, it mostly involves a combination of his physical attractiveness and his ability to work with her emotional states. There are other esoteric factors like pheromones and game.
In the end, all you can do is make yourself as valuable as possible. We can run through the list: social intelligence, calibration, your subcoms, height, build, escalation, charisma, so on. There is some potential for creating a value gradient by trying to lower the girl’s (e.g. negs), but this is less reliable. Hot women who get hit on a ton typically aren’t too phased by your negs; this may be good gravy, but the real meat is your own intrinsic value as a man. Plus, if you become too concerned about relative value, you find yourself in a reactive mindset. You are constantly analyzing her value and then trying to calculate your own value relative to hers.
Aside from becoming a valuable man, this has much to do with your ability to telegraph your value effectively to women. Handing a girl your resume will not suffice. She needs to feel that you are of high value. Which is why we keep getting back to the importance of making an emotional connection with women. That connection will serve as the conduit through which you will use your value to leverage her paradigm shift.
Jackson Pollock and Pick-up
We were having this passionate discussion at 7 Grand last week, my date and I, about our favorite artists. When I told her who I thought was the greatest contemporary artist, she totally understood: Jackson Pollock.
To look at the art of Pollock, you may not understand or appreciate what the fuck he was all about. But the fact is, he not only created a new style of art, but applied something nobody had previously done. Physicality.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackson_Pollock
The guy stood over his canvas which he laid out on the floor, and splattered, dripped and poured liquid paint over it. Til then, artists used easels and applied the paint with a brush.
Do you get it now?
No? Ok, let me explain. Or better yet, let’s allow Pollock to explain:
“My painting does not come from the easel. I prefer to tack the unstretched canvas to the hard wall or the floor. I need the resistance of a hard surface. On the floor I am more at ease. I feel nearer, more part of the painting, since this way I can walk around it, work from the four sides and literally be in the painting.”
“When I am in my painting, I'm not aware of what I'm doing. It is only after a sort of 'get acquainted' period that I see what I have been about. I have no fear of making changes, destroying the image, etc., because the painting has a life of its own. I try to let it come through. It is only when I lose contact with the painting that the result is a mess. Otherwise there is pure harmony, an easy give and take, and the painting comes out well.”
Wow, sound familiar? When I’m in field, I immerse myself in the experience, get out of my head, become totally present with the girl. I am not standing back, looking at things with a distant or objective eye, trying to micromanage my interaction. Pollock’s approach to painting is about the closest correlation you can get between art and being “in state.”
He worked through his entire body to create his art, not just his fingers and wrists. The dribblings you see are a direct manifestation of what he was doing with his entire body when the paint went air-borne. He – his body – went into his art. In a word, he was fully present with his canvas.
I am not a skier or surfer, but I’m told it’s very much the same. You must go with the flow, making small adjustments as needed, but essentially reacting from your core moment by moment.
So, as amazing as this state sounds, lots of guys have trouble getting there in field. I was one of them. My head was wall-to-wall noise, and it took a great deal of work to get to a place of being fully present without all that distracting static. Of course, my mind still wanders, but things are a billion times better now and this is perceptible by women.
The key, besides reading stuff by Tolle and watching the Blueprint, was getting in touch with my body. Which brings me to my main point: get your ass off the sofa and get the fuck in shape.
Women like physically attractive men. We can debate this point til the cows come home, but it’s my experience that all things being equal, most girls would rather fuck a hot dude. Some things you can alter or improve, some you can’t. Build is one thing you can get under control, through diet and going to the gym.
But piling on muscles will only get you so far. I have a really messed up spine, so I’ve always been very conservative with my work-out routine. Though I had nice pecs and gluts, I had the flexibility of a scarecrow. This was evident in the way I walked, the way I moved, and yes the way I fucked.
When a dude moves smoothly at the hips, has great posture, is centered, my theory is women will translate that into how he’ll perform in bed. If he’s rigid and locked up when he walks, he’ll probably be the same way when he’s banging her.
Bottom line, you can’t ignore flexibility. To address this, I got myself into yoga. A couple times a week I took a class, and then did the same routine at home. My chest stretched back, my spine was erect, my hips were less tight.
Still, I felt deficient. There was resistance somewhere. A block. So I kept searching, until I discovered mixed martial arts (MMA).
You can build your body up, you can acquire amazing flexibility, but you still are missing several important ingredients. Guys who practice MMA are centered and grounded. Still, they are loose, letting forces move through their legs and core and out their arms. MMA aims to eliminate any physical resistance to energy, letting everything flow.
And so, we get back to Jackson Pollock. It all comes down to getting rid of all that resistance and simply being present, moving around obstacles like water around rocks, allowing for “pure harmony, an easy give and take.” Both in your head and in your body.
To look at the art of Pollock, you may not understand or appreciate what the fuck he was all about. But the fact is, he not only created a new style of art, but applied something nobody had previously done. Physicality.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackson_Pollock
The guy stood over his canvas which he laid out on the floor, and splattered, dripped and poured liquid paint over it. Til then, artists used easels and applied the paint with a brush.
Do you get it now?
No? Ok, let me explain. Or better yet, let’s allow Pollock to explain:
“My painting does not come from the easel. I prefer to tack the unstretched canvas to the hard wall or the floor. I need the resistance of a hard surface. On the floor I am more at ease. I feel nearer, more part of the painting, since this way I can walk around it, work from the four sides and literally be in the painting.”
“When I am in my painting, I'm not aware of what I'm doing. It is only after a sort of 'get acquainted' period that I see what I have been about. I have no fear of making changes, destroying the image, etc., because the painting has a life of its own. I try to let it come through. It is only when I lose contact with the painting that the result is a mess. Otherwise there is pure harmony, an easy give and take, and the painting comes out well.”
Wow, sound familiar? When I’m in field, I immerse myself in the experience, get out of my head, become totally present with the girl. I am not standing back, looking at things with a distant or objective eye, trying to micromanage my interaction. Pollock’s approach to painting is about the closest correlation you can get between art and being “in state.”
He worked through his entire body to create his art, not just his fingers and wrists. The dribblings you see are a direct manifestation of what he was doing with his entire body when the paint went air-borne. He – his body – went into his art. In a word, he was fully present with his canvas.
I am not a skier or surfer, but I’m told it’s very much the same. You must go with the flow, making small adjustments as needed, but essentially reacting from your core moment by moment.
So, as amazing as this state sounds, lots of guys have trouble getting there in field. I was one of them. My head was wall-to-wall noise, and it took a great deal of work to get to a place of being fully present without all that distracting static. Of course, my mind still wanders, but things are a billion times better now and this is perceptible by women.
The key, besides reading stuff by Tolle and watching the Blueprint, was getting in touch with my body. Which brings me to my main point: get your ass off the sofa and get the fuck in shape.
Women like physically attractive men. We can debate this point til the cows come home, but it’s my experience that all things being equal, most girls would rather fuck a hot dude. Some things you can alter or improve, some you can’t. Build is one thing you can get under control, through diet and going to the gym.
But piling on muscles will only get you so far. I have a really messed up spine, so I’ve always been very conservative with my work-out routine. Though I had nice pecs and gluts, I had the flexibility of a scarecrow. This was evident in the way I walked, the way I moved, and yes the way I fucked.
When a dude moves smoothly at the hips, has great posture, is centered, my theory is women will translate that into how he’ll perform in bed. If he’s rigid and locked up when he walks, he’ll probably be the same way when he’s banging her.
Bottom line, you can’t ignore flexibility. To address this, I got myself into yoga. A couple times a week I took a class, and then did the same routine at home. My chest stretched back, my spine was erect, my hips were less tight.
Still, I felt deficient. There was resistance somewhere. A block. So I kept searching, until I discovered mixed martial arts (MMA).
You can build your body up, you can acquire amazing flexibility, but you still are missing several important ingredients. Guys who practice MMA are centered and grounded. Still, they are loose, letting forces move through their legs and core and out their arms. MMA aims to eliminate any physical resistance to energy, letting everything flow.
And so, we get back to Jackson Pollock. It all comes down to getting rid of all that resistance and simply being present, moving around obstacles like water around rocks, allowing for “pure harmony, an easy give and take.” Both in your head and in your body.
You are Here
You made it. Welcome to my blog. The eagle has landed. Yeah me.
I spend a lot of time writing stuff about girls. I spend way more time thinking about them. So technically, this is an addiction. And now, dear friend, you are complicit. An enabler.
Congratulations.
Shall we begin?
I spend a lot of time writing stuff about girls. I spend way more time thinking about them. So technically, this is an addiction. And now, dear friend, you are complicit. An enabler.
Congratulations.
Shall we begin?
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