I see a lot of talk about what attributes dudes are looking for in girls, and it usually boils down to two: looks and personality. This is an incredibly myopic view, and if you stopped to think about it, you’d probably come up with many more desirable traits. Here now is a short list of mine…
1. Physical attractiveness
I’ve never had “a type,” but I found that as I went out more, my tastes broadened. I discovered I prefer Latinas, for example. Every guy has his own 10, and there is no right or wrong. Tall, short. Big tits, flat. Skinny, hefty. Red head, blonde.
I would recommend if you’re new to pickup, you keep an open mind. If you’re trying to learn how to be social, then imposing standards will ultimately be counter-productive; this is usually another excuse not to approach or move things forward. As your game improves, you can afford the luxury to be more selective, but at that point the other attributes listed below will probably begin to eclipse a girl’s beauty.
2. Emotional availability
Whether a girl is in a relationship or is guarded from a series of abusive boyfriends, many times a chick is simply not willing to open up. Often, girls will look for the slightest incongruence or weakness in a man, and at that point shut down. I find the two big red flags that cause this reaction are, a) being lied to, and b) being thought of as slutty.
I always weed out chicks who aren’t emotionally available, because I don’t have the desire to work that hard. If a girl is on the fence, then by me being honest (sometimes shockingly so) and transparent I can move them towards investing in our interaction.
3. Emotional stability and maturity
Some girls love drama. Some are using you to get back at a man or men in general. Plenty of chicks have major emotional issues. I’ve dated ladies with drug and alcohol abuse, anger management problems, you name it. I no longer allow those kinds of girls anywhere near me.
If you wanna be a girl’s daddy, and you enjoy babysitting on your dates, by all means go get em. I personally wouldn’t bother with any girl who brings me down because of her own insecurities or immaturity. Life’s too short.
Instead, I feel you should look for women who are nurturing, open with their feelings and willing to grow. Emotionally healthy women will elevate your game and your life. Learn from them.
4. Logistics
Some broads aren’t able to get away from their kids, or they live too far away, or they live with their parents, or they’re too busy with work to spend much time with you. This is one reason to have multiple girls, because you can’t always depend on one to be there for you anytime you want.
Try to find women who are logistically desirable, and do what you can to work with those who aren’t. This may mean getting a hotel room or banging in your car, or her driving to your place or getting a sitter for her kids. If she’s worth it, put the effort in to make it happen.
5. Financial stability
Plenty of women are looking for a dude to take care of them financially. They have no career plans, or are in debt, or have an expensive coke habit. You aren’t an ATM. Guys are typically expected to invest something financially in the relationship, but it is possible to find women who don’t need or want your money, and will in fact pay their way.
6. Energy
Girls can give off different energies. Some are bright and sunny. Others are dark and moody. I won’t tell you what kind of energy you should bring into your life, but personally I believe it’s a good idea to surround yourself with women who are positive. Energy is contagious. If you constantly spend your time around negative energy, you may find yourself succumbing to it.
7. Physical and mental health
If health is important to you, then make it a priority in your women. If you hate smokers, don’t date one. If you are fit, then date girls who are too. I tend to avoid girls who abuse or neglect their bodies, since this is telling me they lack respect for themselves.
Similar to the above on emotional stability, you can meet a girl who is truly mentally unwell. Before long you may find yourself dealing with her ups and downs, her trips to the ER for suicide attempts, her violent outbursts. Many mental disorders are inheritable, so realize if you have kids with a woman who is bipolar, you may be dooming your children. Plus, is this girl fit to be a mother?
8. Personality
Many guys are willing to overlook a chick’s personality if she’s hot. And a lot of hot girls have relied on their looks primarily, such that their personality is nothing memorable.
As with looks, I’d say be open to various kinds of personalities. Diversity is a good thing, and dealing with the many styles will help your future interactions.
Attributes I look for are humor, charm, wit, confidence, assertiveness and femininity. You should have a pretty clear idea eventually about what sorts of personalities you’re attracted to.
9. Sexuality
Some girls hate the cock. Some love it but act like they don’t. Some can’t live without it. I’ve been with girls who gave mind-blowing BJs, and others who didn’t even know how to kiss well. Certain chicks lay on their back like ragdolls, others are like trying to stay on a mechanical bull. You got your squirters, your ass fetishists, your BDSMers.
I won’t twist any girl’s arm for sex. I like a girl who is comfortable with her body, secure with her sexuality, adventurous, submissive and able to show me new things.
Demand sexual chemistry from your partners. Don’t settle for chicks who are frigid or who use sex as a bargaining tool.
10. Baggage
Everyone has something they aren’t proud of. The question is, how much slack will you give a girl? Everybody defines baggage differently. She’s had over 200 partners. She has 3 kids. She’s in the middle of a divorce. Some things may be acceptable to you, others may not. Remember, you probably have baggage as well that others may find unacceptable.
11. Similar interests and views
People think that this is of key importance. In my opinion, it’s nice when it happens, but isn’t necessary. My views and interests have changed a lot over my life, and so it may be for the women you meet. She may be a huge sports fan this year, but may be over it next year.
Screen women according to the things you find important in this regard, but don’t necessarily disqualify women if they don’t totally hold your opinions. I often seek women with interests unlike mine, so that I can learn new things.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Stop Fucking Around and Work on Your Lifestyle
Many PUAs get so submersed in the culture of the game that they never take a step back to see the bigger picture. Essentially, you are out there marketing a person.
Aside from needing great marketing skills, you must have a product worth pitching. How attractive is that person to women? Is he worth dating, pursuing, and taking home to meet the parents? Or is he a dude she’s embarrassed to introduce to her friends, a boy she can have some fun with and that’s all, a Mr. Right Now and nothing more?
If being a girl’s flavor of the week is your goal, then no need to read on. But if you’re out there trying to bring quality women into your life – and keep them there – then let’s take a look at how you can build a substantial lifestyle to meet this goal.
Passion
It is very clear to all women when they go on a date with me that I LOVE cinema. They also find out I’m a huge music fan, I’m crazy about good food, I help guys interact with women, and I consider my dog almost like a son. These are things I’m passionate about. There are many smaller interests and hobbies floating around, but when I speak about any of my true passions, it’s from a deeper emotional level.
A man who loves women and only women is a sad, sad little person. Girls may feel flattered and validated at first. However, as they scratch the surface to see what else is inside, and come up with nothing, they quickly lose attraction.
I’ve seen guys get up and dance so insanely bad that the room comes to a stand-still to watch. But that guy is completely submersed in the joy of dancing, and he becomes a star. So don’t worry about whether the object of your passion is cool or not; as long as you have things that turn you on, aside from chicks, you will appear cool.
If you don’t have anything, then go out and try new activities. Fencing, sky diving, feeding the homeless. Get your hands dirty and figure out what things move you spiritually. There are tons of meetup.com groups full of people willing to show you the ropes. Any moment in your life you meet a new woman, you should have multiple projects, activities and events going on.
Variety
Sports, video games and cars are guy things. If you like that stuff, fine. But you’re gonna need something more. Be able to speak in depth about a range of topics. Books, films, food, wine, politics, travel. You don’t necessarily need to hold opinions on these things, simply a basic awareness and appreciation. And then as you meet new people, gain insights that will embellish upon this awareness.
Assertiveness
Being assertive is a win in life, but especially when it comes to dating. You the man are expected to do everything, from approaching to proposing. It all falls on your shoulders. You are ultimately accountable for every aspect of the relationship. Sorry, bro, but that’s life.
To make shit happen, you must be assertive. If you see something needs to be said or done, you take the reigns and get it handled.
But lots of guys are not assertive enough. Typically, they are passive, and less often, aggressive. I will cover assertiveness in another article, but for now I direct you to the excellent book, Your Perfect Right, which has been the Bible on assertiveness for many decades.
Develop a lifestyle that cultivates assertiveness. In fact, if you tend to be passive, then injecting some aggressiveness can help. Examples are any contact sport or boxing. At very least, go work out at the gym (though this probably won’t be sufficient).
It may help to find work that requires assertiveness. One summer I walked around a mall and performed market research; cold approaching people and trying to get their opinion on shit for half an hour requires persistence.
Being Solid
Women typically expect the men in their lives to be solid: centered, balanced, grounded, present. This doesn’t mean boring and predictable. But it does mean that when she is being a girl, she can trust you will be there for her as a man.
Yoga is an excellent way to get out of your head and into your body, teaching people to find their center. You spend much of the time on your back (being grounded), must stand on one leg (being balanced), clear your head of thoughts (being present) and breathe through any discomfort you feel (being in your body). If you’re doing it right, you can’t help but shift your energy into your body, and specifically your center of being. Bikram yoga is an offshoot, putting you into a very hot and humid room for an hour and a half. If that’s not your style, then stick to old fashioned yoga, getting lessons at first and then performing it at home several times a week for an hour.
Martial arts can also help you to generate power from your core, to let energy move through you without blocking it, and to be present with your opponent.
Being in the Moment
Many people are not living in the now. They dwell on the past and future, and when things pop up they don’t react in time or from a place of authenticity. Having a lifestyle that keeps you on your feet will carry over into your interactions.
Improv is a classic example of an activity where you have to be in the moment. The funniest lines are usually ones that come out without premeditation. Your partner then feeds off of that, and a routine is born from thin air. Stopping to process and think kills this creative process.
As I mentioned above, boxing and martial arts can also help you be in the moment.
Girl Friends
Having chicks in your life is critical. You can bang em or not, but you should be surrounded by a lot of women. Friends who are girls will teach you about how they think, act and feel, and you will develop a better and healthier appreciation for women (as opposed to “targets” and “HBs”). A lot of the smoke girls blow as a diversion around men goes away, and you can peek into their minds, unfiltered; this can include why they bang or date certain guys (what works and what doesn’t), why they behave how they do in clubs, and what makes them laugh.
You don’t need to have hot girls around you, just a lot of em. This will naturally seem attractive to other (hotter) women. Besides the concept of preselection, having chicks in your life is a normal thing, and not having them can appear odd. So always be looking out for girls you can add to your social circle, and spend a lot of time with them.
Personal Ecosystem and Energy Drainers
People have clutter in their lives, and this crap can use up a bunch of their energy. We call these things energy drainers. This may include a messy home or car, friends who bring you down, money you owe, a bad relationship with your parents, or excess weight.
When I spar, I sometimes use muscles I don’t need. I overwork, and therefore get tired faster. A key to lasting longer is to relax the parts of your body that you don’t have to call upon. The same holds for any activity in your life; if you expend too much energy unwisely, you have less left over for constructive stuff.
Run an inventory of all the items that might be draining your energy and polluting your personal ecosystem. Clean shit up. If you can’t tackle a chore all at once, small chunk it down and do a bit at a time. Get help from others.
If you can resolve dysfunctional or draining relationships through assertiveness and open communication, then do so. If you can’t minimize the impact of these people, then try to eliminate them from your life.
Forms of Expression
You can learn to express yourself in many different ways. Learning to be open with your opinions and beliefs will carry over into your interactions. If you want to express yourself verbally, you can take up Toastmasters, improv or acting. If you want to move people emotionally, you can work through painting, sculpting, even food. If you express yourself physically, there’s dance and music.
At the other extreme is being closed off and stifled, incapable of expressing yourself in any aspect of your life. Or you may only express yourself through one channel like singing, but can’t open up verbally. Seek a healthy balance, where girls realize that among the many forms of expression, you take advantage of several methods, including verbal and sexual.
Stress Management
A lot of times our interactions fail because we’re thinking about other negative parts of our lives. Sometimes, we aren’t consciously paying attention to these things, but they are weighing our psyche down.
Learn to compartmentalize your life. Be present. That is, when you’re talking to a girl, you should only be focused on that interaction. Money and work have zero relevance at that very moment, so force those thoughts away until it’s relevant to address them.
When these stressors seep into your interactions subconsciously, you need to find a way to get them handled. Do research, ask others for advice, devise a course of action, whatever needs to be done to move in the right direction. Even without resolving the stress, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel can help a great deal.
You can relieve some of your stress through art or physical activity. Freud talked about sublimating your sexual energy in the form of creativity, basically transferring that energy into something more socially acceptable. As I described above, yoga is another way to get stress under control.
Aside from needing great marketing skills, you must have a product worth pitching. How attractive is that person to women? Is he worth dating, pursuing, and taking home to meet the parents? Or is he a dude she’s embarrassed to introduce to her friends, a boy she can have some fun with and that’s all, a Mr. Right Now and nothing more?
If being a girl’s flavor of the week is your goal, then no need to read on. But if you’re out there trying to bring quality women into your life – and keep them there – then let’s take a look at how you can build a substantial lifestyle to meet this goal.
Passion
It is very clear to all women when they go on a date with me that I LOVE cinema. They also find out I’m a huge music fan, I’m crazy about good food, I help guys interact with women, and I consider my dog almost like a son. These are things I’m passionate about. There are many smaller interests and hobbies floating around, but when I speak about any of my true passions, it’s from a deeper emotional level.
A man who loves women and only women is a sad, sad little person. Girls may feel flattered and validated at first. However, as they scratch the surface to see what else is inside, and come up with nothing, they quickly lose attraction.
I’ve seen guys get up and dance so insanely bad that the room comes to a stand-still to watch. But that guy is completely submersed in the joy of dancing, and he becomes a star. So don’t worry about whether the object of your passion is cool or not; as long as you have things that turn you on, aside from chicks, you will appear cool.
If you don’t have anything, then go out and try new activities. Fencing, sky diving, feeding the homeless. Get your hands dirty and figure out what things move you spiritually. There are tons of meetup.com groups full of people willing to show you the ropes. Any moment in your life you meet a new woman, you should have multiple projects, activities and events going on.
Variety
Sports, video games and cars are guy things. If you like that stuff, fine. But you’re gonna need something more. Be able to speak in depth about a range of topics. Books, films, food, wine, politics, travel. You don’t necessarily need to hold opinions on these things, simply a basic awareness and appreciation. And then as you meet new people, gain insights that will embellish upon this awareness.
Assertiveness
Being assertive is a win in life, but especially when it comes to dating. You the man are expected to do everything, from approaching to proposing. It all falls on your shoulders. You are ultimately accountable for every aspect of the relationship. Sorry, bro, but that’s life.
To make shit happen, you must be assertive. If you see something needs to be said or done, you take the reigns and get it handled.
But lots of guys are not assertive enough. Typically, they are passive, and less often, aggressive. I will cover assertiveness in another article, but for now I direct you to the excellent book, Your Perfect Right, which has been the Bible on assertiveness for many decades.
Develop a lifestyle that cultivates assertiveness. In fact, if you tend to be passive, then injecting some aggressiveness can help. Examples are any contact sport or boxing. At very least, go work out at the gym (though this probably won’t be sufficient).
It may help to find work that requires assertiveness. One summer I walked around a mall and performed market research; cold approaching people and trying to get their opinion on shit for half an hour requires persistence.
Being Solid
Women typically expect the men in their lives to be solid: centered, balanced, grounded, present. This doesn’t mean boring and predictable. But it does mean that when she is being a girl, she can trust you will be there for her as a man.
Yoga is an excellent way to get out of your head and into your body, teaching people to find their center. You spend much of the time on your back (being grounded), must stand on one leg (being balanced), clear your head of thoughts (being present) and breathe through any discomfort you feel (being in your body). If you’re doing it right, you can’t help but shift your energy into your body, and specifically your center of being. Bikram yoga is an offshoot, putting you into a very hot and humid room for an hour and a half. If that’s not your style, then stick to old fashioned yoga, getting lessons at first and then performing it at home several times a week for an hour.
Martial arts can also help you to generate power from your core, to let energy move through you without blocking it, and to be present with your opponent.
Being in the Moment
Many people are not living in the now. They dwell on the past and future, and when things pop up they don’t react in time or from a place of authenticity. Having a lifestyle that keeps you on your feet will carry over into your interactions.
Improv is a classic example of an activity where you have to be in the moment. The funniest lines are usually ones that come out without premeditation. Your partner then feeds off of that, and a routine is born from thin air. Stopping to process and think kills this creative process.
As I mentioned above, boxing and martial arts can also help you be in the moment.
Girl Friends
Having chicks in your life is critical. You can bang em or not, but you should be surrounded by a lot of women. Friends who are girls will teach you about how they think, act and feel, and you will develop a better and healthier appreciation for women (as opposed to “targets” and “HBs”). A lot of the smoke girls blow as a diversion around men goes away, and you can peek into their minds, unfiltered; this can include why they bang or date certain guys (what works and what doesn’t), why they behave how they do in clubs, and what makes them laugh.
You don’t need to have hot girls around you, just a lot of em. This will naturally seem attractive to other (hotter) women. Besides the concept of preselection, having chicks in your life is a normal thing, and not having them can appear odd. So always be looking out for girls you can add to your social circle, and spend a lot of time with them.
Personal Ecosystem and Energy Drainers
People have clutter in their lives, and this crap can use up a bunch of their energy. We call these things energy drainers. This may include a messy home or car, friends who bring you down, money you owe, a bad relationship with your parents, or excess weight.
When I spar, I sometimes use muscles I don’t need. I overwork, and therefore get tired faster. A key to lasting longer is to relax the parts of your body that you don’t have to call upon. The same holds for any activity in your life; if you expend too much energy unwisely, you have less left over for constructive stuff.
Run an inventory of all the items that might be draining your energy and polluting your personal ecosystem. Clean shit up. If you can’t tackle a chore all at once, small chunk it down and do a bit at a time. Get help from others.
If you can resolve dysfunctional or draining relationships through assertiveness and open communication, then do so. If you can’t minimize the impact of these people, then try to eliminate them from your life.
Forms of Expression
You can learn to express yourself in many different ways. Learning to be open with your opinions and beliefs will carry over into your interactions. If you want to express yourself verbally, you can take up Toastmasters, improv or acting. If you want to move people emotionally, you can work through painting, sculpting, even food. If you express yourself physically, there’s dance and music.
At the other extreme is being closed off and stifled, incapable of expressing yourself in any aspect of your life. Or you may only express yourself through one channel like singing, but can’t open up verbally. Seek a healthy balance, where girls realize that among the many forms of expression, you take advantage of several methods, including verbal and sexual.
Stress Management
A lot of times our interactions fail because we’re thinking about other negative parts of our lives. Sometimes, we aren’t consciously paying attention to these things, but they are weighing our psyche down.
Learn to compartmentalize your life. Be present. That is, when you’re talking to a girl, you should only be focused on that interaction. Money and work have zero relevance at that very moment, so force those thoughts away until it’s relevant to address them.
When these stressors seep into your interactions subconsciously, you need to find a way to get them handled. Do research, ask others for advice, devise a course of action, whatever needs to be done to move in the right direction. Even without resolving the stress, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel can help a great deal.
You can relieve some of your stress through art or physical activity. Freud talked about sublimating your sexual energy in the form of creativity, basically transferring that energy into something more socially acceptable. As I described above, yoga is another way to get stress under control.
Why I’m Not a PUA
Lo those many years ago, having had my world exploded watching that VH1 reality show, I set out on my path to become a pick-up artist. Somewhere along the way, I had made that transformation, but have since gone far beyond.
People (especially girls on dates with me) often laugh about that “pickup artist” they met in the bar, the guy who ran some routines and had an obvious agenda to push buttons.
And I know from experience that stuff works. You push buttons, get a quick rise out of girls, feed your ego. Maybe even get a speedy lay out of it.
What the women in my life miss from those encounters is the slow build of seduction, the man who doesn’t push buttons but is genuinely sexy inside and out. Hell, he barely has to lift a finger to get chicks wet. While that dude is curled up with his lover-to-be in a dark corner, the PUA is still jumping from set to set, gaming HBs and yes, still feeding his ego.
So here it is. I am not a pick-up artist.
And here’s why.
“Pick-up” is only one small part of me. Because I’m a dweeb, I drew this fantastic life-like self-portrait. My arms (C) represent my ability to pick up women (literally and figuratively). I don’t deny I still use many of the tactics and routines I found efficient and effective over the years. They are too habitual now to set them aside. Going out and being “myself” doesn’t work all that well. The game must be played, no doubt about it, and so I do still consider these tools useful.
People (especially girls on dates with me) often laugh about that “pickup artist” they met in the bar, the guy who ran some routines and had an obvious agenda to push buttons.
And I know from experience that stuff works. You push buttons, get a quick rise out of girls, feed your ego. Maybe even get a speedy lay out of it.
What the women in my life miss from those encounters is the slow build of seduction, the man who doesn’t push buttons but is genuinely sexy inside and out. Hell, he barely has to lift a finger to get chicks wet. While that dude is curled up with his lover-to-be in a dark corner, the PUA is still jumping from set to set, gaming HBs and yes, still feeding his ego.
So here it is. I am not a pick-up artist.
And here’s why.
“Pick-up” is only one small part of me. Because I’m a dweeb, I drew this fantastic life-like self-portrait. My arms (C) represent my ability to pick up women (literally and figuratively). I don’t deny I still use many of the tactics and routines I found efficient and effective over the years. They are too habitual now to set them aside. Going out and being “myself” doesn’t work all that well. The game must be played, no doubt about it, and so I do still consider these tools useful.
But look at everything else left over.
(A) is my inner game. My confidence, abundance mentality, humor, perseverance and so on. I am not at all the man I was before the community. I am mentally healthy, I have a much more profound understanding and appreciation of women, myself and social dynamics. All this has contributed greatly to the way I live my life, not simply how I interact with women.
(B) is my heart, my emotions, my love for women. Whether I’m “running game” or just lying in bed with a broad, my heart is over-flowing with awe at the feminine energy. The curves of her hips, her laugh, her willingness to be dominated. My interactions, when they’re at their best, have a huge amount to do with my ease at expressing my emotions in a way that is attractive.
(D) is my core, my gut. This is where I usually feel my energy, and the part of me that communicates with girls at that deeper level. This is the place that lets me calibrate, my instincts regarding how I’m doing with a chick, when to move things forward.
(E) is my Mr. Dandy. Not only my sex drive and desire to seduce, but my balls. A lot of dudes gaming girls leave their balls out of it; they never state their intent, don’t go after the chicks they really want to screw, try to be a friendly, sociable guy instead. Often they don’t even find the girl sexually attractive. I dunno, maybe they just game certain girls to impress their wings or write reports about em. Perhaps they’re simply drawn to the intellectual challenges the game has to offer. Either way, keeping your weiner out of the set is decidedly safe, but not particularly rewarding.
And finally (F) is my lifestyle. It’s everything going on in the background when I’m not with girls. The things I do to improve myself intellectually, physically, sexually. All the stuff that makes me cool. My lifestyle is my legs. Take it away, and I don’t have a leg to stand on. I’m just laying still on the ground, maybe looking up skirts.
(A) is my inner game. My confidence, abundance mentality, humor, perseverance and so on. I am not at all the man I was before the community. I am mentally healthy, I have a much more profound understanding and appreciation of women, myself and social dynamics. All this has contributed greatly to the way I live my life, not simply how I interact with women.
(B) is my heart, my emotions, my love for women. Whether I’m “running game” or just lying in bed with a broad, my heart is over-flowing with awe at the feminine energy. The curves of her hips, her laugh, her willingness to be dominated. My interactions, when they’re at their best, have a huge amount to do with my ease at expressing my emotions in a way that is attractive.
(D) is my core, my gut. This is where I usually feel my energy, and the part of me that communicates with girls at that deeper level. This is the place that lets me calibrate, my instincts regarding how I’m doing with a chick, when to move things forward.
(E) is my Mr. Dandy. Not only my sex drive and desire to seduce, but my balls. A lot of dudes gaming girls leave their balls out of it; they never state their intent, don’t go after the chicks they really want to screw, try to be a friendly, sociable guy instead. Often they don’t even find the girl sexually attractive. I dunno, maybe they just game certain girls to impress their wings or write reports about em. Perhaps they’re simply drawn to the intellectual challenges the game has to offer. Either way, keeping your weiner out of the set is decidedly safe, but not particularly rewarding.
And finally (F) is my lifestyle. It’s everything going on in the background when I’m not with girls. The things I do to improve myself intellectually, physically, sexually. All the stuff that makes me cool. My lifestyle is my legs. Take it away, and I don’t have a leg to stand on. I’m just laying still on the ground, maybe looking up skirts.
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