An old article of mine has just been translated into French....
10 choses a savoir surles femmes
Here's the English version...
10 things it took me 39 years to learn about women
I've been busy as ever, helping guys all around the country. Work's been hectic, so I haven't had much time to update the blog. Coming soon: an upcoming article for the emagazine Interesting Times, holiday edition. Stay tuned...
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Be a Champ: Living with Intention
You see a cutie at a bookstore and devise a plan to get wit her. Sounds good brother! Problem is, shit crops up, and it tries to derail you every fucking step of the way…
Step One: Approach her
You step to her, but at that very moment, her cell goes off. You abort and reach for a book to save face.
Step Two: Game her
She hangs up and you do finally open her and spit some game. She’s digging you, but the bookstore is closing. You’re forced to leave before the moment feels right to get her number.
Step Three: Get her digits
The two of you keep talking outside. Things are going swell, so you give her your phone and tell her to punch in her number. “Awww…I have a boyfriend,” she apologizes. But you keep chatting her up and finally she admits they’ve broken up a few times and the relationship has been mostly strained. Nice! You invite her to hang out in a few days.
Step Four: Take her out
The time comes to meet up, but she gives you a last-minute excuse about needing to hang out with her dad. You reschedule, she flakes, you reschedule, she flakes. Finally, with enough persistence and game, the two of you meet up.
Step Five: Close the deal
It’s going smoothly. You get her back to your pad and make out, but she resists getting totally undressed. After two hours of foreplay she surrenders and you seduce her. Lay report to follow.
We can all relate to having goals, even these very goals. You see a lovely girl and then a flood of ideas similar to the above pops into your head, planted there by well-meaning fellas like myself…
THE GAME PLAN: approach, gain attraction, take her number, run text game, work logistics, get her out, escalate, pull, close.
By themselves however, these goals may or may not be enough. When they aren’t – as is so often the case – you need something else you can fall back on, something broader and more powerful.
That something is your intention.
Goal vs Intention
So what’s the diff?
The intention was that thought which clicked on in your head when you saw the hottie: “I am going to seduce her.” It’s your internal call to action.
That plan may not be possible. It may in fact have absolutely no basis in reality. It may be so outside your comfort zone and beyond your skill set that the chances of it coming to fruition are as unlikely as a good Jennifer Aniston film.
But intentions don’t care about all that. “I am going to seduce her. Let’s make it happen. Go.”
You set your intention, and then you go about finding ways to bring it into reality. Often you will need to create a series of goals, such as the above. Many times, though, the universe will sort itself out automagically, seemingly with little effort on your part, where everything falls into place.
Goals are at the service of your intention. When certain goals fail (her phone goes off as you approach, she’s got a boyfriend, she keeps flaking), you can always abandon that particular goal and fall back onto your intention for further guidance. Your unwavering intention will then compel you to seek out, stumble upon or invent new goals to see you through.
Outcome Dependence
If you were to live simply by a series of goals without a well-defined intention, then you are operating with dependence on the outcome. And if that outcome fails to result, you’re fucked.
An intention is that inner voice moving you forward, regardless of whether the outcome is even possible. “I intend to seduce that girl, although I’m not positive it can be done.” Hence, outcome independent.
Plenty of people don’t set their intention before mapping out their plan. Are you one of them? They instead analyze the risks, rewards, probabilities and resources, and then once discouraged, abandon their outcome as highly unlikely. In effect, they have allowed the outcome to derail their efforts well before making up their minds to take action.
Many times, one’s happiness relies on the attainment of these goals, rather than on the intention-driven process itself. As such, any day not spent living one’s goals is an unpleasant day, whereas one can easily find fulfillment when living through intentions, even if one’s goals have not been met.
People focused on intentions are living in the present moment, whereas guys constantly aiming at goals are always living in the elusive future.
Mindfulness
You may hear this term tossed around by Buddhists. To be mindful means to be living in the now, present with your own inner states.
While it can be impossible to be aware of all stimuli bombarding you at every moment, you can realize how these factors are affecting you. Do they make you feel anxious, confused, scared, happy? Connecting with your reactions, observing them without judgment, is being mindful.
We speak of being mindful because without it (and clarity) we cannot be in tune with our core values or intentions.
Clarity
Prior to setting your intention, you must be internally clear about what it is you desire. Any intention you create may be undermined by other thoughts:
“I will seduce her…but…she’s out of my league, she’s reading a book, my breath smells, my last girlfriend cheated on me…”
That intention then becomes obscured. Being clear means uncluttering both your conscious and subconscious minds of all this jibber jabber. For more tips, check out my article on Clarity.
When you are clear within, it becomes easier to telegraph your intentions more effectively to others. Even when you speak succinctly, women can typically tell when you’re suffering from inner conflict and chaos. All channels of communication – physical, verbal and other non-verbal – must be congruent, or else any mismatch will be interpreted as lack of clarity.
Values
What drives your intentions is your set of core values, not to be confused with the superficial values that society and upbringing have convinced you are important. I had this chat with a student recently:
Me: So why are you attracted to that broad?
Him: Look at her! She’s smoking!
Me: And why is that important? Besides that it turns you on, what else?
Him: I don’t wanna bang ugs. Or if I did, I wouldn’t tell my boys about her.
Me: Hmm, so then it’s important your friends see you with hot girls?
Him: Totally.
Me: Ok, then sounds like what you value is being accepted by your friends.
Banging a hottie is fantastic and heroic, but often we are driven by deeper values, like in this case peer acceptance.
According to authors Patrick Williams and Diane Menendez, you can start by categorizing your values into three main headings: experiencing, creating and being. From each of these, determine which values most resonate within you, and then align your intentions with these values each and every day.
Experiencing: exploring, athletics, dancing, seeking pleasure, leading, nurturing.
Creating: clarifying, originality, innovating, playing, designing.
Being: integrity, peace, spirituality, loyalty, empathy.
When your intentions and values are in alignment, you find yourself at peace, energized and happy. When they aren’t, life seems turbulent, unfulfilling and lacking direction.
Accountability
A man of integrity who makes a promise will do everything within his power to keep that promise. He has resolve and discipline…whether that promise is to himself or others. He holds himself personally accountable.
You must begin with a reasonable plan. Say I set as my intention, get into better shape. If one goal included working out five times a week then I would fail. This is not gonna happen. I’m way too busy. Three times a week is reasonable, and so that would be a realistic goal.
However, once I’ve created a workable series of goals, I must then hold myself accountable to drag my ass to the gym as I promised myself. No excuses, no procrastination, no negotiations.
So to sum it up: be mindful and clear about what your deep values are, create intentions which are in alignment with these values, devise goals that will bring your intentions into being, and then hold yourself accountable to take action.
Now get out there, fuckers! xoxo
Step One: Approach her
You step to her, but at that very moment, her cell goes off. You abort and reach for a book to save face.
Step Two: Game her
She hangs up and you do finally open her and spit some game. She’s digging you, but the bookstore is closing. You’re forced to leave before the moment feels right to get her number.
Step Three: Get her digits
The two of you keep talking outside. Things are going swell, so you give her your phone and tell her to punch in her number. “Awww…I have a boyfriend,” she apologizes. But you keep chatting her up and finally she admits they’ve broken up a few times and the relationship has been mostly strained. Nice! You invite her to hang out in a few days.
Step Four: Take her out
The time comes to meet up, but she gives you a last-minute excuse about needing to hang out with her dad. You reschedule, she flakes, you reschedule, she flakes. Finally, with enough persistence and game, the two of you meet up.
Step Five: Close the deal
It’s going smoothly. You get her back to your pad and make out, but she resists getting totally undressed. After two hours of foreplay she surrenders and you seduce her. Lay report to follow.
We can all relate to having goals, even these very goals. You see a lovely girl and then a flood of ideas similar to the above pops into your head, planted there by well-meaning fellas like myself…
THE GAME PLAN: approach, gain attraction, take her number, run text game, work logistics, get her out, escalate, pull, close.
By themselves however, these goals may or may not be enough. When they aren’t – as is so often the case – you need something else you can fall back on, something broader and more powerful.
That something is your intention.
Goal vs Intention
So what’s the diff?
The intention was that thought which clicked on in your head when you saw the hottie: “I am going to seduce her.” It’s your internal call to action.
That plan may not be possible. It may in fact have absolutely no basis in reality. It may be so outside your comfort zone and beyond your skill set that the chances of it coming to fruition are as unlikely as a good Jennifer Aniston film.
But intentions don’t care about all that. “I am going to seduce her. Let’s make it happen. Go.”
You set your intention, and then you go about finding ways to bring it into reality. Often you will need to create a series of goals, such as the above. Many times, though, the universe will sort itself out automagically, seemingly with little effort on your part, where everything falls into place.
Goals are at the service of your intention. When certain goals fail (her phone goes off as you approach, she’s got a boyfriend, she keeps flaking), you can always abandon that particular goal and fall back onto your intention for further guidance. Your unwavering intention will then compel you to seek out, stumble upon or invent new goals to see you through.
Outcome Dependence
If you were to live simply by a series of goals without a well-defined intention, then you are operating with dependence on the outcome. And if that outcome fails to result, you’re fucked.
An intention is that inner voice moving you forward, regardless of whether the outcome is even possible. “I intend to seduce that girl, although I’m not positive it can be done.” Hence, outcome independent.
Plenty of people don’t set their intention before mapping out their plan. Are you one of them? They instead analyze the risks, rewards, probabilities and resources, and then once discouraged, abandon their outcome as highly unlikely. In effect, they have allowed the outcome to derail their efforts well before making up their minds to take action.
Many times, one’s happiness relies on the attainment of these goals, rather than on the intention-driven process itself. As such, any day not spent living one’s goals is an unpleasant day, whereas one can easily find fulfillment when living through intentions, even if one’s goals have not been met.
People focused on intentions are living in the present moment, whereas guys constantly aiming at goals are always living in the elusive future.
Mindfulness
You may hear this term tossed around by Buddhists. To be mindful means to be living in the now, present with your own inner states.
While it can be impossible to be aware of all stimuli bombarding you at every moment, you can realize how these factors are affecting you. Do they make you feel anxious, confused, scared, happy? Connecting with your reactions, observing them without judgment, is being mindful.
We speak of being mindful because without it (and clarity) we cannot be in tune with our core values or intentions.
Clarity
Prior to setting your intention, you must be internally clear about what it is you desire. Any intention you create may be undermined by other thoughts:
“I will seduce her…but…she’s out of my league, she’s reading a book, my breath smells, my last girlfriend cheated on me…”
That intention then becomes obscured. Being clear means uncluttering both your conscious and subconscious minds of all this jibber jabber. For more tips, check out my article on Clarity.
When you are clear within, it becomes easier to telegraph your intentions more effectively to others. Even when you speak succinctly, women can typically tell when you’re suffering from inner conflict and chaos. All channels of communication – physical, verbal and other non-verbal – must be congruent, or else any mismatch will be interpreted as lack of clarity.
Values
What drives your intentions is your set of core values, not to be confused with the superficial values that society and upbringing have convinced you are important. I had this chat with a student recently:
Me: So why are you attracted to that broad?
Him: Look at her! She’s smoking!
Me: And why is that important? Besides that it turns you on, what else?
Him: I don’t wanna bang ugs. Or if I did, I wouldn’t tell my boys about her.
Me: Hmm, so then it’s important your friends see you with hot girls?
Him: Totally.
Me: Ok, then sounds like what you value is being accepted by your friends.
Banging a hottie is fantastic and heroic, but often we are driven by deeper values, like in this case peer acceptance.
According to authors Patrick Williams and Diane Menendez, you can start by categorizing your values into three main headings: experiencing, creating and being. From each of these, determine which values most resonate within you, and then align your intentions with these values each and every day.
Experiencing: exploring, athletics, dancing, seeking pleasure, leading, nurturing.
Creating: clarifying, originality, innovating, playing, designing.
Being: integrity, peace, spirituality, loyalty, empathy.
When your intentions and values are in alignment, you find yourself at peace, energized and happy. When they aren’t, life seems turbulent, unfulfilling and lacking direction.
Accountability
A man of integrity who makes a promise will do everything within his power to keep that promise. He has resolve and discipline…whether that promise is to himself or others. He holds himself personally accountable.
You must begin with a reasonable plan. Say I set as my intention, get into better shape. If one goal included working out five times a week then I would fail. This is not gonna happen. I’m way too busy. Three times a week is reasonable, and so that would be a realistic goal.
However, once I’ve created a workable series of goals, I must then hold myself accountable to drag my ass to the gym as I promised myself. No excuses, no procrastination, no negotiations.
So to sum it up: be mindful and clear about what your deep values are, create intentions which are in alignment with these values, devise goals that will bring your intentions into being, and then hold yourself accountable to take action.
Now get out there, fuckers! xoxo
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Stuff I like about dames
I see a lot of talk about what attributes dudes are looking for in girls, and it usually boils down to two: looks and personality. This is an incredibly myopic view, and if you stopped to think about it, you’d probably come up with many more desirable traits. Here now is a short list of mine…
1. Physical attractiveness
I’ve never had “a type,” but I found that as I went out more, my tastes broadened. I discovered I prefer Latinas, for example. Every guy has his own 10, and there is no right or wrong. Tall, short. Big tits, flat. Skinny, hefty. Red head, blonde.
I would recommend if you’re new to pickup, you keep an open mind. If you’re trying to learn how to be social, then imposing standards will ultimately be counter-productive; this is usually another excuse not to approach or move things forward. As your game improves, you can afford the luxury to be more selective, but at that point the other attributes listed below will probably begin to eclipse a girl’s beauty.
2. Emotional availability
Whether a girl is in a relationship or is guarded from a series of abusive boyfriends, many times a chick is simply not willing to open up. Often, girls will look for the slightest incongruence or weakness in a man, and at that point shut down. I find the two big red flags that cause this reaction are, a) being lied to, and b) being thought of as slutty.
I always weed out chicks who aren’t emotionally available, because I don’t have the desire to work that hard. If a girl is on the fence, then by me being honest (sometimes shockingly so) and transparent I can move them towards investing in our interaction.
3. Emotional stability and maturity
Some girls love drama. Some are using you to get back at a man or men in general. Plenty of chicks have major emotional issues. I’ve dated ladies with drug and alcohol abuse, anger management problems, you name it. I no longer allow those kinds of girls anywhere near me.
If you wanna be a girl’s daddy, and you enjoy babysitting on your dates, by all means go get em. I personally wouldn’t bother with any girl who brings me down because of her own insecurities or immaturity. Life’s too short.
Instead, I feel you should look for women who are nurturing, open with their feelings and willing to grow. Emotionally healthy women will elevate your game and your life. Learn from them.
4. Logistics
Some broads aren’t able to get away from their kids, or they live too far away, or they live with their parents, or they’re too busy with work to spend much time with you. This is one reason to have multiple girls, because you can’t always depend on one to be there for you anytime you want.
Try to find women who are logistically desirable, and do what you can to work with those who aren’t. This may mean getting a hotel room or banging in your car, or her driving to your place or getting a sitter for her kids. If she’s worth it, put the effort in to make it happen.
5. Financial stability
Plenty of women are looking for a dude to take care of them financially. They have no career plans, or are in debt, or have an expensive coke habit. You aren’t an ATM. Guys are typically expected to invest something financially in the relationship, but it is possible to find women who don’t need or want your money, and will in fact pay their way.
6. Energy
Girls can give off different energies. Some are bright and sunny. Others are dark and moody. I won’t tell you what kind of energy you should bring into your life, but personally I believe it’s a good idea to surround yourself with women who are positive. Energy is contagious. If you constantly spend your time around negative energy, you may find yourself succumbing to it.
7. Physical and mental health
If health is important to you, then make it a priority in your women. If you hate smokers, don’t date one. If you are fit, then date girls who are too. I tend to avoid girls who abuse or neglect their bodies, since this is telling me they lack respect for themselves.
Similar to the above on emotional stability, you can meet a girl who is truly mentally unwell. Before long you may find yourself dealing with her ups and downs, her trips to the ER for suicide attempts, her violent outbursts. Many mental disorders are inheritable, so realize if you have kids with a woman who is bipolar, you may be dooming your children. Plus, is this girl fit to be a mother?
8. Personality
Many guys are willing to overlook a chick’s personality if she’s hot. And a lot of hot girls have relied on their looks primarily, such that their personality is nothing memorable.
As with looks, I’d say be open to various kinds of personalities. Diversity is a good thing, and dealing with the many styles will help your future interactions.
Attributes I look for are humor, charm, wit, confidence, assertiveness and femininity. You should have a pretty clear idea eventually about what sorts of personalities you’re attracted to.
9. Sexuality
Some girls hate the cock. Some love it but act like they don’t. Some can’t live without it. I’ve been with girls who gave mind-blowing BJs, and others who didn’t even know how to kiss well. Certain chicks lay on their back like ragdolls, others are like trying to stay on a mechanical bull. You got your squirters, your ass fetishists, your BDSMers.
I won’t twist any girl’s arm for sex. I like a girl who is comfortable with her body, secure with her sexuality, adventurous, submissive and able to show me new things.
Demand sexual chemistry from your partners. Don’t settle for chicks who are frigid or who use sex as a bargaining tool.
10. Baggage
Everyone has something they aren’t proud of. The question is, how much slack will you give a girl? Everybody defines baggage differently. She’s had over 200 partners. She has 3 kids. She’s in the middle of a divorce. Some things may be acceptable to you, others may not. Remember, you probably have baggage as well that others may find unacceptable.
11. Similar interests and views
People think that this is of key importance. In my opinion, it’s nice when it happens, but isn’t necessary. My views and interests have changed a lot over my life, and so it may be for the women you meet. She may be a huge sports fan this year, but may be over it next year.
Screen women according to the things you find important in this regard, but don’t necessarily disqualify women if they don’t totally hold your opinions. I often seek women with interests unlike mine, so that I can learn new things.
1. Physical attractiveness
I’ve never had “a type,” but I found that as I went out more, my tastes broadened. I discovered I prefer Latinas, for example. Every guy has his own 10, and there is no right or wrong. Tall, short. Big tits, flat. Skinny, hefty. Red head, blonde.
I would recommend if you’re new to pickup, you keep an open mind. If you’re trying to learn how to be social, then imposing standards will ultimately be counter-productive; this is usually another excuse not to approach or move things forward. As your game improves, you can afford the luxury to be more selective, but at that point the other attributes listed below will probably begin to eclipse a girl’s beauty.
2. Emotional availability
Whether a girl is in a relationship or is guarded from a series of abusive boyfriends, many times a chick is simply not willing to open up. Often, girls will look for the slightest incongruence or weakness in a man, and at that point shut down. I find the two big red flags that cause this reaction are, a) being lied to, and b) being thought of as slutty.
I always weed out chicks who aren’t emotionally available, because I don’t have the desire to work that hard. If a girl is on the fence, then by me being honest (sometimes shockingly so) and transparent I can move them towards investing in our interaction.
3. Emotional stability and maturity
Some girls love drama. Some are using you to get back at a man or men in general. Plenty of chicks have major emotional issues. I’ve dated ladies with drug and alcohol abuse, anger management problems, you name it. I no longer allow those kinds of girls anywhere near me.
If you wanna be a girl’s daddy, and you enjoy babysitting on your dates, by all means go get em. I personally wouldn’t bother with any girl who brings me down because of her own insecurities or immaturity. Life’s too short.
Instead, I feel you should look for women who are nurturing, open with their feelings and willing to grow. Emotionally healthy women will elevate your game and your life. Learn from them.
4. Logistics
Some broads aren’t able to get away from their kids, or they live too far away, or they live with their parents, or they’re too busy with work to spend much time with you. This is one reason to have multiple girls, because you can’t always depend on one to be there for you anytime you want.
Try to find women who are logistically desirable, and do what you can to work with those who aren’t. This may mean getting a hotel room or banging in your car, or her driving to your place or getting a sitter for her kids. If she’s worth it, put the effort in to make it happen.
5. Financial stability
Plenty of women are looking for a dude to take care of them financially. They have no career plans, or are in debt, or have an expensive coke habit. You aren’t an ATM. Guys are typically expected to invest something financially in the relationship, but it is possible to find women who don’t need or want your money, and will in fact pay their way.
6. Energy
Girls can give off different energies. Some are bright and sunny. Others are dark and moody. I won’t tell you what kind of energy you should bring into your life, but personally I believe it’s a good idea to surround yourself with women who are positive. Energy is contagious. If you constantly spend your time around negative energy, you may find yourself succumbing to it.
7. Physical and mental health
If health is important to you, then make it a priority in your women. If you hate smokers, don’t date one. If you are fit, then date girls who are too. I tend to avoid girls who abuse or neglect their bodies, since this is telling me they lack respect for themselves.
Similar to the above on emotional stability, you can meet a girl who is truly mentally unwell. Before long you may find yourself dealing with her ups and downs, her trips to the ER for suicide attempts, her violent outbursts. Many mental disorders are inheritable, so realize if you have kids with a woman who is bipolar, you may be dooming your children. Plus, is this girl fit to be a mother?
8. Personality
Many guys are willing to overlook a chick’s personality if she’s hot. And a lot of hot girls have relied on their looks primarily, such that their personality is nothing memorable.
As with looks, I’d say be open to various kinds of personalities. Diversity is a good thing, and dealing with the many styles will help your future interactions.
Attributes I look for are humor, charm, wit, confidence, assertiveness and femininity. You should have a pretty clear idea eventually about what sorts of personalities you’re attracted to.
9. Sexuality
Some girls hate the cock. Some love it but act like they don’t. Some can’t live without it. I’ve been with girls who gave mind-blowing BJs, and others who didn’t even know how to kiss well. Certain chicks lay on their back like ragdolls, others are like trying to stay on a mechanical bull. You got your squirters, your ass fetishists, your BDSMers.
I won’t twist any girl’s arm for sex. I like a girl who is comfortable with her body, secure with her sexuality, adventurous, submissive and able to show me new things.
Demand sexual chemistry from your partners. Don’t settle for chicks who are frigid or who use sex as a bargaining tool.
10. Baggage
Everyone has something they aren’t proud of. The question is, how much slack will you give a girl? Everybody defines baggage differently. She’s had over 200 partners. She has 3 kids. She’s in the middle of a divorce. Some things may be acceptable to you, others may not. Remember, you probably have baggage as well that others may find unacceptable.
11. Similar interests and views
People think that this is of key importance. In my opinion, it’s nice when it happens, but isn’t necessary. My views and interests have changed a lot over my life, and so it may be for the women you meet. She may be a huge sports fan this year, but may be over it next year.
Screen women according to the things you find important in this regard, but don’t necessarily disqualify women if they don’t totally hold your opinions. I often seek women with interests unlike mine, so that I can learn new things.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Stop Fucking Around and Work on Your Lifestyle
Many PUAs get so submersed in the culture of the game that they never take a step back to see the bigger picture. Essentially, you are out there marketing a person.
Aside from needing great marketing skills, you must have a product worth pitching. How attractive is that person to women? Is he worth dating, pursuing, and taking home to meet the parents? Or is he a dude she’s embarrassed to introduce to her friends, a boy she can have some fun with and that’s all, a Mr. Right Now and nothing more?
If being a girl’s flavor of the week is your goal, then no need to read on. But if you’re out there trying to bring quality women into your life – and keep them there – then let’s take a look at how you can build a substantial lifestyle to meet this goal.
Passion
It is very clear to all women when they go on a date with me that I LOVE cinema. They also find out I’m a huge music fan, I’m crazy about good food, I help guys interact with women, and I consider my dog almost like a son. These are things I’m passionate about. There are many smaller interests and hobbies floating around, but when I speak about any of my true passions, it’s from a deeper emotional level.
A man who loves women and only women is a sad, sad little person. Girls may feel flattered and validated at first. However, as they scratch the surface to see what else is inside, and come up with nothing, they quickly lose attraction.
I’ve seen guys get up and dance so insanely bad that the room comes to a stand-still to watch. But that guy is completely submersed in the joy of dancing, and he becomes a star. So don’t worry about whether the object of your passion is cool or not; as long as you have things that turn you on, aside from chicks, you will appear cool.
If you don’t have anything, then go out and try new activities. Fencing, sky diving, feeding the homeless. Get your hands dirty and figure out what things move you spiritually. There are tons of meetup.com groups full of people willing to show you the ropes. Any moment in your life you meet a new woman, you should have multiple projects, activities and events going on.
Variety
Sports, video games and cars are guy things. If you like that stuff, fine. But you’re gonna need something more. Be able to speak in depth about a range of topics. Books, films, food, wine, politics, travel. You don’t necessarily need to hold opinions on these things, simply a basic awareness and appreciation. And then as you meet new people, gain insights that will embellish upon this awareness.
Assertiveness
Being assertive is a win in life, but especially when it comes to dating. You the man are expected to do everything, from approaching to proposing. It all falls on your shoulders. You are ultimately accountable for every aspect of the relationship. Sorry, bro, but that’s life.
To make shit happen, you must be assertive. If you see something needs to be said or done, you take the reigns and get it handled.
But lots of guys are not assertive enough. Typically, they are passive, and less often, aggressive. I will cover assertiveness in another article, but for now I direct you to the excellent book, Your Perfect Right, which has been the Bible on assertiveness for many decades.
Develop a lifestyle that cultivates assertiveness. In fact, if you tend to be passive, then injecting some aggressiveness can help. Examples are any contact sport or boxing. At very least, go work out at the gym (though this probably won’t be sufficient).
It may help to find work that requires assertiveness. One summer I walked around a mall and performed market research; cold approaching people and trying to get their opinion on shit for half an hour requires persistence.
Being Solid
Women typically expect the men in their lives to be solid: centered, balanced, grounded, present. This doesn’t mean boring and predictable. But it does mean that when she is being a girl, she can trust you will be there for her as a man.
Yoga is an excellent way to get out of your head and into your body, teaching people to find their center. You spend much of the time on your back (being grounded), must stand on one leg (being balanced), clear your head of thoughts (being present) and breathe through any discomfort you feel (being in your body). If you’re doing it right, you can’t help but shift your energy into your body, and specifically your center of being. Bikram yoga is an offshoot, putting you into a very hot and humid room for an hour and a half. If that’s not your style, then stick to old fashioned yoga, getting lessons at first and then performing it at home several times a week for an hour.
Martial arts can also help you to generate power from your core, to let energy move through you without blocking it, and to be present with your opponent.
Being in the Moment
Many people are not living in the now. They dwell on the past and future, and when things pop up they don’t react in time or from a place of authenticity. Having a lifestyle that keeps you on your feet will carry over into your interactions.
Improv is a classic example of an activity where you have to be in the moment. The funniest lines are usually ones that come out without premeditation. Your partner then feeds off of that, and a routine is born from thin air. Stopping to process and think kills this creative process.
As I mentioned above, boxing and martial arts can also help you be in the moment.
Girl Friends
Having chicks in your life is critical. You can bang em or not, but you should be surrounded by a lot of women. Friends who are girls will teach you about how they think, act and feel, and you will develop a better and healthier appreciation for women (as opposed to “targets” and “HBs”). A lot of the smoke girls blow as a diversion around men goes away, and you can peek into their minds, unfiltered; this can include why they bang or date certain guys (what works and what doesn’t), why they behave how they do in clubs, and what makes them laugh.
You don’t need to have hot girls around you, just a lot of em. This will naturally seem attractive to other (hotter) women. Besides the concept of preselection, having chicks in your life is a normal thing, and not having them can appear odd. So always be looking out for girls you can add to your social circle, and spend a lot of time with them.
Personal Ecosystem and Energy Drainers
People have clutter in their lives, and this crap can use up a bunch of their energy. We call these things energy drainers. This may include a messy home or car, friends who bring you down, money you owe, a bad relationship with your parents, or excess weight.
When I spar, I sometimes use muscles I don’t need. I overwork, and therefore get tired faster. A key to lasting longer is to relax the parts of your body that you don’t have to call upon. The same holds for any activity in your life; if you expend too much energy unwisely, you have less left over for constructive stuff.
Run an inventory of all the items that might be draining your energy and polluting your personal ecosystem. Clean shit up. If you can’t tackle a chore all at once, small chunk it down and do a bit at a time. Get help from others.
If you can resolve dysfunctional or draining relationships through assertiveness and open communication, then do so. If you can’t minimize the impact of these people, then try to eliminate them from your life.
Forms of Expression
You can learn to express yourself in many different ways. Learning to be open with your opinions and beliefs will carry over into your interactions. If you want to express yourself verbally, you can take up Toastmasters, improv or acting. If you want to move people emotionally, you can work through painting, sculpting, even food. If you express yourself physically, there’s dance and music.
At the other extreme is being closed off and stifled, incapable of expressing yourself in any aspect of your life. Or you may only express yourself through one channel like singing, but can’t open up verbally. Seek a healthy balance, where girls realize that among the many forms of expression, you take advantage of several methods, including verbal and sexual.
Stress Management
A lot of times our interactions fail because we’re thinking about other negative parts of our lives. Sometimes, we aren’t consciously paying attention to these things, but they are weighing our psyche down.
Learn to compartmentalize your life. Be present. That is, when you’re talking to a girl, you should only be focused on that interaction. Money and work have zero relevance at that very moment, so force those thoughts away until it’s relevant to address them.
When these stressors seep into your interactions subconsciously, you need to find a way to get them handled. Do research, ask others for advice, devise a course of action, whatever needs to be done to move in the right direction. Even without resolving the stress, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel can help a great deal.
You can relieve some of your stress through art or physical activity. Freud talked about sublimating your sexual energy in the form of creativity, basically transferring that energy into something more socially acceptable. As I described above, yoga is another way to get stress under control.
Aside from needing great marketing skills, you must have a product worth pitching. How attractive is that person to women? Is he worth dating, pursuing, and taking home to meet the parents? Or is he a dude she’s embarrassed to introduce to her friends, a boy she can have some fun with and that’s all, a Mr. Right Now and nothing more?
If being a girl’s flavor of the week is your goal, then no need to read on. But if you’re out there trying to bring quality women into your life – and keep them there – then let’s take a look at how you can build a substantial lifestyle to meet this goal.
Passion
It is very clear to all women when they go on a date with me that I LOVE cinema. They also find out I’m a huge music fan, I’m crazy about good food, I help guys interact with women, and I consider my dog almost like a son. These are things I’m passionate about. There are many smaller interests and hobbies floating around, but when I speak about any of my true passions, it’s from a deeper emotional level.
A man who loves women and only women is a sad, sad little person. Girls may feel flattered and validated at first. However, as they scratch the surface to see what else is inside, and come up with nothing, they quickly lose attraction.
I’ve seen guys get up and dance so insanely bad that the room comes to a stand-still to watch. But that guy is completely submersed in the joy of dancing, and he becomes a star. So don’t worry about whether the object of your passion is cool or not; as long as you have things that turn you on, aside from chicks, you will appear cool.
If you don’t have anything, then go out and try new activities. Fencing, sky diving, feeding the homeless. Get your hands dirty and figure out what things move you spiritually. There are tons of meetup.com groups full of people willing to show you the ropes. Any moment in your life you meet a new woman, you should have multiple projects, activities and events going on.
Variety
Sports, video games and cars are guy things. If you like that stuff, fine. But you’re gonna need something more. Be able to speak in depth about a range of topics. Books, films, food, wine, politics, travel. You don’t necessarily need to hold opinions on these things, simply a basic awareness and appreciation. And then as you meet new people, gain insights that will embellish upon this awareness.
Assertiveness
Being assertive is a win in life, but especially when it comes to dating. You the man are expected to do everything, from approaching to proposing. It all falls on your shoulders. You are ultimately accountable for every aspect of the relationship. Sorry, bro, but that’s life.
To make shit happen, you must be assertive. If you see something needs to be said or done, you take the reigns and get it handled.
But lots of guys are not assertive enough. Typically, they are passive, and less often, aggressive. I will cover assertiveness in another article, but for now I direct you to the excellent book, Your Perfect Right, which has been the Bible on assertiveness for many decades.
Develop a lifestyle that cultivates assertiveness. In fact, if you tend to be passive, then injecting some aggressiveness can help. Examples are any contact sport or boxing. At very least, go work out at the gym (though this probably won’t be sufficient).
It may help to find work that requires assertiveness. One summer I walked around a mall and performed market research; cold approaching people and trying to get their opinion on shit for half an hour requires persistence.
Being Solid
Women typically expect the men in their lives to be solid: centered, balanced, grounded, present. This doesn’t mean boring and predictable. But it does mean that when she is being a girl, she can trust you will be there for her as a man.
Yoga is an excellent way to get out of your head and into your body, teaching people to find their center. You spend much of the time on your back (being grounded), must stand on one leg (being balanced), clear your head of thoughts (being present) and breathe through any discomfort you feel (being in your body). If you’re doing it right, you can’t help but shift your energy into your body, and specifically your center of being. Bikram yoga is an offshoot, putting you into a very hot and humid room for an hour and a half. If that’s not your style, then stick to old fashioned yoga, getting lessons at first and then performing it at home several times a week for an hour.
Martial arts can also help you to generate power from your core, to let energy move through you without blocking it, and to be present with your opponent.
Being in the Moment
Many people are not living in the now. They dwell on the past and future, and when things pop up they don’t react in time or from a place of authenticity. Having a lifestyle that keeps you on your feet will carry over into your interactions.
Improv is a classic example of an activity where you have to be in the moment. The funniest lines are usually ones that come out without premeditation. Your partner then feeds off of that, and a routine is born from thin air. Stopping to process and think kills this creative process.
As I mentioned above, boxing and martial arts can also help you be in the moment.
Girl Friends
Having chicks in your life is critical. You can bang em or not, but you should be surrounded by a lot of women. Friends who are girls will teach you about how they think, act and feel, and you will develop a better and healthier appreciation for women (as opposed to “targets” and “HBs”). A lot of the smoke girls blow as a diversion around men goes away, and you can peek into their minds, unfiltered; this can include why they bang or date certain guys (what works and what doesn’t), why they behave how they do in clubs, and what makes them laugh.
You don’t need to have hot girls around you, just a lot of em. This will naturally seem attractive to other (hotter) women. Besides the concept of preselection, having chicks in your life is a normal thing, and not having them can appear odd. So always be looking out for girls you can add to your social circle, and spend a lot of time with them.
Personal Ecosystem and Energy Drainers
People have clutter in their lives, and this crap can use up a bunch of their energy. We call these things energy drainers. This may include a messy home or car, friends who bring you down, money you owe, a bad relationship with your parents, or excess weight.
When I spar, I sometimes use muscles I don’t need. I overwork, and therefore get tired faster. A key to lasting longer is to relax the parts of your body that you don’t have to call upon. The same holds for any activity in your life; if you expend too much energy unwisely, you have less left over for constructive stuff.
Run an inventory of all the items that might be draining your energy and polluting your personal ecosystem. Clean shit up. If you can’t tackle a chore all at once, small chunk it down and do a bit at a time. Get help from others.
If you can resolve dysfunctional or draining relationships through assertiveness and open communication, then do so. If you can’t minimize the impact of these people, then try to eliminate them from your life.
Forms of Expression
You can learn to express yourself in many different ways. Learning to be open with your opinions and beliefs will carry over into your interactions. If you want to express yourself verbally, you can take up Toastmasters, improv or acting. If you want to move people emotionally, you can work through painting, sculpting, even food. If you express yourself physically, there’s dance and music.
At the other extreme is being closed off and stifled, incapable of expressing yourself in any aspect of your life. Or you may only express yourself through one channel like singing, but can’t open up verbally. Seek a healthy balance, where girls realize that among the many forms of expression, you take advantage of several methods, including verbal and sexual.
Stress Management
A lot of times our interactions fail because we’re thinking about other negative parts of our lives. Sometimes, we aren’t consciously paying attention to these things, but they are weighing our psyche down.
Learn to compartmentalize your life. Be present. That is, when you’re talking to a girl, you should only be focused on that interaction. Money and work have zero relevance at that very moment, so force those thoughts away until it’s relevant to address them.
When these stressors seep into your interactions subconsciously, you need to find a way to get them handled. Do research, ask others for advice, devise a course of action, whatever needs to be done to move in the right direction. Even without resolving the stress, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel can help a great deal.
You can relieve some of your stress through art or physical activity. Freud talked about sublimating your sexual energy in the form of creativity, basically transferring that energy into something more socially acceptable. As I described above, yoga is another way to get stress under control.
Why I’m Not a PUA
Lo those many years ago, having had my world exploded watching that VH1 reality show, I set out on my path to become a pick-up artist. Somewhere along the way, I had made that transformation, but have since gone far beyond.
People (especially girls on dates with me) often laugh about that “pickup artist” they met in the bar, the guy who ran some routines and had an obvious agenda to push buttons.
And I know from experience that stuff works. You push buttons, get a quick rise out of girls, feed your ego. Maybe even get a speedy lay out of it.
What the women in my life miss from those encounters is the slow build of seduction, the man who doesn’t push buttons but is genuinely sexy inside and out. Hell, he barely has to lift a finger to get chicks wet. While that dude is curled up with his lover-to-be in a dark corner, the PUA is still jumping from set to set, gaming HBs and yes, still feeding his ego.
So here it is. I am not a pick-up artist.
And here’s why.
“Pick-up” is only one small part of me. Because I’m a dweeb, I drew this fantastic life-like self-portrait. My arms (C) represent my ability to pick up women (literally and figuratively). I don’t deny I still use many of the tactics and routines I found efficient and effective over the years. They are too habitual now to set them aside. Going out and being “myself” doesn’t work all that well. The game must be played, no doubt about it, and so I do still consider these tools useful.
People (especially girls on dates with me) often laugh about that “pickup artist” they met in the bar, the guy who ran some routines and had an obvious agenda to push buttons.
And I know from experience that stuff works. You push buttons, get a quick rise out of girls, feed your ego. Maybe even get a speedy lay out of it.
What the women in my life miss from those encounters is the slow build of seduction, the man who doesn’t push buttons but is genuinely sexy inside and out. Hell, he barely has to lift a finger to get chicks wet. While that dude is curled up with his lover-to-be in a dark corner, the PUA is still jumping from set to set, gaming HBs and yes, still feeding his ego.
So here it is. I am not a pick-up artist.
And here’s why.
“Pick-up” is only one small part of me. Because I’m a dweeb, I drew this fantastic life-like self-portrait. My arms (C) represent my ability to pick up women (literally and figuratively). I don’t deny I still use many of the tactics and routines I found efficient and effective over the years. They are too habitual now to set them aside. Going out and being “myself” doesn’t work all that well. The game must be played, no doubt about it, and so I do still consider these tools useful.
But look at everything else left over.
(A) is my inner game. My confidence, abundance mentality, humor, perseverance and so on. I am not at all the man I was before the community. I am mentally healthy, I have a much more profound understanding and appreciation of women, myself and social dynamics. All this has contributed greatly to the way I live my life, not simply how I interact with women.
(B) is my heart, my emotions, my love for women. Whether I’m “running game” or just lying in bed with a broad, my heart is over-flowing with awe at the feminine energy. The curves of her hips, her laugh, her willingness to be dominated. My interactions, when they’re at their best, have a huge amount to do with my ease at expressing my emotions in a way that is attractive.
(D) is my core, my gut. This is where I usually feel my energy, and the part of me that communicates with girls at that deeper level. This is the place that lets me calibrate, my instincts regarding how I’m doing with a chick, when to move things forward.
(E) is my Mr. Dandy. Not only my sex drive and desire to seduce, but my balls. A lot of dudes gaming girls leave their balls out of it; they never state their intent, don’t go after the chicks they really want to screw, try to be a friendly, sociable guy instead. Often they don’t even find the girl sexually attractive. I dunno, maybe they just game certain girls to impress their wings or write reports about em. Perhaps they’re simply drawn to the intellectual challenges the game has to offer. Either way, keeping your weiner out of the set is decidedly safe, but not particularly rewarding.
And finally (F) is my lifestyle. It’s everything going on in the background when I’m not with girls. The things I do to improve myself intellectually, physically, sexually. All the stuff that makes me cool. My lifestyle is my legs. Take it away, and I don’t have a leg to stand on. I’m just laying still on the ground, maybe looking up skirts.
(A) is my inner game. My confidence, abundance mentality, humor, perseverance and so on. I am not at all the man I was before the community. I am mentally healthy, I have a much more profound understanding and appreciation of women, myself and social dynamics. All this has contributed greatly to the way I live my life, not simply how I interact with women.
(B) is my heart, my emotions, my love for women. Whether I’m “running game” or just lying in bed with a broad, my heart is over-flowing with awe at the feminine energy. The curves of her hips, her laugh, her willingness to be dominated. My interactions, when they’re at their best, have a huge amount to do with my ease at expressing my emotions in a way that is attractive.
(D) is my core, my gut. This is where I usually feel my energy, and the part of me that communicates with girls at that deeper level. This is the place that lets me calibrate, my instincts regarding how I’m doing with a chick, when to move things forward.
(E) is my Mr. Dandy. Not only my sex drive and desire to seduce, but my balls. A lot of dudes gaming girls leave their balls out of it; they never state their intent, don’t go after the chicks they really want to screw, try to be a friendly, sociable guy instead. Often they don’t even find the girl sexually attractive. I dunno, maybe they just game certain girls to impress their wings or write reports about em. Perhaps they’re simply drawn to the intellectual challenges the game has to offer. Either way, keeping your weiner out of the set is decidedly safe, but not particularly rewarding.
And finally (F) is my lifestyle. It’s everything going on in the background when I’m not with girls. The things I do to improve myself intellectually, physically, sexually. All the stuff that makes me cool. My lifestyle is my legs. Take it away, and I don’t have a leg to stand on. I’m just laying still on the ground, maybe looking up skirts.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Fear Management, Part Two
In the first article, I reviewed ways our body sends out fear signals to the world, and how we try to pacify ourselves involuntarily to alleviate this fear. Now we’ll review the many ways to get our fears handled, including the single most powerful method.
A Dozen Ways to Deal with Fear
1. The Blinders Effect: Med school and Bikram yoga
Don’t look for potential risks; put on blinders and push forward. If you had asked me while I was in college, or in med school for that matter, how many years I had left before I could practice, or what classes I’d need to take, or what grades I’d require to advance to the next level, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I set my intention – become a physician – and I did whatever I needed to do to advance me towards that intention. Fear never took over, because I never ran an analysis of what would be required. It simply didn’t matter; I was willing to do whatever it took.
Recently I signed up for Bikram yoga. If you don’t know what that is, it’s the yoga where you spend 1 ½ hours in an extremely hot and humid room posing in often painful contortions. Sounds fun, eh? When I signed up for it, I bought a full month of classes. That is, I committed to it with blinders on, knowing that I might get scared away after my first attempt. When I bought the month I was telling my fear to fuck off, I was giving this activity a fair chance.
2. The Cold Pool: Committing to the intention
If I asked you to get into a cold swimming pool, you can do one of a couple things. You can put your toes in, then step in up to your knees, then wade in so your waist is underwater, then finally submerse your entire body. Or you could simply jump right in.
Whether it’s a cold pool or anything else uncomfortable and scary, diving in fully without hesitation will bypass all fear. Set your intention and then go for it 110%.
Approaching is like swinging a bat. You don’t swing half-way and then tap the ball. You commit to the swing fully, so even after contact the bat keeps moving to the end of the swing. Likewise, when you see a hotty, make it your intention to walk up to her and get her attention. She may ignore you or blow you off, but that’s not relevant. All that matters is that you do everything in your power to make your intention a reality immediately, and not take the time to mull over the potential discomfort.
3. Snorkeling and Horror Flicks: What is the actual risk?
I flew all the way out to Oahu one summer, and found myself gazing at the sea with a sense of intimidation. What if a shark was out there? What if a jellyfish floated by? What about eels? What if, what if?
I almost didn’t go snorkeling, but thank god I did because it was one of the best experiences of my life. I took control of my fear by assessing the actual risk. There rarely is a shark out in popular snorkeling areas. And all my other concerns were statistically highly unlikely to ever materialize as well.
Yes, there may be risks involved in certain activities, but be realistic about them. The risk of air travel is minimal, the risk of public speaking is nil, the risk of approaching is practically non-existent.
Recognize when the danger is to your body, or just to your ego. Public speaking is the number one phobia of people, but why? No real harm can come to you while speaking in front of crowds. Perhaps what you fear is rejection, humiliation, loss of respect and acceptance, or accidentally offending people. These are all worries of the ego, and have nothing to do with your physical well-being. They are all manufactured and can be just as easily dissolved with will.
I love horror films. I could watch them every night. They never get old. Horror films pose no true risk that I’ll be killed by the undead or the demented psycho or the plague. I may startle at times or feel dread for the characters, but I’m never actually personally afraid.
You see a dude in set, and you tell yourself, “he’s just a coworker” and you go in despite the fear (the "fuck it" moment). The coworker is not a real threat to you, not unlike the slasher in the horror film. You can certainly generate all sorts of potential repercussions in your head if the guy doesn’t welcome you in, but you also can set aside those voices and remind yourself that this risk is pure fantasy. Nevermind all that community AMOG bullshit, and instead, view him as another potential friend to help you get the girl.
4. Boxing: Gathering cues
I took up mixed martial arts about a year ago. As I threw punches, I often found myself turning my head away and shutting my eyes, because I knew my trainer was most likely avoiding my jab and about to clobber my head.
Though I wanted to shut my eyes and lean away while I swung, to punch effectively required me to keep my eyes focused on the opponent so I could see how he’s gonna react. I am, in effect, reading my adversary for cues. Will he move left? Will he duck? Will he throw a cross? Will he deflect my punch and rotate away from it? If my eyes are averted, I can’t gather information and then respond in turn. I must not only have a good offensive, I must always be on a fact-finding mission at every moment.
The only way to manage any interaction strategically – whether it’s boxing or evaluating cues a girl is sending out – is to look at it head-on with total presence. Move into the fear with open eyes, in spite of the risks.
5. The Proud Piano Student: Positive reframe
A friend of mine teaches piano to kids. I asked her once how she deals with their fear of performance, and she described a kind of reframe. Rather than think about a performance as possible rejection or failure, she has the kids think of it as proving to the audience how much they’ve learned. They then go on stage with a sense of pride, not fear.
Every perceived failure is an opportunity to learn. Any night you totally bomb is still a good night, as it provides insights for you to help progress. Without failure you can’t grow. To quote the granddaddy of the community, Ross Jeffries: “The difference between winners and losers is that losers don’t fail enough.”
Another powerful reframe is accepting that your role is simply to give value to others. Believe that you are a man who loves to make others happy, and who expects nothing in return. Make that girl’s night. With this belief, it’s impossible to consider your approach as anything but positive. You aren’t bothering people, you’re only adding to their experience. If they don’t accept your value (and some people won’t), then it doesn’t hinder you. You simply move on to find those who will.
6. Be Prepared: The stack
Going into a set without knowing what to say is scary as hell. But when you have a pretty good idea how the first few minutes are gonna play out, you feel secure and ultimately less fearful.
I’m a fan of routine stacks for guys who have problems vibing or approaching. Having the first coupla minutes in set prepared helps reduce that fear of the unknown. Likewise if you go for a kiss and get her cheek, having something ready to say to reduce the awkwardness of this moment will make you feel more confident pulling the trigger. Have a detailed game plan, accounting for all contingencies.
7. Visualization and NLP
I don’t have the space here to talk about neurolinguistic programming (NLP), but it can help get your inner game on track. One tool NLP employs is to run movies in your head that minimize your negative emotions. For example if a boss yells at you, you can then reimagine the scene with him having a cartoon voice and wearing a clown outfit.
In sports, trainers use visualization techniques to enhance performance. Athletes imagine themselves winning the race, hearing the crowd roar, et cetera. You can apply this to your interactions with broads, seeing yourself as the man you want to be and envisioning the women you wanna attract into your life. Before your encounters, visualize how they’ll go. As your mind begins to believe these images, fear dissolves.
8. Passive Value: Dress for success
Looking your best will boost your sense of confidence. Dress well, have some accessories that add color to your personality, make your avatar stand out, go lift weights. In addition to fashion, address bad breath and a lousy hair style. Do anything you can to make your passive value as appealing as possible.
9. Reward Yourself
Create an incentive for facing your fear. “Even though I’m claustrophobic, I’ll get this MRI and then buy myself ice cream afterwards for being brave.” Don’t beat yourself up for being afraid, but do negotiate a system of rewards with yourself for acting in spite of your fear.
10. Hypnosis
Often the conscious mind isn’t the problem, it’s the subconscious which is too resistant to change. You may need to talk to it directly. That’s where hypnosis comes in.
There was a time I was doing really well with night game, but I couldn’t for the life of me approach during the day. I sought out a hypnotherapist and within a month I had no fear of going direct on super-hotties during the day. What she did under hypnosis was have me think of something I was highly confident about (practicing medicine), and then link this via anchoring (squeezing my hand) to the situation which gave me fear (daytime approaches).
11. Desensitization
A commonly used tool in alleviating anxiety is called systematic desensitization. In pick-up, this means you keep approaching more and harder sets until the anxiety fades. This is how I primarily dealt with my own AA, and over a couple years, I went from being paralyzed with anxiety to being able to easily work a room.
All of the above can be effective coping strategies to get you into the right head space, but I haven’t yet mentioned the biggest, baddest, most effective way to reduce fear in your life. Here it is.
12. Find Your Center and Live There
When I ask you to identify where in your body you feel your “being” resides, where do you point? For many guys it’s their head. For some, their chest. If I ask you where your physical power is mostly generated from, you might show me your guns.
I want you instead to focus on your belly as your center. Make it a few inches below your belly button. Let your energy transmit out from this point. Send your breath into it. When you think of power, shift your focus away from your upper body and down to your core and lower body, where masculine energy is concentrated. Feel the ground while you stand and walk, how it contacts your feet, and how your legs move. Slap your thighs if you have to. Own the ground you’re stepping on. This is your ground. Be gracious enough to share it with others, and welcome them onto your ground.
In martial arts, a man’s core is down in his belly, not up in his head. You don’t have time to think about each moment of the spar; you must always feel the energy and movement of your opponent and react immediately from your core. It’s no different when talking to women. Just as soon as you get out of your head and start living in your body, everything begins to flow with far less effort.
Likewise, when you generate force to throw a punch, that power is coming from your core primarily, and then transmitted upwards through the chest and out the arms. Your greatest power in moving women emotionally isn’t generated from your head or your chest, it’s from your core.
For those of you living in your head and placing your center of power in your upper body, you are in essence, walking through life off balance. And guys who aren’t balanced are easily thrown, whether that is by physical confrontation or a shit test. Dudes who are centered are far less easy to topple. Out of being centered and grounded comes the feeling that you can take on the world, that you are unflappable and in touch with yourself, the earth, and ultimately the universe. In short, you are living without fear.
And so fear management starts outside the venue. It’s a way of being. You can’t suddenly switch this confidence on when you approach a girl. Instead, it carries over into your interactions, because that’s the way you move through life.
Any physical activity can get you into your body and out of your head, but specifically activities like yoga and the martial arts will place the focus where you want it. So now you know what to do. Get off your computer and go hit the mat.
Back to that night I did my first Bikram yoga class. It was 45 minutes in, and the instructor had cranked up the heat while the poses got more difficult. My heart was pounding, I could barely catch my breath and my water bottle was nearly empty. Would I pass out or collapse from heat stroke? Panic set in. But then, I pushed those thoughts from my head, explained to myself that I wasn’t overheating internally but that I was just experiencing a sudden spike in room temperature. I talked myself down and focused intensely on my breathing and my heart beat, clearing my head of all noise. And in that moment I conquered the fear, settling peacefully back into my routine.
A Dozen Ways to Deal with Fear
1. The Blinders Effect: Med school and Bikram yoga
Don’t look for potential risks; put on blinders and push forward. If you had asked me while I was in college, or in med school for that matter, how many years I had left before I could practice, or what classes I’d need to take, or what grades I’d require to advance to the next level, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I set my intention – become a physician – and I did whatever I needed to do to advance me towards that intention. Fear never took over, because I never ran an analysis of what would be required. It simply didn’t matter; I was willing to do whatever it took.
Recently I signed up for Bikram yoga. If you don’t know what that is, it’s the yoga where you spend 1 ½ hours in an extremely hot and humid room posing in often painful contortions. Sounds fun, eh? When I signed up for it, I bought a full month of classes. That is, I committed to it with blinders on, knowing that I might get scared away after my first attempt. When I bought the month I was telling my fear to fuck off, I was giving this activity a fair chance.
2. The Cold Pool: Committing to the intention
If I asked you to get into a cold swimming pool, you can do one of a couple things. You can put your toes in, then step in up to your knees, then wade in so your waist is underwater, then finally submerse your entire body. Or you could simply jump right in.
Whether it’s a cold pool or anything else uncomfortable and scary, diving in fully without hesitation will bypass all fear. Set your intention and then go for it 110%.
Approaching is like swinging a bat. You don’t swing half-way and then tap the ball. You commit to the swing fully, so even after contact the bat keeps moving to the end of the swing. Likewise, when you see a hotty, make it your intention to walk up to her and get her attention. She may ignore you or blow you off, but that’s not relevant. All that matters is that you do everything in your power to make your intention a reality immediately, and not take the time to mull over the potential discomfort.
3. Snorkeling and Horror Flicks: What is the actual risk?
I flew all the way out to Oahu one summer, and found myself gazing at the sea with a sense of intimidation. What if a shark was out there? What if a jellyfish floated by? What about eels? What if, what if?
I almost didn’t go snorkeling, but thank god I did because it was one of the best experiences of my life. I took control of my fear by assessing the actual risk. There rarely is a shark out in popular snorkeling areas. And all my other concerns were statistically highly unlikely to ever materialize as well.
Yes, there may be risks involved in certain activities, but be realistic about them. The risk of air travel is minimal, the risk of public speaking is nil, the risk of approaching is practically non-existent.
Recognize when the danger is to your body, or just to your ego. Public speaking is the number one phobia of people, but why? No real harm can come to you while speaking in front of crowds. Perhaps what you fear is rejection, humiliation, loss of respect and acceptance, or accidentally offending people. These are all worries of the ego, and have nothing to do with your physical well-being. They are all manufactured and can be just as easily dissolved with will.
I love horror films. I could watch them every night. They never get old. Horror films pose no true risk that I’ll be killed by the undead or the demented psycho or the plague. I may startle at times or feel dread for the characters, but I’m never actually personally afraid.
You see a dude in set, and you tell yourself, “he’s just a coworker” and you go in despite the fear (the "fuck it" moment). The coworker is not a real threat to you, not unlike the slasher in the horror film. You can certainly generate all sorts of potential repercussions in your head if the guy doesn’t welcome you in, but you also can set aside those voices and remind yourself that this risk is pure fantasy. Nevermind all that community AMOG bullshit, and instead, view him as another potential friend to help you get the girl.
4. Boxing: Gathering cues
I took up mixed martial arts about a year ago. As I threw punches, I often found myself turning my head away and shutting my eyes, because I knew my trainer was most likely avoiding my jab and about to clobber my head.
Though I wanted to shut my eyes and lean away while I swung, to punch effectively required me to keep my eyes focused on the opponent so I could see how he’s gonna react. I am, in effect, reading my adversary for cues. Will he move left? Will he duck? Will he throw a cross? Will he deflect my punch and rotate away from it? If my eyes are averted, I can’t gather information and then respond in turn. I must not only have a good offensive, I must always be on a fact-finding mission at every moment.
The only way to manage any interaction strategically – whether it’s boxing or evaluating cues a girl is sending out – is to look at it head-on with total presence. Move into the fear with open eyes, in spite of the risks.
5. The Proud Piano Student: Positive reframe
A friend of mine teaches piano to kids. I asked her once how she deals with their fear of performance, and she described a kind of reframe. Rather than think about a performance as possible rejection or failure, she has the kids think of it as proving to the audience how much they’ve learned. They then go on stage with a sense of pride, not fear.
Every perceived failure is an opportunity to learn. Any night you totally bomb is still a good night, as it provides insights for you to help progress. Without failure you can’t grow. To quote the granddaddy of the community, Ross Jeffries: “The difference between winners and losers is that losers don’t fail enough.”
Another powerful reframe is accepting that your role is simply to give value to others. Believe that you are a man who loves to make others happy, and who expects nothing in return. Make that girl’s night. With this belief, it’s impossible to consider your approach as anything but positive. You aren’t bothering people, you’re only adding to their experience. If they don’t accept your value (and some people won’t), then it doesn’t hinder you. You simply move on to find those who will.
6. Be Prepared: The stack
Going into a set without knowing what to say is scary as hell. But when you have a pretty good idea how the first few minutes are gonna play out, you feel secure and ultimately less fearful.
I’m a fan of routine stacks for guys who have problems vibing or approaching. Having the first coupla minutes in set prepared helps reduce that fear of the unknown. Likewise if you go for a kiss and get her cheek, having something ready to say to reduce the awkwardness of this moment will make you feel more confident pulling the trigger. Have a detailed game plan, accounting for all contingencies.
7. Visualization and NLP
I don’t have the space here to talk about neurolinguistic programming (NLP), but it can help get your inner game on track. One tool NLP employs is to run movies in your head that minimize your negative emotions. For example if a boss yells at you, you can then reimagine the scene with him having a cartoon voice and wearing a clown outfit.
In sports, trainers use visualization techniques to enhance performance. Athletes imagine themselves winning the race, hearing the crowd roar, et cetera. You can apply this to your interactions with broads, seeing yourself as the man you want to be and envisioning the women you wanna attract into your life. Before your encounters, visualize how they’ll go. As your mind begins to believe these images, fear dissolves.
8. Passive Value: Dress for success
Looking your best will boost your sense of confidence. Dress well, have some accessories that add color to your personality, make your avatar stand out, go lift weights. In addition to fashion, address bad breath and a lousy hair style. Do anything you can to make your passive value as appealing as possible.
9. Reward Yourself
Create an incentive for facing your fear. “Even though I’m claustrophobic, I’ll get this MRI and then buy myself ice cream afterwards for being brave.” Don’t beat yourself up for being afraid, but do negotiate a system of rewards with yourself for acting in spite of your fear.
10. Hypnosis
Often the conscious mind isn’t the problem, it’s the subconscious which is too resistant to change. You may need to talk to it directly. That’s where hypnosis comes in.
There was a time I was doing really well with night game, but I couldn’t for the life of me approach during the day. I sought out a hypnotherapist and within a month I had no fear of going direct on super-hotties during the day. What she did under hypnosis was have me think of something I was highly confident about (practicing medicine), and then link this via anchoring (squeezing my hand) to the situation which gave me fear (daytime approaches).
11. Desensitization
A commonly used tool in alleviating anxiety is called systematic desensitization. In pick-up, this means you keep approaching more and harder sets until the anxiety fades. This is how I primarily dealt with my own AA, and over a couple years, I went from being paralyzed with anxiety to being able to easily work a room.
All of the above can be effective coping strategies to get you into the right head space, but I haven’t yet mentioned the biggest, baddest, most effective way to reduce fear in your life. Here it is.
12. Find Your Center and Live There
When I ask you to identify where in your body you feel your “being” resides, where do you point? For many guys it’s their head. For some, their chest. If I ask you where your physical power is mostly generated from, you might show me your guns.
I want you instead to focus on your belly as your center. Make it a few inches below your belly button. Let your energy transmit out from this point. Send your breath into it. When you think of power, shift your focus away from your upper body and down to your core and lower body, where masculine energy is concentrated. Feel the ground while you stand and walk, how it contacts your feet, and how your legs move. Slap your thighs if you have to. Own the ground you’re stepping on. This is your ground. Be gracious enough to share it with others, and welcome them onto your ground.
In martial arts, a man’s core is down in his belly, not up in his head. You don’t have time to think about each moment of the spar; you must always feel the energy and movement of your opponent and react immediately from your core. It’s no different when talking to women. Just as soon as you get out of your head and start living in your body, everything begins to flow with far less effort.
Likewise, when you generate force to throw a punch, that power is coming from your core primarily, and then transmitted upwards through the chest and out the arms. Your greatest power in moving women emotionally isn’t generated from your head or your chest, it’s from your core.
For those of you living in your head and placing your center of power in your upper body, you are in essence, walking through life off balance. And guys who aren’t balanced are easily thrown, whether that is by physical confrontation or a shit test. Dudes who are centered are far less easy to topple. Out of being centered and grounded comes the feeling that you can take on the world, that you are unflappable and in touch with yourself, the earth, and ultimately the universe. In short, you are living without fear.
And so fear management starts outside the venue. It’s a way of being. You can’t suddenly switch this confidence on when you approach a girl. Instead, it carries over into your interactions, because that’s the way you move through life.
Any physical activity can get you into your body and out of your head, but specifically activities like yoga and the martial arts will place the focus where you want it. So now you know what to do. Get off your computer and go hit the mat.
Back to that night I did my first Bikram yoga class. It was 45 minutes in, and the instructor had cranked up the heat while the poses got more difficult. My heart was pounding, I could barely catch my breath and my water bottle was nearly empty. Would I pass out or collapse from heat stroke? Panic set in. But then, I pushed those thoughts from my head, explained to myself that I wasn’t overheating internally but that I was just experiencing a sudden spike in room temperature. I talked myself down and focused intensely on my breathing and my heart beat, clearing my head of all noise. And in that moment I conquered the fear, settling peacefully back into my routine.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Fear Management, Part One
It’s the Ultimate F Word.
Fear.
That dirty, four-letter word. It’ll try to hold you back from the things you desire and stop you from fully appreciating all that life can teach you.
Guys new to the community are often controlled by fear: their beliefs, their behaviors, their thoughts. Fear is why they don’t open the mixed set, don’t go for the make-out, don’t head to the club alone, don’t call the chick on the phone. So what exactly is fear, and more importantly, how can we take charge of it?
The 3 Fs
In the beginning – and I mean the very beginning – animals on earth were controlled by their limbic brains. If they saw something that could kill them, they responded without thought. Primitive animals didn’t yet have the higher level of problem-solving that man possesses. They weren’t capable of analyzing the entire scenario so as to elucidate the best course of action. The little fuckers simply reacted instinctively, and as a result, they escaped harm.
The limbic brain is there to keep us humans alive as well. If there is a danger in your proximity, over-analysis could lead to death and injury. So you react to perceived dangers very swiftly. If you hear a gun go off near your head, you’re gonna startle and move away from the sound without thought.
Fear is handled by the limbic brain using three responses:
1. Freeze. The first strategy you’ll usually use if faced with danger is to freeze. Since movement attracts the attention of predators, freezing makes us invisible to them. It also gives our higher brain time to come up with a strategy.
If I tell a guy with approach anxiety to go talk to the three-set of 9s, the guy will initially freeze up. His breath will get shallow, he’ll avoid eye contact when he does approach, and if he sits down he’ll lock his feet together under his seat. In effect, he is making himself smaller, less noticeable and ideally invisible, all indicators of the freeze response. Even evasive eye contact is his way of “hiding” in full view.
If one person in the tribe suddenly freezes when he sees a lion, the others will mimic his behavior. This mimicry is in place to help survival of the group; hence, fear is contagious. Going out and trying to be sociable with anxious wings will make you more anxious. A better strategy is to hang out with guys who aren’t as nervous as you.
2. Flight. When freezing won’t assure survival, we flee. In the wild, we would run from a lion that was pursuing us. In the modern world, we can’t literally run from everything that scares us, but we can evade in other ways, called distancing and blocking. The goal: to create space between us and the danger.
Distancing is seen when we turn away from people who are annoying us, lean away from someone confrontational, point our foot away while legs crossed from someone offensive.
Examples of blocking include briefly covering your face with your hand when somebody says something you don’t like, closing your eyes almost as if to make the world momentarily go away, and holding a drink or cell phone up in front of you when a sexy mama walks by.
3. Fight. When freezing and fleeing don’t cut it, we fight. In the wild, we turned fear into rage and fought our predators. In the modern world, we can’t fight physically so we tone it down, and instead we argue. Insults, sarcasm and other verbally aggressive tactics are manifestations of our desire to physically fight. When we feel the urge to fight, our subcommunications tell the story: an aggressive stance, clenched fists, gnashed teeth, hard eye contact, getting up in the other dude’s grill.
Pacifying Behaviors
Your subcoms will vary depending on whether you’re comfortable or uncomfortable. Comfortable people give off a sense of high confidence, well-being and contentment. Those who are uncomfortable appear to have low confidence and seem stressed and possibly afraid.
To assuage ourselves of this discomfort, we employ pacifying behaviors. In kids, these maneuvers are easily apparent, such as thumb-sucking. But as we grow out of these babyisms, the pacifying becomes less recognizable: chewing gum, biting fingernails, munching a pencil. While the child tries to hide from a stranger behind mom’s leg, we as adults use our beer bottle to hide behind. When we don’t have a beer bottle, we touch briefly at our nose or throat. Different behaviors, same drive: to alleviate our discomfort.
Types of Anxiety
Anxiety is a constellation of symptoms including elevated heart rate and breathing, excessive sweating, sometimes chills, a racing mind and oh yeah…all those voices. Our discomfort may not always escalate to the point of anxiety, if, for example, we defuse that fear with self-pacification.
In many cases, the anxiety is so deeply ingrained subconsciously, that it is completely unreasonable. You are incapable of resolving the anxiety by talking yourself out of it. In other cases, the fear is not as deep, driven instead by too much mental noise, which can be voluntarily quieted. See my post, “Clarity,” for further discussion of this.
Social anxiety. This encompasses any fear of interacting with people, and at its extreme can include agoraphobia, the fear of leaving your home. One aspect of agoraphobia is the shame involved in having a debilitating panic attack out in public. Normal kids can have a degree of developmental social anxiety, but when it persists into adulthood and impairs social functioning, there’s a problem. Often, it appears as shyness, stage fright and avoidance of public gatherings.
Approach anxiety. One form of social anxiety is AA, the fear of approaching people. You may do well when introduced to a girl in your group of friends, but the thought of approaching that same girl as a stranger in a bar would trigger anxiety. That fear can affect you simply asking a waitress for a napkin or a checking out at a supermarket. AA is to be distinguished from a mild version which has been called approach reluctance. AA is truly paralyzing, whereas AR is a nagging internal dialogue around which you can still function.
Trigger anxiety. Not much is said about this fear, that of “pulling the trigger.” But fear of escalating is every bit as real as AA. It happens when you’re having a great interaction with a chick, and when that impulse comes to escalate, you don’t do it. You get in your head and in spite of the cues, the set fizzles out. You get angry with yourself, she simply assumes you’re not attracted to her. Getting past TA involves a series of verbal and physical steps, a thorough game plan designed to handle both the escalation and the potential rejection.
Sexual anxiety. You may be able to get a girl into bed, but then blow it because of all the crazy talk in your head. You get flaccid, which makes matters worse, making you feel like less of a man. Huge frustration for all parties involved. Often, the mere anticipation of sex can trip you up, long before the opportunity actually arises. SA is a kind of performance anxiety, but largely is a result of you not being present with the woman (or women) in bed with you. That is, rather than clearing your mind and only acting from your core as a sexual being, your mind is distracted by crap like your cock size.
In my second article on fear management, I’ll discuss methods of getting a handle on your fears.
Fear.
That dirty, four-letter word. It’ll try to hold you back from the things you desire and stop you from fully appreciating all that life can teach you.
Guys new to the community are often controlled by fear: their beliefs, their behaviors, their thoughts. Fear is why they don’t open the mixed set, don’t go for the make-out, don’t head to the club alone, don’t call the chick on the phone. So what exactly is fear, and more importantly, how can we take charge of it?
The 3 Fs
In the beginning – and I mean the very beginning – animals on earth were controlled by their limbic brains. If they saw something that could kill them, they responded without thought. Primitive animals didn’t yet have the higher level of problem-solving that man possesses. They weren’t capable of analyzing the entire scenario so as to elucidate the best course of action. The little fuckers simply reacted instinctively, and as a result, they escaped harm.
The limbic brain is there to keep us humans alive as well. If there is a danger in your proximity, over-analysis could lead to death and injury. So you react to perceived dangers very swiftly. If you hear a gun go off near your head, you’re gonna startle and move away from the sound without thought.
Fear is handled by the limbic brain using three responses:
1. Freeze. The first strategy you’ll usually use if faced with danger is to freeze. Since movement attracts the attention of predators, freezing makes us invisible to them. It also gives our higher brain time to come up with a strategy.
If I tell a guy with approach anxiety to go talk to the three-set of 9s, the guy will initially freeze up. His breath will get shallow, he’ll avoid eye contact when he does approach, and if he sits down he’ll lock his feet together under his seat. In effect, he is making himself smaller, less noticeable and ideally invisible, all indicators of the freeze response. Even evasive eye contact is his way of “hiding” in full view.
If one person in the tribe suddenly freezes when he sees a lion, the others will mimic his behavior. This mimicry is in place to help survival of the group; hence, fear is contagious. Going out and trying to be sociable with anxious wings will make you more anxious. A better strategy is to hang out with guys who aren’t as nervous as you.
2. Flight. When freezing won’t assure survival, we flee. In the wild, we would run from a lion that was pursuing us. In the modern world, we can’t literally run from everything that scares us, but we can evade in other ways, called distancing and blocking. The goal: to create space between us and the danger.
Distancing is seen when we turn away from people who are annoying us, lean away from someone confrontational, point our foot away while legs crossed from someone offensive.
Examples of blocking include briefly covering your face with your hand when somebody says something you don’t like, closing your eyes almost as if to make the world momentarily go away, and holding a drink or cell phone up in front of you when a sexy mama walks by.
3. Fight. When freezing and fleeing don’t cut it, we fight. In the wild, we turned fear into rage and fought our predators. In the modern world, we can’t fight physically so we tone it down, and instead we argue. Insults, sarcasm and other verbally aggressive tactics are manifestations of our desire to physically fight. When we feel the urge to fight, our subcommunications tell the story: an aggressive stance, clenched fists, gnashed teeth, hard eye contact, getting up in the other dude’s grill.
Pacifying Behaviors
Your subcoms will vary depending on whether you’re comfortable or uncomfortable. Comfortable people give off a sense of high confidence, well-being and contentment. Those who are uncomfortable appear to have low confidence and seem stressed and possibly afraid.
To assuage ourselves of this discomfort, we employ pacifying behaviors. In kids, these maneuvers are easily apparent, such as thumb-sucking. But as we grow out of these babyisms, the pacifying becomes less recognizable: chewing gum, biting fingernails, munching a pencil. While the child tries to hide from a stranger behind mom’s leg, we as adults use our beer bottle to hide behind. When we don’t have a beer bottle, we touch briefly at our nose or throat. Different behaviors, same drive: to alleviate our discomfort.
Types of Anxiety
Anxiety is a constellation of symptoms including elevated heart rate and breathing, excessive sweating, sometimes chills, a racing mind and oh yeah…all those voices. Our discomfort may not always escalate to the point of anxiety, if, for example, we defuse that fear with self-pacification.
In many cases, the anxiety is so deeply ingrained subconsciously, that it is completely unreasonable. You are incapable of resolving the anxiety by talking yourself out of it. In other cases, the fear is not as deep, driven instead by too much mental noise, which can be voluntarily quieted. See my post, “Clarity,” for further discussion of this.
Social anxiety. This encompasses any fear of interacting with people, and at its extreme can include agoraphobia, the fear of leaving your home. One aspect of agoraphobia is the shame involved in having a debilitating panic attack out in public. Normal kids can have a degree of developmental social anxiety, but when it persists into adulthood and impairs social functioning, there’s a problem. Often, it appears as shyness, stage fright and avoidance of public gatherings.
Approach anxiety. One form of social anxiety is AA, the fear of approaching people. You may do well when introduced to a girl in your group of friends, but the thought of approaching that same girl as a stranger in a bar would trigger anxiety. That fear can affect you simply asking a waitress for a napkin or a checking out at a supermarket. AA is to be distinguished from a mild version which has been called approach reluctance. AA is truly paralyzing, whereas AR is a nagging internal dialogue around which you can still function.
Trigger anxiety. Not much is said about this fear, that of “pulling the trigger.” But fear of escalating is every bit as real as AA. It happens when you’re having a great interaction with a chick, and when that impulse comes to escalate, you don’t do it. You get in your head and in spite of the cues, the set fizzles out. You get angry with yourself, she simply assumes you’re not attracted to her. Getting past TA involves a series of verbal and physical steps, a thorough game plan designed to handle both the escalation and the potential rejection.
Sexual anxiety. You may be able to get a girl into bed, but then blow it because of all the crazy talk in your head. You get flaccid, which makes matters worse, making you feel like less of a man. Huge frustration for all parties involved. Often, the mere anticipation of sex can trip you up, long before the opportunity actually arises. SA is a kind of performance anxiety, but largely is a result of you not being present with the woman (or women) in bed with you. That is, rather than clearing your mind and only acting from your core as a sexual being, your mind is distracted by crap like your cock size.
In my second article on fear management, I’ll discuss methods of getting a handle on your fears.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
What are the chances you're gonna find your soulmate or potential wife in a bar or club? I've been told these aren't the places to go if you want a lasting relationship, but until this recent match.com study, I didn't know the odds.
The website partnered with a research firm and surveyed 7000 married people to see where they met their match.
38% at work/school
27% through a friend/family member
17% online dating site
Wait, where's bar/clubs? Oh yeah, here it is...
8%.
A very tiny part of marriages began in the bar. Now, keep in mind that the survey is sponsored by a dating site and this may affect the results. Also realize the number might be low because responders may not be totally truthful ("I met my husband in a club" may still be a taboo).
But still, that number does reenforce my suspicion that you probably aren't gonna find the girl of your dreams out in the bar or club. It suggests that women who want to get married either don't hang out much in these places, or these women will fuck dudes from the bar but don't as a rule take them seriously as a potential spouse. The study doesn't appear to shed light on the reasons.
The big winners for LTRs, it would then seem, are social circles and work/school. For sure, those are the places I always met my girlfriends.
I don't recommend giving up cold approach in bars, which I still feel is an essential skill for many reasons not least of which is inner game development. But you may want to invest more energy into growing your social circle. I personally am not in school, but if I were I'd certainly be making the most of this as should you. As for work gaming, I am opposed to it (though back when I didn't know any better, I dated plenty of work chicks). If you don't care, then go for it. That's probably where you're gonna find your next ex-wife.
http://cp.match.com/cppp/media/CMB_Study.pdf
The website partnered with a research firm and surveyed 7000 married people to see where they met their match.
38% at work/school
27% through a friend/family member
17% online dating site
Wait, where's bar/clubs? Oh yeah, here it is...
8%.
A very tiny part of marriages began in the bar. Now, keep in mind that the survey is sponsored by a dating site and this may affect the results. Also realize the number might be low because responders may not be totally truthful ("I met my husband in a club" may still be a taboo).
But still, that number does reenforce my suspicion that you probably aren't gonna find the girl of your dreams out in the bar or club. It suggests that women who want to get married either don't hang out much in these places, or these women will fuck dudes from the bar but don't as a rule take them seriously as a potential spouse. The study doesn't appear to shed light on the reasons.
The big winners for LTRs, it would then seem, are social circles and work/school. For sure, those are the places I always met my girlfriends.
I don't recommend giving up cold approach in bars, which I still feel is an essential skill for many reasons not least of which is inner game development. But you may want to invest more energy into growing your social circle. I personally am not in school, but if I were I'd certainly be making the most of this as should you. As for work gaming, I am opposed to it (though back when I didn't know any better, I dated plenty of work chicks). If you don't care, then go for it. That's probably where you're gonna find your next ex-wife.
http://cp.match.com/cppp/media/CMB_Study.pdf
Monday, May 31, 2010
It's here! My new ebook
I sat down this Memorial Day weekend and jotted my new ebook.
INNER GAME PRIMER: Stop being such a fucking pussy
Here it is. Enjoy.
http://itsomusiccompany.com/inner%20game%20primer%20by%20decibel.pdf
INNER GAME PRIMER: Stop being such a fucking pussy
Here it is. Enjoy.
http://itsomusiccompany.com/inner%20game%20primer%20by%20decibel.pdf
Friday, May 21, 2010
The Four Horsemen of Breakups
I just finished reading Tipping Point by Gladwell which was brilliant, and am on to his follow-up, Blink.
He mentions a researcher who can observe a couple talking for a few minutes and then predict with greater than 90% accuracy if in 15 years they will still be together.
The signs he looks for are called the four horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism and contempt.
Defensiveness: a girl accuses you of being stingy, and you argue that you’re not.
Stonewalling: a girl accuses you of being stingy, and you get annoyed and turn away.
Criticism: you accuse a girl of being greedy.
Contempt: a girl accuses you of being stingy, and you roll your eyes and make a disgusted face, or tell her she’s a bitch.
Women tend to be more critical, and men do more stonewalling. The one factor that is most predictive of relationship durability, and which is independent of gender, is contempt. While the other three factors may not promote happy times, contempt actually puts one person on another plane, creating a hierarchy in the relationship. It’s that hierarchy which spells doom.
So be on the look-out for these four signs in your relationships, both coming from you and her. But especially pay attention to evidence of contempt.
He mentions a researcher who can observe a couple talking for a few minutes and then predict with greater than 90% accuracy if in 15 years they will still be together.
The signs he looks for are called the four horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism and contempt.
Defensiveness: a girl accuses you of being stingy, and you argue that you’re not.
Stonewalling: a girl accuses you of being stingy, and you get annoyed and turn away.
Criticism: you accuse a girl of being greedy.
Contempt: a girl accuses you of being stingy, and you roll your eyes and make a disgusted face, or tell her she’s a bitch.
Women tend to be more critical, and men do more stonewalling. The one factor that is most predictive of relationship durability, and which is independent of gender, is contempt. While the other three factors may not promote happy times, contempt actually puts one person on another plane, creating a hierarchy in the relationship. It’s that hierarchy which spells doom.
So be on the look-out for these four signs in your relationships, both coming from you and her. But especially pay attention to evidence of contempt.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
5 things the pickup community doesn’t want you to know
Recently there's been a huge wave of anti-PUA posts. Most of this is written by guys trying to sell their own bootcamps and material. As a joke, I responded with the following post, which echoes a lot of the comments made by these other guys. PUAHate.com I guess thought I was serious, and they've been praising my post lolzzzz.
1. Just be yourself. Come on man. It’s not that hard. Go out and be yourself and girls will sleep with you. You don’t need to go to the gym, or learn about calibration or theory. It’s all bullshit. More lies the community feeds you to sell bootcamps. All you need to do is be yourself. That is, as long as you’re an asshole, since those are the only guys who get laid. Everyone else is just plain weird and will never get laid.
2. Be confident. Girls love confident guys. All you need to do is walk up to a girl and be really confident about yourself, and she’s bound to sleep with you. Getting confidence is easy. You tell yourself you’re awesome, and that’s it…you’re good to go. When you touch girls, do it with confidence. I realize you’ve never been told how to actually do it, but touching girls is like the easiest thing a man can do, so stop being a dick and do it.
3. It’ll happen when you least expect it. Sarging is a waste of time. Have you ever tried sitting around not talking to girls, and have you noticed they ALWAYS talk to you? Ever wonder why this is? You gotta stop trying, because that’s when girls will appear in your life.
4. Don’t take pickup seriously. Come on, man. This shit’s hilarious. Sitting in your mommy’s basement every night well into your 30s, playing video games and not getting laid. Yeah, that’s some funny shit. It’s not like you’re gonna get suicidal doing that. You can go out and have fun, and not really put in much effort, and still get laid. As long as you don’t take this shit seriously, you’re bound to get good at picking up chicks. The moment you start thinking about this as a “journey” or create goals that are uncomfortable and involve work, you’re taking it waaaay too seriously. Lighten the fuck up, man.
5. The community stops you from getting laid and is full of frauds. Posting on the forum is the surest sign you’re not getting laid, or if you are it’s with a war pig. Hanging out with other pickup artists is also a good way to know you’re a virgin. There’s no valid exchange of information on forums. It’s all designed to stop you from getting pussy and turn you into a loser. I’m the only exception. Everyone else sucks except me, so always listen to what I have to say. I’m not out to make a ton of money, but everyone else is. Pretty much everyone in the community who teaches is a fraud. (Except me. I’m ok).
1. Just be yourself. Come on man. It’s not that hard. Go out and be yourself and girls will sleep with you. You don’t need to go to the gym, or learn about calibration or theory. It’s all bullshit. More lies the community feeds you to sell bootcamps. All you need to do is be yourself. That is, as long as you’re an asshole, since those are the only guys who get laid. Everyone else is just plain weird and will never get laid.
2. Be confident. Girls love confident guys. All you need to do is walk up to a girl and be really confident about yourself, and she’s bound to sleep with you. Getting confidence is easy. You tell yourself you’re awesome, and that’s it…you’re good to go. When you touch girls, do it with confidence. I realize you’ve never been told how to actually do it, but touching girls is like the easiest thing a man can do, so stop being a dick and do it.
3. It’ll happen when you least expect it. Sarging is a waste of time. Have you ever tried sitting around not talking to girls, and have you noticed they ALWAYS talk to you? Ever wonder why this is? You gotta stop trying, because that’s when girls will appear in your life.
4. Don’t take pickup seriously. Come on, man. This shit’s hilarious. Sitting in your mommy’s basement every night well into your 30s, playing video games and not getting laid. Yeah, that’s some funny shit. It’s not like you’re gonna get suicidal doing that. You can go out and have fun, and not really put in much effort, and still get laid. As long as you don’t take this shit seriously, you’re bound to get good at picking up chicks. The moment you start thinking about this as a “journey” or create goals that are uncomfortable and involve work, you’re taking it waaaay too seriously. Lighten the fuck up, man.
5. The community stops you from getting laid and is full of frauds. Posting on the forum is the surest sign you’re not getting laid, or if you are it’s with a war pig. Hanging out with other pickup artists is also a good way to know you’re a virgin. There’s no valid exchange of information on forums. It’s all designed to stop you from getting pussy and turn you into a loser. I’m the only exception. Everyone else sucks except me, so always listen to what I have to say. I’m not out to make a ton of money, but everyone else is. Pretty much everyone in the community who teaches is a fraud. (Except me. I’m ok).
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Clarity
Women are allowed to be tangential and illogical. Men are not. We are expected to be clear in our actions and intentions. But a lot of fuckers lack clarity. I was a victim of this for most of my life. Once I became clear inside and out, I felt much lighter and could make very direct connections with people very quickly.
There’s a lot involved in what it means to be clear. Let’s pick some of this shit apart.
First, there’s the subconscious. They tell me this is 88% of your mind, so we can safely state the subconscious has a big say in the things we do. Sometimes it’s obvious when our subconscious is creating noise in our heads, but often it’s subtle.
For example, many times when I ask a dude to go approach, he’ll first take a sip of his drink, then hesitate, then give me some reasons why he won’t approach.
Dissecting this, there are two ways this guy is demonstrating lack of clarity. First, he’s taking a sip. This is his subconscious saying, “I miss my mommy and wish her teets were here because I’m scared. But instead of having my mommy, I’ll take a sip from this straw.” It’s a pacifying maneuver intended to alleviate the internal conflict, in this case the desire to approach coupled with the fear of the approach.
His second sign is his creating logical excuses to not approach. The dude’s attracted to her, he’s horny, he knows consciously the approach is the right thing to do and he has never ever regretted any approach he’s ever made. And yet there’s the conscious mind trying to talk himself out of taking action.
Okay, so in both examples, he isn’t acting and speaking clearly. He has conflict, incongruence and fear, and is feeling the need to defend himself and assuage himself. As opposed to a man who is clear with his desires, owns them unabashedly, and does what he feels is the right thing.
Now, if I were inside this dude’s head, there may be a bunch of “noise” or “static.” Things that he may be processing, consciously or subconsciously:
“I’m too old.”
“I don’t have money for dates.”
“Mommy was controlling, and I fear this girl might turn out to be like mommy.”
“My last girlfriend cheated on me, and I’m afraid this girl might do the same.”
“This girl is just gonna reject me like the last five girls, so what’s the point?”
“I’m not wearing any peacocking.”
“My breath smells.”
Again, none of this may rise up to your conscious level. It may all be processing deeper below your level of consciousness, but would certainly be telegraphing out through your subcoms. And most definitely these beliefs will be delaying you from taking action or moving your interactions forward. So while we talk about “being in your head” with negative self-talk, it’s possible to be in your body yet still affected by these limiting beliefs.
This is all clutter that leads to lack of clarity within. It’s all harmful. The end result is you not taking full ownership of your intentions. The hotty doesn’t know exactly why and doesn’t care. Often, she’ll blame herself as undesirable to you. What matters is that your lack of clarity will create in women a similar lack of clarity. She will get confused and lose focus. Girls are mirrors of our own inner state, so if chicks seem confused around you it’s probably because you are confusing them. Your job is to figure out why.
The pickup community is often accused of being misogynistic, treating women like children. But guess what...there are similarities. So when I want to research how to talk to women, I can find advice in sources dealing with child rearing.
Here’s a quote I found today:
Children learn best by being given clear, firm and consistent direction from parents who are clear, firm and consistent in their approach.
Women…kids…same thing. Be clear. Speak with power. Be congruent.
The author of this statement goes on to say, “Firstly, find and maintain clarity within yourself.” Brilliant. “It is about being plain, obvious and understandable in a clear, short sentence that explains exactly what you mean. It isn’t about maybe this or maybe that.” Exactly.
Gather up your potential sources of confusion and get to work:
1. Clearing out the subconscious. You may have repressed negative experiences involving girls or your mom, and you may be tainting all your interactions before they even begin. Sometimes you have a clue what’s going on below the surface, but sometimes those beliefs are so deep that you need to consult a professional to get at them.
2. Uncluttering the conscious. This is where Tolle comes in. The Power of Now teaches people how to recognize that egoic voice and then how to distance themselves from it as the observer. This takes a bit of effort for some, but with practice it becomes easier to recognize what is unproductive bullshit that can be dismissed. Pretty much there are thoughts that get you laid, and then there’s everything else. All that other crap is irrelevant and needs to be quarantined and set aside.
3. Making your words clear. Stop using fillers like “uummmm,” stop punctuating your remarks with nervous laughs. Before you speak, think about what you want to say and then create a sentence. There are organizations like Toast Masters that can help you recognize and break bad habits. Go take those classes.
4. Quit with all the jazz hands and shit. A little gesturing is ok. Excessive sign language is distracting. Simplify your movements. Use your hands expressively but not defensively.
5. Recognize pacifying maneuvers and quiet them. Hands in pockets, touching your face, putting your drink up between your face and hers. These are ways to create an invisible wall of protection around yourself. Why are you protecting yourself from something you desire? Does this make sense? Buzzz…unclear.
6. Project. Give yourself permission to speak loudly. You can turn the dial up on your radio, but you simply aren’t doing it because you’re afraid of being heard. If you wanna say something, fucking say it. If you’re stifling your voice, you must be unsure about the message you’re trying to relate. When you have clarity and you need to say something, you say it so people hear it. If you need to take voice lessons, go off and take them. However many times it’s not so much a problem with vocal technique, but more a psychological issue. Believing your voice matters and that you deserve to be heard, this is the first step needed to speak loudly.
7. Believe in yourself. Be your own salesman. Ain’t nobody else gonna do it for you. If you believe in a product, you’re gonna sell it with conviction and clarity. If you’re unsure about the product’s worth, you’re gonna be wishy-washy in your delivery. Self-affirmations work for some people. There are a bunch of self-help books and videos around that may move you in the right direction. But ultimately you need to love and respect yourself fully for this to click.
There’s a lot involved in what it means to be clear. Let’s pick some of this shit apart.
First, there’s the subconscious. They tell me this is 88% of your mind, so we can safely state the subconscious has a big say in the things we do. Sometimes it’s obvious when our subconscious is creating noise in our heads, but often it’s subtle.
For example, many times when I ask a dude to go approach, he’ll first take a sip of his drink, then hesitate, then give me some reasons why he won’t approach.
Dissecting this, there are two ways this guy is demonstrating lack of clarity. First, he’s taking a sip. This is his subconscious saying, “I miss my mommy and wish her teets were here because I’m scared. But instead of having my mommy, I’ll take a sip from this straw.” It’s a pacifying maneuver intended to alleviate the internal conflict, in this case the desire to approach coupled with the fear of the approach.
His second sign is his creating logical excuses to not approach. The dude’s attracted to her, he’s horny, he knows consciously the approach is the right thing to do and he has never ever regretted any approach he’s ever made. And yet there’s the conscious mind trying to talk himself out of taking action.
Okay, so in both examples, he isn’t acting and speaking clearly. He has conflict, incongruence and fear, and is feeling the need to defend himself and assuage himself. As opposed to a man who is clear with his desires, owns them unabashedly, and does what he feels is the right thing.
Now, if I were inside this dude’s head, there may be a bunch of “noise” or “static.” Things that he may be processing, consciously or subconsciously:
“I’m too old.”
“I don’t have money for dates.”
“Mommy was controlling, and I fear this girl might turn out to be like mommy.”
“My last girlfriend cheated on me, and I’m afraid this girl might do the same.”
“This girl is just gonna reject me like the last five girls, so what’s the point?”
“I’m not wearing any peacocking.”
“My breath smells.”
Again, none of this may rise up to your conscious level. It may all be processing deeper below your level of consciousness, but would certainly be telegraphing out through your subcoms. And most definitely these beliefs will be delaying you from taking action or moving your interactions forward. So while we talk about “being in your head” with negative self-talk, it’s possible to be in your body yet still affected by these limiting beliefs.
This is all clutter that leads to lack of clarity within. It’s all harmful. The end result is you not taking full ownership of your intentions. The hotty doesn’t know exactly why and doesn’t care. Often, she’ll blame herself as undesirable to you. What matters is that your lack of clarity will create in women a similar lack of clarity. She will get confused and lose focus. Girls are mirrors of our own inner state, so if chicks seem confused around you it’s probably because you are confusing them. Your job is to figure out why.
The pickup community is often accused of being misogynistic, treating women like children. But guess what...there are similarities. So when I want to research how to talk to women, I can find advice in sources dealing with child rearing.
Here’s a quote I found today:
Children learn best by being given clear, firm and consistent direction from parents who are clear, firm and consistent in their approach.
Women…kids…same thing. Be clear. Speak with power. Be congruent.
The author of this statement goes on to say, “Firstly, find and maintain clarity within yourself.” Brilliant. “It is about being plain, obvious and understandable in a clear, short sentence that explains exactly what you mean. It isn’t about maybe this or maybe that.” Exactly.
Gather up your potential sources of confusion and get to work:
1. Clearing out the subconscious. You may have repressed negative experiences involving girls or your mom, and you may be tainting all your interactions before they even begin. Sometimes you have a clue what’s going on below the surface, but sometimes those beliefs are so deep that you need to consult a professional to get at them.
2. Uncluttering the conscious. This is where Tolle comes in. The Power of Now teaches people how to recognize that egoic voice and then how to distance themselves from it as the observer. This takes a bit of effort for some, but with practice it becomes easier to recognize what is unproductive bullshit that can be dismissed. Pretty much there are thoughts that get you laid, and then there’s everything else. All that other crap is irrelevant and needs to be quarantined and set aside.
3. Making your words clear. Stop using fillers like “uummmm,” stop punctuating your remarks with nervous laughs. Before you speak, think about what you want to say and then create a sentence. There are organizations like Toast Masters that can help you recognize and break bad habits. Go take those classes.
4. Quit with all the jazz hands and shit. A little gesturing is ok. Excessive sign language is distracting. Simplify your movements. Use your hands expressively but not defensively.
5. Recognize pacifying maneuvers and quiet them. Hands in pockets, touching your face, putting your drink up between your face and hers. These are ways to create an invisible wall of protection around yourself. Why are you protecting yourself from something you desire? Does this make sense? Buzzz…unclear.
6. Project. Give yourself permission to speak loudly. You can turn the dial up on your radio, but you simply aren’t doing it because you’re afraid of being heard. If you wanna say something, fucking say it. If you’re stifling your voice, you must be unsure about the message you’re trying to relate. When you have clarity and you need to say something, you say it so people hear it. If you need to take voice lessons, go off and take them. However many times it’s not so much a problem with vocal technique, but more a psychological issue. Believing your voice matters and that you deserve to be heard, this is the first step needed to speak loudly.
7. Believe in yourself. Be your own salesman. Ain’t nobody else gonna do it for you. If you believe in a product, you’re gonna sell it with conviction and clarity. If you’re unsure about the product’s worth, you’re gonna be wishy-washy in your delivery. Self-affirmations work for some people. There are a bunch of self-help books and videos around that may move you in the right direction. But ultimately you need to love and respect yourself fully for this to click.
Friday, May 14, 2010
2 reasons to game
I was sitting at the crew meeting last night with Erika Awakening and I heard guys express reservation about speaking honestly with a girl because it could ruin their chances. And so if the guy was feeling anxious, or was projecting past relationships into the current one, rather than express his concerns he pushed his negative feelings deeper. Though this approach wasn’t working long term, it made for a pretty good band-aid.
Yes, there is sound logic strategically to not being fully honest with people about your emotions. You won’t get the girl if you look like a pussy. On the other hand, being able to speak your mind freely is therapeutic, and while it may sink the current interaction, it’ll help with future girls.
It boils down to having two goals when you game:
The first: it’s about you.
The second: it’s about her.
Things that aren’t challenging to you and which advance the interaction forward, are about her. Getting the girl. Things that challenge you emotionally and are not intended to move things along are about you. You can have one without the other, or they can be compatible.
Examples of saying/doing things that are about you:
“Wow, I’m trying to think of something to say right now but you’re making me super nervous.”
“I was gonna approach you 10 minutes ago but you’re really hot so I’m actually intimidated.”
Blowing yourself out on purpose with absurd comments to toughen your skin.
Escalating too hard to get past the anxiety you feel, even though it creeps her out.
Ok, so here’s another one of my famous metaphors…
You are the general commanding an army. Your army is malnourished, tired and getting sick from dysentery. Should you be focusing your attention on: a) strategies to win the war, or b) improving the health of your troops?
Seems like a no-brainer. If you let your troops die, you ain’t winning the battle. If you spend all your energy on tactics, at the expense of providing basic assistance to the soldiers, then all that energy is mental masturbation.
This is exactly the same with game, though instead of going into combat, you’re trying to seduce a broad. Here, your inner game is the battalion, sick and on the verge of collapse.
Say you are feeling a negative emotion in set. Your soldiers are sick. Do you decide to stifle those emotions because it’s a better tactical decision, or instead do you bring those emotions to the surface and express them, because doing so will help heal your inner game?
If your troops are sick, fucking take care of the troops.
Worrying about her – that is, wondering if a certain strategy is the best outer game - in this case, is a luxury. When your inner game sucks, it should all be about you. As your inner health improves, you can then shift focus onto her. Once you’ve conquered whatever is internally stopping you from success, then you can reconsider the best strategies to win the war.
Always be cognizant of this in field. If a set doesn’t go well, remind yourself, “well it’s about me anyways.” If you’re afraid to say or do something, still do it because “it’s about me.”
In a final example, yesterday I called a chick I met last week. I had a bunch of reasons to delete the number and move on (one reason being I didn’t even remember her fucking name lolzzz). I envisioned the awkwardness of calling up a girl who might not remember me, whose name I didn’t even know. And that’s when I made the decision to call. Even though the call could’ve ended up weird and humiliating, or a waste of time, or her getting pissed (it didn’t by the way), I did it anyway…for me.
Yes, there is sound logic strategically to not being fully honest with people about your emotions. You won’t get the girl if you look like a pussy. On the other hand, being able to speak your mind freely is therapeutic, and while it may sink the current interaction, it’ll help with future girls.
It boils down to having two goals when you game:
The first: it’s about you.
The second: it’s about her.
Things that aren’t challenging to you and which advance the interaction forward, are about her. Getting the girl. Things that challenge you emotionally and are not intended to move things along are about you. You can have one without the other, or they can be compatible.
Examples of saying/doing things that are about you:
“Wow, I’m trying to think of something to say right now but you’re making me super nervous.”
“I was gonna approach you 10 minutes ago but you’re really hot so I’m actually intimidated.”
Blowing yourself out on purpose with absurd comments to toughen your skin.
Escalating too hard to get past the anxiety you feel, even though it creeps her out.
Ok, so here’s another one of my famous metaphors…
You are the general commanding an army. Your army is malnourished, tired and getting sick from dysentery. Should you be focusing your attention on: a) strategies to win the war, or b) improving the health of your troops?
Seems like a no-brainer. If you let your troops die, you ain’t winning the battle. If you spend all your energy on tactics, at the expense of providing basic assistance to the soldiers, then all that energy is mental masturbation.
This is exactly the same with game, though instead of going into combat, you’re trying to seduce a broad. Here, your inner game is the battalion, sick and on the verge of collapse.
Say you are feeling a negative emotion in set. Your soldiers are sick. Do you decide to stifle those emotions because it’s a better tactical decision, or instead do you bring those emotions to the surface and express them, because doing so will help heal your inner game?
If your troops are sick, fucking take care of the troops.
Worrying about her – that is, wondering if a certain strategy is the best outer game - in this case, is a luxury. When your inner game sucks, it should all be about you. As your inner health improves, you can then shift focus onto her. Once you’ve conquered whatever is internally stopping you from success, then you can reconsider the best strategies to win the war.
Always be cognizant of this in field. If a set doesn’t go well, remind yourself, “well it’s about me anyways.” If you’re afraid to say or do something, still do it because “it’s about me.”
In a final example, yesterday I called a chick I met last week. I had a bunch of reasons to delete the number and move on (one reason being I didn’t even remember her fucking name lolzzz). I envisioned the awkwardness of calling up a girl who might not remember me, whose name I didn’t even know. And that’s when I made the decision to call. Even though the call could’ve ended up weird and humiliating, or a waste of time, or her getting pissed (it didn’t by the way), I did it anyway…for me.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Being Real
We hear people say “just be yourself.” Obviously, when you’re socially miscalibrated and weird, being yourself doesn’t attract women. So this is crappy advice, mostly given by women who simply have to show and up look pretty to get rewarded.
Because of this, we must learn how to DHV and not DLV. We get our subcoms handled and project confidence. Then with practice we can relax and “just be ourselves.” That is, be our better selves.
Being yourself, once you’ve learned how to do it right, is a great goal. But the next step is being real.
Here’s an example from last night, where I was chatting up a feisty cutie:
Me: Girls tell me guys will lie about anything to sleep with them. That’s why girls don’t trust dudes in LA.
Her: So, you’re saying I shouldn’t trust you?
Me: No, of course you shouldn’t.
Her: (dumbfounded look) Uhhh…why not?
Me: Because that’s something I should earn. You oughta keep your guards up til you get to know me better. I respect that.
Clearly not what she expected to hear, which was probably more along the lines of “yeah, sure you can trust me!” In that moment, I wasn’t interested in bullshit, and neither was she. Saying “just trust me” is a ploy; saying “don’t trust me…you don’t even know me” is being real. One smells like a hard sell, the other is genuine and disarming.
Girls get hit on A LOT. Even the ones who aren’t that attractive, yeah they get gamed as much as the hot chicks. So with all this exposure to game, they can recognize BS a mile away, and can easily tell when you’re out there trying to peddle snake oil.
Where being a PUA turns into a liability is when you’re not being genuine, when you’re running routines that seem contrived, when you’re giving answers that are too textbook. Guys think they should have “solid game” to win over chicks. Many times though, that’s exactly what sinks the interaction. Admitting you fucked up your game is one of the best ways to get attraction. Case in point:
Me: Wow, you have really sexy elbows!
Her: What? I’m wearing sleeves. You can’t even see my elbows!
Me: Yeeeahh…you got me. You’re cute and I just wanted an excuse to say hi.
The more skittish a girl is, the less you should “game” her. Chilling back, vibing, but still showing intent, will get you in without setting off her “PUA” alarms. These are the girls who have their arms crossed, or are stabbing their straws into their drinks, or are calling you out on your pick-up line. Disarming these girls involves push-pull, but here again let me emphasize you still need to appear genuine with it.
Going back to last night:
Me: Hmm you smell good.
Her: It’s Yves Saint Laurent.
Me: What’s that? Shampoo?
Her: You’ve never heard of Yves Saint Laurent??!!
Me: Oh, I see, you’re one of those high maintenance chicks.
Her: No, I’m not high maintenance.
Me: Hmmm…let me see again…(pull her hair, bite her neck and earlobe, etc).
This feels in-the-moment and real now, because I’ve internalized the concept of push-pull. That’s how I’m wired to talk to chicks, but it took tons of trial and error. When I started out, I needed scripts and lines to get the job done. It worked, but felt a bit fake.
As a caveat I should say that many people don't want a guy who is keeping it real. Especially in bars/clubs, and especially around LA, what many girls are doing is comparing facades and then aligning with the most impressive facade. You may find that when you stay real, guys and girls want nothing to do with you. As a result, you may get fewer dates and fewer friends. But the people you have in your life should be of better quality than what you had before.
Some steps you can take to become real…
1. Fake it til you make it. Banter lines and routines are fine for starters. They’ll put you in the right state of mind. Eventually though, relying on them excessively will put you in a rut. Get a few lines memorized and make it a mission to try them out for several nights. Once you rewire your brain, be in the moment and move forward from your core.
2. Find your core. The number one killer of your inner game, in my opinion, is outer game. That is, running all sortsa pyrotechnics intended to wow dames, when in reality what you’re doing is playing hide-and-go-seek with your identity. This is largely because your ego is running the show. So if this is you, drop all the clutter. But some guys still can’t speak from their core because there’s too much damn static in the attic, so recognizing the true inner voice becomes impossible. In addition to decluttering your outer game, you need to do the same inside your head. There’s no way to be genuine if you have a buncha crap mucking things up.
3. Obtain an abundance mentality. I push girls away because I honestly don’t give a fuck. If she’s being too sassy, I’ll call her out on it. But when you’re coming from a place of scarcity, this isn’t so easy. You walk on eggshells and end up seeming needy because all you do is pull. How do you get abundance mentality? It’s not necessarily from having abundance, but from spending enough time in the field to finally recognize just how many hot girls there are in the world. As you raise your bar of what behaviors you’re willing to accept, you go from a place of supplicating to a place of screening. You simply don’t have the time, energy or resources to deal with weirdos...and believe me there’s a shitload of weird girls out there. Hence, out of necessity, you acquire abundance mentality.
4. Don’t care too much about the outcome. If you wanna run textbook game, you may have great success with this. If you instead wanna be real, you’re gonna screw up some of your interactions. When you care that much about the outcome, you’ll find it hard to put your nuts on the line and be genuine. This is high-risk, high-reward stuff. It can either totally bomb your set, or else win her over. Have one eye on the outcome, just enough to move in that direction, but stop caring so much about getting there.
5. Own it. I’m short. I recognize that being tall is more attractive, so I wear lifts that add four inches. And when I do, it’s a lot easier for me to gain attraction. This doesn’t mean I won’t go out in flat shoes, or that I care at all if a girl is taller. I accept my height and this isn’t a self-esteem issue. The same would hold for my race or any other aspect of my being that isn’t changeable. What you got, own it. If you can overcome flaws, then do it. If not, then accept things as they are. It’s ok to hide and exaggerate various aspects (god knows girls do this all the time…push-up bras, anyone?). What’s not ok is to let these perceived flaws affect your sense of worth, because once a chick shatters the illusion and sees you crumble, it’s game over. So if a girl calls me out on my shoe lifts, I say, “if I didn’t wear them my eyes would be at your chest level, and then I’d be staring at your tits all night, which is just rude.”
6. Be uncomfortable. Put yourself into awkward situations. Say provocative things that will likely blow you out. Manhandle girls. It’s all ok. You’ll survive. And with these blow-outs you’ll move farther outside your comfort zone. Soon enough, you’ll find yourself comfortable in any situation, which will permit you to be free to say and do what you feel.
Because of this, we must learn how to DHV and not DLV. We get our subcoms handled and project confidence. Then with practice we can relax and “just be ourselves.” That is, be our better selves.
Being yourself, once you’ve learned how to do it right, is a great goal. But the next step is being real.
Here’s an example from last night, where I was chatting up a feisty cutie:
Me: Girls tell me guys will lie about anything to sleep with them. That’s why girls don’t trust dudes in LA.
Her: So, you’re saying I shouldn’t trust you?
Me: No, of course you shouldn’t.
Her: (dumbfounded look) Uhhh…why not?
Me: Because that’s something I should earn. You oughta keep your guards up til you get to know me better. I respect that.
Clearly not what she expected to hear, which was probably more along the lines of “yeah, sure you can trust me!” In that moment, I wasn’t interested in bullshit, and neither was she. Saying “just trust me” is a ploy; saying “don’t trust me…you don’t even know me” is being real. One smells like a hard sell, the other is genuine and disarming.
Girls get hit on A LOT. Even the ones who aren’t that attractive, yeah they get gamed as much as the hot chicks. So with all this exposure to game, they can recognize BS a mile away, and can easily tell when you’re out there trying to peddle snake oil.
Where being a PUA turns into a liability is when you’re not being genuine, when you’re running routines that seem contrived, when you’re giving answers that are too textbook. Guys think they should have “solid game” to win over chicks. Many times though, that’s exactly what sinks the interaction. Admitting you fucked up your game is one of the best ways to get attraction. Case in point:
Me: Wow, you have really sexy elbows!
Her: What? I’m wearing sleeves. You can’t even see my elbows!
Me: Yeeeahh…you got me. You’re cute and I just wanted an excuse to say hi.
The more skittish a girl is, the less you should “game” her. Chilling back, vibing, but still showing intent, will get you in without setting off her “PUA” alarms. These are the girls who have their arms crossed, or are stabbing their straws into their drinks, or are calling you out on your pick-up line. Disarming these girls involves push-pull, but here again let me emphasize you still need to appear genuine with it.
Going back to last night:
Me: Hmm you smell good.
Her: It’s Yves Saint Laurent.
Me: What’s that? Shampoo?
Her: You’ve never heard of Yves Saint Laurent??!!
Me: Oh, I see, you’re one of those high maintenance chicks.
Her: No, I’m not high maintenance.
Me: Hmmm…let me see again…(pull her hair, bite her neck and earlobe, etc).
This feels in-the-moment and real now, because I’ve internalized the concept of push-pull. That’s how I’m wired to talk to chicks, but it took tons of trial and error. When I started out, I needed scripts and lines to get the job done. It worked, but felt a bit fake.
As a caveat I should say that many people don't want a guy who is keeping it real. Especially in bars/clubs, and especially around LA, what many girls are doing is comparing facades and then aligning with the most impressive facade. You may find that when you stay real, guys and girls want nothing to do with you. As a result, you may get fewer dates and fewer friends. But the people you have in your life should be of better quality than what you had before.
Some steps you can take to become real…
1. Fake it til you make it. Banter lines and routines are fine for starters. They’ll put you in the right state of mind. Eventually though, relying on them excessively will put you in a rut. Get a few lines memorized and make it a mission to try them out for several nights. Once you rewire your brain, be in the moment and move forward from your core.
2. Find your core. The number one killer of your inner game, in my opinion, is outer game. That is, running all sortsa pyrotechnics intended to wow dames, when in reality what you’re doing is playing hide-and-go-seek with your identity. This is largely because your ego is running the show. So if this is you, drop all the clutter. But some guys still can’t speak from their core because there’s too much damn static in the attic, so recognizing the true inner voice becomes impossible. In addition to decluttering your outer game, you need to do the same inside your head. There’s no way to be genuine if you have a buncha crap mucking things up.
3. Obtain an abundance mentality. I push girls away because I honestly don’t give a fuck. If she’s being too sassy, I’ll call her out on it. But when you’re coming from a place of scarcity, this isn’t so easy. You walk on eggshells and end up seeming needy because all you do is pull. How do you get abundance mentality? It’s not necessarily from having abundance, but from spending enough time in the field to finally recognize just how many hot girls there are in the world. As you raise your bar of what behaviors you’re willing to accept, you go from a place of supplicating to a place of screening. You simply don’t have the time, energy or resources to deal with weirdos...and believe me there’s a shitload of weird girls out there. Hence, out of necessity, you acquire abundance mentality.
4. Don’t care too much about the outcome. If you wanna run textbook game, you may have great success with this. If you instead wanna be real, you’re gonna screw up some of your interactions. When you care that much about the outcome, you’ll find it hard to put your nuts on the line and be genuine. This is high-risk, high-reward stuff. It can either totally bomb your set, or else win her over. Have one eye on the outcome, just enough to move in that direction, but stop caring so much about getting there.
5. Own it. I’m short. I recognize that being tall is more attractive, so I wear lifts that add four inches. And when I do, it’s a lot easier for me to gain attraction. This doesn’t mean I won’t go out in flat shoes, or that I care at all if a girl is taller. I accept my height and this isn’t a self-esteem issue. The same would hold for my race or any other aspect of my being that isn’t changeable. What you got, own it. If you can overcome flaws, then do it. If not, then accept things as they are. It’s ok to hide and exaggerate various aspects (god knows girls do this all the time…push-up bras, anyone?). What’s not ok is to let these perceived flaws affect your sense of worth, because once a chick shatters the illusion and sees you crumble, it’s game over. So if a girl calls me out on my shoe lifts, I say, “if I didn’t wear them my eyes would be at your chest level, and then I’d be staring at your tits all night, which is just rude.”
6. Be uncomfortable. Put yourself into awkward situations. Say provocative things that will likely blow you out. Manhandle girls. It’s all ok. You’ll survive. And with these blow-outs you’ll move farther outside your comfort zone. Soon enough, you’ll find yourself comfortable in any situation, which will permit you to be free to say and do what you feel.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Assertiveness, Intent, Drive
Here’s some more pop psychology for ya. I never read self-help books or go to seminars. I just watch people and then meditate for hours on what I think’s happening. But I feel it’s pretty accurate. Strap yourself in, this one’s long.
To get shit done, you need these three ingredients: you must possess drive (aka libido), you gotta focus your drive in the form of intent, and then you have to manifest your intent through assertiveness. Let’s start at the end and work backwards.
Assertiveness
You see something you want and you go after it, whether that’s a job position, a girl or a bartender’s attention. Have intent with no assertiveness, and you wind up with zip. So assertiveness takes your intent and puts it into action. Of course, if you lack intent, you won’t be assertive, so intent is a prerequisite.
Too much and you’re aggressive, too little and you’re passive. The aggressor is the bully, the passivist is the doormat, and the assertive guy is in between.
Aggressive people tend to step over the boundaries of passive people, resulting in abuse and manipulation. Assertive people say what they mean and go after what they want, but not in a way that is harmful to others or disrespectful of others’ boundaries. If an assertive person meets an aggressive person, he will defend his boundaries from aggression.
So in the case of the bartender, a passive guy will stand meekly by waiting for the bartender to notice him while everyone else steps around him and gets waited on. The aggressive guy will push and shove everyone out of the way and yell at the bartender for help. The assertive guy will step up to the bar without pushing anyone aside, will focus on the bartender until they lock eyes, and then will make his voice heard in a way that is commanding.
There is no issue of clarity with the aggressive or the assertive guy. The passive guy, however, seems unclear about his intent (this is the perception of others, even if he is clear in his head). And so he is often ignored and passed by. Men don’t respect him and women aren’t captivated by him. Even if he is full of intent, he doesn’t show it, so he is seen as a pussy, someone who doesn’t feel good about himself, wishy washy, lets people take advantage of him, doesn’t feel free to express himself.
Aggressive people don’t have an issue with expressing their desires, but often the trouble is in controlling their emotions. So they explode unexpectedly, seem impulsive and brash. A little bit of this is exciting, but eventually the assertive guy appears more solid since he is in command of his emotions. Other people feel good interacting with assertive men, but they often wind up feeling used and disrespected by aggressive men.
Let’s take this to your interaction with girlies. Shall we?
Let’s say you have full-on intent. Meaning you see a hot girl and you want to fuck her. Now, rather than be assertive, you sit there and don’t approach. Or in another situation, you want to make out with a girl you’re hitting on, but that voice in your head stops you. Or perhaps she’s being a bitch and you don’t put your foot down, instead buckling and letting her be dominant.
Digging deeper, the cause of not approaching is anxiety. So it is with not pulling the trigger. Perhaps fear of loss stops you from letting girls know when they’ve overstepped your boundaries. Maybe you’re scared that your communication skills are subpar and will inadvertently get you into trouble.
Notice in all these cases the underlying theme is anxiety and fear. If you are truly confident and without fear, you will put your intent into action. Yes there may be repercussions. You may be made a fool of, your ego may get bruised, you may get rejected. But you get back on your feet and reassert yourself, or else realize the goal isn’t worth the effort and then redirect your energies.
Sometimes that fear is masquerading as something else. That’s where excuses come from. Guys who don’t approach often have a list of a dozen reasons to support their behavior. Recognizing this internal dialogue and then disidentifying yourself from it is the first step, and then setting this dialogue aside and doing what you want anyway are the next steps.
So what is neediness? If you like a girl, and you assert your intent, but then she tells you she's busy or sick, and then you STILL push to meet up with her, then you've passed assertiveness and have become aggressive. You are now trying to do what YOU want to do in spite of her feelings.
Intent when pushed aggressively is no longer intent, but agenda. You can come across as callous or needy depending on your frame. But either way, it's clear you have an agenda to do what YOU want to do in spite of her.
To help become more assertive, put your intent into clear and decisive action. Take charge. Lead. Take responsibility and risk. Own your intent.
Intent
Intent is your aim or purpose. In legal terms, it’s the state of your mind when you carry out an action.
If you lack intent, even with strong drive, then you probably aren’t trusting of your decision-making process. Or perhaps you feel yourself unworthy of the goal. You have drive, but you aren’t channeling it for a variety of reasons.
Intent is like light. In terms of meeting broads, the newb starts off with a wide beam of intent similar to a floodlight, and then as he progresses that beam turns into a narrowly focused laser.
If you shine a big floodlight on a girl, she'll get annoyed and give you her number to make you go away. It didn't really penetrate. Examples: never going direct, no flirting, nothing dominant, no qualifying. It’s a wide-open aperture, without focus to the beam, really diffuse. This is the newbie. His intent is usually simply to open 10 sets regardless of his attraction to her, not push to the close, whatever happens happens. Not surprisingly, lotsa flakes result.
At the other extreme is the tightest beam of intent, the laser. This guy demands he not only interact with a girl’s better self, but that he FUCKS her better self. He avoids the frames that don't suit his purposes, he never supplicates, he always self-amuses. He is always internally validated. He is clear about his intent to bang her, even if it's just through his subcoms, though remember that it is his assertiveness which is giving his intent clarity.
In the end, what stops most guys from converting drive into intent is lack of trust in one’s faculties. You may not trust yourself, or you may not be giving yourself permission to act with intent. This could be from social conditioning, your religious up-bringing, over-bearing parents, low self-esteem, et cetera. Something is stopping you from fully embracing your drive, and so you flounder in the intent department, conflicted and unsure.
Naturally there is no quick fix here. You need to do all the soul-searching necessary to own your drive fully and believe you’re the shit, before you can ever hope to assert it with chicks.
Drive/Libido
Too much and you’re a horndog. Too little and your interactions lack sexual charge. Horndogs do get laid, but most high-value women will eventually realize they’re being used for their pussies. Some girls don’t mind this, but most need to feel somewhere along the line that you aren’t PURE libido, that you do care about what’s inside, that you respect her as a human being.
Libido has an organic component. If you’re old like me, you may find your drive diminishing. I have to do little tricks like feeling up a girl while I talk to her, or stare at her tits, to get that surge which once controlled all my thoughts.
Libido also has a psychological basis. If you’re depressed, stressed about finances, over-worked, then your drive suffers. Sometimes you can shut those worries out while you interact with girls, but sometimes they’re too over-whelming.
Let’s face it. Libido is all about procreation. Of course, when we fuck girls, we are hoping NOT to procreate, but on a deep evolutionary level sex is sex because the designer of the system wanted us to do it a whole bunch of times in order to continue our species. You can tell yourself you don’t want kids, and take meticulous and irreversible measures to prevent it from happening, but that is the biological reason behind all this.
So to a degree, we are at the mercy of hormones. Even without intent and assertiveness, you can be raging with drive. The result is a guy who sits at his computer whacking off to porn every night, because he is too confused about his intent or too afraid to go out and bring women into his life.
In the end it’s better to have more than less drive, but drive left unchecked will scare away most girls.
The end goal is to channel your libido with clear intent, and then pursue what you desire assertively, but to also balance this drive with things like charisma, romance and giving value.
To get shit done, you need these three ingredients: you must possess drive (aka libido), you gotta focus your drive in the form of intent, and then you have to manifest your intent through assertiveness. Let’s start at the end and work backwards.
Assertiveness
You see something you want and you go after it, whether that’s a job position, a girl or a bartender’s attention. Have intent with no assertiveness, and you wind up with zip. So assertiveness takes your intent and puts it into action. Of course, if you lack intent, you won’t be assertive, so intent is a prerequisite.
Too much and you’re aggressive, too little and you’re passive. The aggressor is the bully, the passivist is the doormat, and the assertive guy is in between.
Aggressive people tend to step over the boundaries of passive people, resulting in abuse and manipulation. Assertive people say what they mean and go after what they want, but not in a way that is harmful to others or disrespectful of others’ boundaries. If an assertive person meets an aggressive person, he will defend his boundaries from aggression.
So in the case of the bartender, a passive guy will stand meekly by waiting for the bartender to notice him while everyone else steps around him and gets waited on. The aggressive guy will push and shove everyone out of the way and yell at the bartender for help. The assertive guy will step up to the bar without pushing anyone aside, will focus on the bartender until they lock eyes, and then will make his voice heard in a way that is commanding.
There is no issue of clarity with the aggressive or the assertive guy. The passive guy, however, seems unclear about his intent (this is the perception of others, even if he is clear in his head). And so he is often ignored and passed by. Men don’t respect him and women aren’t captivated by him. Even if he is full of intent, he doesn’t show it, so he is seen as a pussy, someone who doesn’t feel good about himself, wishy washy, lets people take advantage of him, doesn’t feel free to express himself.
Aggressive people don’t have an issue with expressing their desires, but often the trouble is in controlling their emotions. So they explode unexpectedly, seem impulsive and brash. A little bit of this is exciting, but eventually the assertive guy appears more solid since he is in command of his emotions. Other people feel good interacting with assertive men, but they often wind up feeling used and disrespected by aggressive men.
Let’s take this to your interaction with girlies. Shall we?
Let’s say you have full-on intent. Meaning you see a hot girl and you want to fuck her. Now, rather than be assertive, you sit there and don’t approach. Or in another situation, you want to make out with a girl you’re hitting on, but that voice in your head stops you. Or perhaps she’s being a bitch and you don’t put your foot down, instead buckling and letting her be dominant.
Digging deeper, the cause of not approaching is anxiety. So it is with not pulling the trigger. Perhaps fear of loss stops you from letting girls know when they’ve overstepped your boundaries. Maybe you’re scared that your communication skills are subpar and will inadvertently get you into trouble.
Notice in all these cases the underlying theme is anxiety and fear. If you are truly confident and without fear, you will put your intent into action. Yes there may be repercussions. You may be made a fool of, your ego may get bruised, you may get rejected. But you get back on your feet and reassert yourself, or else realize the goal isn’t worth the effort and then redirect your energies.
Sometimes that fear is masquerading as something else. That’s where excuses come from. Guys who don’t approach often have a list of a dozen reasons to support their behavior. Recognizing this internal dialogue and then disidentifying yourself from it is the first step, and then setting this dialogue aside and doing what you want anyway are the next steps.
So what is neediness? If you like a girl, and you assert your intent, but then she tells you she's busy or sick, and then you STILL push to meet up with her, then you've passed assertiveness and have become aggressive. You are now trying to do what YOU want to do in spite of her feelings.
Intent when pushed aggressively is no longer intent, but agenda. You can come across as callous or needy depending on your frame. But either way, it's clear you have an agenda to do what YOU want to do in spite of her.
To help become more assertive, put your intent into clear and decisive action. Take charge. Lead. Take responsibility and risk. Own your intent.
Intent
Intent is your aim or purpose. In legal terms, it’s the state of your mind when you carry out an action.
If you lack intent, even with strong drive, then you probably aren’t trusting of your decision-making process. Or perhaps you feel yourself unworthy of the goal. You have drive, but you aren’t channeling it for a variety of reasons.
Intent is like light. In terms of meeting broads, the newb starts off with a wide beam of intent similar to a floodlight, and then as he progresses that beam turns into a narrowly focused laser.
If you shine a big floodlight on a girl, she'll get annoyed and give you her number to make you go away. It didn't really penetrate. Examples: never going direct, no flirting, nothing dominant, no qualifying. It’s a wide-open aperture, without focus to the beam, really diffuse. This is the newbie. His intent is usually simply to open 10 sets regardless of his attraction to her, not push to the close, whatever happens happens. Not surprisingly, lotsa flakes result.
At the other extreme is the tightest beam of intent, the laser. This guy demands he not only interact with a girl’s better self, but that he FUCKS her better self. He avoids the frames that don't suit his purposes, he never supplicates, he always self-amuses. He is always internally validated. He is clear about his intent to bang her, even if it's just through his subcoms, though remember that it is his assertiveness which is giving his intent clarity.
In the end, what stops most guys from converting drive into intent is lack of trust in one’s faculties. You may not trust yourself, or you may not be giving yourself permission to act with intent. This could be from social conditioning, your religious up-bringing, over-bearing parents, low self-esteem, et cetera. Something is stopping you from fully embracing your drive, and so you flounder in the intent department, conflicted and unsure.
Naturally there is no quick fix here. You need to do all the soul-searching necessary to own your drive fully and believe you’re the shit, before you can ever hope to assert it with chicks.
Drive/Libido
Too much and you’re a horndog. Too little and your interactions lack sexual charge. Horndogs do get laid, but most high-value women will eventually realize they’re being used for their pussies. Some girls don’t mind this, but most need to feel somewhere along the line that you aren’t PURE libido, that you do care about what’s inside, that you respect her as a human being.
Libido has an organic component. If you’re old like me, you may find your drive diminishing. I have to do little tricks like feeling up a girl while I talk to her, or stare at her tits, to get that surge which once controlled all my thoughts.
Libido also has a psychological basis. If you’re depressed, stressed about finances, over-worked, then your drive suffers. Sometimes you can shut those worries out while you interact with girls, but sometimes they’re too over-whelming.
Let’s face it. Libido is all about procreation. Of course, when we fuck girls, we are hoping NOT to procreate, but on a deep evolutionary level sex is sex because the designer of the system wanted us to do it a whole bunch of times in order to continue our species. You can tell yourself you don’t want kids, and take meticulous and irreversible measures to prevent it from happening, but that is the biological reason behind all this.
So to a degree, we are at the mercy of hormones. Even without intent and assertiveness, you can be raging with drive. The result is a guy who sits at his computer whacking off to porn every night, because he is too confused about his intent or too afraid to go out and bring women into his life.
In the end it’s better to have more than less drive, but drive left unchecked will scare away most girls.
The end goal is to channel your libido with clear intent, and then pursue what you desire assertively, but to also balance this drive with things like charisma, romance and giving value.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Have respect for the process, fucker
I saw this quote online today by jazz legend Charlie Parker:
Master the instrument, master the music, then forget all that shit and play.
Any journey to a level of mastery requires the understanding that there will be often lengthy plateaus where growth is not apparent, followed by unexpected rises in progress. It’s this appreciation of the process – both during times of growth and times of apparent stagnation – that keeps guys moving towards their goal. If you haven’t read it by now, go get Mastery by George Leonard. It’s a quick read and he’ll help explain this crap.
But most of us probably don’t have that kind of stamina and patience. By nature, we want shit to materialize quickly and with the smallest amount of energy expenditure and risk.
Hence the very high turn-over in the community. Few of my wings from a year ago still go out, and almost all my wings now are newbs. And let me clarify that by “go out” I mean push themselves to get better interacting with people, and girls in particular. It’s just too much fucking work for most. The blow-outs, the rejections, the flakes, your inner dialogue constantly talking trash. What looked like a promise for easy pussy turns into an epic search for the elusive Holy Grail.
Where many of the dudes who give up falter is in lacking respect for the process. They see a goal and they pursue it. When that goal doesn’t materialize after a month, half a year, two years, they surrender in frustration. But as Leonard points out, striving towards a goal at the expense of enjoyment of the process is bound to fail.
It isn’t easy to always enjoy a process that is so often harsh and brutal. Look I’ve been there. Long dry spells. Times when NO set hooks (if you even have the balls to approach). Feeling like you aren’t learning anything. It’s tempting to stay home, and many times I have done just that.
A lot of guys go astray when they get invested in their interactions. This seems healthy, since nobody wants to be an unemotional robot. But really in terms of mastery, it’s detrimental. Cold detachment from your sets and keeping a critical analytical mindset, these are the best ways to learn this skill. Literally being a social scientist in his lab running experiments.
What if you were training to box, and every time a fighter hit you, you went crying to mommy because some dude was mean to you. Come on, the dude you’re boxing is trained to hit you hard in the face, just like that bitch in the club has been trained to disrespect you. It’s the nature of the beast. Don’t take it personal.
Emotional investment is ultimately healthy, but where guys fuck up is in rewarding a girl with this investment before she deserves it. Certainly not day 1 or day 2. Maybe a few weeks into a relationship. But even then, it is reasonable to step back as objectively as possible and take notes on what’s working and what isn’t. You still need to be a scientist while in a relationship, so that you can strengthen your relationship skills. In the end, the process NEVER ends, even when you have apparently met your goal.
I know guys who meticulously analyze every site at the end of the night. And I know guys who refuse to do this analysis. The latter group tends to flounder around never progressing, ultimately pussyless and angry at the game. You wanna be the first guy, not the second. Here are some ways to get there:
1. Pick apart your sets. All of em. Word by word, if you can remember them. Think back to how a girl or set responded to something you said or did. Her body language, her words, the way the friends reacted.
2. When something worked, keep that in your toolbox and try it again to see if it was just luck or was something meaningful. Fuck community dogma. I found a while back that failing to escalate on day 1 works better for me when it comes to closing; for me, the surest way to fuck a girl on a date is to not put my hands on her on day 1. So be observant of what is working for you, and nevermind what everyone else says works for them.
3. Where things didn’t work, come up with a reason why. Maybe you weren’t standing right (hands in pockets or gesturing too much), maybe you were standing too far away to escalate, maybe your wing came in too soon with the wrong energy level. Realize that for every girl you meet, there’s probably a player out there who could seduce her. So don’t assume it’s the girl, assume it’s you.
4. Come up with solutions to your sticking points. If it’s an issue of having a SP, work around this by creating a plan for the next time you sense that SP is popping up. And blast away at that SP til it resolves. To do this, you need to be totally egoless and honest with yourself. “My sticking point is I didn’t pull the trigger and so the set fizzled out.” Good, now how are you gonna resolve to fix this the next time it happens?
5. If you said something that blew yourself out, come up with a few alternatives that would probably have worked better. Ask your wings or come here to the forum if you have no idea what could’ve worked. Because someone out there may have experienced your issue and has resolved it. I got great advice last week from Action on handling bitchiness, and sure enough that very night I put it to good use.
6. If you didn’t say something you should’ve, get that handled too. Last night a couple stunners kept their backs to me after the open. I ejected, but a better tactic would’ve been calling them out. “Wow, I’m not used to talking to the backs of girls heads! Am I getting you two in trouble with your boyfriends? Is that it?” Then apply this solution in future sets and see if it floats or sinks.
Always be respectful that there is a process and that you need to put in the work to get the results. Disrespecting the process – that is, having the audacity to think you can go out night after night and make the same errors without introspection or correcting your course – is like stamping a big red FAIL on your forehead. Don’t be a boner.
Master the instrument, master the music, then forget all that shit and play.
Any journey to a level of mastery requires the understanding that there will be often lengthy plateaus where growth is not apparent, followed by unexpected rises in progress. It’s this appreciation of the process – both during times of growth and times of apparent stagnation – that keeps guys moving towards their goal. If you haven’t read it by now, go get Mastery by George Leonard. It’s a quick read and he’ll help explain this crap.
But most of us probably don’t have that kind of stamina and patience. By nature, we want shit to materialize quickly and with the smallest amount of energy expenditure and risk.
Hence the very high turn-over in the community. Few of my wings from a year ago still go out, and almost all my wings now are newbs. And let me clarify that by “go out” I mean push themselves to get better interacting with people, and girls in particular. It’s just too much fucking work for most. The blow-outs, the rejections, the flakes, your inner dialogue constantly talking trash. What looked like a promise for easy pussy turns into an epic search for the elusive Holy Grail.
Where many of the dudes who give up falter is in lacking respect for the process. They see a goal and they pursue it. When that goal doesn’t materialize after a month, half a year, two years, they surrender in frustration. But as Leonard points out, striving towards a goal at the expense of enjoyment of the process is bound to fail.
It isn’t easy to always enjoy a process that is so often harsh and brutal. Look I’ve been there. Long dry spells. Times when NO set hooks (if you even have the balls to approach). Feeling like you aren’t learning anything. It’s tempting to stay home, and many times I have done just that.
A lot of guys go astray when they get invested in their interactions. This seems healthy, since nobody wants to be an unemotional robot. But really in terms of mastery, it’s detrimental. Cold detachment from your sets and keeping a critical analytical mindset, these are the best ways to learn this skill. Literally being a social scientist in his lab running experiments.
What if you were training to box, and every time a fighter hit you, you went crying to mommy because some dude was mean to you. Come on, the dude you’re boxing is trained to hit you hard in the face, just like that bitch in the club has been trained to disrespect you. It’s the nature of the beast. Don’t take it personal.
Emotional investment is ultimately healthy, but where guys fuck up is in rewarding a girl with this investment before she deserves it. Certainly not day 1 or day 2. Maybe a few weeks into a relationship. But even then, it is reasonable to step back as objectively as possible and take notes on what’s working and what isn’t. You still need to be a scientist while in a relationship, so that you can strengthen your relationship skills. In the end, the process NEVER ends, even when you have apparently met your goal.
I know guys who meticulously analyze every site at the end of the night. And I know guys who refuse to do this analysis. The latter group tends to flounder around never progressing, ultimately pussyless and angry at the game. You wanna be the first guy, not the second. Here are some ways to get there:
1. Pick apart your sets. All of em. Word by word, if you can remember them. Think back to how a girl or set responded to something you said or did. Her body language, her words, the way the friends reacted.
2. When something worked, keep that in your toolbox and try it again to see if it was just luck or was something meaningful. Fuck community dogma. I found a while back that failing to escalate on day 1 works better for me when it comes to closing; for me, the surest way to fuck a girl on a date is to not put my hands on her on day 1. So be observant of what is working for you, and nevermind what everyone else says works for them.
3. Where things didn’t work, come up with a reason why. Maybe you weren’t standing right (hands in pockets or gesturing too much), maybe you were standing too far away to escalate, maybe your wing came in too soon with the wrong energy level. Realize that for every girl you meet, there’s probably a player out there who could seduce her. So don’t assume it’s the girl, assume it’s you.
4. Come up with solutions to your sticking points. If it’s an issue of having a SP, work around this by creating a plan for the next time you sense that SP is popping up. And blast away at that SP til it resolves. To do this, you need to be totally egoless and honest with yourself. “My sticking point is I didn’t pull the trigger and so the set fizzled out.” Good, now how are you gonna resolve to fix this the next time it happens?
5. If you said something that blew yourself out, come up with a few alternatives that would probably have worked better. Ask your wings or come here to the forum if you have no idea what could’ve worked. Because someone out there may have experienced your issue and has resolved it. I got great advice last week from Action on handling bitchiness, and sure enough that very night I put it to good use.
6. If you didn’t say something you should’ve, get that handled too. Last night a couple stunners kept their backs to me after the open. I ejected, but a better tactic would’ve been calling them out. “Wow, I’m not used to talking to the backs of girls heads! Am I getting you two in trouble with your boyfriends? Is that it?” Then apply this solution in future sets and see if it floats or sinks.
Always be respectful that there is a process and that you need to put in the work to get the results. Disrespecting the process – that is, having the audacity to think you can go out night after night and make the same errors without introspection or correcting your course – is like stamping a big red FAIL on your forehead. Don’t be a boner.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Focusing Intent
Intent with a woman means essentially, where do you want to go with the interaction? Do you want her as a friend? A sexual option? When your intent is cloudy, confusion sets in. So key always is to have clear intent.
Intent is like light.
1. If you shine a big floodlight on a girl, she'll get annoyed and give you the number to make you go away. It didn't really penetrate. Examples: never going direct, no flirting, nothing dominant, no qualifying.
2. If you instead focus and concentrate your light it might be a pinpoint laser beam, but that sucker will burn a deep hole. Example: state your intent, brush off suggestions of her screening you, be dominant, qualify.
You don't want to have a floodlight. Yes, that will get the #, but it won't leave her with much of a positive impression. You want the laser beam. Strong, undeniable, persistent intent. A drive to close the deal.
Ok, here's a diagram:
A. Wide open aperture, no focus to the beam, really diffuse. This is the newbie. His intent is usually just to open 10 sets regardless of his attraction to her, not push to the close, whatever happens happens. Lotsa flakes.
B. A little tight. Here the guy is saying "I'm only gaming the girls I'm attracted to." His subcoms show he's attracted, as does his verbal game. Problem is, he's still willing to supplicate, be beta, be the dancing monkey, etc, in order to get approval.
C. Tighter beam still. This is the guy who not only talks to girls he's interested in, but demands he interacts with her better self. This guy disqualifies to show he's willing to walk away. He qualifies to show he has standards. He's pretty persistent.
D. Tightest. This guy demands he not only interact with her better self, but that he FUCKS her better self. He avoids the frames that don't suit his purposes, he never supplicates, he always self-amuses. He is always internally validated. He is clear about his intent to bang her, even if it's just through his subcoms or implicit verbals.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Being Normal
Sometimes when I’m out with fellas who are acting all fucking weird, I find myself telling them, “dude, be normal!” It got me thinking, how does one transform from weird to normal?
Why be normal?
When any artist starts learning their skill, they must first internalize the fundamentals. Before he or she can venture out into his or her own unique style, that artist should become competent at or master the style of well-established others. For a guy who isn’t good with people, learning the fundamentals – AKA learning how to be normal and fit into society – should precede him developing his own style of behavior.
Girls want to know you CAN be normal. Not to say you should be ordinary or boring, but if the situation calls for it, you can act like a normal man. When you demonstrate this, she feels comfortable and secure.
Nervousness
A big reason why guys act weird is their anxiety. Put em in a familiar situation like a library, and they’re just fine. But pile expectations on their shoulders like having to talk to people, and they crack.
Nervousness is manifested through all kinds of behaviors: talking too fast, stuttering, looking around too much, moving too fast, playing with his cell phone or jewelry, smiling too much, etc etc etc. Not uncommonly, a guy will demonstrate a whole bunch of these behaviors all at once.
Normal people – unless they’re on coke or something – don’t act this over-stimulated when they’re in the usual social situations. Walk into any bar and look at the guys playing pool, or a pack of college kids drinking, and almost always they’re just chilling and having fun. But put these same guys into stressful situations – maybe a final exam at college or a job interview – and now their nervous behaviors emerge.
So it’s ok to become nervous when you need that adrenaline to boost your ability to handle the stress, but it’s not ok to become nervous when all that’s expected of you is to relax and have fun. Do you see why looking nervous in a social gathering may seem weird to others? Ok, well, you need to work on extinguishing these behaviors. And in large part this will mean finding ways to get out of your head, and into your body. Out of the past and future, and into the present. This is some Eckhart Tolle shit. Read it.
Getting out there into the field – even if it just means sitting by yourself in a bar – will be a main way to get these habits under control. You don’t necessarily have to open sets, but you should at very least feel comfortable in your own skin sitting in a bar by yourself, not worrying how others may judge you. So a night out of your house is NEVER a wasted night, even if you’re just sitting there by yourself feeling uncomfortable. With time, that feeling will get better.
Next, focus on body language signals that indicate your anxiety. There are a few good books on the subject. Read them and then always be cognizant of your own nervous behaviors. If you can’t recognize them, have a wing call you out until these habits are broken. It takes a lot of practice for some, and it means being in your head, but in the end it’s worth it.
Dealing with dudes
We get really good at talking to girls, but still many of us suck at interacting with guys. I for one always had more female than male friends, so learning how to interact with other men took work. Plus, I CAN’T STAND talking about sports, cars, or most of the usual “guy” things.
First off, you gotta learn that normal dudes respect other dudes. They don’t touch them in weird ways, they give them plenty of space, they talk in a linear fashion, they make solid eye contact, they shake hands firmly, they project their voice with confidence, and they don’t say shit to belittle the other dude. If you stand with your crotch in some guy’s face, or you grab his thigh while sitting next to him, or make fun of something he’s wearing…even if he doesn’t kick your ass, he’s probably gonna think you’re weird.
And needless to say, normal dudes aren’t afraid of other dudes. That’s one big problem newbs face, the Fear of the Dude. They avoid mixed sets because of some imaginary fight that might erupt. Or maybe that fear isn’t even well-crystallized, he just refuses to open because some guy is standing there. So a lot of PUAs start off in a mindset of intimidation and fear, or feel threatened before a threat is even posed. Again, can you see how this might be considered weird by others?
Guys are there to help you. Make nice with them. Fear not. If you aren’t sure if he’s involved with the girl you’re after, clarify it with her. Problem solved.
Calibration
This encompasses a coupla ideas. First, there is calibrating your energy level. So if you’re in a chill venue and some PUA is doing his magic monkey routine stack bit, spinning and hooting and high-fiving at level 11, that fucker’s acting weird. Always calibrate your energy to the venue and to the set. Like a normal dude.
Second, it’s about calibrating your level of interest. If you come in direct, and you fail to hook, the girls may keep facing each other without showing you much interest. Continuing to show way more interest than they show back is miscalibrated and ultimately creepy. Using push-pull, particularly with your body language, is a good way to offset this.
Both kinds of calibration take mental focus at first to internalize, but with time this becomes your sixth sense. You automatically adjust your energy level and interest level according to environmental cues. In so doing, you become more normal.
Push-Pull
While on the subject, let’s talk more about this tactic. If you stand there and fluff with chicks, you’ll probably wind up going nowhere. Maybe the friend zone, but that’s about it.
And so we employ the concept of pushing girls away, and pulling them in, both physically and verbally. Because it creates attraction.
Here’s the rub. New guys are afraid to push. Why? Because there’s this smokin hot girl talking to him, and if he pushes her too hard, she’s gonna walk away. And being under the influence of scarcity mindset, that would be equivalent to the walls crashing down. The ego would not be happy, and so the newb handles each girl with kid gloves.
But what about pulling? Showing intent? Naw, the new guy is afraid of that too. The thought of walking up to a girl and being direct, stating intent, escalating sexually…this stuff scares a lot of these guys shitless. And so he tempers his intent, again trying to protect his ego.
As a result, he does pull, but it’s an anxious pull. He does push, but it’s an anxious push. Needless to say, his head explodes. Full-on creeper.
Now. I will say that being creepy is perfectly okay as you’re learning the ropes. You need to get comfy with all these new emotions. Incongruence will happen, miscalibration will be the norm. You will seem weird. And that’s ok. Accept that some of the tactics you employ – like push-pull – will not come off smoothly at first. You will look creepy for now, but with practice, all this gets smoothed out and a normal dude emerges. A guy not afraid to push because he has a new-found abundance mindset, and not afraid to pull because he owns his sexuality and isn’t ashamed of telegraphing it.
Assimilation and Entitlement
Whoa! Hold up fucker! What the hell does that shit mean??
Look, if I am among “my peeps,” whatever that means, I will feel normal. I’m an artsy guy, so by hanging around other artists, I feel more normal. If I hang out with jocks, I feel less normal. Assimilation is a big part of feeling normal.
The problem is this: you should feel comfortable in your own skin, regardless of the company around you. And thus arises the sense of entitlement. Meaning, even though I am in a bar full of frat boys, I still FEEL normal, because I’m fucking entitled to be in that bar as much as the frat boys. I may seem out of place, but I will most definitely not appear weird because I am totally at ease with myself.
When you can’t obtain assimilation, entitlement will keep you looking normal.
Agenda and Intent
Intent is good. Agenda is bad.
When I go out every night, my intent is to meet a lovely lady and get her digits. That’s cool if it happens, but when I’m talking to chicks I’m not trying to force this result. I’m not in my head thinking, “ok, should I get the number NOW?? How about…NOW???”
I’m just vibing and enjoying the moment (or not), and then if I like her I go for the number.
Guys who have agendas look weird. If I see a girl sitting at a bar and I walk up to her confidently, I am a man full of intent. But if I linger, stare at her for a couple minutes, walk past her a few times, bump into her as I go for a napkin, but never actually open, then I’ve revealed: a) I have an agenda to get her to notice me, and b) I’m too chicken shit to talk to her. This is a massive fail.
It’s the same for escalation. If I grab a girl and pull her in for a kiss because she’s said something to turn me on, that’s intent. If I do the classic awkward arm-around-the-shoulder in the movie theater, that’s agenda. One’s manly, the other’s weird.
Have intent, not agenda.
Ok, I could go on, but that’s enough for now.
Why be normal?
When any artist starts learning their skill, they must first internalize the fundamentals. Before he or she can venture out into his or her own unique style, that artist should become competent at or master the style of well-established others. For a guy who isn’t good with people, learning the fundamentals – AKA learning how to be normal and fit into society – should precede him developing his own style of behavior.
Girls want to know you CAN be normal. Not to say you should be ordinary or boring, but if the situation calls for it, you can act like a normal man. When you demonstrate this, she feels comfortable and secure.
Nervousness
A big reason why guys act weird is their anxiety. Put em in a familiar situation like a library, and they’re just fine. But pile expectations on their shoulders like having to talk to people, and they crack.
Nervousness is manifested through all kinds of behaviors: talking too fast, stuttering, looking around too much, moving too fast, playing with his cell phone or jewelry, smiling too much, etc etc etc. Not uncommonly, a guy will demonstrate a whole bunch of these behaviors all at once.
Normal people – unless they’re on coke or something – don’t act this over-stimulated when they’re in the usual social situations. Walk into any bar and look at the guys playing pool, or a pack of college kids drinking, and almost always they’re just chilling and having fun. But put these same guys into stressful situations – maybe a final exam at college or a job interview – and now their nervous behaviors emerge.
So it’s ok to become nervous when you need that adrenaline to boost your ability to handle the stress, but it’s not ok to become nervous when all that’s expected of you is to relax and have fun. Do you see why looking nervous in a social gathering may seem weird to others? Ok, well, you need to work on extinguishing these behaviors. And in large part this will mean finding ways to get out of your head, and into your body. Out of the past and future, and into the present. This is some Eckhart Tolle shit. Read it.
Getting out there into the field – even if it just means sitting by yourself in a bar – will be a main way to get these habits under control. You don’t necessarily have to open sets, but you should at very least feel comfortable in your own skin sitting in a bar by yourself, not worrying how others may judge you. So a night out of your house is NEVER a wasted night, even if you’re just sitting there by yourself feeling uncomfortable. With time, that feeling will get better.
Next, focus on body language signals that indicate your anxiety. There are a few good books on the subject. Read them and then always be cognizant of your own nervous behaviors. If you can’t recognize them, have a wing call you out until these habits are broken. It takes a lot of practice for some, and it means being in your head, but in the end it’s worth it.
Dealing with dudes
We get really good at talking to girls, but still many of us suck at interacting with guys. I for one always had more female than male friends, so learning how to interact with other men took work. Plus, I CAN’T STAND talking about sports, cars, or most of the usual “guy” things.
First off, you gotta learn that normal dudes respect other dudes. They don’t touch them in weird ways, they give them plenty of space, they talk in a linear fashion, they make solid eye contact, they shake hands firmly, they project their voice with confidence, and they don’t say shit to belittle the other dude. If you stand with your crotch in some guy’s face, or you grab his thigh while sitting next to him, or make fun of something he’s wearing…even if he doesn’t kick your ass, he’s probably gonna think you’re weird.
And needless to say, normal dudes aren’t afraid of other dudes. That’s one big problem newbs face, the Fear of the Dude. They avoid mixed sets because of some imaginary fight that might erupt. Or maybe that fear isn’t even well-crystallized, he just refuses to open because some guy is standing there. So a lot of PUAs start off in a mindset of intimidation and fear, or feel threatened before a threat is even posed. Again, can you see how this might be considered weird by others?
Guys are there to help you. Make nice with them. Fear not. If you aren’t sure if he’s involved with the girl you’re after, clarify it with her. Problem solved.
Calibration
This encompasses a coupla ideas. First, there is calibrating your energy level. So if you’re in a chill venue and some PUA is doing his magic monkey routine stack bit, spinning and hooting and high-fiving at level 11, that fucker’s acting weird. Always calibrate your energy to the venue and to the set. Like a normal dude.
Second, it’s about calibrating your level of interest. If you come in direct, and you fail to hook, the girls may keep facing each other without showing you much interest. Continuing to show way more interest than they show back is miscalibrated and ultimately creepy. Using push-pull, particularly with your body language, is a good way to offset this.
Both kinds of calibration take mental focus at first to internalize, but with time this becomes your sixth sense. You automatically adjust your energy level and interest level according to environmental cues. In so doing, you become more normal.
Push-Pull
While on the subject, let’s talk more about this tactic. If you stand there and fluff with chicks, you’ll probably wind up going nowhere. Maybe the friend zone, but that’s about it.
And so we employ the concept of pushing girls away, and pulling them in, both physically and verbally. Because it creates attraction.
Here’s the rub. New guys are afraid to push. Why? Because there’s this smokin hot girl talking to him, and if he pushes her too hard, she’s gonna walk away. And being under the influence of scarcity mindset, that would be equivalent to the walls crashing down. The ego would not be happy, and so the newb handles each girl with kid gloves.
But what about pulling? Showing intent? Naw, the new guy is afraid of that too. The thought of walking up to a girl and being direct, stating intent, escalating sexually…this stuff scares a lot of these guys shitless. And so he tempers his intent, again trying to protect his ego.
As a result, he does pull, but it’s an anxious pull. He does push, but it’s an anxious push. Needless to say, his head explodes. Full-on creeper.
Now. I will say that being creepy is perfectly okay as you’re learning the ropes. You need to get comfy with all these new emotions. Incongruence will happen, miscalibration will be the norm. You will seem weird. And that’s ok. Accept that some of the tactics you employ – like push-pull – will not come off smoothly at first. You will look creepy for now, but with practice, all this gets smoothed out and a normal dude emerges. A guy not afraid to push because he has a new-found abundance mindset, and not afraid to pull because he owns his sexuality and isn’t ashamed of telegraphing it.
Assimilation and Entitlement
Whoa! Hold up fucker! What the hell does that shit mean??
Look, if I am among “my peeps,” whatever that means, I will feel normal. I’m an artsy guy, so by hanging around other artists, I feel more normal. If I hang out with jocks, I feel less normal. Assimilation is a big part of feeling normal.
The problem is this: you should feel comfortable in your own skin, regardless of the company around you. And thus arises the sense of entitlement. Meaning, even though I am in a bar full of frat boys, I still FEEL normal, because I’m fucking entitled to be in that bar as much as the frat boys. I may seem out of place, but I will most definitely not appear weird because I am totally at ease with myself.
When you can’t obtain assimilation, entitlement will keep you looking normal.
Agenda and Intent
Intent is good. Agenda is bad.
When I go out every night, my intent is to meet a lovely lady and get her digits. That’s cool if it happens, but when I’m talking to chicks I’m not trying to force this result. I’m not in my head thinking, “ok, should I get the number NOW?? How about…NOW???”
I’m just vibing and enjoying the moment (or not), and then if I like her I go for the number.
Guys who have agendas look weird. If I see a girl sitting at a bar and I walk up to her confidently, I am a man full of intent. But if I linger, stare at her for a couple minutes, walk past her a few times, bump into her as I go for a napkin, but never actually open, then I’ve revealed: a) I have an agenda to get her to notice me, and b) I’m too chicken shit to talk to her. This is a massive fail.
It’s the same for escalation. If I grab a girl and pull her in for a kiss because she’s said something to turn me on, that’s intent. If I do the classic awkward arm-around-the-shoulder in the movie theater, that’s agenda. One’s manly, the other’s weird.
Have intent, not agenda.
Ok, I could go on, but that’s enough for now.
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