The Four Horsemen of Breakups

I just finished reading Tipping Point by Gladwell which was brilliant, and am on to his follow-up, Blink.

He mentions a researcher who can observe a couple talking for a few minutes and then predict with greater than 90% accuracy if in 15 years they will still be together.

The signs he looks for are called the four horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism and contempt.

Defensiveness: a girl accuses you of being stingy, and you argue that you’re not.
Stonewalling: a girl accuses you of being stingy, and you get annoyed and turn away.
Criticism: you accuse a girl of being greedy.
Contempt: a girl accuses you of being stingy, and you roll your eyes and make a disgusted face, or tell her she’s a bitch.

Women tend to be more critical, and men do more stonewalling. The one factor that is most predictive of relationship durability, and which is independent of gender, is contempt. While the other three factors may not promote happy times, contempt actually puts one person on another plane, creating a hierarchy in the relationship. It’s that hierarchy which spells doom.

So be on the look-out for these four signs in your relationships, both coming from you and her. But especially pay attention to evidence of contempt.