Being Real

We hear people say “just be yourself.” Obviously, when you’re socially miscalibrated and weird, being yourself doesn’t attract women. So this is crappy advice, mostly given by women who simply have to show and up look pretty to get rewarded.

Because of this, we must learn how to DHV and not DLV. We get our subcoms handled and project confidence. Then with practice we can relax and “just be ourselves.” That is, be our better selves.

Being yourself, once you’ve learned how to do it right, is a great goal. But the next step is being real.

Here’s an example from last night, where I was chatting up a feisty cutie:

Me: Girls tell me guys will lie about anything to sleep with them. That’s why girls don’t trust dudes in LA.
Her: So, you’re saying I shouldn’t trust you?
Me: No, of course you shouldn’t.
Her: (dumbfounded look) Uhhh…why not?
Me: Because that’s something I should earn. You oughta keep your guards up til you get to know me better. I respect that.

Clearly not what she expected to hear, which was probably more along the lines of “yeah, sure you can trust me!” In that moment, I wasn’t interested in bullshit, and neither was she. Saying “just trust me” is a ploy; saying “don’t trust me…you don’t even know me” is being real. One smells like a hard sell, the other is genuine and disarming.

Girls get hit on A LOT. Even the ones who aren’t that attractive, yeah they get gamed as much as the hot chicks. So with all this exposure to game, they can recognize BS a mile away, and can easily tell when you’re out there trying to peddle snake oil.

Where being a PUA turns into a liability is when you’re not being genuine, when you’re running routines that seem contrived, when you’re giving answers that are too textbook. Guys think they should have “solid game” to win over chicks. Many times though, that’s exactly what sinks the interaction. Admitting you fucked up your game is one of the best ways to get attraction. Case in point:

Me: Wow, you have really sexy elbows!
Her: What? I’m wearing sleeves. You can’t even see my elbows!
Me: Yeeeahh…you got me. You’re cute and I just wanted an excuse to say hi.

The more skittish a girl is, the less you should “game” her. Chilling back, vibing, but still showing intent, will get you in without setting off her “PUA” alarms. These are the girls who have their arms crossed, or are stabbing their straws into their drinks, or are calling you out on your pick-up line. Disarming these girls involves push-pull, but here again let me emphasize you still need to appear genuine with it.

Going back to last night:

Me: Hmm you smell good.
Her: It’s Yves Saint Laurent.
Me: What’s that? Shampoo?
Her: You’ve never heard of Yves Saint Laurent??!!
Me: Oh, I see, you’re one of those high maintenance chicks.
Her: No, I’m not high maintenance.
Me: Hmmm…let me see again…(pull her hair, bite her neck and earlobe, etc).

This feels in-the-moment and real now, because I’ve internalized the concept of push-pull. That’s how I’m wired to talk to chicks, but it took tons of trial and error. When I started out, I needed scripts and lines to get the job done. It worked, but felt a bit fake.

As a caveat I should say that many people don't want a guy who is keeping it real. Especially in bars/clubs, and especially around LA, what many girls are doing is comparing facades and then aligning with the most impressive facade. You may find that when you stay real, guys and girls want nothing to do with you. As a result, you may get fewer dates and fewer friends. But the people you have in your life should be of better quality than what you had before.

Some steps you can take to become real…

1. Fake it til you make it. Banter lines and routines are fine for starters. They’ll put you in the right state of mind. Eventually though, relying on them excessively will put you in a rut. Get a few lines memorized and make it a mission to try them out for several nights. Once you rewire your brain, be in the moment and move forward from your core.

2. Find your core. The number one killer of your inner game, in my opinion, is outer game. That is, running all sortsa pyrotechnics intended to wow dames, when in reality what you’re doing is playing hide-and-go-seek with your identity. This is largely because your ego is running the show. So if this is you, drop all the clutter. But some guys still can’t speak from their core because there’s too much damn static in the attic, so recognizing the true inner voice becomes impossible. In addition to decluttering your outer game, you need to do the same inside your head. There’s no way to be genuine if you have a buncha crap mucking things up.

3. Obtain an abundance mentality. I push girls away because I honestly don’t give a fuck. If she’s being too sassy, I’ll call her out on it. But when you’re coming from a place of scarcity, this isn’t so easy. You walk on eggshells and end up seeming needy because all you do is pull. How do you get abundance mentality? It’s not necessarily from having abundance, but from spending enough time in the field to finally recognize just how many hot girls there are in the world. As you raise your bar of what behaviors you’re willing to accept, you go from a place of supplicating to a place of screening. You simply don’t have the time, energy or resources to deal with weirdos...and believe me there’s a shitload of weird girls out there. Hence, out of necessity, you acquire abundance mentality.

4. Don’t care too much about the outcome. If you wanna run textbook game, you may have great success with this. If you instead wanna be real, you’re gonna screw up some of your interactions. When you care that much about the outcome, you’ll find it hard to put your nuts on the line and be genuine. This is high-risk, high-reward stuff. It can either totally bomb your set, or else win her over. Have one eye on the outcome, just enough to move in that direction, but stop caring so much about getting there.

5. Own it. I’m short. I recognize that being tall is more attractive, so I wear lifts that add four inches. And when I do, it’s a lot easier for me to gain attraction. This doesn’t mean I won’t go out in flat shoes, or that I care at all if a girl is taller. I accept my height and this isn’t a self-esteem issue. The same would hold for my race or any other aspect of my being that isn’t changeable. What you got, own it. If you can overcome flaws, then do it. If not, then accept things as they are. It’s ok to hide and exaggerate various aspects (god knows girls do this all the time…push-up bras, anyone?). What’s not ok is to let these perceived flaws affect your sense of worth, because once a chick shatters the illusion and sees you crumble, it’s game over. So if a girl calls me out on my shoe lifts, I say, “if I didn’t wear them my eyes would be at your chest level, and then I’d be staring at your tits all night, which is just rude.”

6. Be uncomfortable. Put yourself into awkward situations. Say provocative things that will likely blow you out. Manhandle girls. It’s all ok. You’ll survive. And with these blow-outs you’ll move farther outside your comfort zone. Soon enough, you’ll find yourself comfortable in any situation, which will permit you to be free to say and do what you feel.