An old article of mine has just been translated into French....
10 choses a savoir surles femmes
Here's the English version...
10 things it took me 39 years to learn about women
I've been busy as ever, helping guys all around the country. Work's been hectic, so I haven't had much time to update the blog. Coming soon: an upcoming article for the emagazine Interesting Times, holiday edition. Stay tuned...
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Be a Champ: Living with Intention
You see a cutie at a bookstore and devise a plan to get wit her. Sounds good brother! Problem is, shit crops up, and it tries to derail you every fucking step of the way…
Step One: Approach her
You step to her, but at that very moment, her cell goes off. You abort and reach for a book to save face.
Step Two: Game her
She hangs up and you do finally open her and spit some game. She’s digging you, but the bookstore is closing. You’re forced to leave before the moment feels right to get her number.
Step Three: Get her digits
The two of you keep talking outside. Things are going swell, so you give her your phone and tell her to punch in her number. “Awww…I have a boyfriend,” she apologizes. But you keep chatting her up and finally she admits they’ve broken up a few times and the relationship has been mostly strained. Nice! You invite her to hang out in a few days.
Step Four: Take her out
The time comes to meet up, but she gives you a last-minute excuse about needing to hang out with her dad. You reschedule, she flakes, you reschedule, she flakes. Finally, with enough persistence and game, the two of you meet up.
Step Five: Close the deal
It’s going smoothly. You get her back to your pad and make out, but she resists getting totally undressed. After two hours of foreplay she surrenders and you seduce her. Lay report to follow.
We can all relate to having goals, even these very goals. You see a lovely girl and then a flood of ideas similar to the above pops into your head, planted there by well-meaning fellas like myself…
THE GAME PLAN: approach, gain attraction, take her number, run text game, work logistics, get her out, escalate, pull, close.
By themselves however, these goals may or may not be enough. When they aren’t – as is so often the case – you need something else you can fall back on, something broader and more powerful.
That something is your intention.
Goal vs Intention
So what’s the diff?
The intention was that thought which clicked on in your head when you saw the hottie: “I am going to seduce her.” It’s your internal call to action.
That plan may not be possible. It may in fact have absolutely no basis in reality. It may be so outside your comfort zone and beyond your skill set that the chances of it coming to fruition are as unlikely as a good Jennifer Aniston film.
But intentions don’t care about all that. “I am going to seduce her. Let’s make it happen. Go.”
You set your intention, and then you go about finding ways to bring it into reality. Often you will need to create a series of goals, such as the above. Many times, though, the universe will sort itself out automagically, seemingly with little effort on your part, where everything falls into place.
Goals are at the service of your intention. When certain goals fail (her phone goes off as you approach, she’s got a boyfriend, she keeps flaking), you can always abandon that particular goal and fall back onto your intention for further guidance. Your unwavering intention will then compel you to seek out, stumble upon or invent new goals to see you through.
Outcome Dependence
If you were to live simply by a series of goals without a well-defined intention, then you are operating with dependence on the outcome. And if that outcome fails to result, you’re fucked.
An intention is that inner voice moving you forward, regardless of whether the outcome is even possible. “I intend to seduce that girl, although I’m not positive it can be done.” Hence, outcome independent.
Plenty of people don’t set their intention before mapping out their plan. Are you one of them? They instead analyze the risks, rewards, probabilities and resources, and then once discouraged, abandon their outcome as highly unlikely. In effect, they have allowed the outcome to derail their efforts well before making up their minds to take action.
Many times, one’s happiness relies on the attainment of these goals, rather than on the intention-driven process itself. As such, any day not spent living one’s goals is an unpleasant day, whereas one can easily find fulfillment when living through intentions, even if one’s goals have not been met.
People focused on intentions are living in the present moment, whereas guys constantly aiming at goals are always living in the elusive future.
Mindfulness
You may hear this term tossed around by Buddhists. To be mindful means to be living in the now, present with your own inner states.
While it can be impossible to be aware of all stimuli bombarding you at every moment, you can realize how these factors are affecting you. Do they make you feel anxious, confused, scared, happy? Connecting with your reactions, observing them without judgment, is being mindful.
We speak of being mindful because without it (and clarity) we cannot be in tune with our core values or intentions.
Clarity
Prior to setting your intention, you must be internally clear about what it is you desire. Any intention you create may be undermined by other thoughts:
“I will seduce her…but…she’s out of my league, she’s reading a book, my breath smells, my last girlfriend cheated on me…”
That intention then becomes obscured. Being clear means uncluttering both your conscious and subconscious minds of all this jibber jabber. For more tips, check out my article on Clarity.
When you are clear within, it becomes easier to telegraph your intentions more effectively to others. Even when you speak succinctly, women can typically tell when you’re suffering from inner conflict and chaos. All channels of communication – physical, verbal and other non-verbal – must be congruent, or else any mismatch will be interpreted as lack of clarity.
Values
What drives your intentions is your set of core values, not to be confused with the superficial values that society and upbringing have convinced you are important. I had this chat with a student recently:
Me: So why are you attracted to that broad?
Him: Look at her! She’s smoking!
Me: And why is that important? Besides that it turns you on, what else?
Him: I don’t wanna bang ugs. Or if I did, I wouldn’t tell my boys about her.
Me: Hmm, so then it’s important your friends see you with hot girls?
Him: Totally.
Me: Ok, then sounds like what you value is being accepted by your friends.
Banging a hottie is fantastic and heroic, but often we are driven by deeper values, like in this case peer acceptance.
According to authors Patrick Williams and Diane Menendez, you can start by categorizing your values into three main headings: experiencing, creating and being. From each of these, determine which values most resonate within you, and then align your intentions with these values each and every day.
Experiencing: exploring, athletics, dancing, seeking pleasure, leading, nurturing.
Creating: clarifying, originality, innovating, playing, designing.
Being: integrity, peace, spirituality, loyalty, empathy.
When your intentions and values are in alignment, you find yourself at peace, energized and happy. When they aren’t, life seems turbulent, unfulfilling and lacking direction.
Accountability
A man of integrity who makes a promise will do everything within his power to keep that promise. He has resolve and discipline…whether that promise is to himself or others. He holds himself personally accountable.
You must begin with a reasonable plan. Say I set as my intention, get into better shape. If one goal included working out five times a week then I would fail. This is not gonna happen. I’m way too busy. Three times a week is reasonable, and so that would be a realistic goal.
However, once I’ve created a workable series of goals, I must then hold myself accountable to drag my ass to the gym as I promised myself. No excuses, no procrastination, no negotiations.
So to sum it up: be mindful and clear about what your deep values are, create intentions which are in alignment with these values, devise goals that will bring your intentions into being, and then hold yourself accountable to take action.
Now get out there, fuckers! xoxo
Step One: Approach her
You step to her, but at that very moment, her cell goes off. You abort and reach for a book to save face.
Step Two: Game her
She hangs up and you do finally open her and spit some game. She’s digging you, but the bookstore is closing. You’re forced to leave before the moment feels right to get her number.
Step Three: Get her digits
The two of you keep talking outside. Things are going swell, so you give her your phone and tell her to punch in her number. “Awww…I have a boyfriend,” she apologizes. But you keep chatting her up and finally she admits they’ve broken up a few times and the relationship has been mostly strained. Nice! You invite her to hang out in a few days.
Step Four: Take her out
The time comes to meet up, but she gives you a last-minute excuse about needing to hang out with her dad. You reschedule, she flakes, you reschedule, she flakes. Finally, with enough persistence and game, the two of you meet up.
Step Five: Close the deal
It’s going smoothly. You get her back to your pad and make out, but she resists getting totally undressed. After two hours of foreplay she surrenders and you seduce her. Lay report to follow.
We can all relate to having goals, even these very goals. You see a lovely girl and then a flood of ideas similar to the above pops into your head, planted there by well-meaning fellas like myself…
THE GAME PLAN: approach, gain attraction, take her number, run text game, work logistics, get her out, escalate, pull, close.
By themselves however, these goals may or may not be enough. When they aren’t – as is so often the case – you need something else you can fall back on, something broader and more powerful.
That something is your intention.
Goal vs Intention
So what’s the diff?
The intention was that thought which clicked on in your head when you saw the hottie: “I am going to seduce her.” It’s your internal call to action.
That plan may not be possible. It may in fact have absolutely no basis in reality. It may be so outside your comfort zone and beyond your skill set that the chances of it coming to fruition are as unlikely as a good Jennifer Aniston film.
But intentions don’t care about all that. “I am going to seduce her. Let’s make it happen. Go.”
You set your intention, and then you go about finding ways to bring it into reality. Often you will need to create a series of goals, such as the above. Many times, though, the universe will sort itself out automagically, seemingly with little effort on your part, where everything falls into place.
Goals are at the service of your intention. When certain goals fail (her phone goes off as you approach, she’s got a boyfriend, she keeps flaking), you can always abandon that particular goal and fall back onto your intention for further guidance. Your unwavering intention will then compel you to seek out, stumble upon or invent new goals to see you through.
Outcome Dependence
If you were to live simply by a series of goals without a well-defined intention, then you are operating with dependence on the outcome. And if that outcome fails to result, you’re fucked.
An intention is that inner voice moving you forward, regardless of whether the outcome is even possible. “I intend to seduce that girl, although I’m not positive it can be done.” Hence, outcome independent.
Plenty of people don’t set their intention before mapping out their plan. Are you one of them? They instead analyze the risks, rewards, probabilities and resources, and then once discouraged, abandon their outcome as highly unlikely. In effect, they have allowed the outcome to derail their efforts well before making up their minds to take action.
Many times, one’s happiness relies on the attainment of these goals, rather than on the intention-driven process itself. As such, any day not spent living one’s goals is an unpleasant day, whereas one can easily find fulfillment when living through intentions, even if one’s goals have not been met.
People focused on intentions are living in the present moment, whereas guys constantly aiming at goals are always living in the elusive future.
Mindfulness
You may hear this term tossed around by Buddhists. To be mindful means to be living in the now, present with your own inner states.
While it can be impossible to be aware of all stimuli bombarding you at every moment, you can realize how these factors are affecting you. Do they make you feel anxious, confused, scared, happy? Connecting with your reactions, observing them without judgment, is being mindful.
We speak of being mindful because without it (and clarity) we cannot be in tune with our core values or intentions.
Clarity
Prior to setting your intention, you must be internally clear about what it is you desire. Any intention you create may be undermined by other thoughts:
“I will seduce her…but…she’s out of my league, she’s reading a book, my breath smells, my last girlfriend cheated on me…”
That intention then becomes obscured. Being clear means uncluttering both your conscious and subconscious minds of all this jibber jabber. For more tips, check out my article on Clarity.
When you are clear within, it becomes easier to telegraph your intentions more effectively to others. Even when you speak succinctly, women can typically tell when you’re suffering from inner conflict and chaos. All channels of communication – physical, verbal and other non-verbal – must be congruent, or else any mismatch will be interpreted as lack of clarity.
Values
What drives your intentions is your set of core values, not to be confused with the superficial values that society and upbringing have convinced you are important. I had this chat with a student recently:
Me: So why are you attracted to that broad?
Him: Look at her! She’s smoking!
Me: And why is that important? Besides that it turns you on, what else?
Him: I don’t wanna bang ugs. Or if I did, I wouldn’t tell my boys about her.
Me: Hmm, so then it’s important your friends see you with hot girls?
Him: Totally.
Me: Ok, then sounds like what you value is being accepted by your friends.
Banging a hottie is fantastic and heroic, but often we are driven by deeper values, like in this case peer acceptance.
According to authors Patrick Williams and Diane Menendez, you can start by categorizing your values into three main headings: experiencing, creating and being. From each of these, determine which values most resonate within you, and then align your intentions with these values each and every day.
Experiencing: exploring, athletics, dancing, seeking pleasure, leading, nurturing.
Creating: clarifying, originality, innovating, playing, designing.
Being: integrity, peace, spirituality, loyalty, empathy.
When your intentions and values are in alignment, you find yourself at peace, energized and happy. When they aren’t, life seems turbulent, unfulfilling and lacking direction.
Accountability
A man of integrity who makes a promise will do everything within his power to keep that promise. He has resolve and discipline…whether that promise is to himself or others. He holds himself personally accountable.
You must begin with a reasonable plan. Say I set as my intention, get into better shape. If one goal included working out five times a week then I would fail. This is not gonna happen. I’m way too busy. Three times a week is reasonable, and so that would be a realistic goal.
However, once I’ve created a workable series of goals, I must then hold myself accountable to drag my ass to the gym as I promised myself. No excuses, no procrastination, no negotiations.
So to sum it up: be mindful and clear about what your deep values are, create intentions which are in alignment with these values, devise goals that will bring your intentions into being, and then hold yourself accountable to take action.
Now get out there, fuckers! xoxo
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Stuff I like about dames
I see a lot of talk about what attributes dudes are looking for in girls, and it usually boils down to two: looks and personality. This is an incredibly myopic view, and if you stopped to think about it, you’d probably come up with many more desirable traits. Here now is a short list of mine…
1. Physical attractiveness
I’ve never had “a type,” but I found that as I went out more, my tastes broadened. I discovered I prefer Latinas, for example. Every guy has his own 10, and there is no right or wrong. Tall, short. Big tits, flat. Skinny, hefty. Red head, blonde.
I would recommend if you’re new to pickup, you keep an open mind. If you’re trying to learn how to be social, then imposing standards will ultimately be counter-productive; this is usually another excuse not to approach or move things forward. As your game improves, you can afford the luxury to be more selective, but at that point the other attributes listed below will probably begin to eclipse a girl’s beauty.
2. Emotional availability
Whether a girl is in a relationship or is guarded from a series of abusive boyfriends, many times a chick is simply not willing to open up. Often, girls will look for the slightest incongruence or weakness in a man, and at that point shut down. I find the two big red flags that cause this reaction are, a) being lied to, and b) being thought of as slutty.
I always weed out chicks who aren’t emotionally available, because I don’t have the desire to work that hard. If a girl is on the fence, then by me being honest (sometimes shockingly so) and transparent I can move them towards investing in our interaction.
3. Emotional stability and maturity
Some girls love drama. Some are using you to get back at a man or men in general. Plenty of chicks have major emotional issues. I’ve dated ladies with drug and alcohol abuse, anger management problems, you name it. I no longer allow those kinds of girls anywhere near me.
If you wanna be a girl’s daddy, and you enjoy babysitting on your dates, by all means go get em. I personally wouldn’t bother with any girl who brings me down because of her own insecurities or immaturity. Life’s too short.
Instead, I feel you should look for women who are nurturing, open with their feelings and willing to grow. Emotionally healthy women will elevate your game and your life. Learn from them.
4. Logistics
Some broads aren’t able to get away from their kids, or they live too far away, or they live with their parents, or they’re too busy with work to spend much time with you. This is one reason to have multiple girls, because you can’t always depend on one to be there for you anytime you want.
Try to find women who are logistically desirable, and do what you can to work with those who aren’t. This may mean getting a hotel room or banging in your car, or her driving to your place or getting a sitter for her kids. If she’s worth it, put the effort in to make it happen.
5. Financial stability
Plenty of women are looking for a dude to take care of them financially. They have no career plans, or are in debt, or have an expensive coke habit. You aren’t an ATM. Guys are typically expected to invest something financially in the relationship, but it is possible to find women who don’t need or want your money, and will in fact pay their way.
6. Energy
Girls can give off different energies. Some are bright and sunny. Others are dark and moody. I won’t tell you what kind of energy you should bring into your life, but personally I believe it’s a good idea to surround yourself with women who are positive. Energy is contagious. If you constantly spend your time around negative energy, you may find yourself succumbing to it.
7. Physical and mental health
If health is important to you, then make it a priority in your women. If you hate smokers, don’t date one. If you are fit, then date girls who are too. I tend to avoid girls who abuse or neglect their bodies, since this is telling me they lack respect for themselves.
Similar to the above on emotional stability, you can meet a girl who is truly mentally unwell. Before long you may find yourself dealing with her ups and downs, her trips to the ER for suicide attempts, her violent outbursts. Many mental disorders are inheritable, so realize if you have kids with a woman who is bipolar, you may be dooming your children. Plus, is this girl fit to be a mother?
8. Personality
Many guys are willing to overlook a chick’s personality if she’s hot. And a lot of hot girls have relied on their looks primarily, such that their personality is nothing memorable.
As with looks, I’d say be open to various kinds of personalities. Diversity is a good thing, and dealing with the many styles will help your future interactions.
Attributes I look for are humor, charm, wit, confidence, assertiveness and femininity. You should have a pretty clear idea eventually about what sorts of personalities you’re attracted to.
9. Sexuality
Some girls hate the cock. Some love it but act like they don’t. Some can’t live without it. I’ve been with girls who gave mind-blowing BJs, and others who didn’t even know how to kiss well. Certain chicks lay on their back like ragdolls, others are like trying to stay on a mechanical bull. You got your squirters, your ass fetishists, your BDSMers.
I won’t twist any girl’s arm for sex. I like a girl who is comfortable with her body, secure with her sexuality, adventurous, submissive and able to show me new things.
Demand sexual chemistry from your partners. Don’t settle for chicks who are frigid or who use sex as a bargaining tool.
10. Baggage
Everyone has something they aren’t proud of. The question is, how much slack will you give a girl? Everybody defines baggage differently. She’s had over 200 partners. She has 3 kids. She’s in the middle of a divorce. Some things may be acceptable to you, others may not. Remember, you probably have baggage as well that others may find unacceptable.
11. Similar interests and views
People think that this is of key importance. In my opinion, it’s nice when it happens, but isn’t necessary. My views and interests have changed a lot over my life, and so it may be for the women you meet. She may be a huge sports fan this year, but may be over it next year.
Screen women according to the things you find important in this regard, but don’t necessarily disqualify women if they don’t totally hold your opinions. I often seek women with interests unlike mine, so that I can learn new things.
1. Physical attractiveness
I’ve never had “a type,” but I found that as I went out more, my tastes broadened. I discovered I prefer Latinas, for example. Every guy has his own 10, and there is no right or wrong. Tall, short. Big tits, flat. Skinny, hefty. Red head, blonde.
I would recommend if you’re new to pickup, you keep an open mind. If you’re trying to learn how to be social, then imposing standards will ultimately be counter-productive; this is usually another excuse not to approach or move things forward. As your game improves, you can afford the luxury to be more selective, but at that point the other attributes listed below will probably begin to eclipse a girl’s beauty.
2. Emotional availability
Whether a girl is in a relationship or is guarded from a series of abusive boyfriends, many times a chick is simply not willing to open up. Often, girls will look for the slightest incongruence or weakness in a man, and at that point shut down. I find the two big red flags that cause this reaction are, a) being lied to, and b) being thought of as slutty.
I always weed out chicks who aren’t emotionally available, because I don’t have the desire to work that hard. If a girl is on the fence, then by me being honest (sometimes shockingly so) and transparent I can move them towards investing in our interaction.
3. Emotional stability and maturity
Some girls love drama. Some are using you to get back at a man or men in general. Plenty of chicks have major emotional issues. I’ve dated ladies with drug and alcohol abuse, anger management problems, you name it. I no longer allow those kinds of girls anywhere near me.
If you wanna be a girl’s daddy, and you enjoy babysitting on your dates, by all means go get em. I personally wouldn’t bother with any girl who brings me down because of her own insecurities or immaturity. Life’s too short.
Instead, I feel you should look for women who are nurturing, open with their feelings and willing to grow. Emotionally healthy women will elevate your game and your life. Learn from them.
4. Logistics
Some broads aren’t able to get away from their kids, or they live too far away, or they live with their parents, or they’re too busy with work to spend much time with you. This is one reason to have multiple girls, because you can’t always depend on one to be there for you anytime you want.
Try to find women who are logistically desirable, and do what you can to work with those who aren’t. This may mean getting a hotel room or banging in your car, or her driving to your place or getting a sitter for her kids. If she’s worth it, put the effort in to make it happen.
5. Financial stability
Plenty of women are looking for a dude to take care of them financially. They have no career plans, or are in debt, or have an expensive coke habit. You aren’t an ATM. Guys are typically expected to invest something financially in the relationship, but it is possible to find women who don’t need or want your money, and will in fact pay their way.
6. Energy
Girls can give off different energies. Some are bright and sunny. Others are dark and moody. I won’t tell you what kind of energy you should bring into your life, but personally I believe it’s a good idea to surround yourself with women who are positive. Energy is contagious. If you constantly spend your time around negative energy, you may find yourself succumbing to it.
7. Physical and mental health
If health is important to you, then make it a priority in your women. If you hate smokers, don’t date one. If you are fit, then date girls who are too. I tend to avoid girls who abuse or neglect their bodies, since this is telling me they lack respect for themselves.
Similar to the above on emotional stability, you can meet a girl who is truly mentally unwell. Before long you may find yourself dealing with her ups and downs, her trips to the ER for suicide attempts, her violent outbursts. Many mental disorders are inheritable, so realize if you have kids with a woman who is bipolar, you may be dooming your children. Plus, is this girl fit to be a mother?
8. Personality
Many guys are willing to overlook a chick’s personality if she’s hot. And a lot of hot girls have relied on their looks primarily, such that their personality is nothing memorable.
As with looks, I’d say be open to various kinds of personalities. Diversity is a good thing, and dealing with the many styles will help your future interactions.
Attributes I look for are humor, charm, wit, confidence, assertiveness and femininity. You should have a pretty clear idea eventually about what sorts of personalities you’re attracted to.
9. Sexuality
Some girls hate the cock. Some love it but act like they don’t. Some can’t live without it. I’ve been with girls who gave mind-blowing BJs, and others who didn’t even know how to kiss well. Certain chicks lay on their back like ragdolls, others are like trying to stay on a mechanical bull. You got your squirters, your ass fetishists, your BDSMers.
I won’t twist any girl’s arm for sex. I like a girl who is comfortable with her body, secure with her sexuality, adventurous, submissive and able to show me new things.
Demand sexual chemistry from your partners. Don’t settle for chicks who are frigid or who use sex as a bargaining tool.
10. Baggage
Everyone has something they aren’t proud of. The question is, how much slack will you give a girl? Everybody defines baggage differently. She’s had over 200 partners. She has 3 kids. She’s in the middle of a divorce. Some things may be acceptable to you, others may not. Remember, you probably have baggage as well that others may find unacceptable.
11. Similar interests and views
People think that this is of key importance. In my opinion, it’s nice when it happens, but isn’t necessary. My views and interests have changed a lot over my life, and so it may be for the women you meet. She may be a huge sports fan this year, but may be over it next year.
Screen women according to the things you find important in this regard, but don’t necessarily disqualify women if they don’t totally hold your opinions. I often seek women with interests unlike mine, so that I can learn new things.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Stop Fucking Around and Work on Your Lifestyle
Many PUAs get so submersed in the culture of the game that they never take a step back to see the bigger picture. Essentially, you are out there marketing a person.
Aside from needing great marketing skills, you must have a product worth pitching. How attractive is that person to women? Is he worth dating, pursuing, and taking home to meet the parents? Or is he a dude she’s embarrassed to introduce to her friends, a boy she can have some fun with and that’s all, a Mr. Right Now and nothing more?
If being a girl’s flavor of the week is your goal, then no need to read on. But if you’re out there trying to bring quality women into your life – and keep them there – then let’s take a look at how you can build a substantial lifestyle to meet this goal.
Passion
It is very clear to all women when they go on a date with me that I LOVE cinema. They also find out I’m a huge music fan, I’m crazy about good food, I help guys interact with women, and I consider my dog almost like a son. These are things I’m passionate about. There are many smaller interests and hobbies floating around, but when I speak about any of my true passions, it’s from a deeper emotional level.
A man who loves women and only women is a sad, sad little person. Girls may feel flattered and validated at first. However, as they scratch the surface to see what else is inside, and come up with nothing, they quickly lose attraction.
I’ve seen guys get up and dance so insanely bad that the room comes to a stand-still to watch. But that guy is completely submersed in the joy of dancing, and he becomes a star. So don’t worry about whether the object of your passion is cool or not; as long as you have things that turn you on, aside from chicks, you will appear cool.
If you don’t have anything, then go out and try new activities. Fencing, sky diving, feeding the homeless. Get your hands dirty and figure out what things move you spiritually. There are tons of meetup.com groups full of people willing to show you the ropes. Any moment in your life you meet a new woman, you should have multiple projects, activities and events going on.
Variety
Sports, video games and cars are guy things. If you like that stuff, fine. But you’re gonna need something more. Be able to speak in depth about a range of topics. Books, films, food, wine, politics, travel. You don’t necessarily need to hold opinions on these things, simply a basic awareness and appreciation. And then as you meet new people, gain insights that will embellish upon this awareness.
Assertiveness
Being assertive is a win in life, but especially when it comes to dating. You the man are expected to do everything, from approaching to proposing. It all falls on your shoulders. You are ultimately accountable for every aspect of the relationship. Sorry, bro, but that’s life.
To make shit happen, you must be assertive. If you see something needs to be said or done, you take the reigns and get it handled.
But lots of guys are not assertive enough. Typically, they are passive, and less often, aggressive. I will cover assertiveness in another article, but for now I direct you to the excellent book, Your Perfect Right, which has been the Bible on assertiveness for many decades.
Develop a lifestyle that cultivates assertiveness. In fact, if you tend to be passive, then injecting some aggressiveness can help. Examples are any contact sport or boxing. At very least, go work out at the gym (though this probably won’t be sufficient).
It may help to find work that requires assertiveness. One summer I walked around a mall and performed market research; cold approaching people and trying to get their opinion on shit for half an hour requires persistence.
Being Solid
Women typically expect the men in their lives to be solid: centered, balanced, grounded, present. This doesn’t mean boring and predictable. But it does mean that when she is being a girl, she can trust you will be there for her as a man.
Yoga is an excellent way to get out of your head and into your body, teaching people to find their center. You spend much of the time on your back (being grounded), must stand on one leg (being balanced), clear your head of thoughts (being present) and breathe through any discomfort you feel (being in your body). If you’re doing it right, you can’t help but shift your energy into your body, and specifically your center of being. Bikram yoga is an offshoot, putting you into a very hot and humid room for an hour and a half. If that’s not your style, then stick to old fashioned yoga, getting lessons at first and then performing it at home several times a week for an hour.
Martial arts can also help you to generate power from your core, to let energy move through you without blocking it, and to be present with your opponent.
Being in the Moment
Many people are not living in the now. They dwell on the past and future, and when things pop up they don’t react in time or from a place of authenticity. Having a lifestyle that keeps you on your feet will carry over into your interactions.
Improv is a classic example of an activity where you have to be in the moment. The funniest lines are usually ones that come out without premeditation. Your partner then feeds off of that, and a routine is born from thin air. Stopping to process and think kills this creative process.
As I mentioned above, boxing and martial arts can also help you be in the moment.
Girl Friends
Having chicks in your life is critical. You can bang em or not, but you should be surrounded by a lot of women. Friends who are girls will teach you about how they think, act and feel, and you will develop a better and healthier appreciation for women (as opposed to “targets” and “HBs”). A lot of the smoke girls blow as a diversion around men goes away, and you can peek into their minds, unfiltered; this can include why they bang or date certain guys (what works and what doesn’t), why they behave how they do in clubs, and what makes them laugh.
You don’t need to have hot girls around you, just a lot of em. This will naturally seem attractive to other (hotter) women. Besides the concept of preselection, having chicks in your life is a normal thing, and not having them can appear odd. So always be looking out for girls you can add to your social circle, and spend a lot of time with them.
Personal Ecosystem and Energy Drainers
People have clutter in their lives, and this crap can use up a bunch of their energy. We call these things energy drainers. This may include a messy home or car, friends who bring you down, money you owe, a bad relationship with your parents, or excess weight.
When I spar, I sometimes use muscles I don’t need. I overwork, and therefore get tired faster. A key to lasting longer is to relax the parts of your body that you don’t have to call upon. The same holds for any activity in your life; if you expend too much energy unwisely, you have less left over for constructive stuff.
Run an inventory of all the items that might be draining your energy and polluting your personal ecosystem. Clean shit up. If you can’t tackle a chore all at once, small chunk it down and do a bit at a time. Get help from others.
If you can resolve dysfunctional or draining relationships through assertiveness and open communication, then do so. If you can’t minimize the impact of these people, then try to eliminate them from your life.
Forms of Expression
You can learn to express yourself in many different ways. Learning to be open with your opinions and beliefs will carry over into your interactions. If you want to express yourself verbally, you can take up Toastmasters, improv or acting. If you want to move people emotionally, you can work through painting, sculpting, even food. If you express yourself physically, there’s dance and music.
At the other extreme is being closed off and stifled, incapable of expressing yourself in any aspect of your life. Or you may only express yourself through one channel like singing, but can’t open up verbally. Seek a healthy balance, where girls realize that among the many forms of expression, you take advantage of several methods, including verbal and sexual.
Stress Management
A lot of times our interactions fail because we’re thinking about other negative parts of our lives. Sometimes, we aren’t consciously paying attention to these things, but they are weighing our psyche down.
Learn to compartmentalize your life. Be present. That is, when you’re talking to a girl, you should only be focused on that interaction. Money and work have zero relevance at that very moment, so force those thoughts away until it’s relevant to address them.
When these stressors seep into your interactions subconsciously, you need to find a way to get them handled. Do research, ask others for advice, devise a course of action, whatever needs to be done to move in the right direction. Even without resolving the stress, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel can help a great deal.
You can relieve some of your stress through art or physical activity. Freud talked about sublimating your sexual energy in the form of creativity, basically transferring that energy into something more socially acceptable. As I described above, yoga is another way to get stress under control.
Aside from needing great marketing skills, you must have a product worth pitching. How attractive is that person to women? Is he worth dating, pursuing, and taking home to meet the parents? Or is he a dude she’s embarrassed to introduce to her friends, a boy she can have some fun with and that’s all, a Mr. Right Now and nothing more?
If being a girl’s flavor of the week is your goal, then no need to read on. But if you’re out there trying to bring quality women into your life – and keep them there – then let’s take a look at how you can build a substantial lifestyle to meet this goal.
Passion
It is very clear to all women when they go on a date with me that I LOVE cinema. They also find out I’m a huge music fan, I’m crazy about good food, I help guys interact with women, and I consider my dog almost like a son. These are things I’m passionate about. There are many smaller interests and hobbies floating around, but when I speak about any of my true passions, it’s from a deeper emotional level.
A man who loves women and only women is a sad, sad little person. Girls may feel flattered and validated at first. However, as they scratch the surface to see what else is inside, and come up with nothing, they quickly lose attraction.
I’ve seen guys get up and dance so insanely bad that the room comes to a stand-still to watch. But that guy is completely submersed in the joy of dancing, and he becomes a star. So don’t worry about whether the object of your passion is cool or not; as long as you have things that turn you on, aside from chicks, you will appear cool.
If you don’t have anything, then go out and try new activities. Fencing, sky diving, feeding the homeless. Get your hands dirty and figure out what things move you spiritually. There are tons of meetup.com groups full of people willing to show you the ropes. Any moment in your life you meet a new woman, you should have multiple projects, activities and events going on.
Variety
Sports, video games and cars are guy things. If you like that stuff, fine. But you’re gonna need something more. Be able to speak in depth about a range of topics. Books, films, food, wine, politics, travel. You don’t necessarily need to hold opinions on these things, simply a basic awareness and appreciation. And then as you meet new people, gain insights that will embellish upon this awareness.
Assertiveness
Being assertive is a win in life, but especially when it comes to dating. You the man are expected to do everything, from approaching to proposing. It all falls on your shoulders. You are ultimately accountable for every aspect of the relationship. Sorry, bro, but that’s life.
To make shit happen, you must be assertive. If you see something needs to be said or done, you take the reigns and get it handled.
But lots of guys are not assertive enough. Typically, they are passive, and less often, aggressive. I will cover assertiveness in another article, but for now I direct you to the excellent book, Your Perfect Right, which has been the Bible on assertiveness for many decades.
Develop a lifestyle that cultivates assertiveness. In fact, if you tend to be passive, then injecting some aggressiveness can help. Examples are any contact sport or boxing. At very least, go work out at the gym (though this probably won’t be sufficient).
It may help to find work that requires assertiveness. One summer I walked around a mall and performed market research; cold approaching people and trying to get their opinion on shit for half an hour requires persistence.
Being Solid
Women typically expect the men in their lives to be solid: centered, balanced, grounded, present. This doesn’t mean boring and predictable. But it does mean that when she is being a girl, she can trust you will be there for her as a man.
Yoga is an excellent way to get out of your head and into your body, teaching people to find their center. You spend much of the time on your back (being grounded), must stand on one leg (being balanced), clear your head of thoughts (being present) and breathe through any discomfort you feel (being in your body). If you’re doing it right, you can’t help but shift your energy into your body, and specifically your center of being. Bikram yoga is an offshoot, putting you into a very hot and humid room for an hour and a half. If that’s not your style, then stick to old fashioned yoga, getting lessons at first and then performing it at home several times a week for an hour.
Martial arts can also help you to generate power from your core, to let energy move through you without blocking it, and to be present with your opponent.
Being in the Moment
Many people are not living in the now. They dwell on the past and future, and when things pop up they don’t react in time or from a place of authenticity. Having a lifestyle that keeps you on your feet will carry over into your interactions.
Improv is a classic example of an activity where you have to be in the moment. The funniest lines are usually ones that come out without premeditation. Your partner then feeds off of that, and a routine is born from thin air. Stopping to process and think kills this creative process.
As I mentioned above, boxing and martial arts can also help you be in the moment.
Girl Friends
Having chicks in your life is critical. You can bang em or not, but you should be surrounded by a lot of women. Friends who are girls will teach you about how they think, act and feel, and you will develop a better and healthier appreciation for women (as opposed to “targets” and “HBs”). A lot of the smoke girls blow as a diversion around men goes away, and you can peek into their minds, unfiltered; this can include why they bang or date certain guys (what works and what doesn’t), why they behave how they do in clubs, and what makes them laugh.
You don’t need to have hot girls around you, just a lot of em. This will naturally seem attractive to other (hotter) women. Besides the concept of preselection, having chicks in your life is a normal thing, and not having them can appear odd. So always be looking out for girls you can add to your social circle, and spend a lot of time with them.
Personal Ecosystem and Energy Drainers
People have clutter in their lives, and this crap can use up a bunch of their energy. We call these things energy drainers. This may include a messy home or car, friends who bring you down, money you owe, a bad relationship with your parents, or excess weight.
When I spar, I sometimes use muscles I don’t need. I overwork, and therefore get tired faster. A key to lasting longer is to relax the parts of your body that you don’t have to call upon. The same holds for any activity in your life; if you expend too much energy unwisely, you have less left over for constructive stuff.
Run an inventory of all the items that might be draining your energy and polluting your personal ecosystem. Clean shit up. If you can’t tackle a chore all at once, small chunk it down and do a bit at a time. Get help from others.
If you can resolve dysfunctional or draining relationships through assertiveness and open communication, then do so. If you can’t minimize the impact of these people, then try to eliminate them from your life.
Forms of Expression
You can learn to express yourself in many different ways. Learning to be open with your opinions and beliefs will carry over into your interactions. If you want to express yourself verbally, you can take up Toastmasters, improv or acting. If you want to move people emotionally, you can work through painting, sculpting, even food. If you express yourself physically, there’s dance and music.
At the other extreme is being closed off and stifled, incapable of expressing yourself in any aspect of your life. Or you may only express yourself through one channel like singing, but can’t open up verbally. Seek a healthy balance, where girls realize that among the many forms of expression, you take advantage of several methods, including verbal and sexual.
Stress Management
A lot of times our interactions fail because we’re thinking about other negative parts of our lives. Sometimes, we aren’t consciously paying attention to these things, but they are weighing our psyche down.
Learn to compartmentalize your life. Be present. That is, when you’re talking to a girl, you should only be focused on that interaction. Money and work have zero relevance at that very moment, so force those thoughts away until it’s relevant to address them.
When these stressors seep into your interactions subconsciously, you need to find a way to get them handled. Do research, ask others for advice, devise a course of action, whatever needs to be done to move in the right direction. Even without resolving the stress, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel can help a great deal.
You can relieve some of your stress through art or physical activity. Freud talked about sublimating your sexual energy in the form of creativity, basically transferring that energy into something more socially acceptable. As I described above, yoga is another way to get stress under control.
Why I’m Not a PUA
Lo those many years ago, having had my world exploded watching that VH1 reality show, I set out on my path to become a pick-up artist. Somewhere along the way, I had made that transformation, but have since gone far beyond.
People (especially girls on dates with me) often laugh about that “pickup artist” they met in the bar, the guy who ran some routines and had an obvious agenda to push buttons.
And I know from experience that stuff works. You push buttons, get a quick rise out of girls, feed your ego. Maybe even get a speedy lay out of it.
What the women in my life miss from those encounters is the slow build of seduction, the man who doesn’t push buttons but is genuinely sexy inside and out. Hell, he barely has to lift a finger to get chicks wet. While that dude is curled up with his lover-to-be in a dark corner, the PUA is still jumping from set to set, gaming HBs and yes, still feeding his ego.
So here it is. I am not a pick-up artist.
And here’s why.
“Pick-up” is only one small part of me. Because I’m a dweeb, I drew this fantastic life-like self-portrait. My arms (C) represent my ability to pick up women (literally and figuratively). I don’t deny I still use many of the tactics and routines I found efficient and effective over the years. They are too habitual now to set them aside. Going out and being “myself” doesn’t work all that well. The game must be played, no doubt about it, and so I do still consider these tools useful.
People (especially girls on dates with me) often laugh about that “pickup artist” they met in the bar, the guy who ran some routines and had an obvious agenda to push buttons.
And I know from experience that stuff works. You push buttons, get a quick rise out of girls, feed your ego. Maybe even get a speedy lay out of it.
What the women in my life miss from those encounters is the slow build of seduction, the man who doesn’t push buttons but is genuinely sexy inside and out. Hell, he barely has to lift a finger to get chicks wet. While that dude is curled up with his lover-to-be in a dark corner, the PUA is still jumping from set to set, gaming HBs and yes, still feeding his ego.
So here it is. I am not a pick-up artist.
And here’s why.
“Pick-up” is only one small part of me. Because I’m a dweeb, I drew this fantastic life-like self-portrait. My arms (C) represent my ability to pick up women (literally and figuratively). I don’t deny I still use many of the tactics and routines I found efficient and effective over the years. They are too habitual now to set them aside. Going out and being “myself” doesn’t work all that well. The game must be played, no doubt about it, and so I do still consider these tools useful.
But look at everything else left over.
(A) is my inner game. My confidence, abundance mentality, humor, perseverance and so on. I am not at all the man I was before the community. I am mentally healthy, I have a much more profound understanding and appreciation of women, myself and social dynamics. All this has contributed greatly to the way I live my life, not simply how I interact with women.
(B) is my heart, my emotions, my love for women. Whether I’m “running game” or just lying in bed with a broad, my heart is over-flowing with awe at the feminine energy. The curves of her hips, her laugh, her willingness to be dominated. My interactions, when they’re at their best, have a huge amount to do with my ease at expressing my emotions in a way that is attractive.
(D) is my core, my gut. This is where I usually feel my energy, and the part of me that communicates with girls at that deeper level. This is the place that lets me calibrate, my instincts regarding how I’m doing with a chick, when to move things forward.
(E) is my Mr. Dandy. Not only my sex drive and desire to seduce, but my balls. A lot of dudes gaming girls leave their balls out of it; they never state their intent, don’t go after the chicks they really want to screw, try to be a friendly, sociable guy instead. Often they don’t even find the girl sexually attractive. I dunno, maybe they just game certain girls to impress their wings or write reports about em. Perhaps they’re simply drawn to the intellectual challenges the game has to offer. Either way, keeping your weiner out of the set is decidedly safe, but not particularly rewarding.
And finally (F) is my lifestyle. It’s everything going on in the background when I’m not with girls. The things I do to improve myself intellectually, physically, sexually. All the stuff that makes me cool. My lifestyle is my legs. Take it away, and I don’t have a leg to stand on. I’m just laying still on the ground, maybe looking up skirts.
(A) is my inner game. My confidence, abundance mentality, humor, perseverance and so on. I am not at all the man I was before the community. I am mentally healthy, I have a much more profound understanding and appreciation of women, myself and social dynamics. All this has contributed greatly to the way I live my life, not simply how I interact with women.
(B) is my heart, my emotions, my love for women. Whether I’m “running game” or just lying in bed with a broad, my heart is over-flowing with awe at the feminine energy. The curves of her hips, her laugh, her willingness to be dominated. My interactions, when they’re at their best, have a huge amount to do with my ease at expressing my emotions in a way that is attractive.
(D) is my core, my gut. This is where I usually feel my energy, and the part of me that communicates with girls at that deeper level. This is the place that lets me calibrate, my instincts regarding how I’m doing with a chick, when to move things forward.
(E) is my Mr. Dandy. Not only my sex drive and desire to seduce, but my balls. A lot of dudes gaming girls leave their balls out of it; they never state their intent, don’t go after the chicks they really want to screw, try to be a friendly, sociable guy instead. Often they don’t even find the girl sexually attractive. I dunno, maybe they just game certain girls to impress their wings or write reports about em. Perhaps they’re simply drawn to the intellectual challenges the game has to offer. Either way, keeping your weiner out of the set is decidedly safe, but not particularly rewarding.
And finally (F) is my lifestyle. It’s everything going on in the background when I’m not with girls. The things I do to improve myself intellectually, physically, sexually. All the stuff that makes me cool. My lifestyle is my legs. Take it away, and I don’t have a leg to stand on. I’m just laying still on the ground, maybe looking up skirts.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Fear Management, Part Two
In the first article, I reviewed ways our body sends out fear signals to the world, and how we try to pacify ourselves involuntarily to alleviate this fear. Now we’ll review the many ways to get our fears handled, including the single most powerful method.
A Dozen Ways to Deal with Fear
1. The Blinders Effect: Med school and Bikram yoga
Don’t look for potential risks; put on blinders and push forward. If you had asked me while I was in college, or in med school for that matter, how many years I had left before I could practice, or what classes I’d need to take, or what grades I’d require to advance to the next level, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I set my intention – become a physician – and I did whatever I needed to do to advance me towards that intention. Fear never took over, because I never ran an analysis of what would be required. It simply didn’t matter; I was willing to do whatever it took.
Recently I signed up for Bikram yoga. If you don’t know what that is, it’s the yoga where you spend 1 ½ hours in an extremely hot and humid room posing in often painful contortions. Sounds fun, eh? When I signed up for it, I bought a full month of classes. That is, I committed to it with blinders on, knowing that I might get scared away after my first attempt. When I bought the month I was telling my fear to fuck off, I was giving this activity a fair chance.
2. The Cold Pool: Committing to the intention
If I asked you to get into a cold swimming pool, you can do one of a couple things. You can put your toes in, then step in up to your knees, then wade in so your waist is underwater, then finally submerse your entire body. Or you could simply jump right in.
Whether it’s a cold pool or anything else uncomfortable and scary, diving in fully without hesitation will bypass all fear. Set your intention and then go for it 110%.
Approaching is like swinging a bat. You don’t swing half-way and then tap the ball. You commit to the swing fully, so even after contact the bat keeps moving to the end of the swing. Likewise, when you see a hotty, make it your intention to walk up to her and get her attention. She may ignore you or blow you off, but that’s not relevant. All that matters is that you do everything in your power to make your intention a reality immediately, and not take the time to mull over the potential discomfort.
3. Snorkeling and Horror Flicks: What is the actual risk?
I flew all the way out to Oahu one summer, and found myself gazing at the sea with a sense of intimidation. What if a shark was out there? What if a jellyfish floated by? What about eels? What if, what if?
I almost didn’t go snorkeling, but thank god I did because it was one of the best experiences of my life. I took control of my fear by assessing the actual risk. There rarely is a shark out in popular snorkeling areas. And all my other concerns were statistically highly unlikely to ever materialize as well.
Yes, there may be risks involved in certain activities, but be realistic about them. The risk of air travel is minimal, the risk of public speaking is nil, the risk of approaching is practically non-existent.
Recognize when the danger is to your body, or just to your ego. Public speaking is the number one phobia of people, but why? No real harm can come to you while speaking in front of crowds. Perhaps what you fear is rejection, humiliation, loss of respect and acceptance, or accidentally offending people. These are all worries of the ego, and have nothing to do with your physical well-being. They are all manufactured and can be just as easily dissolved with will.
I love horror films. I could watch them every night. They never get old. Horror films pose no true risk that I’ll be killed by the undead or the demented psycho or the plague. I may startle at times or feel dread for the characters, but I’m never actually personally afraid.
You see a dude in set, and you tell yourself, “he’s just a coworker” and you go in despite the fear (the "fuck it" moment). The coworker is not a real threat to you, not unlike the slasher in the horror film. You can certainly generate all sorts of potential repercussions in your head if the guy doesn’t welcome you in, but you also can set aside those voices and remind yourself that this risk is pure fantasy. Nevermind all that community AMOG bullshit, and instead, view him as another potential friend to help you get the girl.
4. Boxing: Gathering cues
I took up mixed martial arts about a year ago. As I threw punches, I often found myself turning my head away and shutting my eyes, because I knew my trainer was most likely avoiding my jab and about to clobber my head.
Though I wanted to shut my eyes and lean away while I swung, to punch effectively required me to keep my eyes focused on the opponent so I could see how he’s gonna react. I am, in effect, reading my adversary for cues. Will he move left? Will he duck? Will he throw a cross? Will he deflect my punch and rotate away from it? If my eyes are averted, I can’t gather information and then respond in turn. I must not only have a good offensive, I must always be on a fact-finding mission at every moment.
The only way to manage any interaction strategically – whether it’s boxing or evaluating cues a girl is sending out – is to look at it head-on with total presence. Move into the fear with open eyes, in spite of the risks.
5. The Proud Piano Student: Positive reframe
A friend of mine teaches piano to kids. I asked her once how she deals with their fear of performance, and she described a kind of reframe. Rather than think about a performance as possible rejection or failure, she has the kids think of it as proving to the audience how much they’ve learned. They then go on stage with a sense of pride, not fear.
Every perceived failure is an opportunity to learn. Any night you totally bomb is still a good night, as it provides insights for you to help progress. Without failure you can’t grow. To quote the granddaddy of the community, Ross Jeffries: “The difference between winners and losers is that losers don’t fail enough.”
Another powerful reframe is accepting that your role is simply to give value to others. Believe that you are a man who loves to make others happy, and who expects nothing in return. Make that girl’s night. With this belief, it’s impossible to consider your approach as anything but positive. You aren’t bothering people, you’re only adding to their experience. If they don’t accept your value (and some people won’t), then it doesn’t hinder you. You simply move on to find those who will.
6. Be Prepared: The stack
Going into a set without knowing what to say is scary as hell. But when you have a pretty good idea how the first few minutes are gonna play out, you feel secure and ultimately less fearful.
I’m a fan of routine stacks for guys who have problems vibing or approaching. Having the first coupla minutes in set prepared helps reduce that fear of the unknown. Likewise if you go for a kiss and get her cheek, having something ready to say to reduce the awkwardness of this moment will make you feel more confident pulling the trigger. Have a detailed game plan, accounting for all contingencies.
7. Visualization and NLP
I don’t have the space here to talk about neurolinguistic programming (NLP), but it can help get your inner game on track. One tool NLP employs is to run movies in your head that minimize your negative emotions. For example if a boss yells at you, you can then reimagine the scene with him having a cartoon voice and wearing a clown outfit.
In sports, trainers use visualization techniques to enhance performance. Athletes imagine themselves winning the race, hearing the crowd roar, et cetera. You can apply this to your interactions with broads, seeing yourself as the man you want to be and envisioning the women you wanna attract into your life. Before your encounters, visualize how they’ll go. As your mind begins to believe these images, fear dissolves.
8. Passive Value: Dress for success
Looking your best will boost your sense of confidence. Dress well, have some accessories that add color to your personality, make your avatar stand out, go lift weights. In addition to fashion, address bad breath and a lousy hair style. Do anything you can to make your passive value as appealing as possible.
9. Reward Yourself
Create an incentive for facing your fear. “Even though I’m claustrophobic, I’ll get this MRI and then buy myself ice cream afterwards for being brave.” Don’t beat yourself up for being afraid, but do negotiate a system of rewards with yourself for acting in spite of your fear.
10. Hypnosis
Often the conscious mind isn’t the problem, it’s the subconscious which is too resistant to change. You may need to talk to it directly. That’s where hypnosis comes in.
There was a time I was doing really well with night game, but I couldn’t for the life of me approach during the day. I sought out a hypnotherapist and within a month I had no fear of going direct on super-hotties during the day. What she did under hypnosis was have me think of something I was highly confident about (practicing medicine), and then link this via anchoring (squeezing my hand) to the situation which gave me fear (daytime approaches).
11. Desensitization
A commonly used tool in alleviating anxiety is called systematic desensitization. In pick-up, this means you keep approaching more and harder sets until the anxiety fades. This is how I primarily dealt with my own AA, and over a couple years, I went from being paralyzed with anxiety to being able to easily work a room.
All of the above can be effective coping strategies to get you into the right head space, but I haven’t yet mentioned the biggest, baddest, most effective way to reduce fear in your life. Here it is.
12. Find Your Center and Live There
When I ask you to identify where in your body you feel your “being” resides, where do you point? For many guys it’s their head. For some, their chest. If I ask you where your physical power is mostly generated from, you might show me your guns.
I want you instead to focus on your belly as your center. Make it a few inches below your belly button. Let your energy transmit out from this point. Send your breath into it. When you think of power, shift your focus away from your upper body and down to your core and lower body, where masculine energy is concentrated. Feel the ground while you stand and walk, how it contacts your feet, and how your legs move. Slap your thighs if you have to. Own the ground you’re stepping on. This is your ground. Be gracious enough to share it with others, and welcome them onto your ground.
In martial arts, a man’s core is down in his belly, not up in his head. You don’t have time to think about each moment of the spar; you must always feel the energy and movement of your opponent and react immediately from your core. It’s no different when talking to women. Just as soon as you get out of your head and start living in your body, everything begins to flow with far less effort.
Likewise, when you generate force to throw a punch, that power is coming from your core primarily, and then transmitted upwards through the chest and out the arms. Your greatest power in moving women emotionally isn’t generated from your head or your chest, it’s from your core.
For those of you living in your head and placing your center of power in your upper body, you are in essence, walking through life off balance. And guys who aren’t balanced are easily thrown, whether that is by physical confrontation or a shit test. Dudes who are centered are far less easy to topple. Out of being centered and grounded comes the feeling that you can take on the world, that you are unflappable and in touch with yourself, the earth, and ultimately the universe. In short, you are living without fear.
And so fear management starts outside the venue. It’s a way of being. You can’t suddenly switch this confidence on when you approach a girl. Instead, it carries over into your interactions, because that’s the way you move through life.
Any physical activity can get you into your body and out of your head, but specifically activities like yoga and the martial arts will place the focus where you want it. So now you know what to do. Get off your computer and go hit the mat.
Back to that night I did my first Bikram yoga class. It was 45 minutes in, and the instructor had cranked up the heat while the poses got more difficult. My heart was pounding, I could barely catch my breath and my water bottle was nearly empty. Would I pass out or collapse from heat stroke? Panic set in. But then, I pushed those thoughts from my head, explained to myself that I wasn’t overheating internally but that I was just experiencing a sudden spike in room temperature. I talked myself down and focused intensely on my breathing and my heart beat, clearing my head of all noise. And in that moment I conquered the fear, settling peacefully back into my routine.
A Dozen Ways to Deal with Fear
1. The Blinders Effect: Med school and Bikram yoga
Don’t look for potential risks; put on blinders and push forward. If you had asked me while I was in college, or in med school for that matter, how many years I had left before I could practice, or what classes I’d need to take, or what grades I’d require to advance to the next level, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I set my intention – become a physician – and I did whatever I needed to do to advance me towards that intention. Fear never took over, because I never ran an analysis of what would be required. It simply didn’t matter; I was willing to do whatever it took.
Recently I signed up for Bikram yoga. If you don’t know what that is, it’s the yoga where you spend 1 ½ hours in an extremely hot and humid room posing in often painful contortions. Sounds fun, eh? When I signed up for it, I bought a full month of classes. That is, I committed to it with blinders on, knowing that I might get scared away after my first attempt. When I bought the month I was telling my fear to fuck off, I was giving this activity a fair chance.
2. The Cold Pool: Committing to the intention
If I asked you to get into a cold swimming pool, you can do one of a couple things. You can put your toes in, then step in up to your knees, then wade in so your waist is underwater, then finally submerse your entire body. Or you could simply jump right in.
Whether it’s a cold pool or anything else uncomfortable and scary, diving in fully without hesitation will bypass all fear. Set your intention and then go for it 110%.
Approaching is like swinging a bat. You don’t swing half-way and then tap the ball. You commit to the swing fully, so even after contact the bat keeps moving to the end of the swing. Likewise, when you see a hotty, make it your intention to walk up to her and get her attention. She may ignore you or blow you off, but that’s not relevant. All that matters is that you do everything in your power to make your intention a reality immediately, and not take the time to mull over the potential discomfort.
3. Snorkeling and Horror Flicks: What is the actual risk?
I flew all the way out to Oahu one summer, and found myself gazing at the sea with a sense of intimidation. What if a shark was out there? What if a jellyfish floated by? What about eels? What if, what if?
I almost didn’t go snorkeling, but thank god I did because it was one of the best experiences of my life. I took control of my fear by assessing the actual risk. There rarely is a shark out in popular snorkeling areas. And all my other concerns were statistically highly unlikely to ever materialize as well.
Yes, there may be risks involved in certain activities, but be realistic about them. The risk of air travel is minimal, the risk of public speaking is nil, the risk of approaching is practically non-existent.
Recognize when the danger is to your body, or just to your ego. Public speaking is the number one phobia of people, but why? No real harm can come to you while speaking in front of crowds. Perhaps what you fear is rejection, humiliation, loss of respect and acceptance, or accidentally offending people. These are all worries of the ego, and have nothing to do with your physical well-being. They are all manufactured and can be just as easily dissolved with will.
I love horror films. I could watch them every night. They never get old. Horror films pose no true risk that I’ll be killed by the undead or the demented psycho or the plague. I may startle at times or feel dread for the characters, but I’m never actually personally afraid.
You see a dude in set, and you tell yourself, “he’s just a coworker” and you go in despite the fear (the "fuck it" moment). The coworker is not a real threat to you, not unlike the slasher in the horror film. You can certainly generate all sorts of potential repercussions in your head if the guy doesn’t welcome you in, but you also can set aside those voices and remind yourself that this risk is pure fantasy. Nevermind all that community AMOG bullshit, and instead, view him as another potential friend to help you get the girl.
4. Boxing: Gathering cues
I took up mixed martial arts about a year ago. As I threw punches, I often found myself turning my head away and shutting my eyes, because I knew my trainer was most likely avoiding my jab and about to clobber my head.
Though I wanted to shut my eyes and lean away while I swung, to punch effectively required me to keep my eyes focused on the opponent so I could see how he’s gonna react. I am, in effect, reading my adversary for cues. Will he move left? Will he duck? Will he throw a cross? Will he deflect my punch and rotate away from it? If my eyes are averted, I can’t gather information and then respond in turn. I must not only have a good offensive, I must always be on a fact-finding mission at every moment.
The only way to manage any interaction strategically – whether it’s boxing or evaluating cues a girl is sending out – is to look at it head-on with total presence. Move into the fear with open eyes, in spite of the risks.
5. The Proud Piano Student: Positive reframe
A friend of mine teaches piano to kids. I asked her once how she deals with their fear of performance, and she described a kind of reframe. Rather than think about a performance as possible rejection or failure, she has the kids think of it as proving to the audience how much they’ve learned. They then go on stage with a sense of pride, not fear.
Every perceived failure is an opportunity to learn. Any night you totally bomb is still a good night, as it provides insights for you to help progress. Without failure you can’t grow. To quote the granddaddy of the community, Ross Jeffries: “The difference between winners and losers is that losers don’t fail enough.”
Another powerful reframe is accepting that your role is simply to give value to others. Believe that you are a man who loves to make others happy, and who expects nothing in return. Make that girl’s night. With this belief, it’s impossible to consider your approach as anything but positive. You aren’t bothering people, you’re only adding to their experience. If they don’t accept your value (and some people won’t), then it doesn’t hinder you. You simply move on to find those who will.
6. Be Prepared: The stack
Going into a set without knowing what to say is scary as hell. But when you have a pretty good idea how the first few minutes are gonna play out, you feel secure and ultimately less fearful.
I’m a fan of routine stacks for guys who have problems vibing or approaching. Having the first coupla minutes in set prepared helps reduce that fear of the unknown. Likewise if you go for a kiss and get her cheek, having something ready to say to reduce the awkwardness of this moment will make you feel more confident pulling the trigger. Have a detailed game plan, accounting for all contingencies.
7. Visualization and NLP
I don’t have the space here to talk about neurolinguistic programming (NLP), but it can help get your inner game on track. One tool NLP employs is to run movies in your head that minimize your negative emotions. For example if a boss yells at you, you can then reimagine the scene with him having a cartoon voice and wearing a clown outfit.
In sports, trainers use visualization techniques to enhance performance. Athletes imagine themselves winning the race, hearing the crowd roar, et cetera. You can apply this to your interactions with broads, seeing yourself as the man you want to be and envisioning the women you wanna attract into your life. Before your encounters, visualize how they’ll go. As your mind begins to believe these images, fear dissolves.
8. Passive Value: Dress for success
Looking your best will boost your sense of confidence. Dress well, have some accessories that add color to your personality, make your avatar stand out, go lift weights. In addition to fashion, address bad breath and a lousy hair style. Do anything you can to make your passive value as appealing as possible.
9. Reward Yourself
Create an incentive for facing your fear. “Even though I’m claustrophobic, I’ll get this MRI and then buy myself ice cream afterwards for being brave.” Don’t beat yourself up for being afraid, but do negotiate a system of rewards with yourself for acting in spite of your fear.
10. Hypnosis
Often the conscious mind isn’t the problem, it’s the subconscious which is too resistant to change. You may need to talk to it directly. That’s where hypnosis comes in.
There was a time I was doing really well with night game, but I couldn’t for the life of me approach during the day. I sought out a hypnotherapist and within a month I had no fear of going direct on super-hotties during the day. What she did under hypnosis was have me think of something I was highly confident about (practicing medicine), and then link this via anchoring (squeezing my hand) to the situation which gave me fear (daytime approaches).
11. Desensitization
A commonly used tool in alleviating anxiety is called systematic desensitization. In pick-up, this means you keep approaching more and harder sets until the anxiety fades. This is how I primarily dealt with my own AA, and over a couple years, I went from being paralyzed with anxiety to being able to easily work a room.
All of the above can be effective coping strategies to get you into the right head space, but I haven’t yet mentioned the biggest, baddest, most effective way to reduce fear in your life. Here it is.
12. Find Your Center and Live There
When I ask you to identify where in your body you feel your “being” resides, where do you point? For many guys it’s their head. For some, their chest. If I ask you where your physical power is mostly generated from, you might show me your guns.
I want you instead to focus on your belly as your center. Make it a few inches below your belly button. Let your energy transmit out from this point. Send your breath into it. When you think of power, shift your focus away from your upper body and down to your core and lower body, where masculine energy is concentrated. Feel the ground while you stand and walk, how it contacts your feet, and how your legs move. Slap your thighs if you have to. Own the ground you’re stepping on. This is your ground. Be gracious enough to share it with others, and welcome them onto your ground.
In martial arts, a man’s core is down in his belly, not up in his head. You don’t have time to think about each moment of the spar; you must always feel the energy and movement of your opponent and react immediately from your core. It’s no different when talking to women. Just as soon as you get out of your head and start living in your body, everything begins to flow with far less effort.
Likewise, when you generate force to throw a punch, that power is coming from your core primarily, and then transmitted upwards through the chest and out the arms. Your greatest power in moving women emotionally isn’t generated from your head or your chest, it’s from your core.
For those of you living in your head and placing your center of power in your upper body, you are in essence, walking through life off balance. And guys who aren’t balanced are easily thrown, whether that is by physical confrontation or a shit test. Dudes who are centered are far less easy to topple. Out of being centered and grounded comes the feeling that you can take on the world, that you are unflappable and in touch with yourself, the earth, and ultimately the universe. In short, you are living without fear.
And so fear management starts outside the venue. It’s a way of being. You can’t suddenly switch this confidence on when you approach a girl. Instead, it carries over into your interactions, because that’s the way you move through life.
Any physical activity can get you into your body and out of your head, but specifically activities like yoga and the martial arts will place the focus where you want it. So now you know what to do. Get off your computer and go hit the mat.
Back to that night I did my first Bikram yoga class. It was 45 minutes in, and the instructor had cranked up the heat while the poses got more difficult. My heart was pounding, I could barely catch my breath and my water bottle was nearly empty. Would I pass out or collapse from heat stroke? Panic set in. But then, I pushed those thoughts from my head, explained to myself that I wasn’t overheating internally but that I was just experiencing a sudden spike in room temperature. I talked myself down and focused intensely on my breathing and my heart beat, clearing my head of all noise. And in that moment I conquered the fear, settling peacefully back into my routine.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
