Romance, Part One

I was sitting in a Cuban restaurant with chicky one night, when she informed me I wasn’t romantic enough.

This didn’t surprise me. For one thing, I have a long history of being overly romantic at the expense of not being sexual enough. As a result, I was always viewed as a boyfriend first, lover distant second. When I entered the community I made an effort to cast myself as a lover with boyfriend potential.

So I’ve been deliberately withholding romance in many of my interactions. I don’t want girls to get too attached, and I don’t want to be thought of as a boyfriend. I’ve become so effective at this, that when I do develop love for a woman, she is extremely skeptical.

“Sooo…” she suggests, “telling me you want to fuck me…that’s not romantic.”
“Really? Ok, what should I say? Bang?”
“No…I don’t know…have sex?”
“That’s REALLY unromantic! Might as well say ‘have intercourse.’”
“Uhhh…make love…”
“Some girls don’t like when I say that. But yeah, I see your point. So no more ‘fucking.’”
“Not unless we’re in the bedroom.”

I later tell her I wanted to see her one night so much, I would’ve driven an hour to her home.

“See, that’s romantic! And you didn’t need to say ‘fuck.’”

I thought about this the next day. So driving an hour is romantic. But what about that specifically is romantic? It’s the sacrifice, I assume. Ok, then sacrifice is romantic, particularly the sacrifice of one’s time.

Hmmm, what other aspects of romance are there? How little do I know about romance? How would I even define it?

For all that the community has to offer about being alpha, good at perceiving subcommunications, on and on, there is scant written about romance. If I ask any woman what that word means to her, she will go off for 15 minutes easily, listing in minute detail all the various ways a man can be romantic. Whenever I ask most guys this same question, there is half a minute of silence, until they finally dig up some awkward definition, many times caked in disgust.

All those romance novels, all those chick flicks…what exactly makes them appealing to women and not to men? It’s something hard-wired or biochemical for sure, but what exactly?

I needed to find out.

And on a practical note, I needed to know how to implement romance in such a way that women viewed me as Prince Charming, not some sniveling, supplicating chode who stalks her at work and sends her 50 texts a day about his undying love. It’s not enough to feel desire and express that to a woman, you gotta do it in a way that’s alluring to her.

Power and love. Sex-worthy and romantic. You can certainly have one trait without the other, but why not try to possess both in balance? I think it’s the fear of looking like a pussy, of seeming less than powerful, that inhibits a lot of guys from fully embracing romance.

Let’s see what the dictionary has to say about this word:
a. A love affair.
b. Ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people; love.
c. A strong, sometimes short-lived attachment, fascination, or enthusiasm for something.
d. A mysterious or fascinating quality or appeal, as of something adventurous, heroic, or strangely beautiful.

One of my girl friends was insane about romance novels, read em all, and so I asked her for recommendations. I picked up a couple and started to explore. Authors like Julie Garwood and Lisa Kleypas. This wasn’t easy. In addition to being perplexing to men, romance is oftentimes nauseating. But if I were to find the answer, I needed to do the research.

I interviewed all the women I came into contact with. People at my work. My hairdresser. Friends. When I told women I was doing research to learn how to become more romantic, their eyes always lit up. Seems like as much as women want romance in their lives, it is sorely lacking.

Here now is my attempt to categorize the basic principles of romance as I see them. Hopefully this will help guys understand what it means and know how to apply it in their relationships.

Obsession
Obsessive behavior is considered decidedly unromantic by most people I’ve talked to. And yet, this behavior is pervasive in romantic films and books, indicating there must be something to it. Bottom line, take this for what it’s worth, realizing if miscalibrated it can be seen as extremely weird.

One thing you’ll see over and over in films is a guy stalking a woman, and her finding this romantic. Or he’s totally infatuated with everything about her. It’s John Cusack standing outside her window with the boom box in Say Anything... It’s Nick Cage sneaking back into the house party and waiting in the shower in Valley Girl. It’s Spartacus telling his woman…

“I want to know all about you. Every line. Every curve. I want to know every part of you. Every beat of your heart.”

In tiny measured amounts at the right time, this can come across as alluring to women. Mystery calls this the “hijacked my brain” campaign, which he uses to avoid LMR. It means that something has come over you – against your better judgment – that is inexplicably compelling you towards this girl.

But beware: Hollywood movies are stylized and rely on the character developing over a couple hours to get to the point where obsessive behavior is appealing. If Cusack were holding that stereo at the beginning of the movie, that would just be plain creeperville. So use with great caution or you may find yourself with a restraining order on your ass.

Needless to say, the girl needs to be into the guy for this to work. If she doesn’t have those same feelings, the result is icky.

Emotionally Charged Words
Telling a girl you’re gonna fuck her isn’t romantic, though at the right moment it can be powerful. You have to describe the details of the event, your emotions, her emotions. You can still be steamy and hot in your language without being utterly explicit. Here’s an excerpt of a love scene from the novel Slow Burn by Garwood:

Her nails gently scored his shoulder blades as she arched up against him.
The pleasure she gave him intensified. He slowly withdrew and then thrust inside her again. She increased the pace, demanding more and more of him until they were both mindless to the world around them. Only the two of them existed, and for that short time, there were no problems, no fears, no insecurities.
She reached a shuddering heart-stopping orgasm before he did. She cried out and squeezed him, forcing his own climax.

As an exercise, try to avoid use of any explicit words, and instead use some of the above when speaking to a woman. Other examples:
I want to ravish you. I will show you that you’re mine. I will take you.

Be attentive to details
Remember and notice things that are important to her. Listen closely to her. Even when it seems she doesn’t care about something, she could care very much. Make mental notes of anything she comments on, and use this to show you’ve been attentive.
Compliment her on things she’s proud of, not necessarily something that others would recognize. By personalizing the compliment, it becomes far more meaningful.

Settings
Sunsets on the beach, a view from a mountaintop, a candle-lit dinner table. Some settings lend themselves to romance. However be aware that for many women the setting is secondary to the gesture. A romantic offering works, even if on a busy city street. Don’t rely too heavily on the setting to do your work for you.

Gestures
Often if you simply state to a woman what your intention or desire is, that gesture suffices as romantic. For example if she is in need of something but you can’t be there to help, telling her you wish you could help is many times enough.
Opening a door, likewise, is an effortless task which may not take much work, but that gesture implies your desire to serve her. Always be mindful of these gestures since they can speak volumes to women.